I feel like such a dork even typing this, but I’ve just been so depressed lately. All my life, I’ve felt out of place and it feels like I’ve never truly had any friends. I can’t relate to white people because my religion has some boundaries they don’t understand. And for some reason, I still feel out of place with brown people. My husband tries to help by introducing me to his friend’s wives, but they’re all newly imported from Pakistan and we seem to have nothing in common because I’ve grown up in North America. Half the time I don’t get their jokes or references and they don’t get mine. Makes it really awkward for us.
We moved around a lot when I was a kid and I think I just never learned how to make friends with people. I have had brief “friendships” where I would find something in common with a bunch of people, but I could just never make it last.
I work full time now and even though I have my social anxieties, I’m still a fairly normal functioning adult. I work well with others and talk to the people around me, but I just never want to see them outside of work. I don’t have any people I would consider more than a regular acquiantance, other than my husband and family. The people I used to hang out with in school were more “friends because of proximity” type thing, and we have since lost touch.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me; I can’t seem to connect with people and I fear it’s too late for me to learn how. It’s not that I’m a total introvert. I do enjoy being with people (even if I do need “me time” to relax afterwards). So my question is, how do “normal” people (20-30 years old) meet new people and make friends? More importantly, how do they maintain these friendships?
Re: I need friends :(
TLDR; Socially inept girl needs advice on how to make friends because she never learned how
Re: I need friends :(
Last poster posted looking for advice, I gave it to her and that set her off. Are you really looking for advice as people always swarm me. I can help you.
Re: I need friends :(
Lay it on me. I have a thick skin (sometimes)
Re: I need friends :(
Last poster posted looking for advice, I gave it to her and that set her off. Are you really looking for advice as people always swarm me. I can help you.
Or maybe you didn't understand the problem so your advice wasn't appropriate. Ever think about that?
Re: I need friends :(
I am mentoring my assistants to create instant bonding, create a great impression and elicit positive feelings, we communicate verbally, through our posture, body language, hand gestures, how we dress and walk. Speed of delivery of words, loudness, tone all matter. Smiles are amazing. People like good listeners and not talkers. Listen attentively, show interest in them, nod, smile ask questions. Find commonality and interests. You can be part of volunteer groups and organisations. You can make workout buddies, people to go on walks with etc. I like to be witty and use humor.
I don't make friends with desis and mostly do volunteering and will not waste my time with people who cant positively contribute to my life and enrich it. You are an average of four people closest to you so make friends with people who will elevate you and not drag you down.
Re: I need friends :(
You remind me of me. I never made friends, they happened. And some happened and hurt me a lot, some I just got along with so well that I know them from years now. This is called life. There is no secret formula for perfection. Every person goes through life, friendships and relationships differently. Don't be depressed love!
Re: I need friends :(
good advice from brother Alireza, be a good 'listener' because the person in front of you wants to be heard as well.
Re: I need friends :(
I am mentoring my assistants to create instant bonding, create a great impression and elicit positive feelings, we communicate verbally, through our posture, body language, hand gestures, how we dress and walk. Speed of delivery of words, loudness, tone all matter. Smiles are amazing. People like good listeners and not talkers. Listen attentively, show interest in them, nod, smile ask questions. Find commonality and interests. You can be part of volunteer groups and organisations. You can make workout buddies, people to go on walks with etc. I like to be witty and use humor.
I don't make friends with desis and mostly do volunteering and will not waste my time with people who cant positively contribute to my life and enrich it. You are an average of four people closest to you so make friends with people who will elevate you and not drag you down.
I have sort of tried this. Like I'd meet people at a party anf I feel like we really hit it off, exchange contact info, etc. But then life gets in the way and if I let too much time lapse, I start having doubts and second guessing everything. When this happens, I just don't really try any anymore. I start thinking that if they wanted to be friends with me, they would have reached out. I have too many self doubts.
Re: I need friends :(
You remind me of me. I never made friends, they happened. And some happened and hurt me a lot, some I just got along with so well that I know them from years now. This is called life. There is no secret formula for perfection. Every person goes through life, friendships and relationships differently. Don't be depressed love!
It's not about perfection. It's about companionship outside of your family. I wish I had close friends I could share my feelings with. But I'm a really private person and don't open up to people too often.
Re: I need friends :(
@Siren i'm sorry but i couldn't ascertain whether you are looking for a male or a female companionship.
you said, "if the other person wanted friendship with me he/she would've reached out to you"...well, what if he/she is thinking the same way you did...i.e. you should've reached out.
Re: I need friends :(
@Siren i'm sorry but i couldn't ascertain whether you are looking for a male or a female companionship.
you said, "if the other person wanted friendship with me he/she would've reached out to you"...well, what if he/she is thinking the same way you did...i.e. you should've reached out.
Definitely female companionship. I've always been more comfortable talking to guys than girls. I was a tomboy as a kid and my degree and even my career is in a male dominated industry. It's just based on my upbringing I can't let myself get too close to a male friend. I've seen it lead to complications and I'd rather just avoid the whole thing. Now female friendship is practically an unknown to me and I'd like to understand it. I've never had a female best friend and that makes me feel like a total oddity. What can I do to break out of my shell? You're probably right about the other person thinking the same thing as me, but that never occurs to me at the time. It think I just have too many self doubts and no confidence when it comes to taking the first step.
Re: I need friends :(
Me too. I need friends. I just moved provinces. I think you and I are i same vcountry. Pm me. If we are in same city maybe we can hang our.
Re: I need friends :(
I have sort of tried this. Like I'd meet people at a party anf I feel like we really hit it off, exchange contact info, etc. But then life gets in the way and if I let too much time lapse, I start having doubts and second guessing everything. When this happens, I just don't really try any anymore. I start thinking that if they wanted to be friends with me, they would have reached out. I have too many self doubts.
My wife does this and my assistants do this also and I mentor them to not make assumptions and just have open communication. Example one of her friend said sth over the phone and she thought it was meant to be a slight and I told her to not make that assumption but ask her that hey Anjum when you said this, I felt a touch hurt, did you mean to be hurtful? I don't let things happen, I make goals about what I mean to achieve from that interaction and make them happen. Things don't just happen you gotta make them happen.
Re: I need friends :(
This one example I remembered reading about. Two friends would go to parties and both would graciously thank the host and one would always get invited back and the other one not so much. One would make the conversation about himself by saying how he enjoyed himself. The popular one would make it about the host be telling them how great a host they were.
Desis are stingy about giving compliments and thrive in validation. If you gave them compliments and validations they would never have enough of you.
I used to elaborately tell the hosts how great cooks they were and bhai sahib is so lucky and how beautiful their house is and chubster is such a cute boy..lol...people would line up to invite us. 90 percent people didn't bring gifts when invited, we would always bring a little gift and offer to help clean up.
Re: I need friends :(
I have sort of tried this. Like I'd meet people at a party anf I feel like we really hit it off, exchange contact info, etc. But then life gets in the way and if I let too much time lapse, I start having doubts and second guessing everything. When this happens, I just don't really try any anymore. I start thinking that if they wanted to be friends with me, they would have reached out. I have too many self doubts.
Sorry, I have too much to share as I train people in this stuff, If my goal at the party was to befriend the person, once I exchanged contact info I would ask them if it would be okay if I called them next Monday or Tuesday and maybe we could arrange to meet for tea. Fear of rejection limits our potential. The more you get rejected the more you grow as it shows you are trying. Fortune favors the brave. Put yourself out there.
I am not sure where you live. I recently started joining all female desi groups through meetup.com. I have met some really wonderful people.
You can start finding friends through local mosque or by joining by some type of activity. Remember, even making one friend will introduce you to other people.
Re: I need friends :(
First things first, get out of this online world of yours.
Re: I need friends :(
I don't think it helps that you find issues with the options you mentioned - makes me think if that's a wider problem.
I, like you, was a tomboy growing up and also studied and worked in a completely male dominated environment. We also moved every 2 years until I started high school. I have some great friendships (with guys) made during university but I also have very close and solid female friendships made throughout my 20's. My friends from school are just acquaintances now. I would say that you need to be an open-minded person - don't assume things about people until you get to know them, don't write them off straight away. You also need to be easy going to an extent and try to find common ground. You might not become best buddies but friendships are to an extent, sharing different things with different people.
I really don't think you should rule out non-muslims, they can be understanding and accepting of the differences and you may well find you have lots of other stuff in common. Same goes from the recently moved from Pakistan - what's stopping you trying to understand their culture a bit more and help them understand American culture?
And maintaining friendships does take some work, give and take and not letting one's ego get in the way.
Re: I need friends :(
I have lived in three different states and the majority of people bring gifts when invited for the first time by the host.'
This one example I remembered reading about. Two friends would go to parties and both would graciously thank the host and one would always get invited back and the other one not so much. One would make the conversation about himself by saying how he enjoyed himself. The popular one would make it about the host be telling them how great a host they were.
Desis are stingy about giving compliments and thrive in validation. If you gave them compliments and validations they would never have enough of you.
I used to elaborately tell the hosts how great cooks they were and bhai sahib is so lucky and how beautiful their house is and chubster is such a cute boy..lol...people would line up to invite us. **90 percent people didn't bring gifts when invited, we would always bring a little gift and offer to help clean up.
**