some aunty questioned why i still hadn't changed my last name. my FIL jumped to my defense and said such ridiculous things have no importance at all! we really do worry about silly, small things in this pakistani culture! one of the first things my FIL told me was not to think about changing my name, as in this world i will continue to be known by the name my own father gave me. i thought this was the sweetest things he could have ever said and felt such honor, mashallah.
you shouldn't have changed your last name at all. you can still go back and change it and i think you should. i thought it was really weak of you to do that as you were bullied into doing that by your FIL! Sorry to say but he sound so controlling and domineering! your husband needs to be independant and he should give equal respect to your parents as well. thats so rude of anyone not too.
How frustrating you are expected to spend more time at your in-laws than your own house! You need to speak up for yourself! What’s going to happen when you have kids?
Your husband is a daddy's boy thats why you are getting problems from FIL instead of MIL.
Your husband needs to have a mind of his own. I think pink diamond advised you to have a thought before having kids , I agree with her. Because from my personal experience such things only gets worse. Your FIL is way too dominating on your husband and way too interfering in your marriage. There is a limit to which one can put up with. He shouldn't have shouted on you . No decent man shouts at a woman esp when she is her DIL = daughter. Your FIL getting angry on your Khala for not looking happy on valima .....I thought I was the only one who faced such comments.........in my case comments came for my father. I can completely understand your feelings and can really imagine what your inlaws are like. I will repeat again your husband needs to have a mind of his own.......because such daddy's/mama's boy are so mentally dependent on their parents that they don't even grow up after becoming parents themselves. Do think that one day if you have a baby how much control would they have on the baby ? Would you be allowed to raise your baby the way you want ? Your husband is spoiled and surely lacks empathy , he cannot protect you and he cannot protect his married life. I will advise you to give a chance to this marriage , have some sabar , try to remain quiet , observe your husband's behaviour ....if you see some positive & permanent change then you'll have to make certain adjustments like ignoring his parents for the sake of hubby...if you don't see any change in him .........then you ask yourself what kind of life you want to live for the rest of your life ? You are neither a slave nor a robot ....you have feelings and preferences and you need to be respected ..........just remember that don't let others insult you and shout at whenever they want.
*Well, as a result of feeling low, I actually started to eat more and as i wasnt getting much exercise, i started to gain weight a bit. My FIL just a few days back said that i was "getting rounder" and asked me a very inappropriate question about my dress size going up...i felt so embarrassed that i started to cry...my husband immediately jumped to my defense. He told my FIL that i was just as beautiful as ever and he shouldnt say those things to me again. My FIL actually apologised and went quiet. *
Ladies. The reasons the questions were asked for not for you to respond for but for the woman in the original post to consider if her views are acceptable. One thing I find truly horrific in this forum is the amount of advice people provide on limited knowledge of the situation. The aim should be to let the other person figure out what they want. Not for some crazy women to bombard them with views that could damage their relationship.
The first question was to realize if she was willing to do the same for her husband against her family. In reality when it comes down to it humans always ask for more than they will do themselves. That is simple fact of reality. You all know people who give advice but never follow it themselves? Same reasoning here. If she is willing to do exactly what she demands of her husband then she is fine to make those demands.
The second question of money was to address the issue that he is financially liable for 2 families. Both of them are his. There is no choosing between the two. The first family he has spent a majority of his life with. The second family he will end his life with. You can not ask him to pick and choose on the matter. On issue of treatment and relationship. That is between the husband and the father and none of her concern. We rarely see any guys complaining about the relationship between a woman and her parents. Why? Because they don't get overly involved in issues that do not concern them.
Third question. The issue of over-dependency is subjective. There is not objective method to assess that. What I see is a woman who is using her own notions of what is acceptable and applying it to a family that she has just joined. Any basic negotiations or diplomacy class states that when in a new environment it is best to observe and then make judgment calls.
Its always in these cases I want to see what the husband has to say as we see only one side of the coin and the ladies always assume the the original female poster is right and not under heavy medication.
^ I can guarantee that no husband will put up with so much of shouting and insult from his father in law as much as she has put up with. I don't think the issues here are the relationship b/w him and his dad and how he is going to support both families financially. The issues are that he is sooo mentally dependent on them that he can not protect his wife. She has been forced to do certain things like changing her name which she never wanted.
Name changing , financial issues etc are not that big and can be handled. The main problem here is that she is loosing her peace of mind because of her FILs behaviour. I will say again her FIL has no right to shout at her or to interfere in their marriage.
and what do you have to say on her FIL comment that she is becoming round ! To me it's sounds like they are treating her more like an object than a human being
By the same token she has not right to interfere in the relationship between the husband and the father. They have known each other longer, their love is far stronger based on a history which is longer than that of the wife and the husband.
If we are going for such absolutes, in this case the wife should have no comment regarding anything the husband and her family if they can not comment on their marriage. Life is about boundaries but more about connections between people.
As for the comment of being round. As i said earlier its about how the information is presented. While she was embarrassed by the question, it could have been that of genuine concern. He may have been worried about her health or it was a cautious method to wonder if she was pregnant. The fact of the matter is we are getting only one view point on the matter and that is subjective with more emotions and feelings than actual facts.
relationship of husband and wife and parents & children are not comparable. Her husband can not BALANCE so she should not be blamed for his faults. parents shouldn't get their sons married if they want to rule them for the rest of their lives. The wife leaves her home , her parents , he siblings just to end up with a family who tells her that she is secondary and the relationship that they have among themselves is old and much more important and meaningful. Before marriage girl is not dying of hunger or anything that her parents gets her married.........at her parent's home too she gets 3 times meals , clothing , housing everything else too and above all at parent's home she is not belittled and insulted on petty issues.
Some people only get their son married to destroy life of someone's daughter .
Again a lot of assumptions regarding nothing the original poster has referenced. She has already stated her husband loves her. Her husband has stood up for on other occasions as she detailed in her second post. More importantly her concern is for the "independence" of her husband vis a vis his father. That is a dynamic that she is a third party to. She does not know their history and she does not know what has or has not happened.
More importantly she is still making judgments based on personal opinions and not facts. And she is making a mountain out of a freaking ant hill. Her husband loves her, her MIL looks out for her.
Lets take a stab at the father. His father left him as a kid, abandonment issues like that do not go away and as per the comments made by the lady he has done his best to be a good father to her husband. This could simply be a different symptom of abandonment issues he has had since a kid. Since his father left, he wishes to be around for his son so that he doesn't feel abandoned. Or that he feels abandoned by his son for the marriage and wants to hold on to him.
Either way it is not simply an issue of the FIL being a bad person. Everybody has issues, needs and concerns and it is our job as normal human beings to see that there is a good balance of give and take between realistic needs and unrealistic ones.
Ignore all the bad things he says....The best answer to someone who is begin rude to you is: SILENT ANSWER.....don't say anything....that's the biggest slap in their face...
Enjoy your time whenever you are together....
Mostly there are two issues that get a husband and wife apart.....Money and family...so dont'try to talk about money or his family..bad or good.....you should enjoy your time with him....
You don't have to explain him that u want to spend life with him..not with his family.....
Don't tell everything you feel about his family.....Ignore ignore....
Dont'give these kinds of issues so many importance...That's advice to you!!
I've learned not to say everything to my husband....if we are together then we don't talk about others....
The possible underlying reasons for the father's behavior (abandonment, etc) have already been mentioned. It's also been said that there's nothing wrong with being dependent upon parents. Not everyone is saying that the FIL is a horrible person........but there IS a lack of balance and it's creating problems.....and some of his actions are a bit much. Yes, we all have things we can improve about ourselves.......but in order to do that....you also need the courage to admit that you're wrong. You can sternly tell the DIL not to inform her parents of your verbal abuse (an indication of your guilt....which should ideally come with an apology)......but then you should also work on being careful with what you say and with controlling your anger thereafter.
You've been with your son for twenty some years....you're attached to him....but understand that this new person that has entered in his life can't compete with all those years and is trying to build a life with him....not replacing you. Two different relationships (parent/spouse) can't be compared. It would be nice if those bigger in age can act "bigger"....but that doesn't always happen. He and the OP seem to feel threatened about losing the son/husband.....and ALL parties (the FIL, the OP, and the husband) need to work together in removing that fear.
The response was to what Diamond123 had stated when she went way to far in the assumptions in this thread. I for one am not comparing the relationship but the notion of interfering. Human life is based on interaction. Only depending on personal opinion is it considered interfering.
A case to be noted. No woman would consider her mother helping out with her new born baby as interfering. The husband can. Or the wife may consider the help of the Mother in law to be interfering when the husband does not. It is all a case of perceptions based on personal comfort zones. The lady in the original post sees things that are beyond her comfort zone and instead of figuring out or reasoning it out she is making a biased judgment call against her father in law. Over dependency is a subjective issue based on family upbringing.
A child who grows up in the west will think his parents staying at his place for a vacation is over dependency. While a child growing up in Pakistan would consider his parents living with him for years as normal.
Its all about perspective and our comfort zone. She needs to take the time to see things for what they are instead of jumping off to making judgments.
Ignore all the bad things he says....The best answer to someone who is begin rude to you is: SILENT ANSWER.....don't say anything....that's the biggest slap in their face...
Enjoy your time whenever you are together....
Mostly there are two issues that get a husband and wife apart.....Money and family...so dont'try to talk about money or his family..bad or good.....you should enjoy your time with him....
You don't have to explain him that u want to spend life with him..not with his family.....
Don't tell everything you feel about his family.....Ignore ignore....
Dont'give these kinds of issues so many importance...That's advice to you!!
I've learned not to say everything to my husband....if we are together then we don't talk about others....
relationship of husband and wife and parents & children are not comparable. Her husband can not BALANCE so she should not be blamed for his faults. parents shouldn't get their sons married if they want to rule them for the rest of their lives. The wife leaves her home , her parents , he siblings just to end up with a family who tells her that she is secondary and the relationship that they have among themselves is old and much more important and meaningful. Before marriage girl is not dying of hunger or anything that her parents gets her married.........at her parent's home too she gets 3 times meals , clothing , housing everything else too and above all at parent's home she is not belittled and insulted on petty issues.
Some people only get their son married to destroy life of someone's daughter .
Rightly said .......and these kind of people have double standards...different for their daughters and bahus....they have brought up their sons on the ideas tht....ke ladki ke maan baap se ziyada milney ki zarorat nahin,susraal jaaney ki zarorat nahin,ladki waley chalak hotey hain aur woh kahein hamarey betay ko apna na bana lein yah beta biwi ki ghulami na kernay lag jaye aur susraal waloon ka na ban ke reh jaye...they have insecurities and inferiority complex tht they try to control their son's life...
and when it comes to their own daughters, all they want for their daughters is to get separate from their inlaws and live independently aur unke apney damad unkey neechay lagey huwey hotey hain....
wohi baat damad ager apni beti ke neechay laga huwa hai tau woh buhat acha hai aur ager apna beta biwi ki side le tau woh joro ka ghulam ho gaya....
confide in the almighty. he will help u. my mom went thru hell and back when she first got married but now shes happi mashallah. the fruit of patience is always sweet.
The response was to what Diamond123 had stated when she went way to far in the assumptions in this thread. I for one am not comparing the relationship but the notion of interfering. Human life is based on interaction. Only depending on personal opinion is it considered interfering.
A case to be noted. No woman would consider her mother helping out with her new born baby as interfering. The husband can. Or the wife may consider the help of the Mother in law to be interfering when the husband does not. It is all a case of perceptions based on personal comfort zones. The lady in the original post sees things that are beyond her comfort zone and instead of figuring out or reasoning it out she is making a biased judgment call against her father in law. Over dependency is a subjective issue based on family upbringing.
A child who grows up in the west will think his parents staying at his place for a vacation is over dependency. While a child growing up in Pakistan would consider his parents living with him for years as normal.
Its all about perspective and our comfort zone. She needs to take the time to see things for what they are instead of jumping off to making judgments.
your words & thoughts are too low for my attention !
I don't care and many of us don't care what u think , we are helping the thread opener and we will. You keep on blaming that girl and keep on siding with FIL because your mentality and perception is as low as theirs . Thats why u don't find them wrong. Well who cares what u think !
If you find that somebody is not grateful for all that you have done for him, then do not get disappointed because often you will find that someone else feels under your obligation though you have done nothing for him and thus your good deeds will be compensated, and Allah will reward you for your goodness. by Hazrat Ali (R.A)