I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

Lifestyle Relationships
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hey guys…I know it’s another in-law thread…but i was wondering if you guys could help me out here…I don’t write much on here as you guys can tell…

Okay I am born and raised in the states, and have been married for the past 3 years. Me and my husband have been living alone together, and my in-laws live in Jeddah handling a business. The plan is for them to move in with us in America in a year’s time. My in-laws come and visit us from time to time, but the problem is I really really don’t feel comfortable around them. I know I sound really bratty…but honestly all of you guys who are born and raised outside of india/pakistan know just how hard it is to communicate with elders who speak in urdu. My urdu is horrible and my in-laws don’t speak a word of english. I am literally stumbling over my urdu the whole time they are here. Also, it’s just really difficult for me to adjust my lifestyle around them who are clueless about America…and are really backwards…more backwards than my parents and all my aunties and uncles.. From whatever urdu I understand, I can’t relate to any of their conversations and I’m quiet most of the time… It sounds so bad but I can’t even tolerate it when they are here for a month. They are nice people and have never troubled me but I just cannot bear to live with my in-laws forever!

Since there is a culture difference, I am mostly quiet around them, and they just think i’m a quiet person. Which in reality I’m soo not! They don’t even know my real personality and they never will because I can’t be myself talking in urdu. therefore the closeness is never going to happen because of the language barrier.

yes I am ABCD, and all of you that are ABCD’s probably understand where I’m coming from. We’ve been raised to be independent and our lifestyle is soo different than theirs. I’m not saying just them but I wouldn’t be able to even live with my own parent’s forever in one house. Please don’t get me wrong, I am really nice to them when they are here, but I just can’t see myself living a lifestyle where I’m living with them speaking in urdu forever, and cooking for them every night, and putting on a front…it’s not me! I literally wake up with dread and my heart beats really fast when I think about next year coming up where I have to live with them…

The sad part is that I was 20 when I got married, and my husband had asked me if that would have been a problem before I got married to him, and I said no. But I was 20, and I don’t think any girl would say no to that question in an arranged marriage…but now I really regret it…to the point where I wished I had gone back in time and rejected my husband if I had to live with his parents.

I even dread speaking to them on the phone because my urdu is so bad…I’m really trying to learn but I don’t ever see it getting better to a point where i can talk fluently…and the language is not the only barrier.

I really feel like i’m going to be depressed when they start living with us…I’ve always imagined having my own house with my husband and kids by ourselves, and I love my life right now, I don’t want to change it. When I get a little preview of it when they come to visit, I absolutely hate it. I spend so much time sitting with them etc, but I feel like I’m living in a jail. I understand they are his parents but I don’t know what to do, I don’t think I will be able to bear it and “just put up with it” for the rest of my life.

I haven’t talked to my husband about this, because I’m really scared he’s going to think I’m acting like the typical Bahu who says this. There is just no right way for him to understand. But I don’t think i’m a bad person for not wanting to live with my in-laws am I? What do I do???

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

sell your house, buy two condos in the same building, or a duplex where they live in one house and you live in the other. Close enough but with enough space and privacy and sense of own place for you, as well as for them.

Problem solved.

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

my cousin's wife learned japaneses after she got married to make sure she was part of the conversations taking place at home. my phupho used to live in japan and as a family they spoke japaneses at home.

ofcourse you are acting like a typical bahu, grow up!

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Re: I Don’t Want to Live with My In-Laws!!! Help!

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I can relate to what you’re feeling. Has hubby already told you that his parents will move in with you guys for sure?

As X2 already mentioned, the best solution would be to get 2 townhomes or homes very near each other. That way, you have all the privacy you want but your husband has his parents close by.

On a side note, what is preventing you from improving your Urdu? :confused: Since your husband obviously communicates with his parents, I imagine he’s pretty fluent in it.

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

It's one thing to know the language and another to know it fluently...it's like our parents who learned english but would they be able to speak it forever every day?? no.

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Re: I Don’t Want to Live with My In-Laws!!! Help!

thank you for telling me im not a bad person! Yes hubby has been talking about it…and his parents talk about it all the time as well…they have high expectations about it. The plan is to build one big house and live together.

I am trying really hard to improve my urdu! I really want to as well, i’m motivated…but like I said the language is not the only barrier, it’s also the culture aspect of it as well…

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

well if you want to be part of the conversations taking place, you will have to learn to carry conversations in the language spoken by your inlaws or you will be sulking like this for the rest of your life.

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

language and culture shouldnt be a headache for you....my cousin's wife is russian n she learned english first to communicate while talking with gestures n some common english n urdu words to communicate with her parents inlaw like "table".."khana"....then slowly she learned urdu by asking meanings n ofcourse internet helped!....n now mashaAllah she's so fluent in urdu.....

if you think you cant do it then you will never cross the barrier!

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

Since the plan is to build a new house....then why don't you try to persuade your husband to build 2 small houses next to each other.....instead of 1 big house. Share your concerns about privacy with him and suggest that there be 2 houses next to one another. Please do NOT refer to his parents as "backwards" or any other negative terms. Get your own emotions under control and figure out a way to persuade your husband.

Since your husband is fluent in Urdu, after living with him for 3 years.....your Urdu should be VERY good. Maybe not 100% fluent like a native...but you should be very comfortable with it by now. This is one barrier that you can get rid of easily if you put the effort into it. You wrote it yourself that "closeness" will never happen b/c of the language barrier. So why don't you get rid of this barrier first......get comfortable talking to them. I think this MIGHT make a big difference in how comfortable you feel around them in the future.

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

this matter must be settled between you and your husband. you should tell him in very explicitly that you will NOT live with his parents. period! let him take the matter with his parents and let him find a way out. it's his problem. he may lodge his parents in another dwelling for their comfort and peace as well as yours.

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

You're right...that was mean of me. thanks for pointing that out. frustration got the better of me.

Nope me and my husband communicate in full english. My husband's first language is also english but he is good in urdu but not fluently as well, but better than me, because he grew up talking to his parents. I am learning urdu and my urdu is not as bad as i made it seem like, but like I said it's more of the cultural aspect of it than the urdu part. I'm sure even if they spoke better english I would still have the same problem.

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

Really? Won't I seem like the bad person to his in-laws? Will they understand?

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

Hence.....you and your husband need to start communicating at home in URDU so you become just as good as he is. That's the ONLY way for you to improve yours! If you have friends/relatives who speak it too (I assume your parents speak it fluently).....then ask for their help too. And by "helping" you means that conversations between you and them happen in Urdu.

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

I can relate very well, because my wife speaks very little urdu and is US born and raised, my parents are definitely more traditional than hers, and when we got married she was just about 20. We have made it work and its because she is such an amazing person, willing to balance ideal with pragmatic. I speak english and urdu both, learnt both at the same time growing up, speak english at home and with the kids, communication with parents in in urdu/english mix. dad is urdu or english, mum is urdu only, she only speaks in english with my kids who dont speak urdu but speaks urdu with me and the woman.

depending on your resources you can build a larger house with an in-law section, which can even have its own exit and entry, sitting area and even a kitchenette for chai and snacks, but be part of the same building. If he is an only son or one with primary responsibility, sooner or later you will have to find a solution because as they grow older they will need more help and at that time under one roof or a duplex is much better than any other option. I have seen houses with a guest house connected to the main house by a hallway above the common garage, and through the common garage, and several other options.

when we built our first townhouse the first one had an entire separate section on a separate floor, lounge, bath, bedroom, everything except a kitchen. parents loved it, we however ended up selling it to build a larger place.

In our current house we built an in-law suite which is on one side, master suite which is in the middle and kids rooms which are on another side and a guest room at the 4th side, all connected by a common hallway. They also have their own private den upstairs so they dont have to deal with us if they dont want to. All this with a look to the future where my parents may live with us. My brother has done the same with his house. This will give them their space and privacy, and give everyone enough room to feel at ease but also be able to live in a joint system.

The biggest thing is ability to adapt and understanding responsibilities and obligations. my inlaws are as welcome to stay with us as are my parents when they need, and we have built a room for them for that purpose as well, although one is used as a guest room and one as a play room most of the time since the parents are in their own places in their own cities. They dont really need anything from me, my dad's home is 6 times my place or so but the need is not financial, its company, family etc which becomes more and more important as people age. Yes it is not always easy with others, even your parents around, and it may not be ideal. But its life, and we have to take the pluses and the minuses. Growing up overseas, I spent little time with my grandparents and loved the time they were with us or we were with them.

the woman and I did not discuss any of this when we got married, but as we moved forward we realized that we will have responsibilities later and to plan accordingly.

The question is do you want to make adjustments and find creative ways to make it work, or do you just dont want to deal with it period. If its the latter than the advise anyone has given you is useless, and you should just tell your husband what your feelings are and then go from there. You have to understand that in many cases this just delays the future need for them to be right next door or in the same house, unless they will be in a nursing home later.

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!


the way you sound like a very unhappy soul because of their moving with you guys, it's wise to be blunt once rather than be unhappy for the rest of your life...you gonna be criticized for not letting them stay in your house no matter what...be prepared for that...i think it's better to be bad once than suffer!

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

X2 wrote a great argument. If that isn't enough, try looking at the pros of such an arrangement. Try making a list, I'm sure there are some. For one your kids'll get to learn Urdu, that might not happen otherwise because you guys don't talk in Urdu with each other. Think of more.

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

What X2 said and what the Powerful Saeed reiterated.

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

Very rarely does this in-law situation work out. I would never want to live with my in-laws again. It's such a difficult situation, no privacy and boundaries.

I will never live with my children, it's just not a respectful situation.

Something's got to give.
I agree with some of the other posters live next door or in close proximity but not under one roof.
Children should handle their own parents not the dil. I handle my own and my husband handles his own, there's nothing wrong with that.
When I was living with my inlaws my husband quickly began to notice things about his parents and see a side to them he didn't particularly like. It just complicates relationships and the dil no matter how sincere she is becomes a target and seen as the wedge between child and parent - it's a thankless job!

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

how exactly does one handle his or her own parents from a distance if they have become less independent with aging, especially with the varying options available based on things such as finances. even if the son in law or daughter in law does nothing to help?

I think it has to do with people. I have seen large multi sibling havelis with everyone living in harmony, 3 bedroom flat with a couple, parents and a kid or two doing okay, and I have seen families going through strife with everyone in their own homes in the same city, different cities and even different countries.

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Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!

I liked X2's ideas a lot.

To the OP:

You will have to simply try. You cannot...simply cannot go through life like this. You cannot throw your hands in the air if things don't go your way.

I understand how hard it is to live with in-laws and I am an ABCD. But you will have to either adjust in a way where you start being yourself OR talk to hubby to not live with them. What other choices do you have? If they're nice people and don't do harm...then you need to make an effort.