Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!
I know I sound really bratty...but honestly all of you guys who are born and raised outside of india/pakistan know just how hard it is to communicate with elders who speak in urdu. My urdu is horrible and my in-laws don't speak a word of english. I am literally stumbling over my urdu the whole time they are here. Also, it's just really difficult for me to adjust my lifestyle around them who are clueless about America...and are really backwards...more backwards than my parents and all my aunties and uncles..
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First off, you are not a bad person at all. Your concern about how things are going to be is extended to both parties. You want to communicate but you cannot, it shows a desire to mesh well with the inlaws, but since you feel you can't, you panic. Secondly, they are coming TO america. So even if they are clueless about it, they will learn since they are coming to the country. It would have been worse if you were moving to say Jeddah or Pakistan with your ABCD attitude and lifestyle, THEN it would have been really difficult for them to understand. Living in America, enmeshed in the culture, they will catch on, worry not. Also, a certain amount of adjustment is necessary in all relationships. I am certain you adjusted some for your husband (who seems very loving of you mashallah) and you will adjust more for your kids. We all adjust to some degree for everyone in our lives, even for friends and acquaintances. It will be ok and natural. You are at home base. They are coming to you, you aren't going to THEM. It will be ok.
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They are nice people and have never troubled me but I just cannot bear to live with my in-laws forever!
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They won't be with you forever. That is the thing to remember here. It seems like your husband is taking responsibility for his ***elderly parents. So I am guessing he is the elder son or only son. It stands to reason that realistically of course the younger lot outlives the elder lot, and therefore young people should avail whatever opportunity they can get to spend time with elders. Elders can be a blessing. I am sure your MIL is used to managing her house for years and years and she will be so much of a help to you in housework, freeing your time up for other things. You say they are nice people and never troubled you, give them a chance. I am certain they will bring lots of blessings and joy to your life, and you will adjust so well with them.
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Since there is a culture difference, I am mostly quiet around them, and they just think i'm a quiet person. Which in reality I'm soo not! They don't even know my real personality and they never will because I can't be myself talking in urdu. therefore the closeness is never going to happen because of the language barrier.
**I have many American friends who married Pakistani men. They had an absolute culture/religious/language barrier when they began. But THEY adjusted and so well. The reason you feel they don't know you is possibly because you haven't spent enough time together. Given the hurdles to communication, one month of living together does not cut it. This is a whole new ballpark and perhaps you will finally now achieve what you couldn't achieve in three years of marriage - closeness with inlaws. Simply thanks to the proximity.
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Please don't get me wrong, I am really nice to them when they are here, but I just can't see myself living a lifestyle where I'm living with them speaking in urdu forever, and cooking for them every night, and putting on a front...it's not me! *You won't speak in Urdu forever. You need to help them learn English to adjust into American society. You are so so keen on making sure you are nice to them. You spend so much time with them when they ARE here. It will be ok!!!! As for cooking, believe me, your MIL will take so much off your hands and will totally pamper you guys. After all it is a shift for them too!
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I even dread speaking to them on the phone because my urdu is so bad...I'm really trying to learn but I don't ever see it getting better to a point where i can talk fluently...and the language is not the only barrier. As I said, they will be learning english. Their need is more. They are residing in a country where they need it. And they'll need your help. You will be getting better in Urdu. It's a slow but sure process. You guys will meet in the middle.
I really feel like i'm going to be depressed when they start living with us....I've always imagined having my own house with my husband and kids by ourselves, and I love my life right now, I don't want to change it.
You need to spin this well now. They ARE coming and that is how it is. It can be a blessing or a curse, depending on how you view it. You get free baby sitting for your kids, free religious instruction, lots of love and pampering. You get the gratitude of your husband and even more love when you make an effort with his family. You get dua and blessings from elders as well. It is all a win-win. You are apprehensive because you haven't been in a particular situation. It is ok. You say your inlaws never bothered you before and are nice people essentially. That is a LOT of positivity right there! It will work out wonderfully.
When I get a little preview of it when they come to visit, I absolutely hate it. I spend so much time sitting with them etc, but I feel like I'm living in a jail. I understand they are his parents but I don't know what to do, I don't think I will be able to bear it and "just put up with it" for the rest of my life.
You won't put up with it. You will grow to love it and them! All the best!
I haven't talked to my husband about this, because I'm really scared he's going to think I'm acting like the typical Bahu who says this. There is just no right way for him to understand. But I don't think i'm a bad person for not wanting to live with my in-laws am I? What do I do???
Hope it helps
