I need to offload

Ok, recently I posted about a marriage issue but really the entire situation at home is too bad.

My parents had the biggest fight ever today, my dad swore about my mums family and about her dead parents and called her a kutti ki bachi and the worst things you can imagine. He has done that before. He tortures by mum but makes it seem like he tortures us. I was cooking food and he made me go and clean his shoes in such a bad manner that I just had to cry. I feel like a slave more than a daughter.

He then told me that if I chose to listen to my mum about anything then he would sever all contact with me. He then asked me whether I wanted our other house or not ( there so that freshie cousins can come and live in it after our marriages), I said no I don’t need it ( the deeds are in my name) and he said fine, then we will sell it and also sell the house we live in.

He then said that I should stay at home and cook food and learn to do kitchen stuff and not go out all the time (I’m not allowed out anywhere) and he said or I can take all my sisters and go and take their benefits and support them with a stupid office job.

My mums brother rang yesterday (second time ever) and my mum was talking to him and my dad snatched the phone and had a massive go at my mamoo and my mum about how they are filling our ears and not letting my dad do his duty. He then effectively made my mamoo cry on the phone and obviously my mum.

My mum also told me that my dad wants me to marry one of my cousins who was already married, has a son and was taken to court over sexual abuse case against his wife. He is 38. My dad said that if I don’t listen to him, I will always fall to my knees and never will I get anywhere. He calls my mum a ***** and calls her parents and her family *****es and thinks that my mum is filling our ears and turning us against out father. The truth is his actions already do that.

I talked to my parents about moving out, and today even my dad said to my mum to get lost and try and get a house if we want ( we will never get anywhere in the world if we don’t listen to him). I tried to send my sisters out of the room while the fight was happening but my dad made them sit down again.

I wanted to storm out of there at that moment with my mum and siblings but where would we have gone, the council offices are all closed at this time. I feel so lost, finally I am not really interested in anything anymore. Life seems dull and similar day in and day out. Each time I think this is the worst row ever, I get proved wrong. My dad hasn’t gone to tarawee today so can’t even relax.

My mum keeps saying the way your first wife went with her jawaan children, you are just making us majboor of doing the same thing and my dad is like go. He shouts and screams at us all the time and then blames mum for the fact that she has kept us scared all the time. Ya allah, I don’t know how much more sabar I can do. Its just getting beyond bearable. I just want to go somewhere far away.

when my mums close cousin brother died a few months a go, who was 22…instead of consoling my mum..my dad cut of internet access and the landline and accused my mum of being un faithful to him and he swore at the death of the cousin, he said deaths happen all the time, get over it …whats so special about this one?

Re: I need to offload

Your thread's title is funny, anyhow please check your PM.

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Coffeegirl, I think you mentioned you gave up work because your dad wanted you to 'just for Ramadan.' I kinda feel that he's tying to corner you..

If you really want things to change you MUST stand up for yourself instead of letting him walk all over you and your family.. I would get back to work if possible.. The more dependent or subservient you are the more this is likely to go on.. treating you like a servant, pressuring you into a bad marrriage etc.

I need to offload

Normally I wouldn't say this because I believe you should respect your parents but in this case even islam gives you the right to go against your dad if you don't believe me than write to a scholar anyone who you believe in and explain your and your families situation! Maybe that will give you some courage to stand for your self, your mom and your siblings against your dad.
I know it's hard but in the wrong run you guys will be more happy and when you guys are settle maybe than you can get your dad some help since he isn't normal and I don't mean any disrespect

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Take your mom and sisters to that other house, find a job and support your sisters and mother.

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ditto

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Word. Your father is a curse word. He will always be one. curse word him and leave. The rat curse word deserves to die a slow, painful and lonely death. Then he can rot in hell.

Men like this don't deserve families or hell even the ability to live.

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you are in the UK i think? So you can have lots of support from the government like benefits and all, personally i think your dad is over the line. He is giving you a chance to move out i think you should take it and you can live on benifits till you get a job or something. Its time you stand up for yourselves and just move on. I know it will be hard but its the right and best thing to do if you dont act now soon your sisters are gonna suffer just like you and your mom. But whatever you do, do not get married to the person you just described above. And dont worry about you dad telling you how you will fall to your knees if you dont listen to him. Just trust Allah and do what you think is rite for now it think the right thing is to move out and leave him.

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I never lived in UK but I think there must be some kind of support for domestic violence from the government. Find out about it and tell them about this situation.

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The problem is that my mother is still hesitant even after this time and my siblings are underage, I don't have parental responsibility over them so if I take them, the police will do me for kidnapping.

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There isn't anything in inbox

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oh God, im so sorry.. this is a sincere advice sister, it might not sound like what you want but trust me, it will INSHALLAH be the best option for you.. before i even start, dont let anyone abuse you or your mother physically, verbally or in any other means.. even if it's your father! move out, find yourself a job and support your family.. you can always apply for benefits from the council, and depending on your and your siblings' age you might even get additional maintenance benefits.. you shall be on child benefits already, once you move out and contact the council explaining your situation they will even provide you a flat or house (not sure what these are called, government housing i suppose) , your mother will be on benefits if she has lived in the uk for over 5 years, you could even go to uni or make sure your siblings go to uni because they will have student finance options too.. moving out will not make you a loser, it will just help you keep your head up and become something in life! stand up for yourself and your siblings! just talk to your mother, decide what you really want and whether she is ready to move out and start a new life without your father and then just take the action.. best of luck, have patience, Allah make it easy for you INSHALLAH :) i am happy to give you more details on request! feel free to pm me :)

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I'm so sorry to hear your problem. May Allah give you strength in this holy month to do what is best for you and those around you. Ameen.

I'll echo what everyone else has said - get out of there with your mum and siblings. I'm sorry to say but I really don't think your dad will change, and definitely not if you're still living with him under the same roof.

Your mum and dad have joint parental responsibility over your siblings, so if your mum goes with all of you, then he can't do anything. But say he does ring the police, then you can also file a harassment and abuse case against him. However, given what you've written about your dad, I don't think he will want to do that as his authority seems better than all other authority out there.

Contact your local Citizen Advice Bureau. They will make an appointment with you where you attend and tell them the problem, and they'll guide you in the right direction - with housing options and possible benefits you might be entitled to.

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If your father threatens you with kidnapping - tell him you'll have him arrested for domestic abuse.

Leave with your siblings and mother and do NOT look back.

The initial steps are the hardest but so worth it.

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i dont think it will happen, call the social services over there and tell them about it. I mean there must be a organization or a government department you can contact. And it wont be kidnapping when your mother is going with you. Just think about the future. What will happen when you get married, what happens to your family then, it will get much harder for your mom and your siblings when you will be not around. if you dont act now you will suffer more and more and your siblings too.

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Are you in a mirpuri / punjabi family? It is really $*F up on how many pakistani families operate in the west especially UK.

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I would follow this advise..immediately!. Don't let him abuse you and your sisters. I hope situation gets better insha'Allah. It is ramadan..and i pray that.. may Allah make it easier on you.

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Thanks for the advice but this just nearly made me laugh, my work place at the moment is citizens advice :D I'm a gateway adviser as well and I have already spoken to them, it was just housing options really. The biggest struggle is getting my mum to go with me.

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But that's the thing, my mum refuses to go with me

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Exactly that I am