Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
Its usually the spoiled uppety women/girls that have problems with their MIL after marraige. I think 90% is roughly correct as no more than 10% of girls could be spoiled (with gifts from daddy etc) while growing up.
^ ur math needs work.
spoiled girls have problems
10 percent of girls are spoiled by daddys
10 percent of girls should have problems hence
not 90percent.
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
True. I think the figure is exaggerated. Maybe 60 to 70% tops. But the figure part needs to be the least bit of anyones concern.
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
^ ur math needs work.
spoiled girls have problems 10 percent of girls are spoiled by daddys 10 percent of girls should have problems hence
not 90percent.
90% that I refer to have no internet or even TV. 10% i refer to make 90% of the noise, probably on daddies laptop.
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
I agree. It can never be 90%. I can bet that its not an iota over 89%
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
I agree. It can never be 90%. I can bet that its not an iota over 89%
You've said the same thing twice. Kya khichree tayyar hourahi hai?
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
I'm not a bride/bride to be but I've seen this enough with my friends and family to comment. Girls, if you don't consider your MIL as a "mother" then you shouldn't expect her to consider you her "daughter". SIMPLE.
Oh and don't give me the "Oh but no one can take my mother's place, I cant call someone else mom" because no one is telling you to replace your mother! It's simply a sign of respect, you'll receive it when you earn/give it.
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
Yes yes .. I know I will be lambasted for this thread but in essence creating this thread stops me from targeting certain Guppans in their own threads with words they don't wish to hear.
I have been married two years now and I have had the highs and lows from the MIL.. Father in law has never ever ever put a foot wrong...MIL has made me cry on occasion and has on many a times made me feel an outsider.. it hurts and I can't forget it but I also realuse in certain situations I was at fault and in certain situations there was no fault of my own but the MIL attacks were due to me, all human beings would prefer not to accept they are at fault but in essence I am at fault.
Why is it fault.. , I come into a family and a relationship where Mother and Son have had a love that was unrequited and not shared out of the blood line and in comes a new person who has the attention of her son and we take a bit of that time or all of that time away from them. I know that there are certain times when you selfishly choose to be on your own with your husband and it must hurt the family to see they have been excluded.
Hubby mash'ALLAH is not a hen pecked husband who and nods at every things his wife says, if anything he keeps me in check with what I am saying and doing and as much as I love myself, I know that if he was not the way he was I could have took advantage and have been more selfish..
I feel a lot of ladies can come on here and make themselves out to be these innocent little angels who could do know wrong.. but I bet 90% of the fiances and wives have pissed around their husbands (mind the french) to mark their territory against flesh and blood..
I see it in my sis in law and I now see the power she has on my brother, I have seen it in myself :(
Yes some MILS are from hell but if you focus on making the In laws feel like they have not lost a son but gained a daughter then even the coldest of hearts would melt to you.
Open to discussion as always
I Totally agree with you...I live with two sis inlaws ( my brothers wives) Yes we have our ups and downs ...but its the dil who is are selfish i see it everyday ....if u dont consider ur mil or fil or sil etc to be your family thats where ur conflicts arise ....Like any mother she will tell you off when u make mistakes ....same goes for the rest of the family...
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
^^^^Not every DIL is responsible for the unrest/tension in a family just like not every MIL is a conniving control freak who is out for her bahu's blood.
We should be careful of making such generalizations, kiskay ghar may kya halaat hain, hum kya jaanay....Right now you are observing your SIL's and feel they are selfish and whatnot, I'm sure you're observations are correct, after all, I don't know you nor do I live in your house however, one day, iA, the shoe will be on the other foot and you too will become a DIL..it's a whole different ballgame when you leave your comfort zone and try to make a place for yourself in another arena...
Bottom line is that each rishta has it's own place and should get the respect it deserves...Barray/Buzurk ka lihaaz karna har bahu, damaad, beti aur beta ka farz banta hai..chaahay wo sahi hon ya ghalat. Aur har maa/baap ko bhi samajna chaiye ke jab bachon ki shaadi hojaati hai, unkay zimedaari aur barjiti hain apne miya/biwi ki taraf...muqabla ke liye jagaa nahin hai....like my mom would say "taali do haathon se bajthi hai, aik say nahin..."
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
I agree with parts of what you said cos Ive seen it around me, a lot of girls are not willing to make any compromises or consider their in-laws feelings.
However I think you’re almost putting the responsibility on just the DIL when realistically responsibility should be shared. Also I think it is very important to remember that if the DIL moves from her family home into the in-laws house then this is a major adjustment to deal with and therefore the in-laws should be aware of this and make the move as easy as possible which may mean they have to take more responsibility. When my SIL moved in with my family, my parents treated her better than me 
cos she was really close with her family and found it really heard to leave them. She really appreciated how much my parents looked after her and she looks after them just as much.
When you get your son married to someones precious daughter and bring her into your home, you automatically take that responsibility. End the day people should think if they have a daughter how would you want someone else’s family to treat her.
The same applies to the other side too, how would you want your SIL to treat your mum and dad.
What goes around comes around.
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
^^^ totally agree with everything you just said, and I most definitely do not put the bulk of burden on the shoulders of a DIL alone…I’ve been married for 13 years mA…rather than rehash what I’ve stated in the past…refer my post in the following thread…
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/533018-materal-words-of-wisdom.html#post8617074
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
I dont understand the issue here? we all have different lives... Just bcuz you admit to being wrong, doesn't mean all DIL's need to. infact it doesnt mean all DIL's are wrong just bcuz you are. If you are "adult" enough to realize u have made a mistake to piss your MIL off, than i think us "Brides" or "bride to be" are smart enought to realize if we are right or wrong.
ur main reason is that a mother and son's relationship is so close that a MIL cannot bear some other women coming in between them. but what if there isnt any close relationship between mother and son? when u dont know the facts, you shouldnt point fingers.
Also, ive seen the number one cause of MIL treating their DIL badly is pure jelousy. bcuz they didnt have the life their DIL has, or will have.
I KNOW SOME DIL'S WHO ARE SPOILED, AND DONT CONSIDER THEIR INLAWS AS THEIR FAMILY, BUT THATS THEIR BAD. if some1 reaches out for help, its best to help them by giving them advice.. not by pointing out how useless u think their posts are.
if you are happy, thats great! May Allah always keep you and ur family happy. but really, just realize that every1s situation is not the same as urs :)
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
I'm not a bride/bride to be but I've seen this enough with my friends and family to comment. Girls, if you don't consider your MIL as a "mother" then you shouldn't expect her to consider you her "daughter". SIMPLE.
Oh and don't give me the "Oh but no one can take my mother's place, I cant call someone else mom" because no one is telling you to replace your mother! It's simply a sign of respect, you'll receive it when you earn/give it.
This is what I used to say too, until my MIL told me that she'll kick me out of the house ... (and she was visiting me.. my house) :o
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
I know that there are certain times when you selfishly choose to be on your own with your husband and it must hurt the family to see they have been excluded.
"Selfishly choose to be on your own with your husband" She married the man...not the family. So it would not be considered selfish if she wants her own home. Of course she should discuss this with her fiance/Suitor/Bf before they actually decide to tie the knot. And unless you have dealt with the coldest of the coldest of the hearts and "melted" them, then all you are making are generalizations and broad ones at that. My aunt was tortured to the point that she tried committing suicide and ended up in the hospital. You tell me how she could've melted her MILS or SILS hearts who physically and emotionally abused her.
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
And to all the people who speak of this sacred mother and son bond, a daughter and mothers bond is just as sacred, If the girl's mothers can let her move on to another home to start her new life, then I suggest the guy's mother needs to learn to share her baby boy. If she has so many insecurities and issues she shouldn't have gotten her son married in the first place. SMH. rolling my eyes. A newly wed girl has enough responsibilities , and she herself has to adapt to a new life. Added drama is totally unnecessary. Why don;t the MILS remember that they themselves were bahoos at one point.
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
10/10. :k:
You do realize what you just got yourself into here right? I can see the sistah-feministahs squirming in their chairs. Lets see how many “:)”'s you get.
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
Yes yes .. I know I will be lambasted for this thread but in essence creating this thread stops me from targeting certain Guppans in their own threads with words they don't wish to hear.
I have been married two years now and I have had the highs and lows from the MIL.. Father in law has never ever ever put a foot wrong...MIL has made me cry on occasion and has on many a times made me feel an outsider.. it hurts and I can't forget it but I also realuse in certain situations I was at fault and in certain situations there was no fault of my own but the MIL attacks were due to me, all human beings would prefer not to accept they are at fault but in essence I am at fault.
Why is it fault.. , I come into a family and a relationship where Mother and Son have had a love that was unrequited and not shared out of the blood line and in comes a new person who has the attention of her son and we take a bit of that time or all of that time away from them. I know that there are certain times when you selfishly choose to be on your own with your husband and it must hurt the family to see they have been excluded.
Hubby mash'ALLAH is not a hen pecked husband who and nods at every things his wife says, if anything he keeps me in check with what I am saying and doing and as much as I love myself, I know that if he was not the way he was I could have took advantage and have been more selfish..
I feel a lot of ladies can come on here and make themselves out to be these innocent little angels who could do know wrong.. but I bet 90% of the fiances and wives have pissed around their husbands (mind the french) to mark their territory against flesh and blood..
I see it in my sis in law and I now see the power she has on my brother, I have seen it in myself :(
Yes some MILS are from hell but *if you focus on making the In laws feel like they have not lost a son but gained a daughter then even the coldest of hearts would melt to you. *
Open to discussion as always
Nice.
MIL hatred (from a woman and man) is one of the most absurd feeling someone can have.
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
If the girl's mothers can let her move on to another home to start her new life, then I suggest the guy's mother needs to learn to share her baby boy. If she has so many insecurities and issues she shouldn't have gotten her son married in the first place.
I disagree with this-- The girls' moms are 100% willing to send off their daughters for their happiness. They share a special bond, but sending them off to the in-laws is a bittersweet moment, they're not really losing their daughters. A daughter won't stop caring about her own mom, dad, sibs after getting married. they're a lot more connected to their family in general.
Same can't be said of guys - once they get married, they can forget completely about their family. Many probably aren't big talkers/time spenders with the family, and now the family sees that he's doing exactly that with his wife, despite his family being there for him his whole life. It's like a slap in the face. I'm sure he still loves and cares for his family, he just doesn't really show it. I know a girl who IMO is an excellent bahu, after the wedding his family seems to be an afterthought to him, she's the one who wants him to help out his parents, go visit, find guys for his sister, etc, but he's perfectly content in his own little world w/ her. She still is close with her sisters and and parents, and tries to maintain the bond with the in-laws too.
I'm sorry but brides need to be aware and give in-laws time to get used to it and need to do all they can from their side to assuage those feelings. Girl's mom's are giving their daughter away, but they still have her heart. Guys mom's keep the son but might lose his love, which I think is more painful.
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Bride to Be
Partyslim .. I didn't expect any less from you.. Nice one :)
C'mon you read all that in a fortune cookie didn't you?
/end lame username humor
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
Sorry for the late responses.. I forgot to subscribe to my own thread :)
Hey stoppit...
I think when it is time for me to become a MIL inshALLAH I will hope that unlike certain MILS I have the capacity to realise as long as my son is happy then I am happy. It all comes back to the point that .. Not all MILS can be bad .. not all DIL's can be but one thing I have seen is that even behind every horrible action, there is a reason for the way a MIL acts or a DIL and if we can try to understand the meaning behind the words rather than react to the words then I think we will have a better more comfortable relationship
I know for my husband, his first love was his mother and the bride is a fool if she thinks it should be a me or her ultimatum
Adab is integral in our faith and in our lives. If I can genuinely love my husband I would have to have a genuine love of his parents as I see his love for them. I have learnt that respectfulness is not what a MIL is looking, it is genuine love that she expects from her DIL and I see that now and the less I worry and the more I treat her like my own mother, the more she loves me back.
Ps I came to the conclusion of 90 which is lower than I wished to is because I have seen genuinely lovely DIL and SIL who are loved and love back .. and really want to live in a happy loving family ..
I agree with the last part but it's a two way street. Why is the onus on the DIL to be daughterly? MIL is elder, she has more life experience, she should know how to behave to make the new member feel loved and wanted. What is all this rubbish of special mother-son bond and wife is going to steal the son away - the MIL who thinks like this in the first place is just causing problems for herself.
And sometimes people just don't want to gain a family member and they can't generate that capacity in their hearts to accept you as one of their own.
Re: I think 90% of Inlaw threads are the fault of the Brides/Bride to Be
We as DIL's sometimes don't want to be part of the whole picture, it is more "me and my husband" world we want to live in. It wasn't a "me and my mother" world before me for my husband it was "me and my family" and if we can get back tot hat then seriously no issues.
I honestly have changed and seen changes in my MIL and this is from me seeing how my SIL treats my mum (good and bad) and see the genuine pain and hurt in my mums eyes.. when she is selfish.
My husband and I live apart at the moment ... but when I go to see them.. I spend time with her specifically, and my young SIL. I make her something she likes, we go for drives as a family. Things which Iw ould automatically for my husband I do now for all. No I don't act like a servant but I show that I care ..
So, have you made the effort to show your in-laws that your not there to steal their son and that they've gained a daughter in you? If so....have you been able to soften them up?
No, I'm not mocking/joking. I ask this seriously.