And as an option, ask your mother to go to family counseling with you-- and ask about individual counseling for yourself. If she refuses in either regard, go to your school counselor. Explain how upset you are, and if they're smart enough they'll call your parents in for a meeting.
Feeling so angry you want to smash your computer indicates that something is wrong, even if it's only your reaction to the situation. Talk to the school counselor about all of this. Maybe you just need a neutral (and respected), third party to sit in and mediate a discussion between you two. Perhaps you might just understand where your mother is coming from, and she just might understand you.
GA, you came and posted all this on a forum. Why don't you have a heart-to-heart talk with your mom about why you don't want to be friends with them.... just tell her that they make fun of Pakistan and you don't like it and that all that they care about it Bollywood stars, that they don't want to be friends with you and you share nothing in common.
Your mom is probably scared that the gora-influence on you might spoil your morals or something, she doesn't really know your friends like you do, obviously. You know the older generation has preconceived ideas about everything and you just need to talk to them to sort it out. Is your mom the kind who only cares about superficial stuff or is she a sensible, understanding mother? I would say sit down with her talk to her in a mature way, or just suffer in silence for some years, she'll eventually give up or due to her persistence you'll go over to the darker side (i.e. become a bollywood-loving diva) :p
I've told her so many times I don't want to be with them, that they are just a bunch of gossiping girls with no spark with me. But she chooses not to listen and pulls me along anyway.
She isn't so sensible; she DOES make fun of me even when I'm hurt already.
i think i'm just going to have to refuse to go, even if she hits me and shouts at me to go. she KNOWS about the girls, she knows about everything. she only pulls me along because of her pride thing. i wouldn't mind so much to go there for an hour, but she goes there till 2 AM which is REALLY annoying because usually she's out for the whole day or whole night.
i dont think i should 'maturely' talk to her, she won't listen. its best to fight fire with fire.
I am niot saying I have problems, i meant we all do, as adults. we have tons of serious issues which compare nothing to the minor incidents we used to think was the end of the world at 14 yrs of age.
I'd agree in some regards, but really all "you're a kid, you'll understand what problems are when you're older," is really nothing but dismissive and condescending to the person that it's directed to. It doesn't really fix the current problem, and often leaves the adolescent feeling isolated, and alone. Small issues left unattended accumulate and can cause serious psychological problems -depression, anxiety, etc. It's not up for use to objectively judge the issues that the teen says they're facing, rather we have to respond to how they feel about it.
More often than not, teens just want to feel like they have some control over their lives, and that they're being listened to.
Bringing a book with me is a giant no-no for my mom. i tried that once and even brought my hand-held game to occupy all my time with but she’s all like, 'you didn’t come here for THAT you kutti, go spend time doing something else that’s worthwhile."
i even shot back “like what? like dancing, which is more beneficial then 'BOOKS?” thats the stupidest thing i ever heard of.
Also: that is a good idea, actually. my mom would be too stubborn to go anyway but if the counselor can force her to go, at least she should have a private talk with her. i don’t think i should be with my mom at that time, she would get angry because she’ll think ‘you besharam, for shaming me in front of the counselor’ which is a VERY predicting thing she will say. again, its because of pride that she won’t go.
anyway, just one more move of my mother’s, and im heading straight to the school counselor to talk about it. this time, i will tolerate this crap but next time, im not going to be easy..
I've told her so many times I don't want to be with them, that they are just a bunch of gossiping girls with no spark with me. But she chooses not to listen and pulls me along anyway.
She isn't so sensible; she DOES make fun of me even when I'm hurt already.
i think i'm just going to have to refuse to go, even if she hits me and shouts at me to go. she KNOWS about the girls, she knows about everything. she only pulls me along because of her pride thing. i wouldn't mind so much to go there for an hour, but she goes there till 2 AM which is REALLY annoying because usually she's out for the whole day or whole night.
i dont think i should 'maturely' talk to her, she won't listen. its best to fight fire with fire.
I'd really suggest you seek out counseling then-- individual and family. If you feel that you have battle your mother then there is a big problem concerning the line of communication between you two.
As I said before, if she refuses, then go to your school counselor. They will react to your concerns, and they have a lot more power than what you may think.
I'd agree in some regards, but really all "you're a kid, you'll understand what problems are when you're older," is really nothing but dismissive and condescending to the person that it's directed to. It doesn't really fix the current problem, and often leaves the adolescent feeling isolated, and alone. Small issues left unattended accumulate and can cause serious psychological problems -depression, anxiety, etc. It's not up for use to objectively judge the issues that the teen says they're facing, rather we have to respond to how they feel about it.
More often than not, teens just want to feel like they have some control over their lives, and that they're being listened to.
I wholeheartedly agree with you. That is the exact response i was looking for to deal with those in this thread "oh ya ya, u will understand problemz whn u get older LoL".
thats not the case. this is about the present, NOT the future. and saying that will not help anyone here.
There's no need to worry, parents just don't understand - Fresh Prince
Lol but seriously some parents think that because they are desi, they will be better people than white friends. Most of my friends are white. I just get along well with them. To be fair there aren't many desi people where I live and I was into sports in high school and most desis well, they're not interested in that. You just have to compromise.
My mom wanted me to quit playing basketball in highschool because she thought my grades would suffer. I made a deal with her. If I kept my grades up, I play whatever I want (basketball AND football lol). She agreed.
Tell your mom you will go with her to those places but ask her POLITELY and MATURELY to not humiliate you in front of others. Tell her it makes you feel like you're irrelevant.
As for your "gori" friends: why not invite them over to your place a few times. Once your mom sees how they are (respectable like you said) she may change her mind about you going out with them.
I'd rather sit with the "annoying desi girls" for a few hours than to fight with my mother over it.
Read what the Quran says about parents. Even a little "ufff" targeted at parents is a sin. So you can just imagine how much sin u've earned by now, you've gone way beyond the ufff.
Now stop grinding ur teeth over ur parents, go hug ur mother, and tell her exactly how u feel. She is ur mother, she will understand u way better than u think. Just talk to her politely and with love instead of shouting at her. Put urself in her shoes and place her in yours.
I'd rather sit with the "annoying desi girls" for a few hours than to fight with my mother over it.
Read what the Quran says about parents. Even a little "ufff" targeted at parents is a sin. So you can just imagine how much sin u've earned by now, you've gone way beyond the ufff.
Now stop grinding ur teeth over ur parents, go hug ur mother, and tell her exactly how u feel. She is ur mother, she will understand u way better than u think. Just talk to her politely and with love instead of shouting at her. Put urself in her shoes and place her in yours.
Appealing or demeaning on the grounds of religion (and I'm going to assume that you know for a fact that the OP is a Muslim), isn't very wise when you aren't familiar with the entire situation. There could be a myriad of unmentioned problems that are causing this rift between the two, so we can't suggest anything as a definite.
And while I'm not suggesting this is the case with the OP's mother, there are some parents out there who are not worth the air they breathe.
One mistake in my post: I assumed she was a muslim.
Anything else besides that? Appealing and demeaning on the grounds of religion? Are you for real? No one here knows of the entire situation. No one knows the OP, nor her mother. And yet everyone has made their opinions. So have I. And I don't think there was anything harmful in me telling her to let the anger go, go hug her mother and talk to her politely.
As much as we like to ignore the fact that teenagers have problems too, it might not see a big deal to us...but whatever we do as teenagers and young adults, it effects us even as adults. The ones hwo had positive experiences as teenagers probably dont' feel it as much as those who had negative experiences.
Maybe some of you had truly simple and lovely lives and no hard times as teenagers and really...God bless you, but some of us had a tough time growing up and still remember that so giving her the condescending attitude that her problems are nothing or yelling at her, isn't going to help matters very much.
I am requesting everyone to PLEASE stop suggesting that just because she is 14, her problems are not serious enough. That is the worst possible way out there to solve problems.
GuradianAngel, I think Noor_is_the_Bore has the best advice here. I would also suggest that you talk to you father about it, as you mentioned that he understands. And make it his responsibility to deal with it with your mom. It might be easier to have an open conversation with your dad about this, than your mom, given the situation. Talk to your dad in private and ask him to figure it out with your mom. If it doesn't work, or even if it does, try seeking out a counselor. Things don't have to turn huge before you seek help.
That sucks that you don't enjoy them...I made long lasting friendships both with the daughters and their parents...It's been seven years since I've graduated from high school and since those dawats dwindled as we children left to colleges and universities, and got married- but those connections to this day help me in both my professional and personal life.
I especially remember hating going to those dawats where there were no kids my age, but I'm grateful I listened to my parents and went...The network that my parents helped me make was worthwhile...So don't limit yourself .
I hope you’re just trolling.