Been ages I feel since Life1 had something interesting to talk about.
**About the above line: “I want to be happy in marriage too”
**I don’t think it is a taboo to say that, but I do believe that veterans who are married often play down expectations of a lovey dovey type happy marriage saying it is unrealistic. I cannot really comment this way or that yet as I feel I haven’t been married long enough (and I don’t think anything newly married as such can comment on this cos it is either things are too good at the beginning or things are too tough). I feel it takes a while to reach a dynamic equilibrium unless there are crazily looming glaring problems between the two.
But even regarding those, and regarding whatever it is which is making either partner unhappy, in the longer run when we aren’t as close to the scene, doesn’t it feel like certain things preventing “happiness” were simply a state of mind? What exactly is “happy” in a marriage? Is it that you are content or that you wake giddy with joy every morning?
How “happy” are we in any relationship? Somehow “happy” to me sounds like falling in love for the first time. That initial swoon. It can’t last. Marriages eventually should grow mutually, with shared experiences and resolved issues bonding the two, isn’t it so? That’s just my opinion. And since that is how I feel, I wonder how many are truly “happy” in the difficult initial process of that journey.
Before our very first huge fight, I never knew we could fight the way we did. After the fight, I never knew we could make up as solidly as we did (really felt like the world was crashing down and it was the end of everything between us). Marriage is full of surprises and IMHO, **very **tenacious! Regardless of how often one thinks to let go, or how many times, there are very few things that can follow through to a separation.
Being “happy” in marriage…sure we all want that. What I don’t get is, where is the point where you give up trying to work towards that happiness. How can you get happy in a marriage if you peremptorily chose to end that marriage before the happy walks in.
I dunno.
So my question is:
What is “happy” in a marriage for you?
Do you acknowledge that getting there is a process and takes time?
When does one bail out? Doesn’t trying everything mean to give it everything you got, including time and infinite chances?
Happiness and Sadness are both temporary . Looking for satisfaction and peace of mind should be the goal . Usually it starts with finding the right person with a sane family . Unless you are seeing her/him on your wedding day .
Tip for guys : Think from right brain while choosing a partner :k:
From the discussions in the other threads, I feel that unhappiness in a marriage stems from lack of freedom/restrictions on doing things someone would have otherwise done.
For me a happy marriage is built on trust, first and foremost. It should create an atmosphere where both partners can thrive and achieve what they want to without the other person dragging them down. Of course there is compromise involved, but when one spouse is expected to step down all the time it creates resentment and negativity. Restrictions on meeting friends, being out in the evenings, attire, career choices .. it all adds up and gets suffocating.
And absolutely, all marriages need time to mature.. it takes a while to understand and trust the other person. When we got married in our 20s, we made a lot of mistakes and were downright nasty to each other sometimes.. but it does get better as you mature.
As for bailing out.. I'd consider it seriously if our trust and respect for each other disappears. I certainly don't take divorce lightly, but I think lack of trust and respect both create a very toxic environment for the family.
^ I absolutely couldnt agree more with what LucyMay has said, she is spot on. :k:
Deme, you stole the question going on in my mind since all these discussions began and now I am in the same boat as you, I want to know too, the answer to all the questions you raised.
Love, a strong connection and strong attraction for each other? You must have had it atleast in the beginning and it’s even better if you still have those things after a couple years of marriage. It’s not like you’re living with a person you don’t even know and is like a stranger right?
The one that steps down keeps on stepping down on most things. What if it stays this way though?
Now when I look back at my parents marriage, the way my parents used to be with each other was nasty but they always made up. They were still attracted to each other because my younger brother is a considerable amount of years younger than me. They were young and sometimes the way men are when they are younger where they are belittling or condescending, my mother used to just give it back to him and communicate that she hated it and I think from then on and plus my mother got my elder brother married to girl from my father’s home state so that also showed that my mother knew my father well and what would make him happy. They look happier now than when they were younger.
My parents had a huge tolerance level. Both my parents rarely hurt each other emotionally though like they would say hurtful things to each other but my mother and father never took them to a point of breaking down or getting hurt by the words and my father was never physically hurtful to my mother. He would still do the things he always did for her even when they were angry and this is when they were younger. Now it’s like this . They still argue but it’s like the picture.
I’m just rambling on looking back at my parents marriage, apologies.
I agree with Namaan......both states of being (i.e. happy and sad) are temporary; neither lasts forever. With this in mind we have to conclude that using either as a measure for success is futile.
I would say that I want to be respected and trusted in my marriage. I understand and accept that there will be times when I will be happy, sad, angry, indifferent, etc.
I absolutely acknowledge that getting there takes time and effort on the part of both parties.
Everyone's limit is different. I don't agree with infinite chances because I simply don't have infinite time to give. There are hard stops to stages and processes in life. (e.g. my child was not a toddler for more than a few months and if my husband didn't prioritize being there for her at that time he's not gonna get another chance at it cuz that time is now gone.) Now this may not be important enough to leave him but if such experiences continue in a repetitive pattern then I have to start considering exactly what his contribution is as a parent.
On a side note I have to say that the term "bail out" is unfair.
Divorce is never the easier way out and if you truly exhaust every other avenue, even then, you will find that separating demands so much more financial, emotional and physical strength because not only are you concerned with making the least amount of negative impact on your child, you have to struggle with your own sense of failure and loneliness as well.
Happiness for me is knowing my partner always has my back. When it comes to the important things in life (security, fidelity, children, finances, career etc) that man will never let me down.
Happiness for me is knowing that his is the face I want to wake up to in the same bed everyday.
Happiness for me is that even after 16 years of marriage we still have “date nights” and plan trips alone together that don’t include the kids.
Happiness for me is also knowing that we have enough differences to keep each other on our toes.. When we fight, making up ahem is the best part lol. Insane physical attraction is happiness for me
I've seen it where a couple, they might have their differences but one in particular, if she is in total sadness almost on the verge on emotional death because of whatever reason, he's always watching out for her and as soon as she sees him, she looks into his eyes, her face totally lights up and it's like a total transformation for her. It's magical even if it's reality I remember wondering why she was sad in the first place and I don't even think she remembers after that point. It was beautiful and I would so completely pray 20 times a day to get that in a future partnership.
I've seen it where a couple, they might have their differences but one in particular, if she is in total sadness almost on the verge on emotional death because of whatever reason, he's always watching out for her and as soon as she sees him, she looks into his eyes, her face totally lights up and it's like a total transformation for her. It's magical even if it's reality I remember wondering why she was sad in the first place and I don't even think she remembers after that point. It was beautiful and I would so completely pray 20 times a day to get that in a future partnership.
I would be weary of establishing standards based on what you see of a relationship from the outside.
Often times we set ourselves up for failure when we embark upon a journey to find a union similar to something we've seen......
I would be weary of establishing standards based on what you see of a relationship from the outside.
Often times we set ourselves up for failure when we embark upon a journey to find a union similar to something we've seen......
Yeah I know that I don't get the whole picture looking from outside. Could you elaborate a bit though?
Yeah I know that I don't get the whole picture looking from outside. Could you elaborate a bit though?
What I mean is that you can't say that you want a marriage like the one where the girl is saved from the clutches of emotional death by her loving partner because you don't know what else goes on in that relationship. You may like that particular aspect of the partnership and hope to have a similar bond, but expecting the same to happen to you is unrealistic.
People get married with the expectation that their spouse is responsible for making them happy. No, that's not true! Keep your individuality even after marriage. Even though you are married, you are still a whole separate human being with separate emotions and thought process. Stop blaming your spouse for your unhappiness. Stop placing unspoken expectations and then wonder why doesn't he/she ever do this or that. Say what you mean, mean what you say. It's not selfish to want to be happy. No matter what happens in your marriage, there is always something to be thankful for. Whether you decide to leave or stick it out does not matter and is your choice and right. What happens after you divorce? You stop expecting your other half to make you happy. Why can't we do that while we are married?
So my question is:
What is "happy" in a marriage for you?
Do you acknowledge that getting there is a process and takes time?
When does one bail out? Doesn't trying everything mean to give it everything you got, including time and infinite chances?
happy marriage to me is where you're happier being married to the person than you would be without them. I married my husband because I knew I couldn't be as happy without him in my life. it didn't take time for me to be happy but, it can take time to adjust to one another no matter how much you love them.
As someone very single, this thread is making me wonder about what makes me happy now... and what role I expect a partner to play.
Correct me if I am being too idealistic here.
The best way I can describe it as is someone who could grow to be as close as a good friend. What goes in a good friendship for me? Treating each other with kindness and being there for the other person. Expressing disagreements with respect/kindness and trusting that they care about you/being a part of your life.
I know it is lopsided to put it in terms of friendship. My best friend and I work because of kindness and trust. I have never questioned how much she cares about me. But then again, we don't live together. When we did, we worked out certain routines. I did things I don't like doing to make her life easier.
That, for me, doesn't paint the picture of giddiness. That is more of knowing the person has your back and you have theirs.
Is that an appropriate expectation to have for marriage?
People get married with the expectation that their spouse is responsible for making them happy. No, that's not true! Keep your individuality even after marriage. Even though you are married, you are still a whole separate human being with separate emotions and thought process. Stop blaming your spouse for your unhappiness. Stop placing unspoken expectations and then wonder why doesn't he/she ever do this or that. Say what you mean, mean what you say. It's not selfish to want to be happy. No matter what happens in your marriage, there is always something to be thankful for. Whether you decide to leave or stick it out does not matter and is your choice and right. What happens after you divorce? You stop expecting your other half to make you happy. Why can't we do that while we are married?
THIS is a wonderful point. To be honest, I went back to my career path and I do wholeheartedly agree I am a happier person because of it
I've been married almost 5 years now but known my husband for quite longer (about 10 years). I think the most honest advice I can give to anyone whether their marriage be arranged or love; is just to become best friends with your partner. You may not enjoy or share the same interests but make an effort to get to really know them. Support each others dreams, encourage each other to be independent as well and respect both sides of your families. Also one last thing, especially for ladies who have brothers.. don't interfere or give unsolicited advice to others in a marriage if they haven't asked you for it. Don't add fuel to a fire if your own mom doesn't get a long with your SIL, etc. I've seen so many cases of this but I think as women as need to take a step back and evaluate our actions and the effects it can have on someone else's happiness. :)
I think in desi marriages, especially ones that are arranged - the biggest problem I've seen is interference of others in a marriage. People giving their opinions, sparking up fights between the partners, etc. You need to always be a united front, even in the future with your kids and discipling them. I use to hate that as a teen when I wanted to get something, but now I've come to respect it in my parents. My mom has never wavered from my dad's side and if they do have it out (which I'm sure every couple does), it wasn't a public tamasha.. which I can't stand when parents do that in front of their little kids.
