I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hi everyone,

I am a bit nervous posting here, especially about this topic. I have read a lot of posts on these boards and am aware of the hyper conservative nature of many of the posters. Regardless, I am interested in your reaction to my situation…

I am an American Catholic man in love with a Pakistani Muslim woman.

We are both madly in love and want to marry each other, however, we aren’t finding any easy way to have a nikah performed without me converting. If it was up to us, we would be married tomorrow.

Let me give you a brief rundown on our religious backgrounds. Religion isn’t a dominating part of either of our lives, but we do have strong moral beliefs stemming from our religious backgrounds. We are both liberal in our religious views, in the sense that we believe only God can determine what is right and wrong and that he loves us both regardless of our inborn religions. The way we look at things is that we are both good people, we both love God and try to do what is right, and we both love each other. Neither her nor I find it offensive that the other is from another religion. We find each other’s religions to be beautiful in their own way, and promise to honor each others religions throughout our married life together. Both our religions are important to us in the sense that they are a source of tradition and happiness. We want to share our religions with each other. Already, I have been to masjid and she has been to church. I am also observing ramazan while she attends Christmas mass with me.

On the topic of children, we both love and want children very much. Her being Pakistani and Muslim and myself being German-American and Christian we both have traditions of our own and we want to instill both aspects of our histories into our children. When the time comes for children, religion should not be a problem. I am very familiar with Islam, my best friends and the woman I love are all Muslim, so I am not like your typical American in the sense that Islam is not foreign to me. We will raise our children with a knowledge of all traditions (Ramazan, Christmas, etc) but will let them decide in the end what religion they want to be. I have also promised, that should our childrens’ religion and them being Muslim become more important to her after our children are born, then by all means, I will make sure they are raised Muslim, I will even take our sons to masjid for friday prayers.

-sudquest

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

I'm sure your intentions are all nice and loving, etc etc.

Here are some things to look out for:

  1. People change. You might get more religious and find some things in Islam to be a turn off and you might want your kids to maybe choose your religion instead. In other words, you might develop a bias over time. Same goes with the girl you're in love with. She might find some things in Christianity to be a turn off, and develop a bias for her own religion. People tend to get more religious with age.

  2. Love only lasts so long. Everyone thinks that their love will last forever when they're smitten like kittens, but what goes up usually ends up going down.

  3. Christianity and Islam are at odds with one another in many aspects of theology, although on most grounds the two religions are similar if not identical. Basic tenents like believing in Jesus as the son of God or the idea of the Trinity, etc are all highly unIslamic. If you believe in the trinity, you can go to Friday prayers all you want. You're not going to be muslim, though.

  4. Is it fair to make your kids choose between Christianity and Islam when they grow up? How do you think it will affect them? Most cases I've seen like this, the kids (who were in my age group) chose to follow neither religion, because they couldn't decide and they were annoyed with their parents making them choose or they could care less because they never developed a strong affinity for either religion, or they just got confused between two religions and thought they were practicing both, but they were basically living self-contradictions that actually didn't have any deep belief in either religion (again because the two religions are contradictory, so how could you believe in both religions at once?)

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

i agree with Pyari Gudia.

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

so basically both of you are confused she being a muslim attends mass and you being a catholic keep fast.

Confuse Muslim Pakistani + Confuse Catholic = what type of kids?

  • don't forget about the families.
  • when you do get married you marry an entire family -will you be accepted.
  • think about all the aspects of life.

Its so easy to tell someone these words "i love you" but its 1000 times harder to prove someone on daily basis that you actually mean it

A marriage without parent's blessings usually doesn't turn out that great.

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

In Islam you are either a Muslim or a Kaafir, in Christianity you're either a Christian or a Heathen. No middle grounds. Going to Salaah or Mass whilst not having faith in them seems like mockery to me, religion is not play.

It seems like your girlfriend is a Muslim by culture instead of by faith. She seems to identity with Islam only because she is accustomed to it instead of believing in it (I know people like that who for example wont eat pork not because they believe it's wrong but because it disgusts them like rat meat would disgust an American). If she truly believed in Islam, she would believe in it all (because there is no pick 'n' choose in Islam) and she'll know that a Muslim woman can not marry a Kaafir (non-Muslim) man, the marriage will simply not be valid in Islam, you can have a mock Nikaah for the sake of "show off" but it will have no value under Islam and your relationship will be fornication in the eyes of Islam.

I’m talking from a religious point of view but it seems like religion is not the top priority for either of you so I think you’ll get along just fine as long as both your families are accepting, that’s if you care for their opinion.

It's a really bad idea trying to bring up your kids as Christians and Muslims at the same time though, the two religions contradict, they'll grow up confused so it's best not to teach them either religion because that's how they'll probably end up anyway.

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

It sounds like you guys are so in love - that's really great. Also you both seem to be unified and ready to make compromises on both sides - which is also a good start.

Yet you are hesitant - bcos you cannot get married without converting. I fully understand where you are coming from - and please take this as a sign of things to come. You and/or your friend will have to make certain changes for your sakes as well as your children which either/both may find hard to accept. You have not mentioned how your respective families are taking it. But it seems like your only hurdle at the moment is the fact that you have to convert. It is a fact of life and you are the only one who can answer yourself.

I really pray that you guys have the strength to be together, bcos u have good intentions, but from experience, the intentions are forgotten way down the line. And invaraibly, the children will suffer. You need to be sure that you both have your families backing you in whatever decision you guys take. I am so sure that she will not marry you if you do not convert and its becos of her family and social circle - as you have said both your lives are not dominated by religion, but rather moral issues. I thought Catholics also have the same conversion requirement and how have you overcome this?

Having said all this, - if I was given similar things to think about all those yrs ago - I probably would have still gone ahead with my marriage simply cos we were in love. Yes the love is still there, but wearing out by years of confusion and complexities arising from coping with different religious backgrounds. We have to make an effort to keep going.

Be strong if you go for it (if you do find a way round the marriage requirements) and always be unified as you are now.

Good Luck!

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

I am not sure about others, but in my case, I became stricter Muslim, while my X grew further apart from it. To, me, I saw the beauty of my Deen 100 folds, and she saw every reason to not believe in it.

Islam = Submission of your Nafs(Self)

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

if you are both non-practicing or religion is not a huge part of your life then why are you so concerned about having 'nikkah' performed?...just get married in court.

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

In my opinion, a muslim woman can only marry a MUSLIM guy, otherwise there is no marriage in the first place....
if she doesnt care about this , then she shouldnt care about any thing else....rest Allah knows the best !

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

You know many things b4 marrige u say never happen. it seems like you dont really love her cuz u wont convert. people cut their veins for love and u cant give a simple thing up ya i see itz because of religon well u should study islam and convert.

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

Congrats! Hope you two will stay happy :)

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

How is posting on this forum going to help anything? If you really want to get married and religion is really not an issue, why the insistance on nikaah? Go and get married at City Hall!

Congratulations and good luck with everything.

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

I regret posting this message. I was hoping for guidance, but the uderlying tones, and blatantly offensive remarks of some posters are making me realize the closemindedness that is brought on by religion.

Iussi, that was completely innapropriate. I have made no offenses to Islam and certainly not to you.

Zeher, are you saying that the love of a girl should prompt my conversion and not my love for God? You say that religion is a 'simple thing'? Are you saying the my religion is such a simple thing, or that yours is? Think before you type, and think before you press the 'post reply' button, for everyones sake, including yours.

Gravity_kills, if it is in your opinion, then so be it. But, could someone prove to my without a shadow of a doubt that God truly means that a muslim woman can not marry a man 'of the book'? I understand that Muslims believe the Koran should not be interpreted as it is the final word of God, but read what it has to say about my situation in the context of when it was written. The reasoning behind it is because the man of the house has say in what religion his children and wife are. That was ages ago. Times are different. I am proof that women have at least a say in what religion the children and they themselves are. I am catholic because of my mother (my father is methodist). My mother is catholic because of her mother (my grandpa was baptist). This holds true in almost every couple I know of interfaith marraiges, a mutual understanding of one another. Relationships are based on mutual understanding and mutual agreements. If any of you are dictators in your marraiges and the reasoning behind this very old law holds true for you, then I am very sorry for you spouses. Women are no longer docile creatures without brains and rights to opinions. This may have been the 'case' when the Koran was written, but wise up. This notion is cultural and time dated. Not biological and inborn.

And to set some of you straight...I do not fast because I am confused, and she does not go to mass with me because she is confused either. I have not converted and she does not pray to Christ. We are being respectful of each other and taking part in one anothers lives. A Nikkah would not be for show, it would be for our marraige and for us. She is a Muslim, not a Kaarif. I am Catholic, not a heathen. I do not and will not find anyting in Islam offensive. I find it to be a beautiful religion, just as I do mine. If obeyed and followed correctly, both are religions of love, compassion and forgiveness. It saddens me, however, seeing so called 'followers' of both Christianity and Islam being so hypocritical and closeminded. I would like to say so much more, but I'm afraid it will only get me into trouble. I only have the best intentions: I love this woman with all my heart. I know that posting on this forum will not help me in any way, and that it may even make things harder for me, seeing as how our love for each other is cause for negative reactions in even a small online muslim community. I just hope things work out for us and I wish the world was more supportive of such a rare thing as love.

Its a good day if..;
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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

^There are disagreements among muslims on the isssue of a muslim getting married to a christian or a jew.there are mullahs who think that conversison of a christian or a jew to islam is not necessay for a muslim to get married to them and mullahs who think quite the opposite.

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

Ok this matter is a little more complex than i thought .... you might have to consult a proper islamic scholar for this....here is what i found on one of the websites.

Before we can discuss the reason of the prohibition of marriage between a Muslim woman and a non-Muslim man, it is important to first see whether such prohibition can truly be found in the Shariah or not. In one of my previous answers to a similar question, I had pointed out that although the Qur’an has clearly pointed out the prohibition of marriage between a Muslim man/woman with a polytheist person, yet as far as the marriage between a Muslim man/woman and a Christian or a Jewish person is concerned, the Qur’an has explicitly allowed marriage between a Muslim man and a Jewish/Christian woman but has not given any explicit directives regarding marriage between a Muslim woman and a Jewish/Christian man. This silence of the Qur’an regarding marriage between a Muslim woman and a Christian/Jewish man, has generally been construed as a disapproval of the Qur’an regarding the particular issue. However, because of the silence of the Qur’an in the related issue, marriage between a Muslim woman and a Jewish/Christian man cannot be termed as prohibited by the Shariah. In my opinion, prohibition of a certain matter in the Shari`ah, requires explicit directives to the effect.

In view of the above explanation, it should be obvious that the ultimate decision regarding such a marriage (between a Muslim woman and a Christian/Jewish man) is left to the individual.

My personal inclination regarding the matter is that such a marriage (Muslim woman and Christian/Jewish man) be avoided, as it seems more prudent to me to say that because the matter has not been given positive approval by the Qur’an (especially keeping in view that marriage between a Muslim man and a Christian/Jewish woman has been explicitly allowed), therefore it should be considered as something which the Shari`ah dislikes or silently disapproves, even though it has not clearly prohibited it. However, it should be appreciated that a difference of opinion can exist in the matter.

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

Mr Sud, it sounds to me like you and your wife-to-be are very thoughtful and respectful of each other. I wish you all the best in your marriage, a lifetime of love and happiness together.

I have a similar situation, I was raised Christian and my husband Muslim. Its working out just fine. Those who answered snidely or without understanding of you and your situation are off-base. But you will encounter people and reactions like this along the way for the rest of your life. No matter. What matters is your wife, your family, your lives together. May it be long, happy and fruitful!

Anyway as to your original question...about having Nikah. I really dont know the "rules" but since all religions are subject to interpretation, I think you'll find that some Mosques will say absolutely not and others that will say Sure!

Best wishes to you and your wife to be.

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

Sudquest,
man dont pay any attention to folks who are discouraging u, u go ahead and follow ur heart.
i'm married to a christian and i've been with my wife for the past 5 yearz and i dont recall a single incident which involved any religious discussion about our faiths.
To me marriage is bond made between 2 people .Remember people came first not the religion. Religion is a man made thing, so dont let it get between two loving people.
And folks who r telling u that marriage without parent's blessings dont turn out fruitful well its true only in 18 century not today.I guess if its true orphans can never have a happy married life huh...
Anyway last but not the least........... Religion always divides but love always multiply

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Re: I’m a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

Love is blind ,if u r in love with some diff. religion holder will u convert…hmmmmm

:omg: :omg:

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

Sud

This is my opinion.

You are thinking too emotional and same goes with your girlfriend, which happens to be a Muslim. There are too many issues I see being ignored in this emotional situation, which usually happens in such cases. I personally do not condone a Muslim woman marrying a non-Muslim and this has inspirations from my faith that is Islam (I have no other comment to make about this issue). Second, I believe marriage involves more than just two peolpe madly in love and getting married and the end of story. A lot has been ignored here. Third, marriage is not a matter of one or two years. It is a life long relationship and when it is not properly weighed, on a long term basis, the ignored aspects can come in and ruin everything.

A simple answer to your question would be, if you don't believe in Religion, if it does not hold any significant value to you or your girlfriend, it doesn't matter at all. Both of you should get married without asking a single question from anyone. If you guys think only what matters is that the two of you madly love each other, then go ahead, get married.

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Re: I'm a catholic guy and in love with a muslim girl

People of the Book
The phrase refers to believers (Muslims) mentioned in the Quran, the Christians (after Jesus, and before Muhammed), the Jews (after Moses, and before Jesus), and so on. It does not refer to the present day Jews & Christians.

Here is a verse from the Quran, which answers your questions well:

" Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of Bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise. "(2:221)

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