Re: I need friends :(
Hello. I apologize to all the people who tried to reach out to me. I haven't logged on in a while. I've been swamped at work and I guess I was kinda embarrassed to have poured my heart out (even though it is online). It's so lovely to see all the thoughtful messages though. They really do mean a lot! I started this thread when I was feeling really down and really bad about myself. All your kind words definitely helped bring me out of it though. Thank you kind strangers <3
Re: I need friends :(
Me too. I need friends. I just moved provinces. I think you and I are i same vcountry. Pm me. If we are in same city maybe we can hang our.
Sorry @Chaachi, I must have missed your post :S How are you doing?
Re: I need friends :(
Am good. You?
Re: I need friends :(
After school and institute I’ve lost most part of my friends, but it doesn’t make me feel depressed – I even feel like it’s normal being mostly alone. I’m not religious, but I’m totally concentrated on my inner world and prefer staying at home alone rather than meeting someone. I’ve got my beloved husband, his brother, our Moms and I’ve got only one friend of mine. I don’t need more. I’ve got pen friends from all over the world to chat when I need to and that’s enough for me.
Re: I need friends :(
After school and institute I’ve lost most part of my friends, but it doesn’t make me feel depressed – I even feel like it’s normal being mostly alone. I’m not religious, but I’m totally concentrated on my inner world and prefer staying at home alone rather than meeting someone. I’ve got my beloved husband, his brother, our Moms and I’ve got only one friend of mine. I don’t need more. I’ve got pen friends from all over the world to chat when I need to and that’s enough for me.
I'm very close with my family and do have a fair number of acquaintances. But don't you ever feel the need for a close connection whom you can share stuff with? There are things I don't want to burden my family with or I don't want them to be biased based on something I might tell them. I feel a close friend would be able to provide unbiased advice don't you? I have a great husband alhamdolillah, but I still want more but somehow can't find anyone I can really click with in that manner :(
Re: I need friends :(
^ trust me you're not the only one who feels this way. I also don't always connect on the same level with our friends imported wives or white wives. And most of the abcds we know are too abcd, so I always feel left out. I am very close to my family and sisters so I share a lot with them and spend a lot of time with them, however like you said they're biased :). Where are you located? Maybe we can be friends!
Re: I need friends :(
^ trust me you're not the only one who feels this way. I also don't always connect on the same level with our friends imported wives or white wives. And most of the abcds we know are too abcd, so I always feel left out. I am very close to my family and sisters so I share a lot with them and spend a lot of time with them, however like you said they're biased :). Where are you located? Maybe we can be friends!
I'd love that! I'm in Canada. What about you?
I know exactly what you mean! I've had a few friends that were very similar to me but they either moved away or I did and we eventually lost touch. We also moved around a lot when I was a kid so I have zero close friendships.
Re: I need friends :(
I'd love that! I'm in Canada. What about you?
I have seen (desi) people having hard time to cut back on friendships in Canada. This is the first time I am seeing it other way round. How good are you in initiating conversations in any gathering? Like do you always expect someone else to get the ball rolling?
Re: I need friends :(
I'm in the same situation as you , My friends are all married with kids and I'm the only single one and its hard . I have my family but its not same as having friends and going out and sharing stuff with them . I'm in UK , Midlands area
Re: I need friends :(
I am also kind of in the same situation even though I am married and have a kid my friends kids are much older than mine and I also grew up and have lived the majority of my life abroad (UK then Australia and Middle East)
I am not the type to have many friends, even in school I had 3 close friends.
Perhaps we can exchange numbers and make a whatsapp group and chat?
BTW I am 40 and my daughter is 11 months my husband is an Aussie (1/2 Gora 1/2 desi) I am now living in Karachi after recently moving here from Bahrain
Re: I need friends :(
I'm not sure what you mean exactly. Like they have too many friends? Maybe in design concentrated areas like Toronto and Mississauga?
No I'm not usually one to initiate conversations. Although I'm really confident at work, I'm a bit in the shy side in the personal life. Usually once we start talking though, I don't have a problem keeping the conversation going. It's the followup that I struggle with.
Re: I need friends :(
Nice! How was it for you growing up all over the place? I'm wondering if a lot of foreign raised people have identity issues (I know I do!). How did you cope with not fitting in? I find that I can relate better to north Americans but I really want brown friends so that I don't lose that part of me and my culture. But I usually can't find brown people I can relate to. They're either way too conservative or way too liberal for me to be comfortable with. It may be that I'm being too choosy, but I try never to judge without trying something out. Just my feelings. What are your thoughts?
I am also kind of in the same situation even though I am married and have a kid my friends kids are much older than mine and I also grew up and have lived the majority of my life abroad (UK then Australia and Middle East)
I am not the type to have many friends, even in school I had 3 close friends.
Perhaps we can exchange numbers and make a whatsapp group and chat?
BTW I am 40 and my daughter is 11 months my husband is an Aussie (1/2 Gora 1/2 desi) I am now living in Karachi after recently moving here from Bahrain
Re: I need friends :(
I'm in the same situation as you , My friends are all married with kids and I'm the only single one and its hard . I have my family but its not same as having friends and going out and sharing stuff with them . I'm in UK , Midlands area
For me, it's not even about going out. It's more about having a close connection with someone. I was never allowed to go out on my own in my teenage years, but my family and I are pretty adventurous and outdoorsy. Unfortunately most brown people don't like the great outdoors. Most brown brown girls I've met would rather sit and talk inside rather then go exploring.
I'm not very familiar with the geography of UK. I've only been to London and a handful of smaller cities close by. How is the midlands area? Any good hiking areas around there?
Do you think if you were married, you'd have an easier time maintaining friendships? My husband has this one single friend who tags along with us every time we plan camping or hiking trips. I found it weird at first but all the wives have gotten used to him now. Any chance you could do the same?
Re: I need friends :(
I don't think I had an identity crisis maybe because my parents moved back to Pakistan when I was 10 however I was the misfit because I had a Brit accent and then because people found out I was adopted. I never cared much for what people said. I was a tomboy and found I related to the boys better than girls. That's why I only had a few female friends but in typical fashion people got hold of the wrong end of the stick because I had so many male friends. Living overseas I've never really associated with Pakistanis etc much if at all. Possibly because I'm not religious and I can't deal with the (hate to stereotype) females only talking about jewellery and clothes so I've mainly only had non desi friends. I'm ok with that. I don't care what people think to be honest. I prefer to hang out with genuine people who I feel a connection with.
Re: I need friends :(
my father passed away this yr , everything revolved around him as he wasn't well.. I didn't get time to make friends or go out and share stuff with ... i had a close knit group of univ friends but they all moved away after they got married ..
Re: I need friends :(
oooh thts so sad...
Re: I need friends :(
I’ve had a very similar experience to you in some ways. Grew up a tomboy and still am in some ways, so I have always gotten along better with boys. I work in a male dominated field too, so I simply don’t meet as many girls as I do guys.
I grew up completely isolated from desi’s really, my husband was literally my first Pakistani friend and I met him when I was 20 years, so I can relate to getting along with non desi’s better as well.
When I first got married, my husband had quite a few Pakistani friends and we would meet as couples. Most of their wives were usually imports from Pakistan and I had a very hard time relating to them on any topic really; there was the cultural differences, my lack of interest in most girly things and I am an introvert so I’m sure my personality had something to do with it too. I would always migrate over to the guys section where they would be talking about politics or sports so I’m sure I looked like the odd one out.
I always felt so miserable in such situations because I would just sit quietly and all the others would be chatting away and being the best of friends. Eventually I think they stopped inviting me to places and because I unfortunately couldn’t build a rapport with them my husband didn’t hang out with them as much either, if he did it would be on an individual basis with just the guys.
Fast forward 5-6 years and I do now have a handful of desi friends where we hang out as couples/families. In reality though I can’t say that I have an amazingly close connection with any of them. The friends I’m still closest to are still non desi, my arab friends from primary and secondary school and Canadian friends from University.
The truth is I do find it very hard to build a connection with people in general. It takes me years to sort of build a relationship and feel comfortable with people. And I think I do tend to be choosy in that I look for people similar to me in interests, and apparently my interests are not that common, hehe.
Again I think part of it has to do with personality too, I’ve seen a lot of girls just meet each other once and it’s like they’re best friends already, they’ll be facebooking each other and complimenting each other, and honestly I just don’t have that kind of effusive personality. I’m a lot more logical and reserved and it takes me more time to open up to people. Once I do though, I’m very talkative and friendly and people usually have a hard time believing I’m the same person.
Since having a kid, I try even harder to make friends. My parents were not very social, and we grew up without any social network other than our own friends. I can’t say that I have a huge problem with that because it also meant that we got to avoid some of the pitfalls of desi community like ‘what will people say’ and do our own thing without having to worry about much interference. But when time came for us all to get married, we literally knew no one in the Pakistani community and it continues to be a struggle to meet people.
All research points to the importance of having a large social support system so I don’t want my son to miss out on that aspect of his life because I just couldn’t push past my own flaws. My goal now is to be open to meeting all sorts of people, even if we don’t have any common interests really, I still try to be friendly and engage people. The one good thing about being an introvert is that I’m a pretty good listener and a lot of people like that about me. There are times when I do wish amongst these friends I had someone who I could really share everything with but maybe that’s just part of my personality. I’m lucky that I have my sister who lives nearby and my husband, so I do a lot of sharing with them.
Hopefully you’re not a lost cause like me. Keep in mind that it takes work to maintain friendships. The people I find who do really well with making friends are those who are open, they don’t mind setting their egos aside and always being the one to make the initial effort to keep in touch, they don’t expect the same level of reciprocity and they’re ok with that. Try to meet as many different kinds of people as you can, you never know, maybe the most unexpected person can lead you to someone who get along with really well. And even in general having a diverse group of friends is important for a person’s overall growth.
Re: I need friends :(
It's like you're my long lost twin! I'm totally with you on the not being able to relate to Pakistani women. I find them nice enough that and we do get song for the most part but their conversation revolves around desi dramas, designers and makeup artists. None of which I have any knowledge of. I usually find he men's conversation to be more interesting and an infamous in my family for always hanging with the boys. However, I don't quite have the courage to go sit withmy husband and his friends while all the ladies socialize separately.
I think maybe you're right about the ego thing. Once I decide I don't like somebody or if they do something to offend, I rarely give out second chances. And I can't pretend to like someone when I don't :( I've only recently realized that all my "friends" we're really just hood acquaintances. I'm pretty reserved and don't let people into easily. As for children, I don't have any yet but like you, I worry about them not getting enough social interaction with other Pakistani Muslims. I want them to have at least a passing familiarity with our culture.
I’ve had a very similar experience to you in some ways. Grew up a tomboy and still am in some ways, so I have always gotten along better with boys. I work in a male dominated field too, so I simply don’t meet as many girls as I do guys.
I grew up completely isolated from desi’s really, my husband was literally my first Pakistani friend and I met him when I was 20 years, so I can relate to getting along with non desi’s better as well.
When I first got married, my husband had quite a few Pakistani friends and we would meet as couples. Most of their wives were usually imports from Pakistan and I had a very hard time relating to them on any topic really; there was the cultural differences, my lack of interest in most girly things and I am an introvert so I’m sure my personality had something to do with it too. I would always migrate over to the guys section where they would be talking about politics or sports so I’m sure I looked like the odd one out.
I always felt so miserable in such situations because I would just sit quietly and all the others would be chatting away and being the best of friends. Eventually I think they stopped inviting me to places and because I unfortunately couldn’t build a rapport with them my husband didn’t hang out with them as much either, if he did it would be on an individual basis with just the guys.
Fast forward 5-6 years and I do now have a handful of desi friends where we hang out as couples/families. In reality though I can’t say that I have an amazingly close connection with any of them. The friends I’m still closest to are still non desi, my arab friends from primary and secondary school and Canadian friends from University.
The truth is I do find it very hard to build a connection with people in general. It takes me years to sort of build a relationship and feel comfortable with people. And I think I do tend to be choosy in that I look for people similar to me in interests, and apparently my interests are not that common, hehe.
Again I think part of it has to do with personality too, I’ve seen a lot of girls just meet each other once and it’s like they’re best friends already, they’ll be facebooking each other and complimenting each other, and honestly I just don’t have that kind of effusive personality. I’m a lot more logical and reserved and it takes me more time to open up to people. Once I do though, I’m very talkative and friendly and people usually have a hard time believing I’m the same person.
Since having a kid, I try even harder to make friends. My parents were not very social, and we grew up without any social network other than our own friends. I can’t say that I have a huge problem with that because it also meant that we got to avoid some of the pitfalls of desi community like ‘what will people say’ and do our own thing without having to worry about much interference. But when time came for us all to get married, we literally knew no one in the Pakistani community and it continues to be a struggle to meet people.
All research points to the importance of having a large social support system so I don’t want my son to miss out on that aspect of his life because I just couldn’t push past my own flaws. My goal now is to be open to meeting all sorts of people, even if we don’t have any common interests really, I still try to be friendly and engage people. The one good thing about being an introvert is that I’m a pretty good listener and a lot of people like that about me. There are times when I do wish amongst these friends I had someone who I could really share everything with but maybe that’s just part of my personality. I’m lucky that I have my sister who lives nearby and my husband, so I do a lot of sharing with them.
Hopefully you’re not a lost cause like me. Keep in mind that it takes work to maintain friendships. The people I find who do really well with making friends are those who are open, they don’t mind setting their egos aside and always being the one to make the initial effort to keep in touch, they don’t expect the same level of reciprocity and they’re ok with that. Try to meet as many different kinds of people as you can, you never know, maybe the most unexpected person can lead you to someone who get along with really well. And even in general having a diverse group of friends is important for a person’s overall growth.
Re: I need friends :(
I'm so sorry to hear that. May Allah grant him jannah
my father passed away this yr , everything revolved around him as he wasn't well.. I didn't get time to make friends or go out and share stuff with ... i had a close knit group of univ friends but they all moved away after they got married ..
Re: I need friends :(
I'm so sorry to hear that. May Allah grant him jannah
@Siren thank you