Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!
If they are aged and need help of course they should be taken care of, but other than that, no.
Living with your inlaws or parents doesn't make you a better son / daughter or dil / sil.
How you treat, love and respect them reflects on you.
You can have parents / inlaws with you and have very toxic environment and be prone to neglect.
If a family doesn't have a son who do they live with?
All children should be dutiful towards their parents, I believe that wholeheartedly it doesn't necessarily mean you are a bad person if you don't want to live with your inlaws.
Incase of being aged and needing help all the children should be responsible not only the sons / eldest.
people in general should behave as they would like others to behave toward them, especially when it comes to in law kin.
Aged is just one reason, financial situation can be another.
Your point regarding its not just one child's responsibility is valid, but that means some or all Son in Law, or Daughter in Law will need to make room for the parents. It ends up being some child's or all children's responsibility, and who does what and how much can vary.
The shuttling between homes is not practical, one place has to be the base especially if the siblings are in different cities because you need usual doctors and friends etc.
And yes the situation could be toxic, as I have stated in this thread and in other threads that it depends on the people involved. Previously I have been a string proponent of quality retirement homes in cases where the type of medical attention they need can not be adequately provided at home, or the home situation is unfit for them to live in a Chikh Chikh free environment :-)
Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!
Arite, had to post here because I think I can share how I dealt with the situation.
You're very sweet pakieyez to be so honest about your feelings. But here is the thing. No matter how culturally apart you may be with your in laws, they are your husband's mom and dad. You know, 25 years down the road, your kids will have moved on to new perspectives about life and may not relate with you too well either. But guess what, we need to soften our hearts, be realistic and understand that life doesn't always happen the way we WANT it to be. You can never be 100% well planned all the time. You take life as it comes.
So now, first of all, relax yourself. Living with in laws (and you've said they are nice folks) isn't an alien idea. Think of them as your hubby's mom and dad. If your attitude is right, everything falls into place. Also understand that the power is in your hands. If you can be welcoming and adjusting, you'll gain incredible love and respect and will be able to work with your husband as a team. Remember, there is no "I" in team.
Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!
this is not about what you "can" do but what you "want" to do.......
there are enough examples of people from different cultural and ethnic backgrounds coming together and either one or both of them have adjusted enough to make things not only work but flourish as a family. this happens when there is understanding and compassion between them.
using "grown up in America" is just another way of saying "I can't be bothered....."
Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!
OP your concerns seem pretty normal and natural. I think the biggest thing you need to keep in mind is not to run away from a relationship just because it is initially awkward or uncomfortable. You need to think about people and their intents. If their intents are filled with love and a desire to grow as a family, don't reject them just because your visions are different.
I think you're right that you will end up depressed if you shut yourself up in your own home, making yourself quieter and less social. I think you have to resist the urge to do that. Make a concerted effort to converse and share in the beginning. It will become easier and more natural with time. Just because you are an ABCD doesn't mean you have nothing to share with each other. Keep an open mind and don't resist making an effort.
Really you should keep the above in mind whether or not you are living with your inlaws. If you really don't want to live with them, you need to talk openly and honestly with your husband. Maybe the living arrangement will only be a temporary one. But if it seems like you really will need to be sharing a home, read some of the other replies for how to succeed at it.
Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!
pakieyez - You should communicate your fears to your husband, but in a respectful manner. Like Paheli mentioned above, no calling them backwards etc. Tell your husband that you want to make your life and their life comfortable where each of you can also have independence.
What are some things that you do now that you think you won't be able to do if they come live with you?
Also keep working on the Urdu.
It's also pretty difficult for people to get visas to the U.S. if they don't speak English. How did they swing that?
Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!
You know pakieyez I am American born and raised too, I can speak Punjabi fluently as that is what my parents spoke at home, but I learned Urdu from TV exposure (although this was not too extensive), and also from hearing my aunts converse with their kids. I don't think the language barrier should necessarily be a block eventually you will learn as long as you keep an open mind, the urdu language and they (your in-laws) will grow on you. Your concerns are understandable, have an open discussion with your husband about your fears, and go from there, you and him know better than us what is going to be acceptable for your family and circumstances (financially what you can afford, age and health of parents etc.)...also everyone has suggested very good alternatives for you to consider. Compromise is the key here, good luck!
Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!
I have been in your situation.
I had been married for 5 years and lived alone when my in laws and BIL migrated from Pakistan. I wasn't super enthused about having so many people in the house especially since I had a one year old and I was in pregnant with my 2nd one. My ILs are pretty traditional people but they are also very open to how you want to live your life.
Transition was a bit hard but I am solution focused so I made a promise to myself that I would not make mountain out of molehills. If my MIL destroyed my favorite pan, so be I can get a new one. People first then things. (This was helpful because that was the year, that I moved to my brand new house).
They liked Urdu. So I got them Geo T.V and brought newspapers for them to read. I would take them to the masjid so they felt involved. My MIL liked being in kitchen and I really don't so that worked out perfectly. She cooked and I cleaned. I worked upstairs. In my bedroom, I had everything I needed. My bathroom, my elliptical, my office and my t.v.
In turn my husband got to live with his parents and make some memories with them. He got to do his duty as a son and not feel remorse that he didn't take care of them. My children got to know the love of grandparents. They are better human beings for knowing so.
At the same time, I didn't put unnecessary pressure or demands that you are putting on yourself. Woman THINK that they are expected to cook, clean and entertain ILs. That is a expectation they have placed on themselves. In most cases, ILs don't want a babysitter themselves. All they want is respect and if you do that, it's enough. You don't have to feel like you are in jail. You can go out as you please. I would do the courtesy of telling mine, that "I am going out, do you need anything?"
Now that they are not living here, I can say I have my life back but I miss the company sometimes. I miss the extra pair of hand in the kitchen. I miss someone who reads quran everyday in my home. I miss someone who spoils my kids.
party asked a good question - what are you going to miss out on? work on the solution where both are possible. It can be done.
Re: I Don't Want to Live with My In-Laws!!!! Help!
People first then things.
I hope I can always remember this...its hard to keep focused when you're stressed and out of your element.
But you have to try. Try to learn Urdu, for your own sake as well. Why would you not? I was born and raised in Chicago...been to Pak only twice as a kid. Made it a point to learn. Why? I men a Caucasian lady who was married to Pakistani man once...my mom said Salaam and she said "Walaikum Assalaam Aunti, kaisi hein aap?" My jaw dropped. If SHE can learn a completely different culture, food, language, religion, etiquette and way of life...so can I. So can you.
I know its easier said than done and at the end of the day you will be the one dealing with all of this. But if you don't try you will be even more unhappy.
That is true