njgal, if you have obvious baggage then yeah, definitely make things lighter before getting into marriage...but for some people, it's invisible baggage... that comes in form of fear, a fear so great that there's no room for adjustment. I also agree that parents shouldn't force their kids...unfortunately all that still happens.
lolz
Did hear that joke old woman in church silently ....
And her husband tells her "change battery in you hearing aid"
Moral: nothing is invisible its only girl's wish full thinking.
Sometimes parents SHOVE their children into marriages that they don't want and cannot commit to.
IMHO in desi community there is this rush to get the girls married as soon as possible . The parents start to stress out once their girls enter into puberty. They start to feel a crushing weight on their shoulder. Once the girl has done has bachelors degree to those parents it means that she is getting old now. This rush to get those girls married off ASAP results in many disasters.
I am only covering one of the scenerio you have pointed out.
Re: If marriage has so many problems then why do they marry ?
Yeah, why marry if you're not ready to? Ive never been forced so maybe I dont understand this but if marriage doesnt fit into your life...dont do it. Dont make someone else miserable.
Re: If marriage has so many problems then why do they marry ?
I guess for some girls JK but here is something I can personally attest to:
Ive been told to get married since I was 16 and almost everday there was an argument in my house because my parents wanted me married right away and I didnt. You simply have to stand your ground with themm. There was rishta after rishta after rishta and I said no for years because marriage didnt fit into my life then and I wasnt interested in just being someone's housewife. I fought and fought for my right to marry when I wanted to. I almost left my house once because according to my parents they had found the perfect guy (this guy's current wife is not allowed to finish her education btw) for me and I was to marry him.
My fiance was also chosen by my parents but OK'd by me in the end.
The wedding and attention are only sweet if there is a good person to share it with. Otherwise, they start to sound like a death sentence. Ive been there. Im having fun right now planning a wedding but if I didnt love him...this would be horrible.
If you're unsure about what you want out of life...stay away from marriage. Why drag another person through that ringamarole with you? Its not their problem.
I guess for some girls JK but here is something I can personally attest to:
Ive been told to get married since I was 16 and almost everday there was an argument in my house because my parents wanted me married right away and I didnt. You simply have to stand your ground with themm. There was rishta after rishta after rishta and I said no for years because marriage didnt fit into my life then and I wasnt interested in just being someone's housewife. I fought and fought for my right to marry when I wanted to. I almost left my house once because according to my parents they had found the perfect guy (this guy's current wife is not allowed to finish her education btw) for me and I was to marry him.
My fiance was also chosen by my parents but OK'd by me in the end.
The wedding and attention are only sweet if there is a good person to share it with. Otherwise, they start to sound like a death sentence. Ive been there. Im having fun right now planning a wedding but if I didnt love him...this would be horrible.
If you're unsure about what you want out of life...stay away from marriage. Why drag another person through that ringamarole with you? Its not their problem.
Re: If marriage has so many problems then why do they marry ?
i have a different point of u.....
some girl do get into the marriage not with big expectations but they get into the marriage with a hope that if things didnt turn out the way she is planning..... she'll put in her best effort to make it work and it is not a lie that most girls blame their parents for their failed marriage because initially its her parents who force her in.
take me for example.... when i was asked abt my husband i clearly said No to my mom because the way my FIL took me to the other room and started talking to me in a way i didnt like at all ..... he was doubting my character and asking me if i already have a bf ..... it was insulting for me atleast but mom didnt see it a big deal and despite of me telling her that i dont think this family is right for me.... (there were other small incidents) she went ahead and said yes to them.....
i was so pressurized by my family that i couldnt even stand up for myself.... there was no one who supported me or bothered to understand my point of view.... so when mom said yes ... i decided i am gona make this marriage work no matter what....
but after putting so much effort (maybe not as much as compared to other ladies who had been through a lot) and i did work hard at it and in return i never got anything....and the funny thing is that he makes it sound like its my responcibility to keep putting effort and not his.....
my inlaws behave really weird.... to me it seems like they never accepted me as their bahbi.... i feel like i am unwanted in their family.... even though its arranged by his family.... not even in the beginning of marriage i felt that i am part of his family....
i tried talking to him so many times but there is a huge communication gap between us
so yeh its not like girl blame their parents/spouse/inlaws because they dont see their marriage going any where.... maybe some do but not all girls blame their parents because they seem like an easy target but they blame them because they were the one who took the decision and told her that we are your elders and we know this world more then u so you should trust us because we are not gona ruin ur life.... and at the end they do end up ruining our life......
i however never told my parents that they made a wrong decision and never told them what i am going through... cuz i dont see any point
some girl do get into the marriage not with big expectations but they get into the marriage with a hope that if things didnt turn out the way she is planning..... she'll put in her best effort to make it work and it is not a lie that most girls blame their parents for their failed marriage because initially its her parents who force her in.
Re: If marriage has so many problems then why do they marry ?
PS: very well said! I totally agree with your opinion.
Annymou5: with all the hardships you have gone through, always remember that Allah is watching and knows how much effort and sabr you have put into this. You will get sawab in the end!
Annonymou5, may Allah bless you with all his blessings and shower you with his mercy and make your life full of joy and happiness. Ameen.
I never generalize you would see in my opening post I did not say all girls or all boys are do that.
Thanks for praying for me.....
i read other member's post .... they seem to believe that girls who do blame their parents do it cuz they dont know what else to do to satisfy themselfz....
PS: very well said! I totally agree with your opinion.
Annymou5: with all the hardships you have gone through, always remember that Allah is watching and knows how much effort and sabr you have put into this. You will get sawab in the end!
chamak i know none of our duas r left unanswered.... they do benefit us some way or the other..... its jst we dont know and i do have full faith on Allah and i know he is testing my faith and i know He is there for me even if the whole world leave me He will be there to listen to my prayers and to give me more strenght ..... i know i have to b strong but sometimes i get tired of trying and not seeing any results......
