Re: I dont know what to do :(
kya kar houn; we all have a dark side; mine is to plot against mean FIL's
:@:
with all this crap and other thoughts.. i can imagine.. either husband is going to kill you... or you are gonna leave him?
right?
"why wouldnt he think marriage isnt a partnership and that the women had to give more??"
^BECAUSE......his parents have spoiled him.......have only taught him to think about himself. Who knows? Before he got married, they may even have taught him that you should NEVER see your wife's parents as your own.......and that you shouuld keep your wife in control so that she will always cater to your needs.....and that way she'll never take you away from us....and the family will be kept intact ( no matter how ridiculous the tought).
The older you get, the more fixed in your ways you become. Your father-in-law may not change...........your husband is young and could try to improve things.........but unfortunately he simply DOES NOT see that there is something wrong with his upbringing. What he seese as "love" is actually (IMO) is a form of control to an extent. He doesn't realize that his parents over-the-top protection is hurting him in the long run because it's keeping him DEPENDENT upon them.
What on earth will he do if his parents pass away tomorrow???? Of course if you suggest that to him.......he might either scream at you.........or tattle to his parents and get them to shout at you for this........while he quietly watches you being insulted.
I think your husband's biggest problem is that he's too dependent upon his parents that he can't think for himself. SO.........try this out. When you see your husband taking independent decisions....and thinking for himself.......praise/encourage him. That will hopefully give him the confidence to make decisions on his own....and become an independent thinker.
When you see your husband upholding views that are CORRECT but different from his parents.............praise him. When you see him doing something right on his own... (defending someone) that his parents are puutting down.....praise him. Who knows? Apart from making him stronger.......this could help him build more trust in you and strengthen your relationship with him. He is so attached to mom and dad that they are like the only people he trusts.....it wouuld be healthy for him to learn to trust himself and others like his wife.
Re: I dont know what to do :(
You hit the nail on the head with your last sentence.
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Sometimes i think my family got my married without finding out more about these ppl and i feel bad.
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All you can do is ride through it... Or be brave and hope for the best and whatever happens happens and let your parents know whats going on. For goodness sake this is so stupid you went for a walk and you had to have permission! This is AWFUL i feel so sorry for you. And end of the day it doesnt matter how high your degree is, If your gonna marry your daughter to backward people. Im sorry but its so out of order. If i was in your position i would let my parents know without hesistation.
Re: I dont know what to do :(
I would rather have an evil MIL than this type of FIL. I hate it when men get involved like this especially with their DILs.
I would say that if you're not ready to leave your husband then don't do anything. I don't think it's your FIL that is at fault here but rather your husband because he is not standing up for you. Whenever there are family problems, it's always the guy that needs to take a stand in one side or the other. Right now it seems he needs to take his parents' side (in a way I understand that, since that's how we are brought up) and then makes your all happy go lucky when you guys are by yourselves. He's playing the both sides maybe because that's his only choice for now or maybe because some guys are just like that.
I'm sorry that you're in this situation but I think you're luckier than many other girls who have FILs like yours and have to live in the same house as him.
So please take one day at a time and pray to Allah.
with all this crap and other thoughts.. i can imagine.. either husband is going to kill you... or you are gonna leave him?
right?
People don't always deal with situations in a black and white manner. It doesn't seem like the OP (as frustrated as she is) wants call it quits in her marriage. Seems like she wants to make it work....and if that's the case...then you find ways to resolve issues. If things only get worse....then Islam has allowed divorce.
Re: I dont know what to do :(
Well, in western countries the last name issue is different. People don't take their husband's name as their last. Your last names in the family all have to match up otherwise it will be a legal nightmare later on. So as much as you hate taking the dad's name, YOU chose to go to a western country. You could have stayed in Pakistan but I bet it feels good to get out of that dump, right?
So now follow their laws.
They're not going to adjust the laws to your cultural needs.
If you want to keep your maiden name because of your degrees and publications, then you have a right to keep your name. THAT the family cannot force you to change. But no one in the west will accept you taking your husband's name as your last. It's just not the system here.
I'm sorry you are going through such a terrible time but try not to think about what could have happened in the past. Your parents could have spent 6 months researching their family and you could have still ended up being treated like sh*t. My parents knew my sister's first husband family since childhood but they still turned out to be wank*rs.
Just keep trying to develop a strong bond with your husband so he starts empathizing with you. Don't attack his family in front of him ever. That is the biggest mistake you can make. But if you are upset, tell him you are. Please don't spend all your time at your in laws house. Maybe on weekdays go there, help out around the house blah blah and keep the weekends to yourselves?
Don't push this issue about him not being like a son to your parents because in all honesty, does it really matter? Your parents are in a different country now, how often will he even interact with them. As long as he respects your parents when he does see them, don't let it worry you.
Re the name change issue: I know that in the UK even if you 'officially' change your name on documents etc you can keep your maiden name at work. Lots of doctors do this and I probably will as well.
Good luck!
The reason they went back home to get a wife for their pathetic son was because they wanted a compliant seedi-saadi girl who won't make a fuss and does whatever they say.
why do parents in Pak just blindly marry their daughters off to any old loser from the West? Most of the parents in Pak don't actaully want to dig too deep into the boys family background in case they discover something bad. they just want to marry their daughter off. then yhey are out of sight and out of mind.
*The reason they went back home to get a wife for their pathetic son was because they wanted a compliant seedi-saadi girl who won't make a fuss and does whatever they say. *
why do parents in Pak just blindly marry their daughters off to any old loser from the West? Most of the parents in Pak don't actaully want to dig too deep into the boys family background in case they discover something bad. they just want to marry their daughter off. then yhey are out of sight and out of mind.
I don't know why people here, even sensible well educated people, have this extremely warped perception of girls back home. They seem to think they will have no brains or personalities of their own. Unless you go pick out a girl from your pind, you ain't gonna get someone who slaves around and doesn't respond to being treated badly. If anything, I find people from back home to be a lot more forward thinking than the desis here. Some Pakistanis in the west still seem to be stuck in the era in which they migrated.
I have a friend who has been born and brought up in the UK, she is getting married to her boyfriend. She, of all people, had the audacity to say that she wants her brothers to have an arranged marriage with a girl from back home because she will respect her parents and look after them more than a British girl would. It angers me SO much when they make these assumptions :(
I'm not the one with the warped perception. I know that girls from back home can bed as independent and liberal as girils from the west. its just some of the backward domineering parents and thier loser sons who think they can pick up a nice homely girl who won't speak up when she's being exploited by them.
Its good to hear stories about some of these Pak girls who turn out to be so chalaak that the sons and in laws get a nasty shock.
I'm not the one with the warped perception. I know that girls from back home can bed as independent and liberal as girils from the west. its just some of the backward domineering parents and thier loser sons who think they can pick up a nice homely girl who won't speak up when she's being exploited by them.
Its good to hear stories about some of these Pak girls who turn out to be so chalaak that the sons and in laws get a nasty shock.
Hey, I was agreeing with you. It's just plain stupid. I lived half my life in Pakistan and none of my friends from back home would automatically do all the things that desis here expect them to do. Heck, most of them have never stepped inside a kitchen all their lives!
The reason they went back home to get a wife for their pathetic son was because they wanted a compliant seedi-saadi girl who won't make a fuss and does whatever they say.
why do parents in Pak just blindly marry their daughters off to any old loser from the West? Most of the parents in Pak don't actaully want to dig too deep into the boys family background in case they discover something bad. they just want to marry their daughter off. then yhey are out of sight and out of mind.
While it's true that some parents don't do a thorough investigation of the rishta. At the same time.......some in-laws don't reveal their claws until after the wedding. Some know how to put on a front that makes them appear like civil, respectable....and sane people.
Im sorry that your FIL is a total jerk. Butyou shouldn't have to deal with him at all. You have your own home then why do u spend so much time at your FIL's place? Tell your husband that you don't deserve to be treated like this and its better if you stay at your own home more to avoid conflicts with your inlaws. If your husband can't even understand that, then he doesn't deserve you. Try to get your husband to be on your side and see how badly your FIL treats you.
Thank you everyone for all the replies. I really appreciate it. I actually did inform my parents about what happened as it was such a huge thing for me and i was getting so depressed. My mom and dad wanted to buy me a ticket back to Pakistan immediately, they wanted me to leave or wanted to confront my FIL and my husband especially...my family Allah ka shukaar hai is all very well educated and what my FIL did all shocked them, but i told my mom that doing that would affectively end my marriage...and two months into a marriage, when you are still dreamy and full of love and hope, that would have crushed me even more. So i asked my mom to wait and let me see what happened.
Red ruby: i cant organize a meal yet since my FIL has told us we will eat all meals at his house and the only groceries in my house are for breakfast or snacks...but i will try and arrange for us to buy groceries for meals. I think my husband will be up for it. He wants to spend more time at out house too...but still he want to spend a lot of time at his fathers too.
The situation has become better. My husband does love me a lot. He says he loves me more than anyone in the world...so i guess that means he loves me more than his father...i hope so. And seriously, when we are alone, we do have such a wonderful time.
We have talked and i really have tried to point out to him that we hve to build a life together...as husband and wife...not as husband, wife and husbands family! He agrees (not 100% though) and he tries to take me out to shopping or on outings as much as he can.. (on the weekends sometimes) but every single day we have to be over at his parents no matter what. He says he will never leave his parents and that either he, or his brother will have to take care of them (he is the older of 2 brothers)...i say, im not asking you to leave them!! I just want a life of our own!
I have tried to get out of their house sooner...like today i had an exam to study for so i said i had to go home and study...and my FIL let me... when i got home, my husband soon joined me back home...so i guess he does prefer beng around me...he himself has pointed out to his father many times now that we hardly spend anytime at our own home etc etc...but his father doesnt seem to want to let go. Mind you it has only been a month and half since we moved out. I hope things well steadily become better.
My career hasnt suffered and my FIL is positive in that aspect. He isnt very well educated himself. He was a shop-owner. My MIL on the other hand is. She is very nice and decent. She also has a strong bond with my husband but she has a better way of showing it than her husband :P She cares for me too and i do care for her also. She is a sweetheart and unfortunately very timid up against her husband.
Well, as a result of feeling low, I actually started to eat more and as i wasnt getting much exercise, i started to gain weight a bit. My FIL just a few days back said that i was "getting rounder" and asked me a very inappropriate question about my dress size going up...i felt so embarrassed that i started to cry...my husband immediately jumped to my defense. He told my FIL that i was just as beautiful as ever and he shouldnt say those things to me again. My FIL actually apologised and went quiet.
I think my FIL sees the affect i have on my husband and its freaking him out. He has lately planned for my husband to have sport-training three evenings a week and is constantly asking my husband to help him write emails etc about some thing or the other...which makes my husbnd go over to their place again and again ...and the time my husband spends with me, less and less. (But they had these sport trainings before my marriage too...but not so much in intensity as they are now though)
My best friend who got married before me, had a horrible episode in early married life when she was pregnant and her MIL wanted to kick her out of the house...but she stayed stubborn and told her husband (who was also unfortunately a mama's boy) that this was her house and she wouldnt leave. So i had this example before me about a girl who went through somthing worse and still survived the situation. Now they are much happier as she has learnt to deal with her MIL with diplomacy and caution.
When i was about to decide about accepting their proposal, i really trusted in Allah, i did Istikhara and prayed and prayed many times. When i saw my husband for the first time, i knew he was the one.It just clicked. I still trust in Allah and i still know that there is something good for me in this marriage so i dont want to end it. I love him so much! :´( i cant think of leaving him.
I hope and pray everything will be settled and time will only strengthen our love and committment towards each other. I want to be happy...and inshAllah i will be. I want to have children with my husband, and believe me i will go to all possible lengths to sheild them from the negative influences of my FIL...i guess experience teaches you. I know when my FIL is about to boil over, so i stay clear of him then, my husband even has promised to sheild me from his fathers anger if, Allah na karay, he explodes at me again. So i am really hopeful and i want to take the positive road and i want to do sabr in this matter. I have also started jogging with my husband and am trying to lose the bit of weight i put on. He is supportive in that too.
I dont know how this will end. Only Allah knows but i hope it will be good. I really want to thank all posters who told me to do sabr and be patient and be diplomatic and those who shared their experiences. I also appreciated those who told me not to put up with it...i really hope things keep positive though. Stupid psycho people shouldnt ruin our lives.
A series of questions for you:
- Would you argue with your parents and fight with them if they insulted your husband?
- Would you have an issue if your parents were dependent on your husband for money? Would you tell them to get lost since its your husbands money?
- Have you cut all your times and your dependency on your own family?
As others have also pointed out...
1) You don't necessarily have to "fight" with your parents if they insult your spouse, CM. But you CAN talk to them in a civil manner and calm them down. Doing absolutely nothing while your spouse is being humiliated can show that you don't care to acknowledge their feelings. At the very least....one should try to soothe their spouse in the absence of the parents. In her post, the OP, said that she had informed her MIL that she was going out for a walk. So, it wasn't even that nobody was aware of her whereabouts. The FIL starts yelling at the OP for not being there to greet her husband. If this is the first time this has happened, he could have been more patient. Greeting your spouse at a later time...is not a sin or a crime. *****The FIL then told the OP not to tell her family that he yelled at her...........This (to me) shows that the FIL on some level feels guilty about his reaction......and doesn't want her parents to get upset about it.
2) The OP mentioned in her post that she doesn't have an issue with her husband financially supporting his parents....because she has her own money. The issue here is attitude and treatment.
3) The issue here isn't dependency upon parents......as we all know that family are among the first people that we count on. The issue is over-dependency. For example, she mentioned that her FIL asks when they go to sleep....tells his son when to go home/to bed. Yeah, sure.....many parents (no matter how old their children get) will sometimes say "Beta....so jaao...khana time par khaa lo"...but maybe they're overdoing it with being protective of their son. For example...when the OP wasn't there to greet her husband...the FIL went off on her and said "I can do anything for my son...etc" How is this point even relevant to the argument (wife not greeting son)? I think the OP feels that if she fails to take care of her husbands exactly the way his parents take care of him (which...a spouse can't be the same as your parent).....that she's punished for it.
*The situation has become better. My husband does love me a lot. He says he loves me more than anyone in the world...so i guess that means he loves me more than his father...i hope so. *
*I think my FIL sees the affect i have on my husband and its freaking him out. *
1) If you are "hoping" that your husband will love you MORE than his father.....then this attitude can potentially hurt your marriage. That's almost like treating this issue as a competition between you and your FIL. You are his wife.......he is your husband's father. A wife and parents are two completely different relationships. You can't replace one with the other....you can't even compare them. Therefore, there shouldn't even be a competition. And it's unreasonable to even hope that the spouse would love one relation more than the other. Atomic Kitten, if someone were to ask you, "Who do you love MORE...your mother or your husband?" How would you answer that question? You can't even answer it. You don't love your parents and your spouse in the same way. Each have a different but special place in your life. Your husband might even argue that he has only known you for a few months....whereas his parents have raised him his whole life.........you can't compare the few months he has spent with you to the many years they've devoted to their son. So...don't "hope" that he'll love you or respect you "more" than his dad. The important thing is that he should love you and respect you as his wife and fulfill the Islamic rights you have on him as your wife.
2) You say that your FIL is freaking out over the effect that you have over your husband. Well, ideally...he shouldn't be freaking out. He grew up without a dad himself...and is attached to his two sons. He may be especially attached to your husband because that is his first child. YOU might be able to help him not "freak out" over you. You said that you're very cautious around your FIL....maybe he senses that. Try bonding with him a bit. Show him that you're not competing with him for his son. Show him that he shouldn't feel threatened by him. It would take patience and courage to do this. Maybe when he wants to spend time with your husband......you can openly say "sure, go ahead".....that way your FIL will see that you're okay with hubby spending time with him and that you're not trying to steal him. Stay calm....and maybe he'll become more relaxed as well. Sometimes when you tense up and get into fighting/competition mode.....the other person can tense up and start competing as well.
Anyhow, best wishes with everything.
Re: I dont know what to do 
Im glad to hear things are better…and ur name is so funny…atomic kitten 
Re: I dont know what to do :(
^ I think her nick is cute as well :) It's interesting.
Re: I dont know what to do :(
Read the OP .... and yet desis are obsessed with marriage, it is a huge pain in the backside. I feel sorry for the OP yet cannot help wondering why people stay in such a dysfunctional system composed abnormal people.
m so happy for you :hugzzz: