He’s my father’s sister’s son so in most desi societies it is acceptable but I didn’t grow up in Pakistan so how bad would it be seen by nondesis if I married him?
I know my parents would be happy because he is known to the family.
On a side note two of his nephews, one died at birth and the other died at the age of 3 from blood cancer, my Phuppo had breast cancer but has recovered. What are the chances that if I married him, my future child would have the same issues? I feel horrible for thinking like this but right now i’m thinking of my future child, if I did marry him.
inbreeding can lead to health problems but millions marry their cousins while their children are as normal as they can be. risks are there no matter who you marry but it's also true that these risks are multiplied if you marry someone who is related to you by blood.
there are diagnotic tests available to determine the risks.
If he feels the same way about you and there's a mutual desire to get married, then why does it matter what the non-desi folks think? Will they be footing your wedding bill? Or are marriages 100% successful amongst their lot, lol? There are many, many non-Desis that are attracted to their cousins and feel conflicted about their feelings because of the same fear and they have their websites or support organizations as well if you do an online search. Many of them argue that there isn't a prohibition against such marriages in the Bible and on the contrary the book contains an example/s of cousin marriages. Everyone has their preferences OP. Even among Desi people you'll find some people that disapprove of it. Can't please everybody. It depends on how confident/secure you are. While you wouldn't be able go conceal the relation-equation from everyone, why would anyone else really need to know? It's none of their business. I've read there's a slightly increased risk of birth defects as opposed to non-cousin couples. In families that have practiced cousin marriages for generations...as is the case in the UK...it becomes a problem. I personally know of more cousin couples with normal children than abnormal ones. Nobody here can predict the future for you as to how your offspring or even marriage will turn out. Discuss with your family, weigh pros and cons, do istikhara with sincerity and leave the outcome to Allah. If it's meant to be, it shall.
Most of the people in my extended family didn't marry a cousin. His mother didn't and my father definitely didn't and my grandparents from my father's side also didn't. The weird thing is that his brother married a white woman who is obviously not even a distant cousin and their two kids died, one dying of cancer and the other died in a similar way, the middle child is healthy.
Only two my cousins married their phuppo's sons and both of their kids are healthy.
I'm super conflicted as to what to do, he seems so right and I have a feeling he'll take good care of me and it's not like I have a long line of men waiting to marry me(believe me i've waited and prayed to Allah I find someone right for so long). He's just been a good son and good brother and been taking care of his family for so long.
^Sometimes the person you're meant to be with is right under your nose, or in front of your face, or in your neighborhood while you went about searching far and wide, lol. In your title you mention that you're attracted to him which is important. You like his personality, that's even more important. You respect him and trust him. And if you find him to be a good son and brother then he has proven his character through his actions and interactions with his family...the people who often try us the most...then these are all very good signs. Do you both click with each other? Will you be living with his family? If so, does his family respect you? How is his temperament? Do you both agree on the bigger issues of marriage or are do you both have very different expectations? If so far everything clicks...then go for it..and do your istikhara. It doesn't have to be that just because the majority of your family members did not marry a cousin that you must follow the same path. Majority of my cousins married Punjabis..my sister married a guy who is Pathan...MashaAllah she's very happy. Two of my closest friends are married to their cousins...one has 3 beautiful, healthy kids...the other has a perfectly normal, adorable daughter...MA. Again, I know more positive examples of cousin marriages than negative ones. There will always be a scary story or example...and you can find those in all types of marriages. If you've talked to him and you both like each other and if both your families have no issues...then proceed with it...don't worry about what others think, they'll have an opinion no matter whom you marry.
Inbreeding is not a socially acceptable thing among nondesis. There are exceptions with certain groups (at least in the U.S.) but overall, mainstream society does not accept it as a normal thing. And yes, harsh or not, when you marry someone closely related to you such as a first cousin and produce children with that person, that’s inbreeding.
That being said, you don’t have to tell anyone that he’s your first cousin. I know several Pakistani couples who are first cousins but they don’t advertise that to the non-desis. They simply tell them that the families (their parents) have known each other for years and that’s how they met.
No one can tell you the chances of your future child having health problems if you marry your first cousin. It could happen even if you marry a unrelated guy. The odds increase when it’s your first cousin and that’s just a blind risk you’ll have to take if you choose to pursue this.
The part in red makes it seem like you’re settling. How old are you and how long have you been rishta searching? If there was a “long line of men waiting to marry” you…would you still consider this cousin as your #1](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) choice? You said he’s a good son/brother etc…that’s great. But what attracts you to him beyond that? Do you talk to him regularly and know his personality well?
I just wanted to add that if you are concerned about your future children having health issues, you can go to a genetic counselor before marriage and they can let you know how high of a risk your child may have regarding illnesses based on both of your genetic makeup. There is a bit of ethical issue involved here so I am not sure if that would make you feel better or worse but you do have that option.
if I was in my 40s would you say to go ahead with marrying him? Not sure why age is an issue here. I would still consider him even if I had a long line of men because he seems the most right person for me. My family would love him and he’s so intelligent and seems to be loving going by his actions.
if I was in my 40s would you say to go ahead with marrying him? Not sure why age is an issue here. I would still consider him even if I had a long line of men because he seems the most right person for me. My family would love him and he's so intelligent and seems to be loving going by his actions.
Then what's the issue? If you like him, and everything checks out, why not?
If you don't know what is on his mind, you should ask first, if he feels the same or agrees then reveal this to parents and consult a doctor for medical opinion.
I would still consider him even if I had a long line of men because he seems the most right person for me. My family would love him and he's so intelligent and seems to be loving going by his actions.
Then what's the problem? If this guy is the "most right person" for you....then why are you worried about what non-desis would think? You already think he's perfect, and if you think your family is going to love him...then tell the guy and your family how you feel.
P.S. For women, age is an issue when choosing a spouse...especially deciding on how much to compromise because of childbearing issues.
My parents were related. Health wise I blame them for bad teeth and poor eyesight. And asthma. And none of us turned out retarded. But anamolies can happen to anyone you know?
how bad would it be seen by nondesis if I married him?
.
Have you seen the non-desi divorce rate? Why care (or fear) so much what they think? Why make their opinion the standard or yardstick by which to judge your decisions? The bottom line is that every kind of marriage depends on the ability to compromise, be patient, to overlook, etc etc. Those things are more essential. Is it that you have non-Desi friends that you are afraid would find out he's your cousin if they were to attend your wedding? Is it judgment of the younger Desi lot? Some of them may not personally prefer a cousin marriage but they would still know it's permissible. As for all other non-Desis that you encounter at work or in your neighborhood or elsewhere....they need not know as it's really none of their business.
Thanks to the people that are posting supportive comments. Please pray for me.
" I'm attracted to my Phuppo's son"
ab bas ker do tum log... 20 karoor ki abbaadi .. you people are still finding phupo and mamoons sons ??
seriously ??
Because marriages are painful and downright torture if you don't marry someone compatible that complements your behavior and matches your values and your morals and I feel like I have a better chance at accomplishing or reaching that type of person if he's someone I know.