By problem, I mean - if MIL does something that makes you feel awkward, or you don’t feel like a part of the family, or you feel ignored, etc.
My friend’s MIL makes her feel very awkward; my friend claims she never feels like she’s a part of any family discussion/phone/skype. The in-laws live in Pakistan, her and her husband live away from them, in another country (husband recently went there, while wife is born and raised there). During my friends wedding, words were exchanged between the MIL and her own mother that just made things awkward. The MIL begins treating my friend coldy, they were fine and dandy before. My friend told her husband, who blew up at her and said she disrespected his mother by telling him this.
So, what are your thoughts? Should she have told him or not? Was the husband’s reaction correct/incorrect?
I think the husband is at fault, not thinking of my bias to my friend… but if she complains about this to her own mother, it just makes it seem like she’s edited/back-biting. The only person she can g to is her husband, imo. =/
If your friend has recently got married, she needs to give her relationship time. She needs to develop trust between her and her husband. You can't just enter someone's house and do hangama. Your friend needs to understand that this guy has lived with his parents for years, and in just few days or months he won't turn against them. To him, his parents are always right. If your friend has issues with her in laws, she needs to understand that the most important thing is the bond between husband and wife. Give her relationship time and then when she knows that her husband will understand her, maybe she can mention the treatment she gets from her in laws.
I think noone should complain to anyone else about their mother.
And secondly, there's a delicate way to state your case. Perhaps she wasn't very tactful?
She caught him saying her mother is very 'fake' and 'drama-ey' on Skype, to his own mother. She didn't say anything about it to him until they talked about the MIL problem. He says he can say whatever he wants about anyone he wants to his parents. Do u feel that's right?
God if the MIL lives far away...and is none too fond of me....I personally would feel relieved that she doesn't include me much in her discussions/skype, etc. I don't need my words/contributation to a conversation...even if they are totally benign....to be distorted and used against me in some way. I don't need that drama...it's one less thing to worry about. I'd continue to respect her...especially around my spouse....I'd stick to my standard time for calling her (a couple of times monthly, whatever)....enquire after her health/well-being.....offer best wishes/help when the situation warrants it, fulfill formalities such as visits/gift-giving etc. But I wouldn't go out of my way to be feel included by soeone who has already made up their mind about me.
As for the husband getting mad.......there are two sides to a story...and perhaps as Demesne said above...she wasn't tactful. In general, people don't like hearing crticism about their parents. Continue being the bigger person....and eventually it will become visible to others the difference between you two women. Let your MIL's badtameezi make her stand out before others...including her own son/family...but don't emulate her. If you have a good marriage...that's what matters most....don't chase after things that will create problems in it.
God if the MIL lives far away...and is none too fond of me....I personally would feel relieved that she doesn't include me much in her discussions/skype, etc. I don't need my words/contributation to a conversation...even if they are totally benign....to be distorted and used against me in some way. I don't need that drama...it's one less thing to worry about. I'd continue to respect her...especially around my spouse....I'd stick to my standard time for calling her (a couple of times monthly, whatever)....offer best wishes/help when the situation warrants it, etc. But I wouldn't go out of my way to be feel included by soeone who has already made up their mind about me.
As for the husband getting mad.......there are two sides to a story...and perhaps as Demesne said above...she wasn't tactful. In general, people don't like hearing crticism about their parents.
Understood. What do you feel someone should do if/when they do have a problem with their in-laws? Should they go to a friend/their own parents/siblings... ?
Understood. What do you feel someone should do if/when they do have a problem with their in-laws? Should they go to a friend/their own parents/siblings... ?
I think you have to pick and choose your battles. Not every little conflict with in-laws needs to be shared with your parents and siblings. And whether or not you should let something slide or vent about it.....can be better decided when you're in a more calmer frame of mind. You parents and siblings love you and can find it hard to be unbiased.....they may all give different advice that could possibly leave you feeling more confused than ever...and even increase the tension in your marriage. Some might argue that it would be considered backbiting.....but that can also depend upon how one words their frustration and with what intention.
You have to be careful with venting to a friend. If that friendship turns sour at a later point....what if your venting comes back to haunt you? Or what if your friend has friends that know your in-laws....and word spreads that way? At least with one's own parents/siblings....they might exercise more caution.
every person is different in 2 years she must have understood her huby so she must knew how to speak n talk 2 him n as us aid his huby overherad her while speaking 2 her mum she should be careful in speaking when her huby is around n if she said dramaey n fake thn ofcourse she disrespected her MIL
i also have lots of complaint n i discuss wth my huby but ofcourse i never use any harsh words after all she is her mum n if huby is not so understandint thn she should ignore these issues or discuss wth her mum
He says he can say whatever he wants about anyone he wants to his parents. Do u feel that's right?
I think that when your friend's husband has calmed down......she needs to address the matter with him. She needs to tell him that at least she expressed her own concerns about his mother to his face....and not behind her back. Tell him that respect needs to be mutual and not one sided...that both sides need to have consideration for each other if a marriage is to be a stable one.
As I said, noone should say anything against anyone's mother. If he did that he was very wrong.
She shouldve talked about how wrong he was in saying so, rather than what her MIL wouldve then said.
She caught him saying her mother is very 'fake' and 'drama-ey' on Skype, to his own mother. She didn't say anything about it to him until they talked about the MIL problem. He says he can say whatever he wants about anyone he wants to his parents. Do u feel that's right?
every person is different in 2 years she must have understood her huby so she must knew how to speak n talk 2 him n as us aid his huby overherad her while speaking 2 her mum she should be careful in speaking when her huby is around n if she said dramaey n fake thn ofcourse she disrespected her MIL
i also have lots of complaint n i discuss wth my huby but ofcourse i never use any harsh words after all she is her mum n if hubby is not so understanding thn she should ignore these issues or discuss wth her mum
The hubby said that my friends mother is fake and dramaey. Not my friend. She overheard him saying this but didn't mention it, until she brought up how his mother treats her coldly.
I think that when your friend's husband has calmed down......she needs to address the matter with him. She needs to tell him that at least she expressed her own concerns about his mother to his face....and not behind her back. Tell him that respect needs to be mutual and not one sided...that both sides need to have consideration for each other if a marriage is to be a stable one.
Yeah, I think (also going o your post before this one), that people involve too many other people in personal problems. I said this to my friend and she was offended, but at the same time, I give her props to saying it straight to her hubby first, rather than complaining about the MIL to her freinds, then her mom, then her sister etc. Cos I agree, if you do that a lot of the times women get sucked into this sort of mental game, and I think thats where a majority of saas-bahu crap that we see in women comes into being.
I feel they should do whatever is necessary to gain control of emotions and keep behaving normally in front of spouse and inlaws. This might be talking it out with a trusted friend or family member who will not ever take the situation further or talk about it in turn to anyone else.
Sometimes people need to vent and let go of excess righteous emotion. This anger should not be bottled up inside if the person is going to begin showing resentment.
The ultimate motive is to make your own life as smooth and problem free as you can and to do whatever it takes which is in your own control to do so.
Understood. What do you feel someone should do if/when they do have a problem with their in-laws? Should they go to a friend/their own parents/siblings... ?
I feel they should do whatever is necessary to gain control of emotions and keep behaving normally in front of spouse and inlaws. This might be talking it out with a trusted friend or family member who will not ever take the situation further or talk about it in turn to anyone else.
Sometimes people need to vent and let go of excess righteous emotion. This anger should not be bottled up inside if the person is going to begin showing resentment.
The ultimate motive is to make your own life as smooth and problem free as you can and to do whatever it takes which is in your own control to do so.
That's interesting. So you would rather share whatever anger/pent up frustration you have towards your in-laws with your husband or a family member?
I would agree with you in making one's life as smooth as possible, but who better to soothe a problem with your in-laws than your husband? Wouldn't he be a better option to talk to rather than a friend, who probably can't understand your situation as well as he would.
And when I mean share a problem or whatever, I'm not saying a woman should go to her husband and say "wow your mom sucks" - obviously there's a way and a manner to say everything. Of course you should take into consideration it's his mom etc.
I agree with you that when action needs to be taken and you KNOW action needs to be taken you should talk directly to spouse.
The situations I quote where one should speak to friends instead, is when one needs to cool off and get it out of your system. And practice sabr beyond that bus.
That's interesting. So you would rather share whatever anger/pent up frustration you have towards your in-laws with your husband or a family member?
I would agree with you in making one's life as smooth as possible, but who better to soothe a problem with your in-laws than your husband? Wouldn't he be a better option to talk to rather than a friend, who probably can't understand your situation as well as he would.
And when I mean share a problem or whatever, I'm not saying a woman should go to her husband and say "wow your mom sucks" - obviously there's a way and a manner to say everything. Of course you should take into consideration it's his mom etc.
