If you found out that your future saas doesn't like you, but the guy is perfect..

Lifestyle Relationships
1

What would you do? I would always say ‘break it off’ to anyone else. but in my case..i’m not sure.. but the thing is I have been good friends with this guy since college and now that he has brought up marriage as a topic (he has talked to my parents too) I am seriously considering it. He is really a caring, thoughtful, and well-rounded person. I get along with his family. i met his mom briefly, at that time i wasn’t thinking of her as a future saas, so i wasn’t really presentable :frowning: That was like 3 years ago. Anyway, I was talking to his sister on MSN and i told her family approval is really impt to me. She said everyone loves you, my mom has a problem with your western upbringing, but don’t worry we will convince her and convince your parents too. I feel so bad because it’s something I can’t change. And I am not particularly western…anyway I told my guy (‘my guy’..ha) that this is making me feel really bad. He thinks I’m blowing things up because the other five members of his family do like me and I’m not focusing on that. My best friend says it’s hard to find such a commited, caring guy especially one that i know so well..but this makes me so sad :frowning: I need to make a decision so I don’t waste his time..

2

Re: If you found out that your future saas doesn't like you, but the guy is perfect..

Even if ur MIL LOOOOOOOVED you right now...chances are that once u tie the knot, at one point or another in ur life time with this man....she will hate u for whatever reason. It's natural :D Also, will you be living with the family? Or with him alone? Because it will be alot more bearable if you are not going to live in a joint family.

It's not often you find someone that you get along with and can have a gud futrue with. I say stick with him. If he's really worth it, he will try to protect you and make his mother happy and be able to do both without being either a mamma's boy/bivi ka ghulaam.. .. so i say chill.. u met 3 years ago and ppl change alot in 3 years..

3

Re: If you found out that your future saas doesn't like you, but the guy is perfect..

Dont look too much into it. It's normal....his mom doesnt know anything about you. She is just being a bit skeptical about her son's choice that's all. She would have probably done that with any girl.

I wouldn't break off a rishta just because of that. If she said something insulting and had a strong dislike towards you then it would be a totally different story. From what you are telling me...it doesnt seem like that.

4

if hes saying other 5 members like you that means ur likaeble.n wats her reason to say western upbringing.maybe shes just doin nakhras to tell you shes important this happens all the time

5

just go for it. i mean i've seen lots of people with mother in laws who wouldn't agree at first but eventually came to love the daughters, just win her over, change her mind about yourself

6

Wow those were really fast responses! I feel much better reading what you guys have said. My mom is sort of concerned about this factor too because she says if saas is not happy, she can make her son feel negative against me. But my mom also said she would try her best to make it happen if it's what i want. i'm surprised my mom is so accepting, but it puts more pressure on me to make a decision. I can't blame a 'no' on them anymore.

My guy is getting kind of annoyed at me too, saying that he's had to prove himself to me time and time again and i'm making things difficult for him. and he wrote that i need to sort things out and decide my course of action for once and for all. I feel really bad, because he is extremely calm and for him to write something like that means I'm being super annoying. I am going to tell him, if your side has no problem, mine doesn't either..lol. it seems kinda besharam but I have to say it. I know I'm going to regret not saying if i end up with some 35 yr old halwai just because of my ego.

I feel so much better after realizing that i am not extraordinarily hatable or anything. Btw, do you guys have any pointers on how to soften my mother-in-law's heart towards me? And make a good first impression? She lives in Dubai so I will have a very short chance to undo an impression that has lingered in her head for 3 years.

7

Re: If you found out that your future saas doesn't like you, but the guy is perfect..

^find out her likes and dislikes first

8

Re: If you found out that your future saas doesn't like you, but the guy is perfect..

why the hell would you live with your inlaws?!

heck i get married im leaving home!

best thing to do is get married, live on your own. you will hardly meet your inlaws, like once a week.

9

Why can't you meet with her again before things are set in stone?

Something to keep in mind ,you nagging at your guy about his mom might ruin things between you guys. Try to reach out to her using the support you have from the rest of the family.

10

You really shouldn't break it off because your mother-in-law doesn't like you especially if this is going to be a love marriage. If the guy is really caring as you say then you should really put in some effort and work on yours and your mother in laws relationship. When it's a love marriage you can't expect all the family members to be happy about it. Sometimes the conflict could be from your side and sometimes from the guy's side. What's really important to do though is to show your mother-in-law your values and beliefs since she thinks you're weterenized and you say you're not. You need to show her that you have a lot of respect for and you will be a great daughter-in-law. I would say it's mostly up to the girl because she's going to a new house and she really has to put in effort to get that respect and a nice place in everyone's heart from the guy's family. In most cases I've seen the girl wins. Even if some family members had a problem with her and the girl knew how to win their hearts, she did.

11

Re: If you found out that your future saas doesn't like you, but the guy is perfect..

i think it depends on how much interaction you are going to have with her and if you feel you can deal with it if it turns out she never accepts you.
my MIL-to-be can't. the main problem is that it is nothing personal. she's just not a very open minded person in all respects but also in that she had a plan laid out for what she expected for her son. nothing has unfolded that way and she just can't get over it.
at the end of the day you are marrying the guy and the future should be about the two of you and your family to come. i won't even be living in the same country as my saas, so for me whether she likes me or not is not too much of an issue. if i had to live in the same country as her, yea, the decision would have been a lot more difficult... i doubt i would been to marry him unless i knew we were going to have our own independent life.

12

I would say instead of avoiding ur MIL or running away from her, you should really try to work it out by being a caring person or even ignoring somethings she says. Think about it, *the guy you're thinking of marrying is her son. She brought him into this world, took care of him, raised him, made him the man he is today. You should respect her for that for the rest of your life. *
(I know by doing that she did you no favor but being thankful is always like by Allah)
You should look at it this way --- the man I'm in love with today, was taken care of for god knows how many years by this woman. That should make you very soft hearted towards your mother-in-law even if she's not reasonable sometimes.

13

Once a week is not 'hardly'. It's pretty frequent!

Jalebi....don't stress over it that much, because we all have seen cases where MILs adore their bahus prior to the wedding..and after wedding they totally change...so even if she liked you now, whats the guarentee that she'll like you afterwards too?

But in either case, whether she likes you or not, and you end up getting married into their family...just be nice to her and try to win her over... Inshallah, things will change for the better.

Best of luck :)

14

was that directed at me?

15

No It was directed at Jalebi who started the thread :)

16

i noticed 1 thing..all girlz abroad r so senstive if theyr mil doesnt like them or act nice 2wrads tehm..tehy get so worried bout it.. but..the girlz in/4m pak..they dont give a rats tuie whether the mil doesnt like them..hehe..they find indirect wayz 2 go against her n do whatever they want..

just an observation..i m not giving any advice or taking any sides or anything..just find it interesting

17

hmmm maybe because girls abroad are more caring..??...and don't know about family politics as much girls in pak..??since life abroad is very busy in pak mostly girls stay home watch soaps and gossip...and mybe they dont "act" but really try to be nice towards their MIL...just a general thought
but then again it shouldn't matter where you live....in the end it all comes down to your personality

18

I am with everybody on this one , just go for it.
As for pointer to soften your mother in law and a good first impression. When you have next chance to meet her. Go meet her in a hijab and make sure that even your hands and feet are not showing. Also try to avoid speaking English or a single word of it during conversation.
Just kidding. Be yourself , she has nothing against you as for your character and personality are concerned she is judging you just you being raised in West, so be it.

19

seriously.

it might take time to show her that although you may be different due to your upbringing it's not necessarily bad.

my dad (thankfully he stepped in) had to put in a lot of work with my parents in law to make them understand that we are bought up quite differently here. and also with me, to make me understand that i can't always voice my opinion like i'm allowed to over here, because a lot of ppl in PK, esp my in-laws think this is bad manners in front of adults, or even your husband.
just one of many examples of differences in acceptable behaviour.

it just needs some work from both sides.

personally for me, the reason i could never live with them is that i would have to stifle too much of my personality and just become a docile, obedient, Pakistani housewife. even though the reason my fiance fell for me is because i am opinionated, independent etc etc.
hah, and my parents would be mortified if, after all the effort they put into my schooling etc so i could reach the level of education i have, i was like 'yea whatevs, i'm gonna get hitched and pop out some sprogs to keep the inlaws happy'.

20

:rotfl: