If marriage has so many problems then why do they marry ?

[Crescent]

Being a veteran in this area compared to many people on this forum, here's my analysis.

Marriage is important for social order... yeah throw rotten tomatoes at me but, just imagine if none of us were married, we'd be uncommitted and in the hospital every second month for various issues ranging from sexual to mental disorders. Marriage is sunnah...as much as I try to keep religion away, it's not possible. There is blessing in marriage.

So a lot of emphasis is placed in marriage. When I was a young girl, I too thought that parents want to get rid of us but now that I have children of my own, I can understand that after education, etc etc., I would want my daughters to be married off to their husbands so they can enjoy the blessings.

So why can't we have a normal life without getting married... oh yes we can by all means. I have a couple of family members who never got married for whatever reason, and they are both well settled, happy and healthy. So yeah sure you can survive. But my question is that if you have the opportunity to get married, why refuse it?

Why all this chaos about marriages not being what you expect them to be and all that? Why so much analysis? Why so much speculation? And then, why so much expectation? I see young girls getting into marriages with the expectation that their in laws will be mean, or their husbands will be nasty... so much goes into the planning of a wedding that the focus from marriage is shifted. When reality strikes, it's a big surprise that marriage is yet another relationship and like any relationship, it requires a 100% effort from each partner.

No, husbands don't bring in your breakfast tray in the morning on your bed of roses and carry you around the house and write messages in their blood on the bathroom mirror claiming their eternal love...and no wives aren't supermodels or insensitive aliens or vacuum cleaners that should suck up every piece of crap their comes their way. But the journey is beautiful if you decide to make it work.

So that's all I have to say. Where's my coffee?

Awesome reply! This is a sign of an intelligent woman.

[Gr8Heera]

I guess for some girls JK but here is something I can personally attest to:

Ive been told to get married since I was 16 and almost everday there was an argument in my house because my parents wanted me married right away and I didnt. You simply have to stand your ground with themm. There was rishta after rishta after rishta and I said no for years because marriage didnt fit into my life then and I wasnt interested in just being someone's housewife. I fought and fought for my right to marry when I wanted to. I almost left my house once because according to my parents they had found the perfect guy (this guy's current wife is not allowed to finish her education btw) for me and I was to marry him.

My fiance was also chosen by my parents but OK'd by me in the end.

The wedding and attention are only sweet if there is a good person to share it with. Otherwise, they start to sound like a death sentence. Ive been there. Im having fun right now planning a wedding but if I didnt love him...this would be horrible.

If you're unsure about what you want out of life...stay away from marriage. Why drag another person through that ringamarole with you? Its not their problem.

Kafi Suni huwi kahani lugti hai.

Last paragraph exactly.

i have a different point of u.....

some girl do get into the marriage not with big expectations but they get into the marriage with a hope that if things didnt turn out the way she is planning..... she'll put in her best effort to make it work and it is not a lie that most girls blame their parents for their failed marriage because initially its her parents who force her in.

take me for example.... when i was asked abt my husband i clearly said No to my mom because the way my FIL took me to the other room and started talking to me in a way i didnt like at all ..... he was doubting my character and asking me if i already have a bf ..... it was insulting for me atleast but mom didnt see it a big deal and despite of me telling her that i dont think this family is right for me.... (there were other small incidents) she went ahead and said yes to them.....

i was so pressurized by my family that i couldnt even stand up for myself.... there was no one who supported me or bothered to understand my point of view.... so when mom said yes ... i decided i am gona make this marriage work no matter what....

but after putting so much effort (maybe not as much as compared to other ladies who had been through a lot) and i did work hard at it and in return i never got anything....and the funny thing is that he makes it sound like its my responcibility to keep putting effort and not his.....

my inlaws behave really weird.... to me it seems like they never accepted me as their bahbi.... i feel like i am unwanted in their family.... even though its arranged by his family.... not even in the beginning of marriage i felt that i am part of his family....

i tried talking to him so many times but there is a huge communication gap between us so yeh its not like girl blame their parents/spouse/inlaws because they dont see their marriage going any where.... maybe some do but not all girls blame their parents because they seem like an easy target but they blame them because they were the one who took the decision and told her that we are your elders and we know this world more then u so you should trust us because we are not gona ruin ur life.... and at the end they do end up ruining our life......

i however never told my parents that they made a wrong decision and never told them what i am going through... cuz i dont see any point

Bohat si larkiaan aisa bhi karteen hain. Khamosh say sehti rehti hain.

Thanks for praying for me..... i read other member's post .... they seem to believe that girls who do blame their parents do it cuz they dont know what else to do to satisfy themselfz....

chamak i know none of our duas r left unanswered.... they do benefit us some way or the other..... its jst we dont know and i do have full faith on Allah and i know he is testing my faith and i know He is there for me even if the whole world leave me He will be there to listen to my prayers and to give me more strenght ..... i know i have to b strong but sometimes i get tired of trying and not seeing any results......

do remember me in ur humble prayers

Zabardast.

[Gr8Heera]

Re: If marriage has so many problems then why do they marry ?

Shadi kioon kartay hain?

Is liaay kay wo insaan ki zaroorat hoti hai. Her tarha ki need kay liaay.

Shadi kay baad problem hoti hai to pata chalta hai na. Pehlay to naheen pata chalta kay aap ki shadi kisi do takay kay insaan ay ho gai hai aur wo aap ka naak main dum ker day ga/gi.

Shadi say pehlay agar pata chal jaay to koi aisay shuksh/larki say shadi hi na karay.

Kuch khosoosiaat numayan ho jaateen hain baaz cases main laikin seedhay aru shareef loag samajh naheen patay aur dhoka kha jaatay hain.

Future main kia ho ga kisi ko naheen pata. Present ka pata hota hai kay shadi ho gi to mazay hon gay her tarha kay dono side say yay his socha jata hai. Baad main kia hota hai kon janta hai.

Dono janib kay afraad agar qurani taleemat say labraiz hon aur un pay amal payra hon to koi masla naheen ho aur zindagi bahtreen guzray laikin agar ak taraf say bhi ghalat tareeqa aur rawaiya ikhtiaar kia jaay to masla kharab ho jata hai.

Masla bhi itni jaldi aur asani say kharab naheen hota jub tuk kafi ziada budtameezi na ki jaay.

Shaadi karnay kay bohat say faiday hain. Achchi ho gai to zabardast. Buri ho gai to Allah ki panah.

Tanhai main akelay pun aur gunah ka khatra hota hai.

[Reha]

Re: If marriage has so many problems then why do they marry ?

Anny, Ive read your posts before and didnt mean to generalize. :)

I know there are girls out there who are forced into marriages by parents/guardians/relatives and they dont ever get to say no. No one hears them even if they do. I dont know what I would do if ever placed in such a situation but definitely give all the girls who tough it out TONS of props. It cannot be easy and I wouldnt even know where to start!

You and other girls like you are very brave and Im sure Allah swt will reward you when the time comes for your sabr. He has a plan for everyone. Inshallah.

[Aliyish]

Re: If marriage has so many problems then why do they marry ?

Whats love got to do got to do with it

Whats love but a second emotion

[waterfall99]

I guess for some girls JK but here is something I can personally attest to:

Ive been told to get married since I was 16 and almost everday there was an argument in my house because my parents wanted me married right away and I didnt. You simply have to stand your ground with themm. There was rishta after rishta after rishta and I said no for years because marriage didnt fit into my life then and I wasnt interested in just being someone's housewife. I fought and fought for my right to marry when I wanted to. I almost left my house once because according to my parents they had found the perfect guy (this guy's current wife is not allowed to finish her education btw) for me and I was to marry him.

My fiance was also chosen by my parents but OK'd by me in the end.

*The wedding and attention are only sweet if there is a good person to share it with. Otherwise, they start to sound like a death sentence. Ive been there. Im having fun right now planning a wedding but if I didnt love him...this would be horrible. *

If you're unsure about what you want out of life...stay away from marriage. Why drag another person through that ringamarole with you? Its not their problem.

very well said..I absolutely agree with you!

[notorious]

All girls dream of their wedding day? Is there really something wrong with me then? Ever since I was a little girl, I always dreamed about one day being a writer, publish books. Then in later years, I always thought about what kind of other work I would do, because you can’t earn your living as a writer, there are exceptions of course. Mostly you have to have another job to earn enough money. So those were my first dreams. I did play with dolls though. But for my future life, I didn’t dream about wedding or married life, it was always something with books. When I was engaged even, my thoughts were mostly occupied with my education and the question if I would ever be able to publish a book, even one book or story.

Is something wrong with me? I’m not sure. I did fall a little bit in love with someone in my class, I liked him a lot, though we didn’t have a relationship. But even he wasn’t the most important thought in my mind, those were always books and education. Maybe there really is something wrong with me.

[notorious]

i have a different point of u.....

some girl do get into the marriage not with big expectations but they get into the marriage with a hope that if things didnt turn out the way she is planning..... she'll put in her best effort to make it work and it is not a lie that most girls blame their parents for their failed marriage because initially its her parents who force her in.

take me for example.... when i was asked abt my husband i clearly said No to my mom because the way my FIL took me to the other room and started talking to me in a way i didnt like at all ..... he was doubting my character and asking me if i already have a bf ..... it was insulting for me atleast but mom didnt see it a big deal and despite of me telling her that i dont think this family is right for me.... (there were other small incidents) she went ahead and said yes to them.....

i was so pressurized by my family that i couldnt even stand up for myself.... there was no one who supported me or bothered to understand my point of view.... so when mom said yes ... i decided i am gona make this marriage work no matter what....

but after putting so much effort (maybe not as much as compared to other ladies who had been through a lot) and i did work hard at it and in return i never got anything....and the funny thing is that he makes it sound like its my responcibility to keep putting effort and not his.....

my inlaws behave really weird.... to me it seems like they never accepted me as their bahbi.... i feel like i am unwanted in their family.... even though its arranged by his family.... not even in the beginning of marriage i felt that i am part of his family....

i tried talking to him so many times but there is a huge communication gap between us so yeh its not like girl blame their parents/spouse/inlaws because they dont see their marriage going any where.... maybe some do but not all girls blame their parents because they seem like an easy target but they blame them because they were the one who took the decision and told her that we are your elders and we know this world more then u so you should trust us because we are not gona ruin ur life.... and at the end they do end up ruining our life......

i however never told my parents that they made a wrong decision and never told them what i am going through... cuz i dont see any point

I feel sad for you. Insha Allah everything will get better I hope. I understand you so very well, it sounds so awfully familiar!

One of the things I don't understand, why do they ask us for their sons, if after marriage they only mistreat us and make us feel unwanted?

In the beginning of my wedding, sometimes he was kind to me, take me somewhere, or just spend time with me at home, then his parents were saying, your brother doesn't do that for his wife, why are you doing that for yours? Then his mother said to him, your father never treated me that kind, why do you treat your wife like that? You have to be more strict with her. When we were just married, he did take me out a few times, his parents were angry, his older brother moaning about it, after that, he didn't take me out anymore, not even when we moved to a new home with only his older brother. He was more and more strict and awful, even when we were alone. Why make fake promises before weddings, why be loving and kind to females before weddings, why even ask their hand in marriage if after marriage, only to treat her negatively?!

Your parents don't know what's happening with you? So your inlaws never complain about you? Mine did, my mother-in-law was the older sister of my mother, she always called my mother and argued about me. She said for example, why didn't you teach your daughter haandy? While before marriage my Dad had told her that I could only make roti, tea, samosa and bake eggs. She knew that, her husband had said it didn't matter, that they would show me how to do that after marriage, that it wasn't a problem, but after marriage, they made a huge deal out of it! Mother-in-law always complained about ridicilous things. Not just to my own mother, afterwards she always phoned the rest of the sisters and told everyone lies against me. Sometimes something was true, like my not knowing how to make haandi back then, but she knew that before marriage and didn't make a problem of it then, so why make a problem of it after marriage? There were many things like that as well.

Don't we all just want a quiet nice life without arguments and problems? Why should everyone be nasty to each other without even a good reason? Life can be so nice, so pleasant, I don't understand why some types of people make a problem of everything and fight over every single thing. I think some people just like fighting so they grab any excuse to start a fight.

[annymou5]

Re: If marriage has so many problems then why do they marry ?

I don’t have a MIL who would call my parents and tell them all sorts of stuff (so I should consider myself lucky?) I have only FIL and BILs and SILs and they don’t call me …. In fact the funny part is that they NEVER called me not on Eids/New Year or on my birthday….not even once literally. And my husband is like we are younger and youngster are suppose to call elders. What he is missing out is that it’s not the matter of who is gona call first it’s the matter of accepting and showing love and care and to tell the other person that we do miss u and we have a bounding…… as I said they don’t seem to accept me as part of the family not when I was living with them…..I am a very social and friendly person so when I was in my in-laws house, even though all my SIL are way older than me I still tried to be friendly with them but whenever I tried to join them they would all go quite and I would feel awful and felt that I am invading their privacy so I would quietly walk away….. they would all go for shopping and never for once bothered to take me or at least ask me if I want to go with them….. I would be left alone at home.

[notorious]

Re: If marriage has so many problems then why do they marry ?

That's sad. At least you tried from your side. I guess there is nothing much one can do in such a situation.

[choti_jaan]

Every part of life has problems. Even if you're single for the rest of your life you're gonna have problems. If you're not marrying cause married life has problems, then it's not like your life without marrying is going to be perfect.

When people make decisions, they weigh pros and cons. Most people see more pros in marriage then cons and so they marry- whether that pro may be social happiness or personal happiness or both.

A minority see more pros in being single, so they remain single- but don't think that these people don't encounter problems. Everyone has problems. Life isn't heaven, you know.

[PhatBalongri]

Re: If marriage has so many problems then why do they marry ?

Its not that marriage has problems. Marriage is SO FREAKEN COMPLICATED. Infact I think any relationship is as much as you make it. Like Nikshik said its how much effort you want to put in it.
A lot of times with me, its just my head.