I hate my father

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: I hate my father

What a hoorrible situation to be in! how old r u and can u and ur siblings work to make things going for the family?

My dad isnt good with finance either and despite working hard in Europe for 40+ years, he still lives in rental appartment, owns no car or other such commodity, didnt pay for any of his daughters' weddings. (My mum only saved huge amount for their only son's extravagant wedding!!!) and has loans, tax bills and other stuff going on. He even mortaged my sister's appartment without consulting her a few years back which means that she cant sell her house before he has paid his loan off which will take a few years.

Despite all this I dont have any grudge towards my dad. I believe that Allah wrote our Rizq. I started working besides my studies in a young age and it really made me very independent. I paid for my own wedding (every tiny detail was paid by me!), me and my husband paid for our furniture as I didnt get any single item - small nor big - when we bought our place. My mother took my salamis cuz it was her 'lein dein' with people so we didnt even get the money gifts ppl gave at our wedding. Still, here I am today. all independent and proud that I made it myself without anyone's help. Instead I borrowed quiet a large sum to my dad so he could pay his loan off but he spent most of it paying his other bills that he hadnt paid for a while. I am not expecting that money back from him as I still belive that he did work hard his life but due to not having a plan and not getting any support or advice from family around him he just isnt capable of doing it. if he in addition need to stress fo paying back money to me as well he will not be able to rest in this old age.

My point is that you dont need your dad to provide for you. make a budget for the household and see how much you all need to earn to make it going. work besides the studies if u r student and make things going yourself. make sure u do all the paper work needed to avoid that noone takes any loan on ur name!!

try to figure out how much money ur dad needs to pay back and make him understand that he needs to have a plan to do so. if he doesnt listen, let him do what he does but make sure ur mum and u guys are not obliged to pay it back after him....

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Re: I hate my father

Hey tweety pie...

here is as suggestion,

The loans that are on your name you need to contact the loan provider and explain the situation the loans cannot be taken without your consent.

Also where are you based?

If your dad has been officially declared bankrupt no official body will give him money.

In regards to his debt, they are not your problem. Sit him down and tell him what an idiot he is , has your mother considered leaving him? ( I know she probably wont!) but its worth talking all this out with your mum.

If your in the UK, contacting a debt agency to consolidate all your fathers debt to work out how much he owns is a must, clearing your name of his loans taken fraudulently is a must too. How will YOU ever get a mortgage or a job if they did a credit check your score will be beyond LOW.

Again your fathers debt is due to his own stupidity, you should get his mental health assessed ( no joke seriously) if he is suffering from something, you can save your lives by blaming the illness on his debt and it can be cleared.

There are many options, but you need to get mum on side and sort out their lives. It is not fair on you to work and provide and make up for your fathers moronic behaviour. If it were a one off fine, but this is a constant thing with him, your still young and enititled to live your life, you need not PAY for your fathers bad business sense and his selfishness you will be left with no clothes on your body and he probably will not care.

ACT NOW, before your siblings suffer and ruin their lives too.

43

Re: I hate my father

tweety, other users have much more clearly explained how your future will be seriously affected if this mess isn't sorted out.

sarab gave some helpful advice about how you can protect yourself from now on. to add to that, the credit reference agencies that the banks etc use are usually Experion or Equifax.
However, there may be costs associated with doing so. You can get a basic credit check quite easily for a few pounds and it will inform you of everything that exists in your name. But for ongoing protection, you may need to pay a monthly fee.
I will look into finding if there are any free services for people in your situation. At least where you can get proper advice.

My main concern for you though is removing association with the past loans. I'm sure that for this you will need to prove that they were taken without your consent and knowlegde and that is going to difficult whilst you remain in the situation you are in. Hence the comments in the first few posts that really sorting out this mess will require yourself, your mum and your siblings to take some more drastic action.

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Re: I hate my father

tweety_pie,
Sorry for your situation. These are the links to the three credit agencies:

Equifax
Callcredit
Experian

You will need to write to all three of them about putting a password on your file, as Sarab said above. Just a simple letter which contains your full name, address, date of birth, and the password you would like. The password gets put in a ‘Notice of Correction’, and any credit application which doesn’t state that password will get refused.

My advice, based solely on the information in your post;
Confronting your father doesn’t seem to be working, so don’t waste your energy on it.
Be practical.
You need to know if and for how long you can stay financially afloat. Join heads with your mother; list your expenditure, be as exact as possible. Figure out what expenses need to be paid when - some bills are monthly, some are every quarter.
List all income, everything from earnings, benefits, child tax credits, don’t forget anything. If the total income does not cover expenditures, then see where cuts can be made - are there expenses you can live without? Be brutal. Think about how income can be increased, can you do more hours at work? Can your mother?
If the family income does cover the expenses, then how much is left over? That’s the amount you can afford to pay back to creditors. Most creditors are willing to set up a payment plan, you just have to stick to it. Be aware of the interest they charge, also they place a charge on your account for every letter they send out for missed payments. For people from the community, be honest with them; let them know how long it’s going to take you pay them back, ask if they’re willing to accept instalments.

The housing situation. Stay in contact with the council, continuously highlight the young age of your siblings. Take your mother to your GP, tell them about the stress the family is under and how it’s affecting you all, ask them if they’d be willing to write to the council on your behalf. GP will also be able to help advise you on how to get help for your father, if you decide to go down that route.

No one ever does. Don’t let it get to you. Think of it as fortune whittling away all the crap people in your life.
I know you’re young, and it’s unfair to have to be dealing with all of this but you have no choice. I also understand that this is not just an event, that it has become a way of life, and so it’s tempting to just bury your head in the sand and hope it all goes away. That’s what your father has done. Please don’t do the same thing, be proactive.

Other places that may or may not be useful;
Citizens Advice Bureau
Ashiana
The Muslim Women’s Helpline:
0181 9048193
0181 9086715

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Re: I hate my father

^:k:

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Re: I hate my father

.

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Re: I hate my father

Oh she is based in the UK!!!

Tweety Pie, Ashiana are very very good! My aunty had to stay in their hostel for 3/4 months , as we did not want to risk my uncle locating her ( aunty being my fathers sister, her husband used to beat her ) so we pretended we had not heard of her while legal proceedings and injunctions were being imposed on the uncle.

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Re: I hate my father

Oh my God, do we have the same father???? lol, same situation as you.. its quite depressing and frustrating. My father is a brillant man, but wasted all his potential. He started gamblimg, borrowing money and lying to everyone. We are still close and I love him...but HATE him at the same time. He ruined everything.

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Re: I hate my father

Help him get out of this mess. Be his shoulder and his rock.

Man, I gotta say, I really miss my dad. They do this stupid stuf out of love. Talk to him, and help him with financial planning.

50

Re: I hate my father

Khaan (Post 10) had the most practical solution. Declare personal bankruptcy. Also I agree with several others that advised you to not encourage this abusive behavior. A daily boxing match is no longer to be taken lightly. It is time you father is made to take some responsibility. Do what is right - move away from him. Let him get his act together.

All the cliches about he is your father, you are here because of his are just that - cliches. Take charge of your life.

God willing, your father may one day turn his life around. And your family will hopefully accept him back at that time. Right now, protect yourself and your family - starting now.

All the best.