i always wished that my life would get better when i will get married. ever since i was kid i imagined my self getting married at the age of 18 and get away from my family and live with my husband who would love and care for me. (despite the fact i am not pretty)
but i am 24 and unmarried because there hasn't been a decent proposal. :(
the problem is that i get very jealous and unhappy when i see happy people. friends, family, and even the people i don't know like if i read a news about a tv actor getting marry or something.
one of my friends just got married, she is a year younger than me and the youngest sister so she is very ladli. i have always envied her, and now she has gotten married so that is constantly making me depressed.
it's not that i don't want her to be happy, i wish her a happy life. and i also know that ALLATHALA has different plans for everyone and when my time will come i will be married and happy. but i still get depressed and constantly feel unhappy.
i hate my self, i hate being such a horrible person, but i just can't help feeling sad.
what should i do?
How do you know for certain that life will get BETTER once you get married? Why do you deem marriage as the solution to all your problems? That is neither a reasonable nor a healthy outlook.
I'm not saying that you will have a bad marriage. I sincerely hope that your marriage is a successful one. But......there ARE girls who got married at an age that desi society would highly approve of..............and they're miserable.
Only a couple of days ago, I was talking to a friend of mine who said that marriage is not all that. She has a good marriage and would not dream of leaving her husband and child.....but what she meant was that marriage is hard work and it has its responsibilities. I have a friend who got married at 18 to a guy who was 7 years older than her and she converted to Islam. They've been married for maybe 10 years or more and have 3 children. She loves her husband......she wouldn't want to leave him or the kids.......but even she had said that society has made marriage over-rated or glamorous.....when in actuality it has its mundane ups and downs like every relationship. Yes, marriage has its PLUS POINTS...................but it's certainly not the be-all/end-all cure to life's problems.
****And keep in mind that it's human nature to desire what we don't have........and then when we achieve what desired...........we'll sometimes wish things were different or we'll miss our previous state.
The issue with you is not that you're single or that you find yourself to be unattractive. Rather, your problem is lack of self-confidence. Even if the most good looking person had zero confidence...........he or she will turn off others. An average looking person might even appear attractive to others if he/she exudes a healthy amount of confidence and displays a positive attitude. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
The people who have the audacity to tell you to your face that you're unattractive..................who the HELL do they think THEY THEMSELVES are? Some sort of hoor-paris? What does that say about their characters? Forgive me for saying this sweetheart, but your mother is a weak woman. Whenever she gets into spats with your grandmother.......she takes it out on you. A stronger/sensible person would be better able to control their emotions and reflect over the damage that they're doing. And she hasn't learned from that. Perhaps your mom feels INSECURE about her own self..........and her criticism of YOU is only a reflection of her own self-doubts and insecurities. And people who frequently criticize others openly................usually do it because they are jealous and because they are not secure about themselves. This may not appear obvious to you because they can manage to put on a fake exterior of confidence.....when their insides are very flimsy. Think about that.
If you're concerned about your looks..............a few simple changes can make a difference. Such as wearing shape/cut/style of clothing that flatters your figure...........cutting your hair in a style that flatters your face.......even accessories (jewelry and purse) can add a bit of flair. Make up techniques that play up your positive features. For example......if you don't like your nose, but have attractive eyes........enhance the eyes. And in my opinion even makeup won't be able to help you out much if you don't eat healthy, sleep well, exercise, and reduce stress, etc. So, the basics have to be in place, for the other things to help enhance the overall appearance.
^These are just some tips...........but even they won't do much for you if you don't have confidence. Marriage will require a lot of strength and confidence from you.........to be able to stand up for yourself...........to know what your rights are........to maintain your own individual identity while learning to compromise with another person. And if you don't have confidence now when you're single...........it will be challenging in a marriage.
Your mom is perhaps 40-50-60 something years old. She has had that many years of being the person that she is. It will be very tough for her to change her ways. She probably learned all her criticism from her own mother (your nani) and is repeating it with you. You can lecture her that what she's doing is wrong and hurtful till the cows come home...........but it won't make much of a difference unless she herself chooses to snap out of it. Sometimes when people tell us we're ugly/stupid/inadequate (due to their own insecurities).........we end up believing their words. So, stand taller, walk taller, focus on your positive qualities. And the next time someone puts you down, try standing up for yourself. Be confident. Don't just focus on your looks. Develop your character and mind and other areas of your personality. You're not only going to need your looks in a relationship, you'll also need your mind and personality.
And lastly, you'll get married when Allah wills it. We don't have control over everything in life. So, seek peace and help by praying to Him. It's better to get married later in life to the RIGHT person rather than getting married at "18" or in your early 20's to the WRONG person. Marry someone whom you find compatible..............don't settle for someone you don't like that much just to fulfill desi society's standards and to appease pressuring family members.
Both of my parents have really outgrown that and are much more supportive now, and I probably take better care of my appearance now than I did in the past. Well, only for work. If I’m not at work, I don’t care about putting on make-up or doing my hair so I look as I look, and I don’t give a *%$#.