For a while now I’ve been hating the desi culture. The way many desis cling to the culture so tightly even at the expense of their children’s happiness and their well being is just disturbing.
I thought perhaps it’s just me and my thinking due to which I’ve ended up hating it. At times I feel so helpless and divided not having a clue how to deal with things that I’m faced with on a regular basis. At one end, I want to do what I think is correct and would be in the best of my interest, whereas at the other I have to think about others such as the family, relatives, and the desi society at large (us desis are champions when it comes to spreading the word and backbiting).
At times I feel the education that our elders have embraced themselves with and spent so much money on was worthless. It didn’t change them and it didn’t make them any better. In many cases their way of thinking and implementing things is the same as of those who are perhaps less educated or attained no formal education.
I kept this to myself and only shared it with a few friends. However, I’m beginning to realize that I’m not the only one who thinks as such. There are many others out there who are complaining of the same. Our issues and problems may not be identical, but the whole cultural baggage that our elders enforce upon us is sometimes a little too much of what we’re capable of carrying.
It’s very difficult to juggle between your own priorities and those of others and somehow striking a balance.
Are we supposed to succumb to the overbearing culture and parents or are we supposed to take charge of our own lives even if it means making those who highly value the culture unhappy?
Re: I figured I'm not the only one who thinks as such
I thought perhaps it's just me and my thinking due to which I've ended up hating it. At times I feel so helpless and divided not having a clue how to deal with things that I'm faced with on a regular basis. At one end, I want to do what I think is correct and would be in the best of my interest, whereas at the other I have to think about others such as the family, relatives, and the desi society at large (us desis are champions when it comes to spreading the word and backbiting).
At times I feel the education that our elders have embraced themselves with and spent so much money on was worthless. It didn't change them and it didn't make them any better. In many cases their way of thinking and implementing things is the same as of those who are perhaps less educated or attained no formal education.
I kept this to myself and only shared it with a few friends. However, I'm beginning to realize that I'm not the only one who thinks as such. There are many others out there who are complaining of the same. Our issues and problems may not be identical, but the whole cultural baggage that our elders enforce upon us is sometimes a little too much of what we're capable of carrying.
It's very difficult to juggle between your own priorities and those of others and somehow striking a balance.
Are we supposed to succumb to the overbearing culture and parents or are we supposed to take charge of our own lives even if it means making those who highly value the culture unhappy?
I'm not sure if this has anything to do with what you're referring to, but from what I understand, I'll say we should only follow culture as long as it doesn't go against our deen. We should try to live our lives according to our deen rather than by culture.
One example I can think of is all the things happen at the time of marriage, which imitate hindu culture. Things like the man's family demanding a list of things they want from the girl's family, bride's sisters and friends demanding money from the groom etc. We should work on getting rid of these types of things.
Re: I figured I'm not the only one who thinks as such
Can you be more specific about the things that you do not agree with? I'm quite sure that you have legitimate issues but if a family is reasonable, educated and take the interests of their children to heart and have the ability to LISTEN to them then there should not be such major issues. It seems to me (remember I am an un-initiated "gori") that the culture is just beautiful, that parents choose a rishta for their kid that they will be able to love and live a long and happy life with....i tend to color that with rose-colored glasses I guess because I SO want to be able to participate in the choosing of rishtas for my boys. IF they are willing to LET me participate though. Is it only this arranged marriage thing or is there more? Are you able to direct the marriage thing or you get cornered into it?
Re: I figured I'm not the only one who thinks as such
No Sadiyah, we have to make changes and stand up to our parents. Don't get me wrong, they have the best intentions for us, and based on culture and tradition they feel they make the correct decisions. Often times though, their views are a bit naive because they don't really know about the realities of today - it really is upto us to inform them, and not fall into the same traps and mistakes our parents made. That's how we progress, and we have to progress as desi youth!!
Re: I figured I'm not the only one who thinks as such
desi culture is what's holding muslims back, all this talk of establishing muslim states, when Islam in the eyes of most 'muslims' comes second to culture & traditions. Becus of culture there's no unity, if we had unity who could touch us, if Islam was practised in so called 'muslim countries' no other nation could even try and justify any attack on our countries and would even admire those countries. In the west, 2 generation from now, almost all desi culture will be wiped out, as for back home???????
Re: I figured I'm not the only one who thinks as such
Mamaof3, marriage is one and school is another. Then there's how you gotta be superficial and maintain a certain status and pretend to be something that you're not. What you can do, cannot do, where you can go, cannot go, pretty much everything. The way people stare at you, talk about you, and the list goes on.
catty, doing things our way, especially when we know we are likely correct is anything, but easy. It means breaking many hearts, causing pain and agony to those who mean the most to us. The whole battling it out for what you want isn't easy. It gets very stressful and overbearing.
chacha khan, I don't think desi culture would be wiped that easily or fast in the west. Yes, in many instances it is a hindrance. We often like to pick and choose what we like from Islam so long as it doesn't clash with our desi culture, the minute it does, we dump the Islamic beliefs and values and continue on with the culture.
Re: I figured I'm not the only one who thinks as such
I totally agree with you. I don't think I've been practicing "culture" lately (well, if ever). And its come to a point that I'm so disgusted with desi behavior, that I just keep my distance from desis in general. If anyone even shows a sign of ill behavior that is typical of desis, I just stop communicating with them. I'm sick of it, and I don't have the time for it.
They're really not going to change. People only change their behavior when they realize its a problem.
Common cultural problems:
Backbiting
Inhibiting from education (you'd think this is a problem that only girls face, but I find that many Pakistani boys are being pushed to find shortcuts to earning money, even if that means not pursuing ilm).
Did I mention backbiting?
Judging other people because they don't talk like you or dress like you (hijab is a major example. If you find that you can't treat me decently because I don't wear a hijab, then you have major psychological issues).
Mistreating single women. I have found that after a female gets engaged/married, she is treated with more respect. Probably because guys know that she's now "hands off" material? I don't know and I don't care. If a girl is single, you behave appropriately as if she was your sister.
Parents holding their kids back from harmless social events. I'm sorry, but going to a party is not haraam.
Did I already mention Backbiting. Let me re-emphasize. Backbiting.
The whole marriage expectations for a female. I'm not going to be your maasi, I'm going to marry a son in your family. Get over yourselves.
This perception that women are predominantly baby-making machines. If that's all we were, we wouldn't come programmed with a mind. God would have just created us as a body with a womb.
Women are not meant for sex only. If we were, all of us would be created smokin' hot. And most of us were not. That really ought to tell you something.
Re: I figured I'm not the only one who thinks as such
Dang, your elders must be a pretty nasty bunch for you to hate culture so bad. I think my parents and grandparents (Pro-Pakistanis) were the most liberal and broad-minded parents anyone could ever ask for. And whats with back-biting? That cant be culture...it would be more like a personal habit or something but not certainly not culture?
Pakistani culture is the culture in which my parents and their parents became what they are, and it is also the culture in which I became what I am. In a way, I am Pakistani culture.
Re: I figured I'm not the only one who thinks as such
No, my parents are great. They're the total opposite of what I've described. I've seen this nonsense with my own two eyes with other families. And rarely do I come across Pakistani people as open-minded as our family.
Re: I figured I'm not the only one who thinks as such
catty, doing things our way, especially when we know we are likely correct is anything, but easy. It means breaking many hearts, causing pain and agony to those who mean the most to us. The whole battling it out for what you want isn't easy. It gets very stressful and overbearing.
chacha khan, I don't think desi culture would be wiped that easily or fast in the west. Yes, in many instances it is a hindrance. We often like to pick and choose what we like from Islam so long as it doesn't clash with our desi culture, the minute it does, we dump the Islamic beliefs and values and continue on with the culture.
Ofcourse you have to wait till you are CAN make decisions on ur won, i mean u have the resources to do so.
The biggest problem in desi culture is "Lack of communication". People do not think that its important to listen and understand others. If they do , they'll be much less happy.
Re: I figured I'm not the only one who thinks as such
"4. Judging other people because they don't talk like you or dress like you (hijab is a major example. If you find that you can't treat me decently because I don't wear a hijab, then you have major psychological issues)."
are you serious? i feel more alienated by wearing hijab than vice-versa...in pakistan it is regarded as some kind of "old women thing".
maybe you had quite the opposite experience sis. :)
hijab was the most breaking through i could do...stupid superficiality of our culture or any culture rather. alhamdullilah
Re: I figured I’m not the only one who thinks as such
Sadiyah how dare you, you ungrateful whiny brat. Don’t you know desis are the best ppl, and our culture is better than any gora/hindu culture? Rotten ABCDs like you make me hate ABCDs.. Quit whining and acting like you’re an angel caught in the corridors of hell.
Re: I figured I’m not the only one who thinks as such
Sometimse its not our own elders but ppl in general, relatives n friends n mil nay walay… i know its easy to say as long as our elders are suportive, we shudn’t care, but society DOES play a factor to some xtent.. Most desi parents are not the “we dont give a fK” type, all are affectd with the “what will ppl think?” to SOME xtent..
As per ur backbiting argument, it IS a serious thing in our society.. we view telling someone the truth to their face rude and mean.. my dad gave me a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong lecture, stating rishtas are all very important, so when u c them, u hav to behave the best way, even if u are uncomfortable n it interferes wiht ur plans, coz its imp to make someone feel important n welcome guest.. even if it is false, and the goodbye conversation goes somethin like "Khudafiz, phir ana, bohot maza aya…(under their breath) “bh******”
Re: I figured I’m not the only one who thinks as such
Don’t forget nosiness …“i have every rite to say whatever I want because I am your khala/tayye/parosi/mami’s sister’s cousin”… and yeah hypocrisy..
One aunty came over my house, saw my room n yelled at me coz it was dirty (had a cold, so tissues over the bed) n said I shud keep it clean coz Allah gave me a room.. later on I went to her house, and her sons room is SO DIRTY u cudnt even see the keyboard !!
Another aunty came over to my house (in pak) and siad “oh, so your dad built this based on ur size?” Meanwhile.. shes freakin 300 lbs, n her nck is hidden under 3 chins n it takes her an hour to climb down the stairs
Another time, I was lying in bed coz my head washurting, i had taken some mdicine, had a bukhaar n everthin..i called m cousin to come upstairs lolz and after her came an aunty and her 3 lil kids..she was going through ALLLLLL my things, my cabinets n stuff n the kids were playing with the makeup on my counter..she commented tht it was dirty n i hadnt’ “set” my room yet.. she even sat down on my bed and was opening my markers n marking some loose paper.. !! Dunno what that was about..
Re: I figured I'm not the only one who thinks as such
PCG, I completely agree with the points you've listed and backbiting certainly tops the list.
It's interesting how I've seen people backbiting about people we don't know or are remotely familiar with. It doesn't stop there, as shortly before that or after that there'd be a lecture going on how 'bhai namaz parhni chaheye hai', 'hum to baray achay log hain (in terms of practicing)', and the like.
bbbb, yes, I agree hijabis often get looked down upon and get dirty looks. In Pakistan or those fresh out of Pakistan think you're too jaahil or backwarded to be observing hijab.
Sara516, yes, many love to meddle in others people's affairs as well as I've seen the jhooti bakwas of how good it was and as soon as you step outside you start backbiting about all sorts of things.
Barfee, do you think we should dump the intruding and obnoxious culture, or should we be the good kids and continue giving in to whatever it is that we're demanded?
Re: I figured I’m not the only one who thinks as such
Desi as a CULTURE don’t suck but desi’s MENTALITY sucks!
About hijaab issues, lol I agree how people look at you. They think if u r hijaabi you r the most pious person on this earth and u r not subject to make any kind of mistakes and you r the most humble person on this earth. Well HELLO I think thats wrong b/c I am totally the opposite of how people think. Forget about aunties and uncles, even girls at my age in my school they thought hijabis are suppose to be shy, quiet, minding-their-own-business kind a personality and they like being alone I obviously changed what they thought :halo:
I obviously changed what they thought :halo: