I hate desi shaddi type events

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21

Trust me...he is not over-reacting!

I have been through similar circumstances at about the same time that Fraud was going through it....and although we were attending totally separate events, the shikway were entirely the same.

Couldn't stay in a hotel.....people would have been offended....but took the yelling for being late cuz had to wait for a shower, etc.

Why are you wearing this? You should be wearing that.

No, that set is too light....wear something heavy, you are married now.

You mean you are gonna wear green on all three days?? Don't you have any other colour outfit? It may be your favourite but we don't want to see you in the same colour at all three events. Think of the photo album!

And at the next event......

Where have you been? We're mad at you cuz you didn't do anything to help with the wedding. We thought you were our closest friends. (Talk about inviting someone to insult them.)

In summary, comments like the ones mentioned in this thread really leave you with a sour taste for such events.

22

Muzna

u sure we were not at the same event

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif

heh

23

I agree Mr. Fraudia. Everytime I visit India any one of the many auntie’s generally get upset because I went to one’s house over another’s. It is not enough that I traveled 10,000 freakin’ miles but I should also have to go to their house? Good grief!

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif

24

Fraud....dude it sounds like we were at the same event....but I guess it just goes to show you that common people will be common....everywhere.

I absolutely despise the restrictions and stipulations that I have to live by because of someone else's "precious izzat". Which upon closer examination would prove to be non-existent anyway.

What is it about this group that makes them such slaves to the opinions of others'? Insecurity? A sense of incompleteness? What is it?

25

[quote]
Originally posted by Muzna:
**I absolutely despise the restrictions and stipulations that I have to live by because of someone else's "precious izzat". Which upon closer examination would prove to be non-existent anyway.

What is it about this group that makes them such slaves to the opinions of others'? Insecurity? A sense of incompleteness? What is it?
**
[/quote]

comon u guys. This is about visiting people and accomodating their demands (as incoherent as they may be) for a day or two at best. We are not running AT&T here.

Its just as wrong to put on a temporary happy face for the sake of 'compromising', and then go out and talk about it so the morning after.

26

No Akif, it is about two things:

  1. Venting. Both of us have spent time that we were otherwise looking forward to in a manner that we didn't enjoy. Anyone would understand our frustrations.

and

  1. About making people aware. If we don't raise a stink about small things like this, our community will never change.
27

Akif

Whats wrong is wrong, whether you let your opinions be known at these events or for the sake of not creating a scene and thus becoming an inconsiderate idiot let things be. We need to be more considerate.

These are situations where you simply can not oblige with unreasonable requests, and defintely not with whims to please people.

28

[QUOTE]
Originally posted by Muzna:
**No Akif, it is about two things:

  1. Venting. Both of us have spent time that we were otherwise looking forward to in a manner that we didn't enjoy. Anyone would understand our frustrations.**

But there is a difference between spending time as an invited guest, and spending time on ur own arranged vacation. If ur own vacation doesnt come out as per ur plans, then we can vent all we want. But if we go over as an invited guest, we cannot expect the host to ensure the individual enjoyment of each and every guest, based on that guest's taste and preference. Its a group effort. The host makes a collective effort, and yes, it may not please everyone.

2. About making people aware. If we don't raise a stink about small things like this, our community will never change.

Muzna...is this an 'evil' of our society needs to be changed? No. This is a matter of individual preference. Bengalis eat daal chawal everyday, and punjabis dont. Should I make a stink about it and try to change them in order to conform to my tastes? No...this is a social trend.....not a social evil.

Our personal preferences are our own problems. If we dont agree with the practices of our relatives, we cant automatically caste them as socially undesirable. We can keep ourselves away from them, yes. But to call such practices as wrong is wrong, in my mind.

I am not saying that the experiences u and Fraudia had were in fact good experiences. Im just saying that if you guys didnt enjoy your stays, that was because your individual wishes did not conform with the individual wishes of your hosts....and that such incidents should be narrated as personal experiences, not social maladies.

29

[quote]
Originally posted by Akif:
** The host makes a collective effort, and yes, it may not please everyone.**

I agree. That's why we didn't cause any disruptions in what the hosts wanted. We simply complied with their requests....however unreaonsonable and inconvenient we might have thought them to be. (This implies that we were polite, courteous and understanding guests.)

No...this is a social trend.....not a social evil.

I disagree. When certain behaviour is inconsiderate, condescending and downright insulting then it is a social evil...because unless objected to, it grows.

Consider this....why would people feel that they can treat us in this manner? Because nobody objects to it (i.e. nobody raises a stink).

Why do people think that they can be 2 hours late to a party? Because everyone has gotten into the habit of waiting for the late-comers.

Although I agree that there are much bigger evils in society, I also believe in addressing the smaller ones.

[/quote]

[This message has been edited by Muzna (edited July 25, 2001).]

30

Originally posted by Akif:

But if we go over as an invited guest, we cannot expect the host to ensure the individual enjoyment of each and every guest, based on that guest’s taste and preference. Its a group effort. The host makes a collective effort, and yes, it may not please everyone.

Akif, how would my preferwnce to stay in a hotel because I really needed to work (yes even over a weekend, its 2001) be a burden on the host…and we are not even talking about the host now. We are talking about the assorted people we know who wanted people to stay with them.

I assume that expecting that they would leave their land line open for my use all morning just so I can hook up to the network and do some work would be an unfair burden. Would I be bothered to stay in a hotel and not be among the festivities if I did not have work, no. But is that even the point. If people make their own arrangements per their convenience how could that be considered as being inconsiderate.

So, being inconsiderate is renting a car so I dont have to be picked up or dropped off to places I need to be, or renting a hotel so I can work there without hogging someone’s home like? i beg to differ.

My issue with this whole case was that people I dont even know..the aunty ji’s pals start getting on my case and calling my very valid reason an excuse to not stay there due to oonchi naak etc.

Should I make a stink about it and try to change them in order to conform to my tastes? No…this is a social trend…not a social evil.

By your definition even if it a social trend, I dnt like it. I can complain about it and I can discuss it with others who are like minded or have dealt with these experiences and how.

Making a “stink” about it would be to just tell the bi jamlo incorporated to get the hell off my case and to back de heck up etc, which did not take place

**Our personal preferences are our own problems. **

And other’s personal preferences are their problem, I would not impose on anyone with my personal preferences, and I dont want anyone to impose upon mine.

But to call such practices as wrong is wrong, in my mind.

If I feel a practice or attitude is wrong, i can call it wrong

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif

31

Even if we find some of our relatives' comments/views/requests objectionable, the fact remains that our culture has much more caring attitude than the Western Culture. Would you prefer that your aunties and uncles didn't give a **** about where you stayed or what you did? Or if they didn't give a hoot about what you look like in the wedding pictures? What if they were too involved within their own lives to even care that you existed? I am sure then you would have enough of a personal space, don't you think?

32

Fraudia Pir:

My experience with my 'rishtay daars' has been quite the opposite..take my ma-in-law for instance. She lives by herself in a huge big house (too big for my liking) and on the rare occasions that my husband and I get invited to her place, we have to leave the premises by 9:00PM at the latest, or risk being kicked out. Ab mere sonay ka waqt ho gaya hai beta..ab app log apne ghar jao. I was shocked when I heard her say this the first time (I'm used to her idiosyncrasies now). She hates to cook, so we almost always end up eating pizza hut pizza whenever we visit her. The rest of the family are not so bad, but they never encourage anyone to stay with them..'aap hotel mein ziada comfortable feel karenge' they say (how do THEY know what I find comfortable or otherwise). As for my 'Poshaks' and how I look in them..they couldn't care less. My ma-in-law thinks I look ugly in whatever I wear..so what does it matter. She thinks my taste in jewllery is lousy, so it is better that I don't wear it. She likes the traditional Hydrabadi 'lacha and karan phool'..and I feel like a decked up christmas tree when I'm wearing those. In a way I am glad that she doesn't pay me attention, and I am not obliged to please her. The only time I got to stay with relatives (while I was in England for a family wedding)I simply loved it. So enjoy the attention you're getting while it lasts. It may not take much for your beloved aunties to develop attitudes like my ma-in-law's..phir guzray waqt ko yaad karenge. In the mean time meri duaa hai keh allah meri saas sahiba kop aap ki auntion jaisa bana de..waisay to allah ta'ala ke liye koi kaam mushkil nahin hai, lekin my ma-in-law may be a hard nut to crack. However, I haven't lost hope...yet.

So loong..

Anti.

33

Dopey

U missed the obvious point that none of this hoopla is from well-intentioned people. Its from people who just need to talk about something and someone constantly, and we see such people at all events. Did the person getting married have an issue, or her parents or anyone directly involved? no.. it was the assorted sarrota weilding paan chewing buddhis who are only rolled out of their houses at such events and they take out the brunt of their boring lives on anyone and everyone surrounding the event who would not oblige to each of their whims.

34

Fraudiyay, ab choonkay tumhari umar bhi nahi reh gaee shaadi bihah par bachiyaan tarnay kee to iss liyay tumhein desi shaddi type events abh achay nahi lagtay.

35

roman uncle

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif

you are forgetting you are older than me. umer toh tumhari bhi naheen rahee magar tharkee panay say tum toh baaz aa jao. oops sorry ..tum banday tarrtay ho

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif

36

Fraudia baita, aap bhi ghalib kee tarah boht chichoray ho.

37

Antidote,

Your comments reminded me of the time you were in London…wasn’t too long ago but your absence from Gupshup makes it feel like it’s been ages.

I’m quite surprised to read about your mother in law. I don’t believe I have ever come across anyone like that…especially not from the generation that I assume she belongs to…my mom’s.

I don’t think that I would be stretching the truth if I said that there are probably many women that would love to trade places with you…so enjoy it.

http://www3.pak.org/gupshup/smilies/smile.gif

38

Antidote

I am surprised to hear that. Its these sort of extremes that are worrisome. I mean people should be hospitable but if others don’t take them up on their offer it should not be viewed as personal bay-izzati or lack of respect.

I don’t like undue takkalluf, and feel much better in bay-takkalluf atmosphere. 

What some people did not get in this post was that I was not upset at the insistence of some people for me to stay at their place, but the inconsiderate bystanders who openly doubted my reasons for opting for a hotel room instead. I barely even knew these ladies… why on earth would they want to poke their noses in someone else’s matters and pass their judgement like that. Its that aspect that I don’t like in our events.

Btw good to see you back, you have been missing in action.

39

I just dont get it!! What's up w/ aunties and their dressing instructions hain?? Who are you and whyare you telling me what to wear and what not to?? Aunties to aunties, ab to uncles bhii baaz nahii aatay.

For e.g. on our recent trip to London to attend a wedding, one of my hubby's uncles told me that t/ shoes I was wearing were too "dull", not shinny enough to go w/ my outfit!! WHAT?? I wanted to tell him that I didn't wanna dress up like an overmadeup doll like his wife and kids, but politely informed him that this is what I wore w/ t/ particular outfit, and didn't wanna "overdo" it. Also, reminded him of t/ fact that I didn't carry my whole wardrobe w/ me across t/ Atlantic! He did inform me that I looked nice, but my shoes were too dull for t/ occassion and my outfit and that I should borrow a pair of golden sandals from sum1. No Thank you

I have noticed that not only aunties but also t/ unmarried girls living in t/ UK and USA do overdress a lot and thopofy a lot of makeup and jewellery. Even most married ladies in Pakistan (@least in Karachi) don't wear such "bhaari" clothes, jewllery and makeup!

40

[quote]
Originally posted by Fraudz:
*What some people did not get in this post was that I was not upset at the insistence of some people for me to stay at their place, but the inconsiderate bystanders who openly doubted my reasons for opting for a hotel room instead.
*
[/quote]

Here is my only bone of contention that I have maintained since the beginning. Check the topic of ur thread. "desi shadi type events', and the other one.."desi gift giving formulas'.

  1. If indeed the hosts/bystanders were inhostpitable and unaccommodating according to ur definitions, then ok. This particular family is such....not the whole desi community.
  2. Not everyone in your shoes would regard your hosts attitude as undesirable...so again, it was your own personal experience that was bad...not something that was the result of a 'desi event', the stress being on 'desi'.

The bottom line is.....we have goras to type caste desis in their least favorite roles. It hurts to see our own people indulging in the same attitude, berating everything under the sun that 'desis' do. And its not limited to folks who have migrated out of 'desistan', or were born outside. Its a growing trend amongst our resident desis as well. And its sad.