I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

So sorry that you are hurting...

I dont have much experience about in-law issues since I am not married but the one piece of advice that I can give you is to not let the problems you have with your in-laws interfere with the relationship that you have with your husband. Once you let that happen your marriage will start to go downhill.

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

Where did you copy/paste this from?

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

^ what do you mean by that?

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Thanks AE - i think it does affect our relationship and we both know that whenever there is something between us and his parents, our relationship turns sour for a while but Alhumdullilah we bounce back!

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yaar I feel for you...u r in a very difficult position..only one solution comes to my mind...you need to talk with them...first talk to ur hubby...explain him everything..I'm sure he already knows but tell him again...phir u both sit and talk with ur inlaws...don't blame them but just adk them k what r u doing wrong that makes them react the way they do...I know this is not easy to do but u have tried everything else and ignoring them is not helping and ur situation is not getting better...you have to talk tonthem...ask them why they treat u the way they treat u...I hope this help...good luck and I will pray for u...hugsssss

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

I dunno if anyone has mentioned this before or not but when they say "khushiyaN lao gy" usually they mean kids!!!

If you are the first daughter in law and no pregnant right away, you are not so favorite!! Sadly and unfortunately thats how it is!!!

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id say treat the ****** bhudi like dirt. put like salt in her tea instead of sugar. burn her clothes while ironing. do that stuff 2 the bros nad sis 2. just get em!
lol

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Dear Sunset_Eyes,

watever u have written in ur opening thread txt i agree to that, as i faced THE SAME problems as u did!

im working and am a independent mother... there was a time after all that sh*t which i could not take more so i left my hubby and started living with my parents... we were seperated for 2 years!!!

but then as time passed he took a stand and said i want my own family, do watever u like. His mother was like "ab to hum tumhari shakul ko taras jaen gay, pata nahi tum humko yaad b kero gay kay nahi" uffff this is just too much, during the time i was seperated from my husband i was working... i delivered my 2 daughters AND I PAID BOTH THE DELIVERY charges, as he did not pay, coz his mother said, she left the house so no need of spending money on her!!!

i was the one who paid for vaccination, their birth certificates, their passports, their residence visas and their good health! my husband regardless the fact how much i love him, never paid a dime as he was too much brain washed by that sh*t mother of his!!!!!

i cant tell u how hard it was for me the 8 months i stayed with them, if ever i use to speak about his parents, he used to beat me, thrash around the room and physically assault me as well!!! he used to take all my salary and just give me a 100 to spend for the entire month and for that also i had to give him all the hisaab where the 100 i spent.. i used to fuc**in cook for 12 ppl in that house, do the laundry for the entire house and do the claening as well on weekends... yup its absolutely correct that they never liked me working. his mother used to say him "ghar per rahay gi, to sr jhuka ker rahay gi"

its been 3 years to our marrige now! and alhumdollilah i have passed all that nightmare!!!! now i m living with him, as he is a new man, who has only me n his kids to think about... yes he gives his best share to his parents family but does take care of our rights as well!

dont be sad dear, txt me private if u want some personal advice!!!

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Korn666! i feel so sad after reading this. Marriage is scaring me now! its getting closer day by day and im getting scared reading everyone’s views on it! :teary2:

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

tell me about it... iv had minor issues with in laws over petty things (which i now deeply regret) but to be honest it was there fault (im not lying) and during those little misunderstandings i saw a different side to some of them which really really scared me :( esp as i am going to be living with them & i too am having a love marriage- which personally i find makes it twice as hard for the girl as she has to please everyone & get them to like her sigh

going back to u sunset ji... i really really feel for u.. life can be really difficult & the sad thing is that we get married to lead a happy life with the husband but instead all of these family nonsense seems to mess it up...i no its easy to say b patient but that would be my advice, u need to make urself strong, so no crying! tell ur husband EVERYTHING- this is one thing my in laws hate that i tell my fiance everything but my mum always sed that ur husband shud b ur diary & shud b aware of exactly wot is going on in the house wen hes not around- as in laws tend to act very differently infront of the girl sigh agen

i no how hard it can be to confront someone so i would say take ur time, think about exactly wot u wnt to say- cover all areas so u have an answer for anything they throw at u & most importantly do it infront of ur husband, they shud hpfully feel ashamed & control wot they say...

i do dua Allah tala makes life easy for u & for all girls...& i hope soon this mentality of 'having to live with the inlaws- even if it makes ur life hell' changes..ameen

lots of love and duas xxx

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

I am sorry you are going through all this hugs no one deserves to be treated in this, and especially not you who has done nothing to deserve it

I dont really know what I can suggest that might help make things better. But I do know with all my heart that good deeds never go unrewarded. If you are being treated badly and yet you are still treating them well with respect and politeness, then Allah will reward you for this inshallah, have full certainty of this fact. It doesnt make it alright whats happening, but it might help in enduring it all. Remember bad times never last forever, inshallah it will pass and you will have the full happiness and peace of marriage that you deserve

I was also thinking that it will help to move into your own place, but you mentioned already that it is not possible because they rely on you. But if you cannot leave them behind, then maybe you can move into a new house and take them with you? This might make things better, because right now they are thinking this is "their" house and you came to "their" house to live. But if you get a new place and make it "your" place, then things might change a little in regards to them looking down on you

In the meantime, I guess all you can do is continue to be tolerant and try to treat them well even if they are not treating you well. Maybe this will shame them and make them realize the wrongs of their ways. Also I think you should try to confront them, in a polite but firm manner, and ask them what did you ever do to them for them to treat you so bad and see what they have to say?

May Allah make it easy for you and improve the situation and fill your marriage and life with lots of happiness and blessing, Ameen.

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

How about getting a semi-detached kind of a house? Where people live together but are also separate household entities on their own?

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Thanks everyone for your kind replies.

Mrs Shikra - i see what you are saying. I have been talking to my hubby but i cant anymore - i think i will have to take the next step myself - im also fed up of lil snarky comments that they make so n order to stop this i will have to become assertive and take a stand. Most probably, when the time comes i will probably act like a little mouse and just take their krap - saying it is easy but doing it hard!

GTG - I am not their first daughter-in-law. She has another one who is older than me. I get compared to her alot. She is always praising her to everyone. Once it got to a point that i couldnt handle it and i told her that you always compare me to her, and she replied "hum dono aik dusray ko sumujtay hai" - i mean i speak the same language but that was so annoying. Food & cooking wise, anther problem. I am working 4 days a week. SHe has never offered to help me out in anyway - always requesting that i get her stuff. They just take me for granted big time. Nowadays, whenever they ask me a question, i just give them one worded answer and they shut up!

Korn - i am sorry to hear what happened. I am really happy that it has worked out for you mashallah. I guess i should stop complaining and thank God that i have got it this easy but it just affects me mentally!

Ashii - Thats exaactly what i was thinking and looking forward to. Before the wedding, everyone was really sweet and great and i couldnt wait to step into their house as a DIL - but now, i regret even thinking about it. As i said, infront of everyone, its a different story but behind doors, its like yay karo, wo karo, tum yay nahi kerti etc etc...

Midnight - Your post was encouraging. I keep thinking the same that i shouldnt bother with retaliating AT ALL and leave everything to Allah. Its so sad that my MIL is so namaazi mashllah yet still they act like this and can be so mean. I mean they are like buzurg and i respect them but i am even losing that. Alhumdullilah, i read my namaaz and that gives me patience. I know its not gonna be long and i should persevere and it will get better inshallah with time.

DD - there is nothing worry about. Just look forward to your wedding day Inshallah. I hope you have a lovely day. Just spending time with my amazing hubby makes everything better. He knows how to cheer me up and keep me away from all this. He manages to distract me and now i have noticed, whenever i go to the kitchen, he accompanys me there so i dont have to put up their behaviour. I should thank my lucky stars that i havent got it as bad as some of the girls in this world. Getting a house with an extension is good idea but seems out of the question. Mama suggested that too but knowing circumstances, its highly impossible.

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I hope all goes well. But hearing everyone's stories about their in-laws and actually seeing my own cousins go through it really creeps up my nerves nowadays. Maybe its just fear-of-the-unknown type of thing! I really hope things get better at your end, if not at least you get to stay away from these people. It amazes me that how come people of today are such big hypocrites? i mean before the marriage they just cant stop praising the girl, and once the couple gets married they just cant stop torturing the DIL. What would be the big deal if they were nice to their DIL instead of being witches for them!

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I knw by the sounds of it marriage seems like a total hell hole, its better not to get married jeez!!!

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k im no expert here, but all i can say is that as long as you are living in your in-laws house, then this behaviour is all in likely to continue. They're word is law and whats happening here is an issue of authority, where your MIL expects you/anyone to conform to her (perhaps unreasonable) expectations, abide by her rules and play it how they want.

Now thats all good and well seeing as its THEIR house and they've every right to lay down law as owners of the house, however its pure unlucky that they're behaviour is so appalling and uncompromising, that it seems to have got to the point of breaking you down.

I think something you should consider, is if this criticism is directed just at you or in general extended to everyone. i say this because you say your husband is used to it from a young age, your sibling- in- laws seem to have accepted it as normal behaviour to extent that they are exhibiting similiar tendecies, hence maybe its deemed normal behaviour with in your in laws, and as now member of family, it has been extended to you?

If this is the case, rightly or wrongly, it helps to know if its been directed at you not for you being you, but because its just a norm in the family. It helps to know as the latter makes it slightly less personal/painful and a tad easier to tolerate and make a stand.

secondly, it might help to ask your sister in law about her experience living in the house when she first came, because no matter how much they praise her in comparison, it is likely that she went through the same thing, and most probabyl the main factor why they moved out and so quick to hand over responsibility to you guys.

I may be assuming things, but you never know, you might even find a person aside from your husband, who you can confide in and most probably the only person who knows where you're coming from. So dont see her as the competition your in laws are making it out to be, but do one better and get her on your side and your MIL comparison tactics should fall flat on its face when you both know the real facts on the ground.

But as i said, at the end of the day, no matter how much you do for them, it will be seen as thier God given right, and not as your good will, because after all you are living at thier place. Any complaints/talks will be seen as an affront and ungratefulness on your behalf, and will probably worsen the situation.

I think your best bet is to make a stand and get out. You will not be treated as a seprate individual/couple until you do. You say they rely on you, what is it they rely on you for...i am assuming its more financial support than physical care... ?

it is in your and your hubbies best interest to move away a'fore you're broken apart, and no matter how wonderful your relationship with your husband is now, bottling it all up, will eventually take its toll. you need to confide in him directly, and he should be man enough to take it in, and make a stand for your sake, for his mothers sake.

i have much more to say on this, but i think ive said enough considering, i dont know the full details. But whatever you do, just keep in mind, that shari wise, it is not your responsibility to take care of his parents, it is your good will that you are doing so. But dont let it go for granted, not at the cost of your nervous breakdown, nor at the cost of your marraige. So if not for your own sake, for your marriage sake, take up your husbands offer and move out.

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Re: I feel so hurt…i dont know if i can cope anymore…

Hey there Sunset_Eyes. I feel so bad reading what you have to go through daily. I wish I could offer you advice but I’m not experienced at all where marriage/in-laws are concerned as I’m just 16. But I will keep you in my prayers sis, and hope that things get easier for you and you find the happiness your looking for (Insh’Allah) as you would deserve it. Also, just a thought sis, please don’t feel depressed about them, remember that ALLAH is watching & knows how much your going through deep down inside and no matter when/how, YOU will get justice and they will face the consequences of how much they are hurting you. I wish you all the best sis :hugz: x x

Its so colorfulllll
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yea..sunset i think that confronting the mil and siblings in law will jsut create more probs 4 u. theyll just start 2 do it even more. i say get outta there..if its fncl thing then send them some money every month. if its prsnl are prob then hire a nanny/servant person. but u n d ur hsbnd get outtta there!

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Thank you to everyone who gave me lots of helpful advice.

I finally decided to take the stand and question my MIL of what i have done to deserve this. She was shocked but i had to bring it all out. Everything she said in the past was denied. My husband stood up for me later when she complanined about me and he sided me all the time Alhumdullilah.

Now we are going to move out soon inshallah. My prayers have finally been heard Alhumdullilah. A burden has been lifted and now i feel so light.

Yet, why am i feeling guilty for the time that will come when we have to leave his parents behind? Maybe it will ease with time...

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

That's really great - I hope everything works out for you.
It's hard not to feel guilty but you have to focus on the fact that you and your husband also need to create and live your own life together.
Get together with your husband and make sure his parents understand that even though you are moving you will still be there for them. If you're not moving far make an effort to keep coming and visiting them and doing little gestures like brining them food you have cooked. It might be hard in the beginning and your MIL might not appreciate anything you do but if she has a good heart i'm sure that will change over time and she will realise that after leaving you had also would have had the choice to minimise your contact with her and the fact you haven't shows you really care.

Pray for the best and inshallah your relationship will improve with them will improve when you leave - I have seen it happen!

Congratz to KhattiChic on completing 1000 posts
Congratz to KhattiChic on completing 1000 posts