Social services have been involved - they have been sending police to check up on us. Dad’s behaviour not changing at all but he is trying to be good to us in a natak way. I listened to advice and left home one day last month after a row with my father. I went to the police who said they couldn’t help me - stayed the night in a hotel and the next day went home because my mother was dying - litteraly. I didn’t have a job - I didn’t have anything on me. The police rather turned me away. So I came back home.
In the meantime I have got a permanent job. Social worker has made tensions bigger not because they are wrong - because my dad still blaming my mum for everything. they did section 47 and a child protection conference. i have evidence of my dad being abusive and all. but
muj me himet nai haaa …i just don have any strength to do anything. i cant do it anymore. i feel like my heads gonna explode.
police came around today morning to check up - dad says --i dnt want them to come tomorrow and arrest me so its better i jst leave - so get a suitcase ready and whoever wants to come with me can come with me and whoever wants to go with mum can go with her. then he crys and tries control it. he has mental health problems but there is no cure for it. he does care for us in his weird twisted way but he thinks my mums a dog. i can b strong when someone shouts /hits screams at me but i cant stand crying. i cant stand the fact that i have made him cry - we have hurt our father. i cant do that . oh allah i think possibly i /we are the dis obdieant ones. i cant stand tears . he hasn’t said nothing to mum just told me and my sis that he will go away from us. but why shud i at 20 have to decide things like this. if he goes - i hurt him - if he stays - we hurt him. we r so bad - allah will chuck in hell fire. i never hurt anyone bt today we made him tear up.
OP, I've been following your threads for a while. You've first taken the right step by contacting the authorities. Remember how you used to be scared of doing even that? It means that you are slowly and surely starting to change yourself, and getting some guts. As for your father crying, that is nothing by manipulation on his part. You need to see through that. I hope I haven't confused you with another poster, but your father's other family left him too...exactly for these reasons. And he knows what it's like when that happens, so he's trying to emotionally blackmail you and your mother and your siblings, so he still has someone to boss around. Don't lose hope just yet. Unfortunately things don't change overnight. Your father certainly isn't going to. You are not bad. Even Allah doesn't condone parents who make the lives of their spouses and their children a living hell.
Im sorry for all the problems your facing right now. May Allah swt make it easier on you. I'm also 20 but cant even imagine what i would do if i was going through what you are. I will definitely remember you in my prayers iA.
I actually do not even know what advice to give you other than be patient and have faith in god.
Social services have been involved - they have been sending police to check up on us. Dad's behaviour not changing at all but he is trying to be good to us in a natak way. I listened to advice and left home one day last month after a row with my father. I went to the police who said they couldn't help me - stayed the night in a hotel and the next day went home because my mother was dying - litteraly. I didn't have a job - I didn't have anything on me. The police rather turned me away. So I came back home.
In the meantime I have got a permanent job. Social worker has made tensions bigger not because they are wrong - because my dad still blaming my mum for everything. they did section 47 and a child protection conference. i have evidence of my dad being abusive and all. but
muj me himet nai haaa ...i just don have any strength to do anything. i cant do it anymore. i feel like my heads gonna explode.
police came around today morning to check up - dad says --i dnt want them to come tomorrow and arrest me so its better i jst leave - so get a suitcase ready and whoever wants to come with me can come with me and whoever wants to go with mum can go with her. then he crys and tries control it. he has mental health problems but there is no cure for it. he does care for us in his weird twisted way but he thinks my mums a dog. i can b strong when someone shouts /hits screams at me but i cant stand crying. i cant stand the fact that i have made him cry - we have hurt our father. i cant do that . oh allah i think possibly i /we are the dis obdieant ones. i cant stand tears . he hasn't said nothing to mum just told me and my sis that he will go away from us. but why shud i at 20 have to decide things like this. if he goes - i hurt him - if he stays - we hurt him. we r so bad - allah will chuck in hell fire. i never hurt anyone bt today we made him tear up.
I am sorry to hear that but do u have a relative who can intervene? like an uncle or aunt? do not listen to every Tom, Dick and Harry - they are not going to let to reconcile . Find a trustworthy and intelligent relative who can intervene and help u guys reconcile.
Of what good are those tears if his if he's beating up your mom and constantly putting her down and making her cry? If it's a pattern you' e seen repeat itself over and over again, then see it for what is.
Of what good are those tears if his if he's beating up your mom and constantly putting her down and making her cry? If it's a pattern you' e seen repeat itself over and over again, then see it for what is.
In disputes like this, you do not draw conclusions that fast. Have you heard the Father Side of the story? Are you for reconciliation or break ups? The family needs mediation and counselling and not break up.
The above is just my opinion and also we all have to admit that we only have access to like just 10 percent ( or perhaps even less) info provided by coffee girl. We lack details and are unable to judge and advise.
In disputes like this, you do not draw conclusions that fast. Have you heard the Father Side of the story? Are you for reconciliation or break ups? The family needs mediation and counselling and not break up.
I don't see that I have made a "conclusion" as to whether the marriage should be continue or that they should break up. Will we ever hear the father's side of the story? Will he be logging into GS anytime soon? Nope. We have only what OP tells us and she is the one who will be presenting the "sides" in the story...and so far dad's side has been called a "natak." :( She said that dad has mental health problems and so maybe his perceptions and interpretations and reactions (tears) to situations tend to be skewed or not what is more typical of a someone with a more balanced mind......so this means that his reactions (tears) should also be seen in light of illness if its something he really struggles with. I am addressing the tears here when I say "see it for what it is" and even then I added the condition that IF it's a frequent pattern of behavior. I certainly did not pass a verdict on the marriage. My "mistake" was that I thought I that she had specified the abuse when she hadn't....so I was hasty in that regard. I vaguely recall that she had trouble with dad in the past, but even so at this point I am not pushing for reconciliation nor splitting up.
First of all, good for you for taking a step and getting a job to support yourself.
Secondly, your father has certain duties towards you guys as well. He can cry but his actions speak louder and if he makes no effort to reconcile with your mother or try to take care of you all like he should have been doing - then what good are his tears? To be honest, people hardly change and since your mother is also ill, you need to be even stronger and form a bond with your siblings. I know it's tough and there's a lot to deal with, especially now with social services but you cannot blame yourself for another person's behaviour. Your parents relationship is not your fault and neither is how your father has acted for the past years. That's all on him.
The only thing you can do right now, is reach out to someone who you trust and can talk to - and please share your feelings with them. It's definitely not healthy for you to blame yourself and don't bottle everything up inside either. Take each day a step at a time and let your father know your plans strictly. I'm sure he knows of your mother's health so he can't really be expecting you all to pack up and leave her alone.
I am sorry to hear that but do u have a relative who can intervene? like an uncle or aunt? do not listen to every Tom, Dick and Harry - they are not going to let to reconcile . Find a trustworthy and intelligent relative who can intervene and help u guys reconcile.
I am sorry to hear that but do u have a relative who can intervene? like an uncle or aunt? do not listen to every Tom, Dick and Harry - they are not going to let to reconcile . Find a trustworthy and intelligent relative who can intervene and help u guys reconcile.
My father holds grudges with everyone - especially the elders of the family. We are outcasts because to our face he says none of the family are right but behind our backs - he is with them. If we get a relative or friend to intervene - he calls them non muslim because they are creating more fisad.
Anyone who actually wants to hear my dad's side of the story. I have recordings of him which will tell you his side of the story. So anyone who wants to listen to them - inbox me - bear in mind you must know punjabi in order to understand.
My father holds grudges with everyone - especially the elders of the family. We are outcasts because to our face he says none of the family are right but behind our backs - he is with them. If we get a relative or friend to intervene - he calls them non muslim because they are creating more fisad.
Ok so he is bringing religion in to it.....how about getting the local imam into confidence. Does your mosque provide some sort of family counselling? May be he will listen to them.
Has he sought medical/professional help? If so, what exactly is the diagnosis and is he seeking treatment? You said your mom is literally dying....has she been physically harmed? Your post alludes to abuse but to what extent OP?
You've been so brave. I really didn't think you would do something because it's so tough to go against family but you made such brave move. It may not seem like you're getting results now but inshallah you're paving a way for a life that you'll live on your own terms and with happiness.
There is a reason why people go back to abusers even though it's hell on earth. There's still an emotional attachment that you can't break. If your father's tears were real he would never have raised his hands on his family. He should have tears in his eyes for hurting you and not his own discomfort.
It's also unfair that you're expected to lose one parent over the other. People separate all the time that doesn't mean their children have to choose. If your mother makes a move to separate then why should you suffer. That's not a rational behaviour.
Please stay strong. You're doing a great job to cope. If you want to negotiate anything do get in a point that your father needs to get his mental health checked.
It’s just so difficult to explain.
No I can’t get mosque involved because my dad thinks the whole world is his enemy and all the imams and people in our community especially have no clue what they are talking about when it comes to Islam.
He thinks the neighbours complained to NSPCC - and he is upset about how the community have created this tension in his house - at the child protection conference - an english teacher said (why can’t your child marry a non muslim if she wishes, ) and he has taken it as a direct attack on Islam - I have no clue how it relates but apparently it does. He has tried to get in touch with the press --with anybody.
Dad believes that neighbours have put on a pretend fight in their house and got the kids involved and then called the police and said that its next door - not us -we don’t fight …in an effort to frame us they set it all up.
The other reason why I don’t want to get help from community is that --at the child protection conference ..my old teachers from my islamic school were present who knew a lot of what was happening in my family ( the fact that we were always odd and had different restrictions to the rest of the girls) but none of them spoke about it. They all denied it and pretended like it was ok. They brushed it under the carpet and because of this I have completley lost my faith in someone ‘islamic’ helping us.
In disputes like this, you do not draw conclusions that fast. Have you heard the Father Side of the story? Are you for reconciliation or break ups? The family needs mediation and counselling and not break up.
It's NEVER ok to beat your wife or force your kids to marry.. As for reconciliation, that's all well and good IF the end result is a better life for those involved..
Islam doesn't support staying a battered housewife or abused child just for the sake of keeping the family together..
It's NEVER ok to beat your wife or force your kids to marry.. As for reconciliation, that's all well and good IF the end result is a better life for those involved..
Islam doesn't support staying a battered housewife or abused child just for the sake of keeping the family together..
OOO please do not put words my mouth...I never said its ok to beat anybody. Looks like you have already made a decision and too inflexible to change it. Do not bring islam into the picture. This is a domestic issue and not an Islamic one.
Based on your old posts, your dad definitely sounds like a narcissitic parent. There are plenty of forums and support groups online where you can share your own stories and learn from others’ experiences.
Since you feel like everyone around you has either failed you, or isn’t help to you because of your father’s actions, I would suggest going through it alone, but with the support of your mother and your siblings. Unfortunately, you have to choose. And I think you know what the decision is and you’ve already made it up, even though you don’t want to accept it. For you, the decision is to go with your mom and siblings, and put this nightmare behind. Your dad will always be your dad, but that’s it. He hasn’t been a father to you, and the future isn’t going to be perfect and peaceful either once everyone moves out and away from him, but, it will definitely be a lot more better and perhaps easier.