I haven’t been here in a long time. Since last time here, I had my third daughter, we moved to the San Francisco Peninsula area and I was diagnosed with MS. My youngest was 11 months when I was diagnosed. I had to abruptly wean her from breastfeeding because of the strong medication I was given. But I’m thankful that I had all my kids before my diagnosis and that Mariam was able to tolerate cow’s milk at that point. Just before my diagnosis, I had been running around like a headless chicken. With 3 young kids, one of them in school half day at that point, I was getting very little sleep and constantly on my feet. My days were all about cleaning, cooking, getting groceries, carrying the baby all the time, loads of laundry and numerous other tasks that go unnoticed. I have no family here and didn’t know anyone since we just moved here. So it was just me. My husband is a cancer surgeon and he was never home.
Around April/May of '07 I felt my right toe was numb and though it was irritating, I had to ignore it since I was too busy running around. A couple weeks later my whole right foot was numb and still I just thought I don’t have time for this now. I probably needed a pedicure since I hadn’t had one in over 5 years. Another couple weeks and we had a heatwave. Suddenly both of my legs up to my knee were numb and day by day numbness reached up to my hips. At that point I mentioned it to my husband and he at first was too busy and said he didn’t know what it was. He had people dying of cancer, so I dealt with it myself. I was still carrying the baby, the groceries, running to this and that, cleaning etc with numb legs. It started to become difficult to walk. I was having tremendous fatigue around 3pm-5pm. A few times, I just let myself lay on the carpet as my kids played around me and I actually passed out. My husband and my in-laws kept saying I had a pinched nerve in my back. And I didn’t believe that since I had no back pain. I started getting terrible head-aches, tight jaws, tight legs and spasms. I also started to lose my memory, I forgot the most simple things and couldn’t focus. The ability to multitask and organize that was so vital to my daily life was gone.
As the heatwave subsided, the numbness lessened. But then I lost my eye sight in my right eye. At that point my husband took me to the E.R. and I was given the works. I had all the eye tests, MRIs. And I was officially diagnosed. My family was very worried for me. My mother knew even before my diagnosis that it was MS because I have a cousin who has it. Also because my brother is a physician who treats MS patients. My mom begged me to hire help to atleast clean or do laundry. But somehow I just didn’t feel I should. Something my mil said, " I just don’t want anyone else to raise my grandkids." made me feel so terrible. I vowed then that I’d show everyone that I can do it alone. I don’t need anyone’s help. Now I’m doing daily injections of Copaxone. And I haven’t once shed a tear or felt sorry for myself. My diagnosis was more of a relief to just know what was going on. Everybody has issues to deal with. I know this isn’t going to kill me. So I just have to manage it properly.
The last thing I want is to become a burden to anyone. Thank God my MS is relatively mild and I can walk fine and it may even, Inshallah, go into remission. I can’t help but feel that my husband was worried about how my MS was going to negatively affect his life. He started freaking and saying we might have to move out of state to be closer to family, etc, etc. So now it’s like I have everyone around me waiting for me to fail. And I’m the only one who believes I’ll be ok. I don’t want to show any weakness. Even through all of this I’ve been stoic and positive. I still feel my husband thinks I’m actually very weak. We don’t really talk about MS now and really haven’t very much anyways. He’s not there when I give myself injections every night. And he hasn’t once even mentioned getting any hired help in cleaning the house. So I just go on and live my life. I just have to deal with MS myself. The thing about the disease and its symptoms is that it’s hidden. Nobody else can feel the fatigue, or the body pain, the numbness. So I don’t expect anyone else to really understand. I just remind myself everyday of what I’m thankful for. And I am thankful for my husband too. He just doesn’t know how to deal with me. I don’t want to be another source of stress in his life.
I must say, you are a very very brave lady saimanyc. And please don’t mind, but your husband sounds like a very insensitive man. He is a cancer surgeon, well that’s really good, but he’s not there when you need him the most. Times are rough for you, and he should have been your support system, your backbone. But, he is not! If he can’t physically be there, atleast he could you some help.
But anyways..as long as you have positive thoughts, rest is secondary. May Allah grant you full recovery and may you be able to enjoy life to its fullest all over again. You will be in my prayers. for you.
It's usual for sumone that loves u to experience what u're husband is going thru. Mashallah he's really nice to be caring for u the way he is and for being so concerned about u and wanting to make everything easier for u =)
Inshallah, Allah will help u thru this..remain as strong as u are and I on behalf of majority of the members on GS can say we all will pray for u!
So sorry for your diagnosis. I know you must be hurting coping all alone. Its difficult enough looking after 3 kids, but with pain and medication etc ...you are truly a strong woman. But please dont be too strong. Ask for help where you can. I'm sorry I have to say this...but your husband being a specialist, he should have taken you to a doctor much earlier...not ignored your symptoms. Also he does not have the right attitude...he looks after so many strangers...he should be there for you. Take it easy and take care of yourself...you are not a failure...and will never be one!
^ Actually gina, he's doing the opposite gina. He's not showing much concern or offering any help.
Anyway, saimanyc, You are handling this very maturely and extremely bravely. However, you should scrap the idea your mil put in your head about "someone else raising my grandkids". What a stupid woman. You are raising your kids on your own. Even your own husband isn't there most of the time. And since he is not taking the initiative to hire house help for you, you should go ahead and do it yourself. Hire someone for cleaning, laundry -- the works and spend all your energy and time with your kids.
I think being a cancer surgeon, being close to terminally ill and/or dying people, your husband (like many doctors) has become insensitive. It's almost a job requirement actually. Sadly, it's become a part of who he is and he brings it back home -- when he does come home.
Stay healthy and do hire help. Your husband won't have any issues with you doing that. Clearly, you can afford it as well.
Omg Saima
so this is the reason you have been away.... gosh u really ARE a strong person. I can't imagine anyone dealing with it the way you have described.
Why do you have to listen to what others have to say. Why not hire some help. MS is no joke!!!
Omg Saima!!!! I used to read your posts regulrary....Im your secret admirer who loves the way are and handle things!
I can't believe your going this!! :( I wish i could take away your pain...i had tears reading ur posts :(
Ill pray for yu n will ask other to do so aswell....your one strong n positive woman...n inshallah jo log acha sochte hien unke sath humesha acha hota hai..
I am really sorry to hear what you went through. I must say you are very very brave and you have handeled everything very well. I cannot imagine having 3 small kids and going through all this by myself. I have gotten really bad body pains due to stress and sometimes not able to breath and chest pains...some recently....and I know exactly how other people cannot see or feel that, you just have to deal with it.
honestly, you should get help- whatever you need, whenever you need. your MIL obviously doesn't get the severity of the situation and her extremely stupid comment shows it.
MS is not a minor thing- Alhamdulillah you have a minor form of it, but more than anything, the fact that you have it so minor and that it can go into remission- well those are the reasons why you should be focusing really hard on getting better, and resting up, and take your meds and most importantly, making the most of this life that you have.
mA you have three little girls who rely on you and i'm sure you want to see them grow up and have their own lives and be a part of that. if you drive yourself so hard now and don't even give yourself a break, is that even going to happen? i'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you really need to stop this whole self-sacrificing thinking, and put yourself first. your hubby as a surgeon should know better and should be much more supportive- and if moving closer to family is what you need, then that should be your first priority AND his. does he not care about your health at all? you're so lucky that during the times you were home alone with your girls and you passed out that nothing happened to them. clearly you need someone with you, to help you out, and to help take care of them, and to give you time to take care of yourself. there is no shame in this.
so please, for the sake of your mental, emotional and physical health and well being, and for the sake of your future self and your little girls, get some help. hire a maid. they don't need to "raise your kids", but if they came and cleaned the house once a week and maybe cooked a little bit too, it would give you some free time to take it easy or spend it having fun with your girls.
Saima: I must admit reading this thread was not the most exciting thing but I must give you props for staying strong on your grounds even after being diagnosed with horrific MS. My heartily prayers for you and your heart that may Allah make the time easy on you, AmeeN.
With that, like YP said since your husband himself a doc then there is a slight possiblity that he is too insensitive to such diseases. But that might not necessarily means he wouldn’t care about how u r coping with the disease. Some ppl not tend to say much in such matters because they r in too much of a shock.
You are a strong woman but really you need to let your husband know how you feel about all of this. By talking to him you will not be causing any stress in his life, he is your husband and I believe husband and wife share their pains together. I really don’t know what else to say .. just hope u stay strong and may Allah make it easier on you, AmeeN
I am not going to bash your MIL or say she's a bad person. She may have her own reasons to say what she said. But sometimes you just have to ignore somethings and choose what's best for you. So yeah, hire some help. Because technically, the maid will be doing the house chores, and you will be the one raising your kids.. no one should have a problem with that, right?
I would agree with SGC that please talk to your husband and do hire someone. It will not take away your strength, infact you'll have some time for yourself to recuperate. You are a mother of 3 yourself and you surely can make decisions that mostly suits you. Talk to your MIL ..hope she understands that how serious MS is.
May Allah give you complete recovery from MS , Ameen.
Please do not try to be a super woman specially when you can afford to hire help then why not ?
Your MIL is not the one who has to deal with MS , three kids and a husband who is too busy , You are the one who has to deal with all that and you know what suits your situation. If your MIL does not want strangers to raise your kids then she should move in with you and help you out. But I would not advise that either looking at her attitude toward you .
I also suffer from the M.S. I must advise you very very strongly, that you should get some physical help, take as much rest as you think you need at any time. I am a doctor myself, 28 years old, with young family and was diagnosed thisJune. Because of the tremendous fatigue, I had to wave good bye to my work. I can also understand that as for many sufferers, the signs and symptoms of this illness are such that one appears to be in absolutely good appearance, despite going through the termoil. It's good that u r getting the treatment, but as ur MS team looking after u might have explained that the relapses are most probably due to happen after physical or emotional stress.
Also, I would like to mention this to all GS readers, that evn though MS is a relatively rare disease in people of Asian origin, as compared to those in UK or so, it would definitely help in diagnosis and treatment, if you all could manage to have a read of what is Multiple Sclerosis. Treatment is available outside Pakistan in the form of Interferons and various other Immicauno suppressants and has been shown to delay the progress of disease into significant disabaility.
Saima, it was painful to read what you went through, I cannot even imagine how hard it must have been for you.
I agree with SGC and everyone else here: You HAVE to get a maid. You don't need any permission from your MIL or explain anything to her. It's your right to get help when you need it. And since when is doing laundry and cleaning a big part of raising kids? If anything, it will help you give MORE time to your kids and you can spend that time doing fun things with them. Nothing is more important than your health.. jaan hai toh jahaan hai.. you need to look after yourself for the sake of your kids.
Saima, in the past you had good things to share about your husband. I hope he is still the same nice person. If he is not giving you teh attention you need, is it because he doesnt care or he doesntw ant to deal with it? In either situation, you need some help. It does not make you a smaller person. Can you have your MIL or your mom come and stay with you guys for a while? I think you need demand attention to yourself and your condition if you arent getting it. YOu are going ot be of no help to yourself or the kids if may Allah forbid you are more sick than you now are.
Abt your MIL's comment, did she say it regarding your condition? If she did i would have gently reminded her that i didnt ask for this to happen to me. IF she said it connection to soomething else and doesnt hint otherwise, maybe she didnt meant it like this?
Saima,your husband is an oncologist. He can well afford a maid. What's the use of having all that money and being away from your family when you can't even get a maid? SGC, YP and all are right,Besides, if you don't tell them, how will they know how you feel?
oh its been a long time since you last posted here...I remember you were expecting your third daughter at that time....hope the girls are all doing good...
You are Mashallah dealing it with utmost courage and strength....and may Allah reward you for that with health...ameen...
But you don't have to prove anything to anyone....hiring some help around the house with chores like cleaning ,laundry etc wont make you a bad mother....you will still be the one raising your kids...as you yourself mentioned that MS is something no one else is able to see and only those suffering from it know what they are going through,so why to put yourself through extra fatigue and work when you can surely get some help....
as far as your husband,unfortunately medical profession makes you insensitive ....and sometimes it is so much that they fail to understand when any loved one is going through some illness...or maybe its hard for him to accept it...its natural to be in denial when something happens out of the ordinary and unexpectedly....
you said you guys don't talk about the MS ....its ok,you want to take control of it and not the MS taking control of your lives....but talk to him,talk about getting some hired help...
May Allah bless you with health and make things easy for you and your family...ameen...:)
for you.