I Wish

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: I Wish

No the internet is not a freaking viable route to finding desi men. Most men on the internet lie. They hide stuff. And honestly woman if a guy is finding a bride on the net via a dating website he has to have screwed up somewhere at some time.

Western, educated guy do not sign up on muslimmarriages.com by choice.

22

Re: I Wish

I know plenty of educated, accomplished, independent minded women of pakistani background who found their matches. Please dont consider these ladies as those who simply focused on looks and throwing themselves out there in social events. You may want to talk to some of them on their approach to community, meeting people, expectations, etc etc. Maybe there is something to learn there.

Its not that all desi women who are married are drop dead gorgeous socialites who ignored education or careers, plenty of successful, educated ladies of varying levels of physical attractiveness are able to find their matches. What is their secret. They did not settle for any muppets, or they would not be happy.

If you want to vent, that is fine and understandable and many of us will be here as a sympathetic ear and a supporting shoulder, we are a little community of our own now. If you are looking for any feedback, just think about what I have written above. I have given the same advise to girls in my family who are in somewhat similar situations to you, and a former friend who at 38 does not talk to me because after trying to hook her up several times I told her that I no longer know any eligible single men that come close to meeting her requirements because even those that do, they are all married and have been for some time. if you would rather not hear this and consider this an unsolicited and useless lecture, I can understand that as well and will not share further advise.

23

Re: I Wish

just ''lower'' your requirements a bit.......

24

Re: I Wish

pcg - since you said its not about you, and you are talking in general, here are my two cents:

the questions you ask here are going to be asked more & more, in times to come, by the saner people of the world ... regardless of their gender ... regardless of the question of marriage.

its more about the life in general. examples glorifying & over-stating the virtues of material success, no matter how it is achieved, and depicting it as a must-have prized possession, totally discount the human factor in this mad race.

there has to be a balance in life, in order to stop the agony & anguish all of us feel, but express in solitude only, no matter how super-successful we are.

25

Re: I Wish

CM has hit nail on the ground. Well said. In my experience, i have tried asking our women..and majority of the time..all ya get is attitude and trying to play too hard to get. Now i honestly don't mind chasing yo..but it can get tough when you don't get response. On the other hand, according to my experience..western chicks don't go on to show all this drama. So our desi women have to think where they stand.

26

Re: I Wish

why would he do that? :halo:

27

Re: I Wish

Lol

28

Re: I Wish

Everything comes with a price!

29

Re: I Wish

Why do u think having a career is a jail sentence? You r independent which is one of the biggest blessings in the world.
you come across as very haughty and extremely negative. No one has an easy life. Everyone has challenges to face including, believe it or not, housewives. Married women have to make a lot of compromises every day of their life.
Count your blessings and have a better attitude to life.

30

Re: I Wish

Not every guy (or girl) lives in a desi area or has a network of aunties to help find someone..

I know of a couple of ppl who found great partners on marriage sites, the sort of ppl they would never have come across in their day to day lives or thru friends or family..

People DO lie online but it's easy enough to get to know their silbings/family members/friends and take things slowly to be as sure as possible that everything is ok.. The ones who get themselves into trouble are those who are naive and too trusting.. Those who leap into arranged marriages without knowing the person often end up with the same problems..

31

Re: I Wish

MashaAllah look how in-sync both statements are :smack:

Ajj metric ker liya honda , ta aah haal na honda .

:chai:

32

Re: I Wish

it feels nice that someone understands. :frowning: especially someone like a CM :chai:

33

Re: I Wish

I've contemplated this a lot. Especially as my mother has gotten older and seen her life compared to her sisters' and bhabis, etc back in Pakistan. She very strongly feels that working and the related stresses have aged her prematurely, but it hasn't led to any greater happiness. She feels that women she concentrate on their home lives and not push to do more because it just adds more strain on them, and less happiness.

But it is important to note that my mother worked because she had to in a job that she is okay with but generally does not enjoy. I on the other hand have pursued careers that I enjoy, rather than ones that I know are lucrative. Though it's still hard to wake up some mornings, when I am in the thick of it, I enjoy it, and that makes the other issues minor.

Honestly, I don't know how to be the girl who is devoted to her own beauty and making herself a suitable companion for a man. To be honest, I don't like those girls. I have had to maintain relationships with girls like these because they are part of the family, but I don't like it. I do not like spending most of my time discussing and trying out various beauty tips or dating tips or having cheap discussions involving chasing after boys. These are not things I converse about. That doesn't mean I don't like to look pretty. It doesn't mean I don't notice the cute boys. It just means that I need relationships and interactions that are more meaningful. These more meaningful interactions can be achieved whether you are educated or not, whether you are working or not, whether you are married or not. BUT there are certain personality types that are required, and a certain level of maturity that is required.

I guess there are multiple issues being introduced here:
- Striving hard to be a home-maker and to develop a warm and stable base for a family. I don't find that problematic. In fact, I know that this is challenging and very worthy of admiration.
- Striving hard to be someone who is physically attractive, but otherwise lacking in substance. Yeah, this is problematic. And there are way too many girls who cultivate this part of themselves to the detriment of their whole selves. I find these girls annoying.
- Denying your femininity and romantic feelings because you feel these things are "trivial" or "unintellectual." I know a lot of people who have gone through this phase. I myself did, but luckily got out of it fast enough. I do have friends who refused to dress up, or make themselves presentable, to acknowledged they liked boys, to acknowledge the attention boys gave them, etc etc, because they felt that it went against their conservative Pakistani upbringing AND it went against their own feminist streaks. But I don't think it's true. It is not "feminist" to deny your own beauty and feelings. It is just hard to reconcile all of these different parts of ourselves when you're growing up in a culture that is foreign to so many of your family members. For many of my friends, it took them longer to find themselves and to come into their own, and to really grow into confident and beautiful women. They're in their 30s when it happens. And suddenly, not enough people are still interested.

I feel like I'm just scratching the surface, but yeah. I guess balance is important. And being open, honest, confident, and fun.

34

Re: I Wish

our desi marriages are carried out in a very "material" sense, too. but i agree with some of your points.

balance. balance. balance. agree.

but that still doesnt explain why 30+ women cant find a good match and are considered too old. that mentality is the root of the issue.

35

Re: I Wish

QFT :lajawab:

36

Re: I Wish

supply and demand…simple as that.

unless demand increases for 30+ women…

PS: it took 33 posts to bring in the ‘feminist’ aspect into the discussion :hehe:

37

Re: I Wish

but nowadays people who get married later have more successful marriages anyways. maybe people need to find other things to do instead of just focusing on marriage. that is the problem.

and this is not a feminist discussion..men and women have their own gender roles in every way. and it cannot be changed.

38

That’s because, for some odd reason, our society is still stuck in the mindset that “a woman is a kid popping, handi cooking, ghar sambhaling machine. And if she’s not married or engaged by 21, something is SERIOUSLY wrong with her!” (Serious over generalizations. Please refrain from ripping my face off <3)

“Par likh ke kya karna hai? Ghar bait k bache he sambhal ne hai!” I cant tell you HOW many times I’ve had to hear that BS line. (Not from my direct fam… thank god!)

Yes I do know plenty of desi girls that are educated and married. And when one of those aunties hears that the girl, as well as her hubby, are working… it’s automatically assumed that they’re struggling financially.
… :smack:

39

Re: I Wish

thats just one view.....that late marriages last longer...

feminist point was about the not getting rishta/guys part........ see most of the guys don't really like feminazi traits.....that could be a factor too

40

Re: I Wish

Or they say stuff like, acha biwi se bhi job kerwata hai. or if she takes leave after a kid, acha ab biwi ki bhi job churwa de hai. :cb:

Then, this mentality somehow needs to change, so i guess we gotta keep working at it :chai: