I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

Lifestyle Relationships
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Ok i have a problem and i feel like i need to talk to someone. I would have posted this earlier but i was afraid some people might complain about the number of threads about inlaws. So, if you have nothing to say, please do not write anything - it would only make the situation worse for me. I want to talk to my husband but i feel he’s just gonna get depressed & upset about me and i dont want that. I feel i need to see a counseller on regular basis so i have someone to talk to but i dont know..maybe im just being silly…

I know you guys have read alot about the “inlaws” issue but thats what im gonna talk about…its depressing for me. I cant take it anymore. I dont like facing them! From the beginning they have never been happy with me. I think the fact that my husband fell in love with me and not going with his mum’s choice of girl makes it worse. She wanted someone who is more ghareloo - who would just sit at home, cook clean and bear kids and most importantly tend to their needs and beleive me anything that gets doen upon their wishes still doesnt satisfy them. Aluhumdullilah, i love my husband to bits - i do everything round the house, never complain, do everything my inlaws ask me to do but still they are not satisfied. They pick faults with everything i do. MIL started making comments atleast 6months after the wedding. Once i invited my husband’s best friend + wife for dinner. At the dining table, the wife asked “kaisa laga aap ko naey bahu kay aanay per?” The reply from my MIL was “bus theek hai” - oh that hit me hard. Not only did i cry afterwards but from that day forward ive never been at ease anymore. I have lost respect for my inlaws from that day forward. They have no consideration for my feelings or my parents. They never ring my parents and my family is always ringing them - and now i have told my mum not to bother. They have made so many comments behind my back - thats its unbelievable. She invited her friends for dinner and that evening i had a new haircut done too - she embarrassed me and insulted me infront of them. Its getting to the point that i just want to cry and cry - i just want to let it out but i have got it all bottled up inside - why? Because of my husband…i care too much for his feelings than my own - i dont want him to see me afterwards with my eyes swollen etc…

Another comment was “Hum sumjhay thay kay shaadi kay baad tum iss ghar may khushiyan lao gee” - what the hell do they want me to do? I do everything for them. I have never rejected any of their requests. I know they take me for granted BIG time yet still they make me feel like sh*t. I just dont like handing out with the family at all…i am only putting up with all of this because of my husband. I am not being dis-respectful towards any of them but inside i feel different to the outside. Its very hard to cope. All my husbands siblings have insulted me or my parents at my face and i have never retaliated back. If only i could tell them how i feel to their face, they would probably kick me out the house, which would be good but i WILL not stoop to their level…I go to work and that is the only time i can be away from them and have fresh breath of air…its only when i am on my own, they have the perfect opportunity to complain and nag at me…and start picking on me…

My husband is fed up of some of the behaviour as well and we would love to move out but that just out of the question as we cant leave them on their own…

I’m just so full of hurt..and slowly slowly its getting worse…i just dont know what to do…

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Re: I feel so hurt…i dont know if i can cope anymore…

Aww Sunset, i am so sorry to hear about this behaviour!!! Yaar i know you dont want to bother your husband but dont you think he will be the best listener for you? I am sure he wouldnt want you to hurt like this.

Have you ever talked to the inlaws and see what exactly is that bothers them? Do it respectfully infront of your husband so they cant twist anything. Staying quiet doesnt help anyone, maybe try to see what their point of view is, in all of this. Hope the situation gets a bit better :hugz:

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keep on working ......... best solution for u (enjoy yr time when u're outside , like have lunch or coffee with a friend )


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with khushiyan do they meant kids ?? i assume that u're the first daughter in law in the family in that case most families expect to have grandkids too at home, also such families take more time to adjust at this new addition to family just like it happens with girls who've gotten married into that family

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

if u cant move out tell your hubby to take a stand of your behalf. its his job to get u respect from his family. honey practice saying NO off and on. stop expecting from them in that way u'll save urself from the pain.

get a job if u can. MIL will never change. tell ur hubby that his parents behaviour u can let go for his sake but not any other member of the family.
best of luck.

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

This is just so sad! I do not know why in-laws do this....Shaadi se phele tu they are all praises for you but soon after they start finding faults! I have no personal experience in this but my best friend went though it...Shaadi se phele between engagement and then Nikaah and later Rukhsati period her MIL was all praises for her and she would say herself how lucky she feels...but shaadi key baad my friend kept telling me how her MIL creates tension 24/7 and objects on everything...

Anyway this all is besides the point.

It must be very hurtful for you Sunset_Eyes! I wish I could just tell you to ignore their comments, that is not possible coz being humans no one can be so thick-skined! Ira is right
sulking by your self is not good for you. Bring it out to open, just tell them how their remarks/attitude bothers and hurts you. Ask them the reasons. And do it in your hubby's presence so later they can't twist your words around and make another issue out of it!

:)

Good Luck!

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Hi Sunset_Eyes!

I know you are very sad and hurt. This happens when one does so many things out of the box for others and they don't realize their importance.

You are right, one major reason why she doesn't care for you is that she couldn't select the wife she wanted for her son. Another reason is that mothers are always so protective and loved by their sons that when they miss that attention after the sons get married, they take out that frustration on the daughter-in-law.

It totally gets unbearable! ive seen so many cases, like my very own 2 cousins... they both had love marriages: The first one got married when the groom's bro also got married, there were 2 marriages together. The wife of the elder brother is preferred everywhere in the family as she had an arranged marriage. She is compared with her everywhere .. She is gifted nicer clothes, she doesn't move but is given a royal treatment, issues with kaam-walis they don't let them work in her room and such stupid small scale issues. When they keep going on and on they aggravate so much.

I would just give a few suggestions to you. I know from every post of yours that you love your husband madly. I personally think he would be more hurt to see your eyes all swollen and you all sad. I think no matter how much he will be hurt you should update him. You will be living with him for ever he should know what is going on. if your husband is on your side, no one can do a thing. He should know everything, if in case something goes wrong big time with your in-laws and your hubby doesn't know he might start doubting you too. You should tell him what so ever! If things get out of hand, he would be able to talk to your in-laws.He knows his mother and is closer to her much more than you are to her. Pamper the woman, i mean give her gifts, talk nice about her everywhere, get her everything .. she will realize you are too nice and she shouldn't carry on with her daily taanaz.

Best of luck! keep updating .. Cheer up please:biggthumb

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

Why can you not move out? is your husband the only son? I mean why do you care for them tht much if they have such behaviour with u

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

SE, my heart goes out to you. I know how your feel since I have a similar situation but in my case, its my own mother who is causing the troubles. Like you, I take the abuse with a smile and have never said anything, I just keep on with a smile. Its a horrible situation to be sure. Thank goodness, my mom lives on her own so its only when we visit with her or when she comes to stay with us that I have to put up with it.

It surely helps that I have a supportive hubby and I'm sure that this is the case for you also. It helps to make light of some of the nasty things that go on, I will tell my hubby some of the things and he will make jokes about it and always get me giggling instead of crying.

I dont know what else I can tell you that will help - other than when you deal with difficult elders, you are surely earning a special place in the eyes of God/Allah. INshallah, when WE get old and cranky and nasty, the favors will be returned and OUR loved ones will put up with us with a polite smile!! (btw, I told my hubby that if i EVER turn out to be a nasty, cranky old thing then take me out in the back yard and shoot me lol)

Think of and work toward the day that you and your hubby will be on your own. This will happen one day inshallah.

Or perhaps....if you and your hubby save....a possible option may be to move to a type of house called "mother-daughter" where there is the main house with all amenities (like 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, kitchen etc and another part of the house that has for itself all of the amenities - bedroom, kitchen, separate entrance etc). This type of house is fairly common in USA and if it isnt common where you are, you may be able to have the work done to make it so. This way, your in-laws would be on the same property and in the same house actually but still have very separate living quarters from you.

I wish you peace and serenity....and strength enough to deal.

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

If you do not retaliate how are they going to learn to behave. By retaliation I do not mean that you insult them or talk back to them , by retaliation I mean take some action to tell them like it is. Yes, but how ?
I guess you can write down a letter to each of them in consultation with your husband outlining what they did and what was wrong with it and how you got hurt with that behavior. Then get out of their lives for a few days ,weeks or months to let it all sink in. It is not going to make much of a difference but it will show them their real faces. All of them are not going to change , may be one or two of them might ,not the whole family if the whole family has that kind of grudge against you.
The only real solution is as you mentioned if you and your husband move out of their lives somewhere far from where they live. You say you and your husband cannot move out because they cannot survive on their own , then , it is the best medicine for them. They should know that you and your husband are important to them , they need to realize that and behave accordingly.
Yes do talk to a marriage counselor they have better tricks up their sleeves.
May Allah get you out of your misery , Ameen. Suma Ameen.

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I just dont want to talk to him Ira - he works hard himself and i dont want him to listen to my probs - it will just make it worse for him. I mean he knows what kind of stuff they are saying but i havent told him the extent of it - of how i am feeling. You see, he doesnt get along with his father that well anyway - i mean he’s told me that he has dealt with their nagging since he was young and he is used to that. For me its new and just plain unfair.

i have started replying once in a blue moon infront of hubby but they just twist it around but when hubby is out the room, it comes back out again! Their POV is that i am not doing enough around the house…sigh

Thats the thing hsap - i am enjoying my time AH - but i dont think they like that! By khushiyan, i meant in terms of taking them out all the time, treating them and buy things for them. I just dont get the time to take them all the time as i am working and when i am not working, i am either doing house chores (which bear in mind they are not happy with). Mashallah they have 6 grandkids so they shouldnt have anything to complain about. And they have another DIL who they favour the most - she is the best according to them. Always praising her infront of me…comparing me to them!

I would love to bring it out in the open Choozy, but i just cant. Maybe i will but i dont know if i can do that at the moment. Slowly, i think its having a toll on me that i am retaliating back infront of husband but it comes around to me again when i am alone with them. This is why when i am on my own, i just do whatever i have to do and get out the room!

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Yes i do love him dearly AH but again DD, i cant tell him. He is already stressed from all the other things that is happening around him. It will break him and i think i need to remain strong infront of him. It was only last night, that they commented again that i broke down infront of him and he re-assured me and told me to ignore it. I guess i couldnt hold in me for longer. There is no way that i m going to pamper the woman. Why should i? That would be like begging to me. If that was their attitude from the beginning, why did she not think before she started behaving like this?

Aminas, i cant move out...they rely on us. We and I esp do so much for them, yet they dont appreciate! Hubby is not the only son. He has another brother and he is older. He moved out in 2006. See i had in mind that the eldest son takes care of the parents but its the other way in this family i guess. Even hubby said, they have moved out after looking the parents and now its our turn which i dont mind. I dont mind looking after them but i am just not happy with their behaviour and attitude. There is not enough respect for me in this family.

Thanks Mama - ofcourse my hubby does the same as well. He make jokes out of it and cheers me up but its only temporary isnt it. Its harder when you are living with them and have to deal with it regularly. I even read my namaaz and AH it helps! But the suggestion of living seperately in the same house sounds impossible as that wouldnt be allowed! Trust me!

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Is your husband the only one who had a love marriage among his married siblings? I think that could very well be the reason why they treat you badly. Some families look very much down at love marriages. You've to remember even girls who have arrange marriages end in such troubles with MIL, so in your case its just a tad worse, since you are not even picked by HER.

Some people are plain ungrateful for what others do for them (I think its really good of you to help them in the house, but try not to do everything to teach them a lesson maybe?), I would say you should ignore them, but then again I guess it must be very hard. But def. you shouldnt take abuse from your hubby's siblings, if you are not saying anything to them, they have no right to abuse you or no reason at all to abuse ur parents .. gosh why desis always bring someones parents into it?!? ..

Anywayz, like many said you should tell your husband. I know you feel you will depress him more and he is already "worked" out, but really you should tell him, so he can make arrangements for another house/appartment. In small issues I really think wives shouldnt drag their hubbies into every argument they have with their MIL, but in your case it simply seems so personal and extreme that I think you need to do so. I think if you dont, you might end up with a depression and reading ur previous posts, I've read u are planning for a pregnancy? Def. not good in that state at all ..

Edit: Just read tht your hubby is the younger one ..Well mother happens to be extra attached to the younger sons and actually in my family its a tradition too tht parents live with the youngest son and not the oldest. I really think the problem of your MIL is that she has not picked u .. Maybe u should confront her? Are you able to chitchat with her at all? Tell her abt yourself.. ur likes, family and values? Maybe she will appreciate u more:)

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Thank you for the duas Mirch.
Thats a very good idea. The thing is that sister in laws were evil in the past and i feel like from those experieces and views on me have been scarred in their minds and their attitudes have changed towards me. I know they are putting up a front in front of my husband but its that evil look in their eye that i have to deal with when i am alone in their company. That is why i tend to stay away as much as possible and only meet them in my husband's company. It did get so bad earlier this year that i packed my stuff and moved to mum's place without even telling anyone - not even my husband. In laws pretended to be so concerned but they couldnt care less. When i came back, they just looked down at me and i know that my MIL told her sisters, who looked at me in a bad way - their attitude changed as well. So, i guess i dont want to do that again. Even if i do that, how will i explain that to my parents? That will tear them apart and plus that will become another involved situation. I dont know - i just feel like i am their servant and nothing else. Infront of others, i am their "piyaari" bahu but behind doors, its completely different story.
I dont think i need marriage counsellor, i just need a counsellor who will listen to my probs - Alhumdullilah, relationship between is great. Its only when they are annooyed and take it out on my husband, thats when we have problems between ourselves...and again AH, they get sorted out!

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Yep since you have done it once you can do it again, but with a difference this time. You have to pour your heart out . Also you have to consult your husband and your parent before you write those letters to your in laws. This is a long shot it might work. Or it might have some snages , other Guppies/Guppans can be better judge of this idea. I am just throwing an idea which came to my mind.

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Re: I feel so hurt...i dont know if i can cope anymore...

You can move out. If his parents won't treat you well, give them an ultimatum. It is not your job to care for abusive people. They need to shape up, or leave them to their own devices.

Likewise, your husband needs to speak up for you NOW. If he wants to remain your husband, he has to treat you like a wife. You two are supposed to be clothes for eachother. His relationship with you is far more important than his relationship with his parents. If they can't learn to respect and honor you as a daughterinlaw, they don't deserve any of your help.

If your husband doesn't stand up for you, then he doesn't love you enough. It's as simple as that.

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Thank you for all your advice Mirch. Well if the siblings say something again in the coming months than thats the action i am going to take inshallah.

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I agree with you at some extent MS - he does stand up but they just take it from one ear and out the other. That is why i have coped and bottled it all up inside me. He stands by me and he is best husband i can have Alhumdullilah. He has suggested that we should move out but in my stupidity i said thats a bad idea and cant leave our elderly parents alone!

I think i am just gonna have to talk to them myself in a polite manner and question them of why they are doing this to me. Its about time!

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*Sweet, if she says anything, i think i will have to do this now. I WILL bloody talk to her because i cannot take any more of this now. *

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I wrote this just to make you think once more that could there be anything lacking at your end that you may not have realised? if no then i believe there are 3 solutions:

  1. you and your hubby move out 2.talk over with them 3.talk to your hubby 4.show them a complete cold shoulder, full attitude!
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1 - Impossible
2 - Will try next time
3 - He knows but i dont want to anymore
4 - i do ignore them most of them. If they dont show respect to me, i dont talk to them as much now.