Saima, i admire you, i respect you…so please dont take this the wrong way when i say this, but you are not a martyr! you have three young daughters to raise; if you dont feel well to take care of things, there’s no need to force yourself just to show others that you can. theres no shame in asking for help. I’m not going to judge your husband or MIL… like others said, hire someone to take care of the household duties. Mashallah you guys are in a position to do so, others are not so lucky, take advantage of what God has given you… I hope things get better for you, you’re strong and have a good head on your shoulders…take care of yourself
It’s so good to see you back, and look how many people remember you from back in the day! hugs
What I get from your post is, the lack of emotional support from your husband mainly …Him being a doctor, and a lot of them like him develop a thick skin if you will, to emotionally deal or not deal with things like this since they see it on a day to day basis in their work lives and practice. Maybe he is also emotionally having a difficult time dealing with this hence, he does not say much about it…perhaps he doesn’t want to show any signs of weakness because he sees how stoic you are? Perhaps you should also reach out to him to let him know how you really feel, its okay to feel mentally strong to deal with all the emotions, but it’s also okay to get help…getting help doesn’t necessarily show that you are weak. Please communicate with him, perhaps he needs to be told that you need to talk about what you are going through, as well the fact that you aren’t the same person that you were before MS, and hence you do need that bit of help around the house. And please do not feel guilty about what your mother in law said…you masha’Allah are a grown woman, a good wife, and a good mother…and you know your body best, and you already know that you need a little bit of help around the house, and I do not think what your mil said should preclude you getting that extra hand around the house. You will not be a bad mother for it and I know you know that. So let people be and please please focus on yourself right now.
And I wondered where you had dissapeared to! Welcome back and I’m glad you shared about your health condition with us, perhaps it will make you feel a little lighter and better if nothing else. I really respect you for going through what you’re going through. I remember your posts about your hubby and you seem like a person who thinks positively. I hope you’ll stay strong, inshAllah but you should also express your feelings to your hubby, he might be a nice person but like everyone else said, him being tough has alot to do with his job. Well I hope he supports you and helps you recover soon. And please please DO hire help. There NOTHING wrong with it trust me. Even mothers who dont have any disease hire help because with THREE little kids workload muplies tenfold so go ahead and do whatever that makes you comfortable, I’m sure money is not an issue for your family. Good luck!!
Saima, I have no words to describe how I feel right now. Im disappointed and irritated with your husband for not making your health a priority. You're his WIFE, his primary responsibility is his family and taking care of them. His priorities are a tad out of line here, his job as a cancer surgeon is to make sure he provides for his family first. Allah swt has a system in place to ensure the needs of the wife do not go unnoticed in our busy and everyday life.
You have a HUGE heart to do everything you do and not even complain, Mashallah. And Allah swt is watching all of this. But, hasnt he also made it our responsibility to take care of the body he has given us? Hire some help or unload some responsiblities to other members of the household. This is not you being selfish. Its to make sure you can be an active and able mother for as long as possible, Inshallah. Your children are very young and need you to be in the best shape possible. This is necessary, you've got a long life to live and lots of memories to make, Inshallah!
Two things I have learned in life:
No one can help you until you help yourself.
Allah swt doesnt give us more than we can handle.
HE will help you through this. Just take the first step. :)
sorry i have seen someone go through dealing with cancer with her husband expecting her to manage a career and be friggin martha stewart at home at the same time, some sense had to be knocked into him for him to get a clue.
I believe your husband needs the same, and tell your mother in law that scrubbing toilets and washing clothes is not teh same as raising kids, as a matter of fact if you have help u will be able to give more quality time to yoru kids.
Your strength and courage is commendable Saima. May Allah grant you shifa e kaamila.
I agree with everyone else here in that you need to be smart about this and not feel any hesitation or embarrassment in getting help around the house. You need it, and like X2 said, it'll help you spend more quality time with your family.
saima ( i still remember u , no not b/c of yr posts but cuzz of yr pretty face , in pictures u once posted here) i really don't have to use the words be brave or be patient as u're already one , mashaallah , but don't expect or wait for others to offer u help instead ask one as u & yr kids needs a helping hand , lessen yr burden , as it will help u deal with yr recovery & well being in a better way.
Thank you everyone for your advise and words of encouragement. And thank you for remembering me. I guess I came here to sob on someone's shoulder. But venting some frustration made me feel better. I have to clarify that I'm not angry at my husband. We don't have any problems or quarrels. I truly love him and respect him. But I see that his demanding career is taking a toll on him. He is so physically and emotionally worn out when he comes home that I don't want to be another source of stress for him. I know he wants to just block out the outside world and watch football or play with the kids. He wants to have the meals I cook for him and live in a perfect bubble. I'm sure most husbands want that utopia. So I don't let him know how I'm really feeling.
He's told me that as I kept developing symptoms he started to go into denial. He didn't want to believe that it could be MS. He has a hard time dealing with this stuff. So whatever his issue is, I just let it be. I just have to take care of whatever needs to be done. And I know my mil does love me and she is worried. She tends to jump to conclusions. She automatically thought I'd be in a wheelchair and the kids would suffer. Everyone around me thought I was going to rapidly deteriorate and I was reassuring everyone that I'm ok. So anyways, they've all chilled out a bit now. I didn't mean to make my family sound mean or cruel. In the early days of my diagnosis, there was some panic and everyone dealt with things in their own ways. I just needed someone to tell me I'd be ok. Instead I got everyone expressing their love through fear.
my huband is a surgeon too and i know the nature of his job has changed him too..he is used to dealing with people in pain when it’s all blood around them and their vital organs are injured/affected..so, same has been his attitude towards people in his life and me..rest of the issues, he doesnst feel like taking seriously.. i totally understand what your husband might feel and even if you deny that you are happy with his attitude whatever it is, is s clear from your post that you feel that too..
anyways.. really am impresssed at ur way of dealing with the situation and truly respect you for that . May Allah give ou more strength to pass through this phase bravely . Aamin
I also suffer from the M.S. I must advise you very very strongly, that you should get some physical help, take as much rest as you think you need at any time. I am a doctor myself, 28 years old, with young family and was diagnosed this June. Because of the tremendous fatigue, I had to wave good bye to my work. I can also understand that as for many sufferers, the signs and symptoms of this illness are such that one appears to be in absolutely good appearance, despite going through the termoil. It's good that u r getting the treatment, but as ur MS team looking after u might have explained that the relapses are most probably due to happen after physical or emotional stress.
Also, I would like to mention this to all GS readers, that evn though MS is a relatively rare disease in people of Asian origin, as compared to those in UK or so, it would definitely help in diagnosis and treatment, if you all could manage to have a read of what is Multiple Sclerosis. Treatment is available outside Pakistan in the form of Interferons and various other Immicauno suppressants and has been shown to delay the progress of disease into significant disabaility.
And ofcourse, do remember us in your prayers
aqm, I'm sorry for your diagnosis. Your right that rest is important. I try not to push myself too hard. Thanks for the advise. I hope you're doing well. And I'll remember you in my prayers.
saimanyc,
I'm not surprised to know your family's behaviour. Desis tend to be VERY paranoid and irrational when it comes to health problems which I will never understand why. Even if someone has a small health condition, people make it seem like it's something very serious. A couple months back I told my MIL that I'm losing hair a lot and she immediately started panicking and told me that I'm probably anemic and have hormonal disbalance. Desis can be so irrational it's not even funny. I totally understand your situation!! I hope your family members believe in you to be completely recovered soon!!
Saima, I was so sorry to read of your diagnosis and troubles. You are handling it so very well. And in a way, I can understand a little about your hubby being in denial. INshallah he will come to accept it and be more forthcoming with support and assistance for you. You NEED to take very good care of yourself so that you stay in remission!
Something that could be of great help to you is Social Security Disability. They provide financial assistance, physical assistance etc. You can get a handicapped parking sticker, transport to appointments, home health aides etc. These things can surely help you maintain a lower level of stress and exertion.
And once your husband and MIL see that the GOV'T is helping you, it may help wake them up to the fact that your MS is a reality that must be handled.
Hi Saima, I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. It is okay to feel sorry for yourself once in a while, you’re only human. You really should get help. I’m sure you can afford it. Just go ahead and do it to ease some pressure off yourself.
Family can be so strange around illness sometimes, I know.
I pray for your complete shifa.
I'm really sorry to read about everything you have been dealing with. You are such a strong person Mashallah and I hope that Allah continues to give you strength and patience and makes things easier for you.
Saima, So sorry to hear about your illness. May Allah swt give you better health and long life. I just can't imagine what you went through. Indeed you are strong woman and InshAllah everything will be ok.
aqm, Hope things will work out for you too.
Saima and AQM, rest and take care of yourself for your family specailly for your kids.
May Allah help you recover soon..and take care of your family. I think you need to hire a maid..so you get more time to rest and do other things..as you have three young kids. Please take care of you. Sometimes men suck big time..! You need to think whats best for you..! Your kids need you more then anyone..!
