im getting married this year as everyone knows, god ive posted enough about it.
thing is im getting really scared now. i guess it could be cold feet and most people get it. its not the fiance, its just the marriage.i cant do it but its all ready now. i feel scared about going to peshawar to get hitched, most people i know are moving out of peshawar to go islamabad etc, but my in laws dnt want to go anywhere else. they love it there and have family there so are not willing to move…im too scared about the halaat there. i wont be moving there now, im coming back to the uk for about a year or 18months then we gna move to pak peshawar with his family…who are already there.
its not that they are not well off, they are, its just they dnt wana move out.
im getting married this year as everyone knows, god ive posted enough about it.
thing is im getting really scared now. i guess it could be cold feet and most people get it. its not the fiance, its just the marriage.i cant do it but its all ready now. i feel scared about going to peshawar to get hitched, most people i know are moving out of peshawar to go islamabad etc, but my in laws dnt want to go anywhere else. they love it there and have family there so are not willing to move...im too scared about the halaat there. i wont be moving there now, im coming back to the uk for about a year or 18months then we gna move to pak peshawar with his family....who are already there.
its not that they are not well off, they are, its just they dnt wana move out.
im not looking forward to anything at the moment.
Yeah the situation at the moment is bad but if you say that they are well off and settled there , I don'tthink that it should affect you in anyway........
My family is there and Alhumdullilah they are safe and go abouttheir day to day activites.
Where are your in laws settled.....as certain areas are more at risk than others.....
Talk about your fears of the situation there... Suggest to your fiance or your parents how difficult it will be for you to go from somewhere you feel safe and have spent your whole life, to somewhere new with the added stresses of the halaat there.
Reassure everyone that its not the marriage you are against but the thought of moving there...
Yeah the situation at the moment is bad but if you say that they are well off and settled there , I don'tthink that it should affect you in anyway........
My family is there and Alhumdullilah they are safe and go abouttheir day to day activites.
Where are your in laws settled.....as certain areas are more at risk than others.....
ermm yeh they are somehwere safer, im not sure what area, can you help me with that, like tell me what areas are safer.....they live in some univerity campus cos the mother is a senior lecturuer, so that house is given by govt, but when they move in 2 yrs time, they will want to move to a safe part of peshawr obviously, but not sure where, i dnt know the area names. can you tell me wheres safe and whre isnt. my fiance was saying theres an area where mainly retired lecturers or whatever move to, and its a safe area surrounded by boundaries.....dnt know much else really
Talk about your fears of the situation there... Suggest to your fiance or your parents how difficult it will be for you to go from somewhere you feel safe and have spent your whole life, to somewhere new with the added stresses of the halaat there.
Reassure everyone that its not the marriage you are against but the thought of moving there...
I HAVE, and im met with the same reply hum log be rehtey hain, sab aram say hain, agar koi baat hothi pir hum na move hotey......but still they are used to living there, im not.
Its different for them though, as they have always lived there and as the change has been gradual it doesn't seem so bad to them. However it will be an enormous change for you. Keep voicing your fears, they will take u more seriously soon. Talk to your parents, the in-laws will always try to persuade you to suit themselves, but your parents will want to ensure you're happy.
You must have had some idea about the after-marriage living arrangements when your cousin's parents proposed the rishta.....................so you had all that time to think about things and even cancel the rishta.
But now.....wedding preparations are in full swing and it would create a sticky situation to back out of the marriage now.......especially since your cousin has been working in the UK and living under the same roof with you for so long. You are right, it could be cold feet. I've seen girls get nervous a few days prior to the wedding....and it's perfectly normal. Even girls who won't be moving to Pakistan and who will be getting married to a guy that lives in the same city as them.....FREAK OUT. It's not an uncommon reaction. Part of your worries have to do with cold feet.
The other part of your problems has A LOT to do with you not implementing the simple advice that many guppies have been giving you since DAY 1....when you first starting posting on GS. And that simple advice is : TALK TO HIM. It can do wonders.
And please don't makes excuses such as , "Oh I can't talk to him because then he'll remind me of all that he's done for me".......or "My parents and his parents will be so upset at me and they'll disown me from the family"............yada yada yada. Sometimes there is only ONE WAY to go about resolving issues: COMMUNICATING.
Talk to your fiance, hon. You're going to be living with this man for the rest of your life....you can bare your soul to him. Let him see how scared, nervous, and worried you are. And that will make him realize that you are indeed seriously concerned about the living arrangements. And from your previous posts, I gather that he loves you very much. And to comfort you........he might even work out a compromise with you. But you won't know unless you don't talk to him.
I think deep down you know that communicating with him is the solution.....but for some reason you're hesitating......and you're hoping that the people on Gupshup will give you some other magical advice besides "talking to him". But I'm letting you know now.......most of the guppies will advise you to "talk to him." Even if you decide to cancel the rishta all together...........you can't take that step without "talking to him". And that's exactly what you need to to. We can't come up with any other alternative advice that does not involve communication with your fiance. Because that is the only logical thing to do.
Nadz stop worrying i bet in a few weeks youll be married and whisked off and wont even remember us lil guppies.
Inshllah evrything wil go well.
And i have never seen a girl who worried so much about her marriage?
Or is it that they do but they dont all show it.?
lol, you know if girls are worried they show it, it can't be usually be helped.
i was the opposite end of the spectrum though. i was so chilled about everything people were asking why i wasn't more ~excited~!!!! squeee!!! and nervous.
yes you should be worried about moving to Peshawar. and ofcourse ur inlaws and family will say 'hum bhi reh rahein hain bla bla' obviously no ones gonna say anything especially if they wanna keep living there, until something bad happens unfortunately. and yes this is a huge concern but u should be speaking to ur family and fiance about it. ofcourse if they have their business there then it is unlikely they will move. maybe u can move with ur husband later on?
You must have had some idea about the after-marriage living arrangements when your cousin's parents proposed the rishta.....................so you had all that time to think about things and even cancel the rishta.
But now.....wedding preparations are in full swing and it would create a sticky situation to back out of the marriage now.......especially since your cousin has been working in the UK and living under the same roof with you for so long. You are right, it could be cold feet. I've seen girls get nervous a few days prior to the wedding....and it's perfectly normal. Even girls who won't be moving to Pakistan and who will be getting married to a guy that lives in the same city as them.....FREAK OUT. It's not an uncommon reaction. Part of your worries have to do with cold feet.
The other part of your problems has A LOT to do with you not implementing the simple advice that many guppies have been giving you since DAY 1....when you first starting posting on GS. And that simple advice is : TALK TO HIM. It can do wonders.
And please don't makes excuses such as , "Oh I can't talk to him because then he'll remind me of all that he's done for me".......or "My parents and his parents will be so upset at me and they'll disown me from the family"............yada yada yada. Sometimes there is only ONE WAY to go about resolving issues: COMMUNICATING.
Talk to your fiance, hon. You're going to be living with this man for the rest of your life....you can bare your soul to him. Let him see how scared, nervous, and worried you are. And that will make him realize that you are indeed seriously concerned about the living arrangements. And from your previous posts, I gather that he loves you very much. And to comfort you........he might even work out a compromise with you. But you won't know unless you don't talk to him.
I think deep down you know that communicating with him is the solution.....but for some reason you're hesitating......and you're hoping that the people on Gupshup will give you some other magical advice besides "talking to him". But I'm letting you know now.......most of the guppies will advise you to "talk to him." Even if you decide to cancel the rishta all together...........you can't take that step without "talking to him". And that's exactly what you need to to. We can't come up with any other alternative advice that does not involve communication with your fiance. Because that is the only logical thing to do.
i have spoken to him. he has reassured me, and what he says is logical. but the fear is still there. so what else am i expected to do, but ask advice from here, i sometime wonder why i bother....
yes you should be worried about moving to Peshawar. and ofcourse ur inlaws and family will say 'hum bhi reh rahein hain bla bla' obviously no ones gonna say anything especially if they wanna keep living there, until something bad happens unfortunately. and yes this is a huge concern but u should be speaking to ur family and fiance about it. ofcourse if they have their business there then it is unlikely they will move. maybe u can move with ur husband later on?
no why would they potentionally put their lives in danger if peshawer so bad, just for me......and they are good people, they would never make anyone stay there,but that doesnt mean i will force my hand. at the end fo the day i have heard stories from karachi and islamabad too that are far worse.
i have spoken to him. he has reassured me, and what he says is logical. but the fear is still there. so what else am i expected to do, but ask advice from here, i sometime wonder why i bother....
but thankyou x
And are you okay with the reassurance?
If so, then perhaps the rest of your fears are stemming from cold feet about marriage....it's a huge step, after all.
its cold feet... i totally understand.. u feel like u'll be leaving your whole life, all you've ever known behind... i know coz i feel the same!
Although i aint moving he is (poor guy) i still feel like i'll be leaving behind my family, i feel separated and the thought of it depresses me thinking how am i going to spend so much time with sumone i bearly know... Il most probably be spending ramadhan eid with his family out there and im not so familiar with them, even tho their nice to me its not the same... i suppose its more about seperating from my family more for me and coz ur moving country its harder for u coz ur thinking of adjusting out there okay i think im waffling here lol
what i mean to say is that ur feelings are natural. whenever i feel like this i talk to my dad and he always reassures me makes me see sense lol. You know when you get married it'l be a transition from one life (you being single) to another which is marriage and marriage has its own khushian and at the time you wont be feeling so bad coz you'll be so busy in experiencing so much. If your getting married in peshawar (not sure if you are but im assuming) you'll most probably spend time with them at hubbys home, It'll give you a feel of whats to come when you move out there permanantly you'll know what to expect.
When you dwell on the situation you're naturally inclined to think about the what ifs and the maybes or the negative aspects of the situation so just try and engross your thoughts fully into the wedding preps and avoid thinking about anything negative coz if you stress u myt pop out in spots and thats a no no just before your wedding.
Thats how i deal with it anyway. Atleast you got ur fiance to talk to. Were not on talking terms at the moment due to many complex factors lol so i really have no one to talk to about all my worries so i just try an block em out and leave everything to Allah. Theres no point in worrying about a problem that is not there yet unless you can see it developing.
Dont be worried about living in Pak, zindagi maut allah kay hawalay. As long as you do right by ur inlaws and there not doing anything wrong by u u shud be fine inshallah
im getting married this year as everyone knows, god ive posted enough about it.
thing is im getting really scared now. i guess it could be cold feet and most people get it. its not the fiance, its just the marriage.i cant do it but its all ready now. i feel scared about going to peshawar to get hitched, most people i know are moving out of peshawar to go islamabad etc, but my in laws dnt want to go anywhere else. they love it there and have family there so are not willing to move...im too scared about the halaat there. i wont be moving there now, im coming back to the uk for about a year or 18months then we gna move to pak peshawar with his family....who are already there.
its not that they are not well off, they are, its just they dnt wana move out.
im not looking forward to anything at the moment.
Relax. It's just, like faaari said, a case of cold feet.
If it makes you feel better, I was in the same boat as you. I lived in the USA (born & raised) and got married to my now husband, who was born, raised and lived in Peshawar all his life....went to Peshawar, got married and stayed there. I'm back in the USA at the moment - just got here a week back.
I promise you, it's not as bad as you think. "Halaat" are definitely there, but they are sensationalized by the media. So put that out of your mind. Whatever happens, that's in God's hands.
But if you're scared about the actual marriage - do you know this guy? Do you trust him? Is his family good to you? That's all that matters in the end. Talk to him. Be open with him. Don't hide your feelings or thoughts - that's the best way to make sure your marriage is successful.
i wouldn't want to live in Pakistan either... i mean look at the way things are right now! so your fears are justified, plus you'll be leaving your parents ...don't worry this time comes in every girls life... just be happy okay :]
Why did you agree to marry your cousin when you knew all along you would be moving back. Moving back to Pakistan (be it Peshawar, Karachi, Lahore) is a huge change! Was this not planned right from the beginning?