Hey all,
I am mostly a reader here. I hardly contribute. But after reading this space I believe that it might not be harmful to discuss my issue (if it is an issue).
I’m 21 and studying at a very good institute. I’m A+ student. My study life is the only good part of my life! My mother passed away when I was 12. My younger sister was 9 and my older brother was 19. My father re-married about 5 years back. My father loves us too too much. That’s a really good thing. But I’ve been waiting for acceptance by my step-mom. She’s nice and all. The best thing abt her is that she loves my baby sister. She’s a good friend of my brother too. But when it comes to me, everything is one-sided. I mean, it was me who started building a friendly relationship with her but got no response. She’s made it quite clear that she doesn’t really like me. No doubt abt that.
I am just way too alone! My sister is like my child. I practically raised her. She talks to me abt everything. My brother also talks to me abt his stuff. My father is always too busy. My step-mom hardly talks to me (we only greet eachother n that’s it). And I just wish that thr was someone at home who could just listen to me. I talk and someone listens. My sister never listens and she doesn’t even understand my situation. I miss my mother sooooo much. Every girl needs a older woman’s support. Nobody was ever there for me when I was growing up. Nobody told me what to do, what not to do, what to wear, how to do this n that. All my teenage life I lived with my mouth shut coz thr was noone. I’ve been living in my room since mummy died. I never go out. I don’t watch TV. Nobody comes to my room and asks me to come out. I’ve been depressed for too long. Sleeping pills don’t work. It feels like nobody knows I’m also alive. Did my best after mom’s death…u know I used to look after the whole house when I was 12. Just don’t know how to cope up with this emotional disturbance!
U need to make friends.. and u have to get out of this shell of u'res. U're doing no one any harm but urself! U must get out of the house.. speak to people, interact with people and share whatever u want to.
U have a close bond with u're sister.. u should share things with her. How come u've never asked u're step-mom why she's not as close to u as she is with u're siblings?
Locking urself up in a room and taking pills is actually no solution.. u have to gather urself and speak to u're parents. I'm sure things will be sorted-out once u speak to them and voice u're concerns and issues.
hi sister iam really very sorry to read your situation. dont you have any friends?
I bet lots of people are in same boat like you. please get out of your room and try
to mix with people
for some mentor or guide, any khalas, moms friends etc that u have reached out to?
Obviously it was a tragedic loss and it seems to have impacted you enough that I am not sure if this way you can form connections with people. secluding yourself is not the answer.
for all you know your step mom could be wondering somewhere why she does not have a good relationship with you like she has with your siblings.
oh eshal my heart broke when i read your post.i totally agree what other people stated above.stop depending on outside factors like pills etc.instead do something.exercise(its a killer for depression)watch tv since you mention that you dont,surf on internet,even make friends through internet.and last but not the least the best part is tell your parents directly.i cant believe that they dislike you or anything.instead i am sure that they will understand and appreciate that you took them in your confidence and told them what you need to tell.
I, hereby command all the gupshup ladies to be friends with eshaal and be nice to her.
On a serious note, you seem like a sensible person. Fate tested you in some ways, and though you responded well to it, it took its toll. For the sensitive and considerate people, who think about * others * all the time, a sense of contentment vanishes after some time, as they are always expected to behave a certain way, which they do. You need to grasp YOUR LIFE and interests, and if not too drastic, seek what pleases you in the end. Make some friends, take a vacation and enjoy life. Do something random every now and then, and perhaps fall in love with someone who’s equally considerate and respects you. These are just words, and words do not solve problems. It is you who has to take the step. However, if you ever need support, suggestions or words of wisdom, we’ll be here for you.
if I say that I totally understand how u feel than Im wrong.. but im hoping that you'll try and open up here to people.. believe me i've found an amazing circle of friends here.. if you have anything that u'd like to talk about I can surely try my best to help and support.. I do know that during this time in life you must definitely miss your mom and trying to build relationships with people who really dont want anything to do with you or dont like you as much might not be healthy or easy for you..
would there be a possibility that you could make your dad aware about the situation at home.. let him know that you miss your mom and that you'd like your step-mom to give you a little more attention than she does at the moment..
taking sleeping pills is not the solution for depression however meshing with the right kind of people is.. try to get out of your room.. go outside for a walk or even while your at school try and get involved in associations or maybe go to the Musallah where usually sisters get together after prayers to talk and mingle with each other.. dont single urself out or shunn urself just because of what has happened.. im sure u miss your mother alot.. but you have to get up and figure things out.. im sure that wherever she is she wont ever want to see you in distress.. Pray to Allah and insha'Allah everything will be fine..
ill pm you my email addy incase u ever need to talk abt anything.. take care
eshaal: What really happened to you was tragic because you were just 12 when your mom passed away. At that age we are so vulnerable because we are confused with new changes, such as with body development and active socialization. I think even though your dad loves you too much he was unable to "understand and be there for you emotionally". He was a man figure and seems like you two never discussed life after your mom's death.
A child needs a grown up to give them comfort and make sure you talk about death - so you can move on in life thereafter.
Your mom was gone, and you became responsible without knowing your true responsibilities.
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is - go out more where you can find others for more interaction. Here at GS you will find everyone really nice to listen to you about your day in and day out - whatever - and will advise you and be on your side. So you have GS to back you up !!! Now go out and MEET real people. Join clubs, organizations, find a FUN job. Find someone FALL IN LOVE! =)
Forget the issue about you and your step mom. Sometimes it's better to just let it be. If you did not feel the connection within the past five years with her - then just move on. Do not be extra sugar coated sweet to melt her away just so you can find someone to talk to.
So go - shuuuu out of your room and tell us who you met! What changes you brought in for yourself? and let GS be your guiding anchor! People here are really cool.
you know , life is very hard , I grew up alone as well … and know what loneliness is like … things happen in life … we sob and move on … its very very hard … i couldnt make friends for a very long time …
but then dont know how people just kept coming into my life one after the other ! I guess I opened up to them , and they found a way to care for me …and now i have got so many friends i cant seem to get rid of them
if you continue the way you are , you will be used to self pity and thats not good at all .. so shed this sadness , whats happened was the past … open up to people and let them care for you , enjoy their attention and it will slowly bring you back to normal life … inshallah …
Thank you all so much. I really appreciate u all taking time off to reply here. I'll keep on reading your views and I am sure they'll be positive reinforcement to me.
I forgot to mention earlier that I have some of the best friends anyone could have. I'm social in college...I'm popular among peers, friends and professors. I know people like me at my institute. But the 'home situation' is not the same. I'm in good spirits at college but when I go back home...the depressing, loneliness creeps in. I work a lot and very hard for college projects and I participate in almost every event held there so that the work keeps me busy at home too. It usually works as when I'm working at home, I don't think abt other issues.
And I guess, I should stop caring abt what my step-mom thinks or what my family does because nobody can bring mummy back. God, I keep on thinking the times and laughs we could've shared, had she not gone away.
Anyway, thank you all of you for ur love and support. I had a hell of a worst day but after reading ur replies...I guess I'll be able to sleep tonight :)
Losing a parent is so so so saddening, it makes everything else in life seem so insignificant. Sigh.
Anyway, eshaal, are you in Toronto or nearby areas? If you are, let me know. I think we can give friendship a shot here. :)
p.s. without my mother, I too would feel like the loneliest person in the world. :(
Yea absolutely right. Having lost my father, and then nearly losing my mother, I have realized that parents are all that we have. Its sad but true, we all have to go - and they say it is much harder for the parents to lose their children than the other way around. Allah's system is complicated.
Yaaaaaayyyyyy ..... lets all be happy for the good things in life ... and inshallah Allah will give us all strength to deal with the sad aspects of life ....
Thank you all so much. I really appreciate u all taking time off to reply here. I'll keep on reading your views and I am sure they'll be positive reinforcement to me.
I forgot to mention earlier that I have some of the best friends anyone could have. I'm social in college...I'm popular among peers, friends and professors. I know people like me at my institute. But the 'home situation' is not the same. I'm in good spirits at college but when I go back home...the depressing, loneliness creeps in. I work a lot and very hard for college projects and I participate in almost every event held there so that the work keeps me busy at home too. It usually works as when I'm working at home, I don't think abt other issues.
And I guess, I should stop caring abt what my step-mom thinks or what my family does because nobody can bring mummy back. God, I keep on thinking the times and laughs we could've shared, had she not gone away.
Anyway, thank you all of you for ur love and support. I had a hell of a worst day but after reading ur replies...I guess I'll be able to sleep tonight :)
Thank you!
I used to be the exact same way with regards to not wanting to come home. It was that whole ' everybody is getting on with things not caring that shes dead!'
I won't say that 'time' will make it better as it won't but it does become easier to get through. We arent really supposed to 'get over' the death of a parent. We just have to find a way through it.
I cant think of what has helped me, I really can't. I think I moved away from home as I became a little too dependent on friends and extended family, I wanted to know that I could do it on my own and some days it works fine, others it doesn't. There is no right/wrong/fast way that helps you through it.
I wouldn't say give up on your step mother, you sound like you got a decent one. She probably is aware of the fact that you are at an age where a daughter become less of a child and more of a friend to a mother, but does not know how to approach it yet.
my prayers are with you eshaal. I hope things work out with your step mum. About that loneliness, its due to some of the other factors and because of you having lost a parent. I lost my dad at 13, so know how heart-wrenching this situation is day in and day out.
