I am not a happy camper these days [split]

[redvelvet]

@somehowcollide

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG, I am laughing/crying again and now my sister is here too and she’s giggling high pitched, because – redvelvet are YOU secretly ME?

Let me tellll you about all the ruckus my accents cause. Personally, I love talking in accents at Walmart. That’s probably the best place, department stores are nice too, but they aren’t as saturated. (side note: I think I’m boycotting Walmart & Sam’s Club because of their unethical business practices, neglecting employees, etc. etc.) The craft aisles are particularly nice because here are these unsuspecting shoppers looking for crochet hooks, or buttons, or yards of charmeuse silk to make a throw pillow with, and there’s this lil’ old Indian girl talking like just finished slurping up a bowl of Pho (which is quite possible, because, regardless of my accent, I really like Pho). And then you see them staring out of their peripherals, which only encourages me more. Most of the time my sister scuttles away, leaving me high and dry. My fiance won’t put up with it all. Beechara, he says “Somehowcollide, why do you do this stuff?!” I remind him it was this was the “stuff” that he fell in love with so he better fall in line and pass me my chopsticks.

Another great opportunity to use your accent, as you’ve so cleverly mentioned redvelvet is when telemarketers call. I always pull out the dadi-ma accent. First you make them repeat the name of the person they are asking for as if you can’t hear. Once they are throughly annoyed by that, you inform them, regretfully, “Oh nooooooo, Amin no home! Nooooo. Calling later please.” And the best is if they ask you to take down the number. I’ve had many, many people hang up on me because because I kept confusing 1-800 for one and hundred.

And speaking of ebonics, how do you think Fuschia talks? My ebonics is exemplary, if I don’t say so myself. OMG, have you seen Bon Qui Qui? She’s my idol. I’m sure you have, but I’m linking you anyway, because that video is worth an encore.

And Magdelena kills Fuschia. So I’m going to go starting working on a new alter ego and she’s going to be awesome. I’m thinking Jamaican, mon.

Wooooow, the similarities!!! Jamaican accent is fun. How about a Jamaican woman name Trudy who puts a play on the word, “Jamaican”? Like “Ja–maican me crazy, Maan (Mon)!” Get it?

Thanks for the wonderful tips on how to use my accents in stores, looking forward to try em out soon…I’m thinking the next place for me might be Joann’s fabric store! Hmm.

About telemarketers, you know what else I like to do? I pretend to be interesed in the deal and make them explain everything and go through the whole questionnaire…and then tell them in the end that I’m NOT interested. It’s a cruel cruel thing to do to lead them on like that. Last time I told a desi dish network telemarketer that I don’t have a tv because I live in a cave. He was interested in my lifestyle and wanted to know what I did for amusement in my cave without a television. SO I provided him a list of activities that don’t require technology. He laughed and wished me a good day. NOW that makes a GOOD telemarketer. I really appreciate the fact that he took out his sweet time to humor me…the other ones are too uptight and hang up too soon

The other stunt that I like to pull is what I call, “Jacket Baby.” I came up with it myself. See my sister and I were going to watch a movie one night…when she was bugging me for some reason. SO I told her to watch out or I’ll just have to do the Jacket Baby. She was confused, so I took off my favorite hoodie jacket and held it in my arm as if it were a baby and started crooning out loud to the “baby”. Since it was in public…and a few people were around…my sister quit bugging me and immediately started treating me with the utmost flattering respect, I tell you! After all, it’s mortifying to be seen in public with an insane women cooing sweet words to a jacket! I mean, imagine if a stranger actually comes up to you to admire your “baby?”

And here’s another fun idea. Take a word in English and make it sound really fobby-desi…and say it in that manner in public. It’s best to use common words. I like to take the word “excuse me”…and then I morph it into something super gay like “Eckus----skyoooz…me” and say it like that when I “accidentally” bump into people. LOOOL!!!

What can I say? I’m a big kid. My younger sister is more prim and proper than me. My mom says she should have had her first and me last.