I need advice for a friend..

Lifestyle Relationships
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I’ve known my friend since I was born. Our families have been family friends for just over two decades. My cousins father has been an amazing father. He has spoilt her and she’s simply always gotten what she’s wanted. I think its fair to say that she was his favourite out of his 4 children. Now my friend is 21 years old and her dad is around 55. We recently found out that he’s been having an affair with a white woman who has also got children from a previous marriage. As you can probably guess we are in complete and utter shock. My mate assumed her parents would be together forever and she’s gutted about how all this is affecting her mother. Its been a few months since this all blew up and since then she has not been speaking to her father at all. She lives in the same house as him but avoids him like the plague. Her relatives are telling her to forgive her father because he’s done so much for her in the past but she feels throughout the last year her relationship with her father has become very strained and he doesn’t trust her at all. Her eldest brother has forgiven her dad and he claims that theres nothing wrong with what he’s doing as long as he’s providing for the family. I have to admit I was extremely disgusted at first when this all came to light but now I’m confused. My friends relatives have been telling me to tell my friend to take it easy on her dad since he’s ill but I’m not sure what to do. I respected her father soooo much and its hurt me so much what he’s done to his wife so I can’t even begin to understand the pain and hurt my friend must be going through. The matter would have ended here but recently her dad came to my house and I have to admit he looked terrible and it actually brought tears to my eyes. Now I’m confused a part of me wants to tell my friend to atleast be on speaking terms with him…What do you lot think?:confused:

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

I understand what he has done is wrong but really everyone makes mistakes. He cheated on his wife, not his kids. It must be very hard to coop with something like that but you cannot punish someone and throw out all that they have done for you. I'm sure if his daughter did something ridiculously stupid he would've forgiven her. When there is absolutely nothing she can do to change the situation or bring her dad back with her mom then she should let go of the grudges and let the mom dad figure their relationship. All his love for his kids and everything cannot be weighed against his affair with another lady when he has done justice to his children whole heartily.

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

He hits his wife, not his kids. (so the kids won't be bothered by that) He murdered his wife, not his kids. (they should be grateful they were spared). That's an unreasonable way to think considering the dynamics of the relationships within an immediate family. Everything is so connected, that it's hard to isolate offenses or to only confine them some members and not others. In a family...your actions...your gunnahs will have an emotional affect on others.

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

That is just frickin awesome! Hope it doesn't turn into one of those like father like son situations. So, is the eldest bro married? Good luck to his wife, lol. Love the way he thinks. Cuz a marriage and a family is only about fulfilling financial needs...and as long as you're doing that....it will justfiy all other transgressions toward your loved ones. And if he still hasn't married this other woman...the relationship is invalid...so the brother is wrong about that too.

How "ill" is your friend's father? If it's something serious, that maybe THIS point could be used to encourage communication between the two. Gently put forth the suggestion, but I wouldn't pressure her. Sometimes feeling pressured to do something you're not ready for can matters worse for yourself and others.

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

O yea I was an atheist before my birth coz I havn't seen my mom by that time :D

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

How is the mother handling the news of the affair? Is she still living in the same house as his "wife" and treating him the same as before (ie. still talks to him, goes out with him etc.)? If he's ill....is the mother taking care of him?

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

She had a great bond with her dad, loved and respected him like crazy and now he has shattered her belief. That kind of shock is hard to recover from. I think someone else convincing her or talking to her will not make her regain respect for her dad. This is something she needs to sort out herself. As a friend you should just be there for her when she wants to talk.

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

If my father did that, I would never talk to him. How can you forgive the man who caused so much pain to your mother? He's basically ruined the family structure, and if he cared so much about his children, he would have thought twice before he went and hooked up with a random woman.

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

You're not Dubaiwali are you? Just checking.

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

Is the mother by any chance considering divorce?

Islam does allow for that.

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

Your friend should forgive her dad. Everyone makes mistakes. Although I don't understand why the brother thinks that its okay for the dad to have an affair, I do think that the girl should forgive the dad and specially when he realizes his mistake and won't ever repeat it again. Your friend should see how the mother is handling the situation.

I know a couple who was in the same situation.... maybe not an affair but the guy "tried cheating" and got caught. The wife didn't tell anyone and prayed to Allah to forgive his sin. It was hush hush thing. The guy asked the wife to forgive him and she did and now they are very very happy. The guy is so grateful to the wife. She has earned more respect for being there with him when he really needed her. When he made a mistake he could never imagine he would. I think a lot depends on how serious the affair is. Your friend should forgive her dad and move on.

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

tell the girl to get her mom a divorce and stay away from that cruel person who happen to father her.......

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

I think you're being insensitive.

To the OP:

You need to sit both down and speak to them together. Parents are human and they make mistakes too. What he did is NOT excusable AT ALL. But considering he is her father and he is ill...it has to be resolved. She cannot spend her life ignoring him. He isn't her friend or neighbor. He is her dad and she owes it to him to at least try and get past this. Its done...it cannot be undone.

How is the father's treatment with the mom? Where is the mom in all this drama? You haven't mentioned her at all. She might be feeling betrayed for her mother. If he made peace with mom, its possible she might also forgive him.

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

He has a heart problem and his recent test reports come dodgy but he's not filled anyone in to the extent of his illness. I spoke to my own dad recently and he claimed he's very ill but he just doesn't want his family to know.
He treats his wife alright I guess he supports her financially and all but is that enough?
My friends mum is still with him but obviously their relationship has changed majorly. She still loves him I suppose and always will but she's finding it hard to forgive. She's still looking after his every need like she always has done such as cooking, cleaning and making sure he has all his medication on time but she's now suffering from depression and she has her good days and bad days. However my friends mother is going Pakistan tomorrow for 6 months... :/ I guess she needs some time to get her head together. I feel terrible for her she's had a hard life and she's been a perfect wife, mother, aunt, grandma and etc.

As for those of you who are asking about his elder son yes he is married and he's very happily married to my aunt. I don't understand why he believes his mother should "just get over it".
I personally believe I'd find it very difficult to forgive the person if I was in this situation but they have been married for over 30 years...

I just want to know how my friend should be acting towards her dad now her mothers going away...He will be looked after by his daughter in law but I personally think this situation affects him a lot since he's always had a good relationship with his kids & now they seem to avoid him all the time..

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

^Does your friend know that her father is really ill? If not, then she needs to be told and then encourage her to talk to him. The affair was concealed from her for a long time and hiding a serious illness may be like another blow. Tell her that she doesn't have jump into that same flow of conversation they had prior to to finding out about the dad's affair. But take baby steps...start off with the salam...a how are you...and then slowly from there it can branch out. They "feel/dynamics" of the conversation will not be the same as it used to be and may not be that way for a while...but start small.

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

I think she knows deep down but just isn’t willing to think about it. She’s finding it hard to not take sides especially because her mother is alone here and doesn’t have any family or support network such as brothers & sisters to help her and guide her. However her dad has all his family surrounding him and believe it or not there all taking his side. :confused: I find it strange how women can say to another woman that it doesn’t matter your husband cheats on you just be grateful he comes home to you every night.. What sort of twisted thinking is that? :confused:

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

I think her dad's family made it worst for mother and daughter. If they had condemned her dad, supported her mother, it would have been somewhat easier for them to forgive him. Now as you said, she can see her mother is alone, I think her reaction is more to protect her mother. She really wants to show that her mother is not alone. I don't know what to tell her but I have my sympathies with her. I hope and pray they are able to forgive her father and unite as family again. ameen

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

The problem is that she’s not willing to think about it…but it needs to be brought up by someone. She can’t just think that not discussing her dad’s illness will make it not exist. Her mother is the most hurt out of all parties…and even she hasn’t cut off all ties with her husband…she still shows him consideration and maybe this point can be brought up with your friend. You don’t have to love someone to respect them…to show them some consideration/courtesty/say the salam/ask after their health/ask about there day…and this is her dad we’re talking about. Maybe you can tell her that “Okay, if you’re not ready for forgive your father and be close to him, that’s fine…but out of humanity, out of the bond you share with him and all that he’s done for you, at least maintain some amount of communication.” I get that she’s not willing to think about certian things…but unless the matter is discussed with her…it’s not gonna go anywhere. Maybe you could use the example that even her mom …knowing that her husband is sick…would still have some empathy toward him and not break ties. I get that the mom is hurt…but instead of ONLY focusing on the mom’s pain…why not bring about the positive examples of mom’s behavior toward her husband/family in all this mess as motivation?

As for the twisted thinking…I guess maybe some of those women feel that they’re not able to survive in society without a husband (like being financially independent)…so they feel that it’s better to tolerate an unfaitfhul husband than to do completely without.

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

Did the OP mentioned any abuse? Every situation is different, you cannot compare someone who is abusive, to someone who has done his best to fulfill his responsiblites happily. Yes it is hard for the family members but there should be an extend to how much children should be involved in their parents relationship right? I was not praising what the father did FYI.

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Re: I need advice for a friend..

Nobody here is praising the father. And yes, I know that the OP hasn’t mentioned abuse. :smack: I was using it as an analogy to your comment that “he cheated on his wife and not his kids.” It’s these 9 words that just sound so “off.” It doesn’t matter that he didn’t cheat on the kids…they’re still affected…they feel cheated because they have a bond with their mother…if she’s hurt, it hurts them as well. It’s sort of like saying…your brother does drugs…but he’s not giving it to anybody else in his family. Doesn’t matter…everyone is affected anyways. You missed the gist of it and took the analogy literally.