I dont know what to do :(

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Hey,

I have been married 6 months now. It was an arranged marriage but i got to meet my husband before we got engaged and after we got engaged we stayed in touch by email and phone. We got married and like a day after the wedding the problems started to begin.

My FIL thought my khala (who actually arranged our marriage) insulted him at the walima by not " seeming to look happy" at our walima reception. My Khala was actually sick that day but my FIL thought she ruined “his sons walima” by acting quiet that day. He had a rant at my familys house and my mom and dad managed to calm him down.

Then i got married and shifted to another country. It was very hard for me and i missed my family so much. I used to cry every night when i knew my husband had fallen asleep. My husband started saying things like “this is ur family now” and “my mom and dad are your mom and dad” etc

I said ok and i gave both my MIL and FIL a lot of respect and started calling them Ami Ji and Abu Ji…but then i said to my husband that marriage is a partnership and you should love and respect my parents the same way i care for your parents…my husband said no…he said that he was their son in law and nothing more…we actually had a big fight over it…why wouldnt he think marriage isnt a partnership and that the women had to give more??

Then he forced me to change my name…which i did not want to. If it was to change to his first name…i dont think that would have seemed so odd to me…but he had my name changed to his FATHERS name!!! He said that was the foreign system. I hated it…i hated changing my name…i am educated and all my degrees and certificates have my maiden name written on them…i tried to explain to him all this but he didnt care and kept telling me that he felt hurt that i was reacting so badly in taking their “family name” and that he felt that i didnt want to be a part of his family.

We were living with my in laws at that time (our home was getting renovated during that time) 2months into our marriage, one day when i came to my FILs home from the university where i am studying, i decided to go for a walk. I told my MIL and went out. After walking for a bit i decided to go to our apartment and stay there for a few minutes. My FIL had gone to pick my husband from his work. Anyway, so long story short…i heard a ring on the door…i went to open it and there stood my FIL …he started shouting at me…telling me " who the hell are u…my son works all day and u cant be at home to welcome him?? who the hell do u think u are…i can do anything for my son…anything…we bought this apartment for u, ur MIL cooks food…u dont have to do anything…and u do this?"

he proceeded to shout at me the whole way back to his home (both homes are across the street from one another). i was crying so bad…i thought my marriage was at an end…when i arrived at my in laws home…my husband didnt side with me when i told him what his father did. He saw my tears and he did nothing.

Anyway, that episode smoothed out when i had to apologise to my FIL for taking a walk.:(…my FIL acted nicely to me after it and took me shopping but i never have really gotten over it…and i am very cautious with him now. What really hurt me was how my husband acted…he didnt stop his father from insulting me and he thought it was my mistake for not asking permission from my FIL before going for a walk. Then my FIL made me promise i wouldnt tell any of my family about what had happened because “what happens in this house stays in this house”

The situation now is that we have moved to our home…but still my FIL is in incharge…we just go there to sleep as we spend most our free time at my FILs house. I really hate him sometimes. He is fake and so so dominating. He has fights with everyone in the neighbourhood and a wild temper that he doesnt control…he blames it on his diabetes…and says he is a sick man so we should forgive him for his mistakes…(he isnt sick…he is one of the most healthy diabetic ppl i have seen…and im a doctor!!!) He hardly earns a penny now and my husband is mostly supporting both homes with his income. I dont have an issue with the money…i have enough of my own…but i have an issue with how dependent my husband is on his father.

My FIL treats him like a boy…tells him when to go to home and go to sleep. My FIL has asked me many times the time when we go to bed…he wants to check that i am letting my husband go to sleep at night when we get home and not keeping him awake…URGH!!! This is madness. I have talked to my husband about this many times…and he just says that its his way of showing love…but this is abnormal. ABNORMAL!!! Why doesnt he understand? Then he thinks i am weird as girls from Pakistan are supposed to be conservative and used to family system of things!

My FILs father ( from what i have found out after we got married) abandoned his family when my FIL was little…i guess that explains why he is so over-protective of his son…but this is really affecting me. I was given much more freedom by my mom and dad in Pakistan. The trusted me and I never misused their trust. I never did anything bad with it and i am a very responsible person. I made my own decisions, got good marks and went to the best schools…and now all that is at an end as i have to ask my FIL (not my husband) for permission to go for even a walk or go home at night to sleep. Its so crazy. Sometimes i think my family got my married without finding out more about these ppl and i feel bad.

But i do love my husband and he does love me. When we are alone, we have such a wonderful time together—but thats the thing, we dont get much time a lone. I dont know what to do? Has anyone else been in such a situation? I cant deal with my FIL for much longer…he is suffocating me

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Re: I dont know what to do :(

Hey, its really sad to hear about all this... :(

All I can say is that be diplomatic... and I hope things will get better...

Just watch some Pakistani/Indian DIL MIL FIL type dramas and learn from them... lolz

Wish you best of luck.. :)

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Re: I dont know what to do :(

A series of questions for you:

  1. Would you argue with your parents and fight with them if they insulted your husband?
  2. Would you have an issue if your parents were dependent on your husband for money? Would you tell them to get lost since its your husbands money?
  3. Have you cut all your times and your dependency on your own family?
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Re: I dont know what to do :(

"Your parents are my parents...my parents are your parents"
Bull****!!!

I'm so sorry that you're going through this....Keep patience and ignore them...even your husband.....Read Koran and namaaz..keep yourself busy

5

Really sorry to read that. It must be so difficult for u.

I think u need to make ur husband see whats going on here. There is care and then there is control and u stated, ur FIL is controlling all aspects of ur life and if u dont take control soon, he will also control ur kids and their future.

It will take time but u need to start working on your husband, like one nite organise a romantic meal for him and a few days before pump him up by telling him what u have in store for him, so that he will look forward to it. That way he will be the one who will call inform his family that u wont be coming over that evening etc, u wont have to be involved in that, then make sure u have a brilliant meal and nite, somethin he wont forget. Trust me, most guys are the same hahah.

Carry on doing spontaneous things for him and he will eventually be putty in ur hands. then u can steer him away from the constant controlling and visits.

Hope it works for u.....it worked for me. my inlaws were like that and i literally went and took control of my situation before having my baby and now i dont have to answer to anyone but my husband.

6

trust me, nothing works for this mama boy, daddy boy types. I say ignore ignore ignore. Ignore your husband as well, if he cant stand up for your rights than he doesnt deserve your love or patience.

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Re: I dont know what to do :(

just hold in.. sabr ka phall meeta hota hai ..

and trust me ..worser sittuations occur on the wedding day itself .. like i personally with my aunty had to take a gun outa my uncles hands cos the groom came late ..and imagine hw my cousin was feeling .. but tough times do come and mashaAllah they have three kids today and happy as ever..

stay in there..dunt give up.

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The questions aren't directed at me, but I'll answer them too (as someone who's been married for 5 years.)

  1. I wouldn't fight per say, but I would definitely - though politely - stand up for my husband. I would definitely do something about it instead of just pretending nothing happened, so I think the OP has a right to feel upset that her husband didn't stand up for her.

  2. The OP hasn't told them to get lost. I think her issues are more to do with her FIL's control over their lives than their money.

  3. Yes. It's natural after you get married. Your focus becomes your own home and your own family (ie. husband and kids.) On a side note, I have female friends who have to plan months in advance to go for a few hours to visit their parents in the same city. Those same friends are expected to spend multiple evenings (in a week) and weekends at their inlaws. It's double standards.

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Re: I dont know what to do :(

i think you need to get through to your husband first,because hes so accustomed to obeying his dad , and it woluld feel like disrespecting his parents,it woulnt change overnight,take it slowly e.g.insted of fil telling him when to go to sleep let husband say I am tired I need to go home now, slowly build from there leave 10 minutes earlier next time a little earlier.

10

Re: I dont know what to do :(

Bake lots of cakes, cookies, and brownies for your Father in Law, if you know what I mean. ;)

11

So funny that this is what guys take from the story.

I don't think this girl has an issue with her husband supporting his family financially. She has an issue with the level of domination this dad has on not only her husband but also on her. Even my family doesn't ask me every night what time they went to bed or that I need permission to take a walk.

Now yes, we're hearing one side of the story, and maybe they panicked for your safety when they saw you weren't in the house. But he shouldn't have yelled at you - he should have said we thought you were lost, and we were worried. Next time just let us know where you're going so we don't get worried that someone kidnapped you.

sighz I'm sorry. Our desi families are so screwed up.

In our family the rule is, leave the new couple ALONE. Let them do what they want and don't ever knock on their closed door or enter their bedroom even if the room is open. I've never heard bahu's being talked to like this in our family, and never heard of my girl cousin's being treated like this in their new home.

This IS abnormal. Vaise, you are a doctor. I know you have more balls than to allow someone to walk over you like this. Are they letting you go to work? Are they letting you pursue your career here?

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1) stop arguing back

2) stop thinking for a while he is dominating, exactly he is but you have no choice except to wait and try to make change by the time.

3) these are simple pity issues, take them out of your head and start a day with smile, even if some one say something.. smile back and move on.

4) life is short, drink wine !

good luck

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Re: I dont know what to do :(

I agree with firenze. don't let these things get to you and show you don't really care. If you dont want to ask for permission, then don't. And then when you get yelled at, let them know that you don't need to ask for PERMISSION. You can let them know so they don't worry about your safety, but you're not going to ask "Can I do this?". You're going to say "I'm gong to do this, and just letting you know so you know where I am.

You have your own friggin house now. Go sit in it. Don't sit in your in-laws house. If your husband wants to go , you say, go ahead, I'm busy studying or cooking or cleaning or whatever. Yaar comon. You're a doctor. Don't tell me there was no bullying in your training and that you didn't get past that somehow.

14

I’m sorry you have to go through this. Its sad that the first year is so hard for new couples, especially in our desi system, where not only you have to adjust to living with another person, but in an entirley new family.
Your fil should not have shouted at you,but maybe this is the way it is in their family , it would be hard for you to change this.
Try to slowly distance yourself from them , but always be polite. Be glad you have your own house at least, it will get better iA . :flower1:

And yes, I would stand up for my husband if my parents ever insulted or shouted at him god forbid.

15

:O you are trying to have him killed chee chee

^ agree, except for the wine part...try cola or sprite or water instead ...maybe tea :D

16

Hi, i went through exactly the same situation. I am really surprised by how many people here are just saying ignore it etc. On which basis should you put up with this kind of behaviour. None. Islamically you have a duty to your husband not your in laws. You only need his perimission to do things not thiers, especially in this case as they are controlling every aspect of your life. They are being totally selfish and not thinking of u as a couple. If they are like your parents, then you should also be treated like a daughter, would they treat thier own daughter like this. No way. Plus the fact that you husband refuses to act like a son to your family (same happened in my case) is a clear indication of how unjustly and selfishly he is behaving. Men who have no guts to make independant decisions are pathetic. Islam tells us to balance our duties to our parents and wifes. I am sorry to say this but if your husband truly loved you he would find a way to spend more quality time with you and priotise the marriage, he will always expect you to make every single sacrifice. There is no culture or religion in this world that will encourage women to make all the effort in a marriage, by very nature marriage has to be worked at by both parties. You can not make this marriage work alone. I know that you are alone in a different country and it must be really tough for you and I am sure u would be justfying thier behaviour all the time to make yourself feel better but if you step away and really look at the situation, thier is no reason for you to be living your life in such a miserable way. Mashallaha you are a doctor, I am also a lawyer, we have a lot to offer the world and people who care about you would support you in being as independant as possible. You are lucky that you do not have any children, i would advise u to be very concious about this fact, do not think for one moment that if you have kids he will change, it will be worse.

I am sorry if u feel worse reading this but it is important that we do not let our own sense of dignity, self respect be trampled in the long term future. You deserve better. By allowing them to treat u this way u r only encouraging other desi families to do the same.

In conclusion only you can weigh up pros and cons of this marriage..May Allah guide you. All the best.

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Re: I dont know what to do :(

Silly as it does sound Partyslims is right and make food for your father in laws etc. not cookies etc as he is diabetic unbless those are the sugar free kind. I did that to my in laws and they are at least better for now. Yes, I too hate the system of chnaging the last name esp. to the FIL's name,! ugh! My husband did not ask me to change my name and I did not, but if I did it would be his father's first name (husband's last name) instead of his first name, at least that's what my husband would have liked.

Feel your oain sister, its not an Islamic system, just the Indo Pak culture.

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:@:

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Re: I dont know what to do :(

"why wouldnt he think marriage isnt a partnership and that the women had to give more??"

^BECAUSE......his parents have spoiled him.......have only taught him to think about himself. Who knows? Before he got married, they may even have taught him that you should NEVER see your wife's parents as your own.......and that you shouuld keep your wife in control so that she will always cater to your needs.....and that way she'll never take you away from us....and the family will be kept intact ( no matter how ridiculous the tought).

The older you get, the more fixed in your ways you become. Your father-in-law may not change...........your husband is young and could try to improve things.........but unfortunately he simply DOES NOT see that there is something wrong with his upbringing. What he seese as "love" is actually (IMO) is a form of control to an extent. He doesn't realize that his parents over-the-top protection is hurting him in the long run because it's keeping him DEPENDENT upon them.

What on earth will he do if his parents pass away tomorrow???? Of course if you suggest that to him.......he might either scream at you.........or tattle to his parents and get them to shout at you for this........while he quietly watches you being insulted.

I think your husband's biggest problem is that he's too dependent upon his parents that he can't think for himself. SO.........try this out. When you see your husband taking independent decisions....and thinking for himself.......praise/encourage him. That will hopefully give him the confidence to make decisions on his own....and become an independent thinker.

When you see your husband upholding views that are CORRECT but different from his parents.............praise him. When you see him doing something right on his own... (defending someone) that his parents are puutting down.....praise him. Who knows? Apart from making him stronger.......this could help him build more trust in you and strengthen your relationship with him. He is so attached to mom and dad that they are like the only people he trusts.....it wouuld be healthy for him to learn to trust himself and others like his wife.

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ju are so evil … :naraz: m so disappointed