Re: Husbands-StringPuppets-why?
Go and say sorry...be an angel in front of him to his mother just like his mother is in front of her son.
Reminds me of the kahavat:
Rani hooee divani, susaral walon par pathar maara aur maika walon par phool phaykha :halo:…
Re: Husbands-StringPuppets-why?
In a few years... the mother in laws would be computer savvy enough to come and claim husbands are string puppets of their beloved wives.
Hi! Y some of the husbands always listen n do whatever their mothers say n don't bother about their wives even if they r right? I mean in my case, whenever ther is any problem I share it with my hubby, he do listen to me but then after listening to hi mom he comes to me and ask me to sorry her. Although I'm not at mistake. I always talk to him politely n try to explain him n make him understand the right n wrong, he understands, but still asks me to say sorry saying "tum ne yahan rehna hai tum vhhoti ho so say sorry to Ami" y? I want to go out fir drive, my mil makes mood, n he will say we r not going. Y? Wat should I do? How do I make him realize he hurts me n does wrong? N on top of everything HE IS AN ADVOCATE still can't do justice to me. Plz help me out.
gullible ,
stop complaining 2 ur husband , its obvious if he didnt listen or paid attention 2 the issues u have in his house ... he wud neva listen , not 2day 2moro or ever , as long as his mother is alive . so just calm ur nerves n try not to take it so seriously ... one word of advise .. try 2 distance ur self frm the husband , be nice 2 him prepare his food etc do the usual chores but dstance urself physically ... he sud realise that since ur mentally upset he cant have his way .... but try not to make it look intentional , physical n mental exhaustion is a pretty valid excuse ... this is the only way 2 make a man realise that the wife is in pain .... only ur words n endless arguements wont get u anywhere.
Re: Husbands-StringPuppets-why?
Thats what happens when you get married.
I don't know, Gullible. I find your story and MANY other similar in-laws stories to be disgusting, disturbing and disheartening even. I don't know what the most effective solution to this problem would be. You can try various strategies.
**1) **You could go to your parents' home for a few days. And when your husband comes to pick you up.....................HAVE A DISCUSSION WITH YOUR HUSBAND IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR PARENTS. It needs to be an open and civilized discussion. YOUR HUSBAND......needs to see that you have parents who are there to support you when injustices are taking place. There's no need for this discussion to get messy. You can start it off by telling him that you derive no pleasure from saying negative things about his mom, but things are taking a toll on you. During this discussion YOUR PARENTS could put stronger emphasis on getting a maid. And they could even ASK YOUR HUSBAND......."Why are we being prevented from getting a maid for our own daughter. How would you feel if someone prevented you from buying something for your own child? If you're not helping our daughter.....then why prevent her parents from helping her? Would it be fair if someone prevented your mother from helping her children?" Keep the tone calm........and have a civil discussion. And it should not end until some sort of compromise is reached.
2) Or have a discussion in which YOUR PARENTS......YOUR HUSBAND.......and MIL are all in the same room. Maybe your MIL thinks that since your parents have not confronted her....that she is the all powerful on. Well........get your parents to have a face-to-face meeting with her.....where you and your husband are also a part of this meeting.
**3) **If you need to..........get an Imam. Although since Pakistan is such a male-dominated culture.....sometimes I wonder if an imam would be able to understand a wife's concerns.
4) Has anyone tried videotaping or recording their toxic in-laws. I understand it's an invasion of privacy.....but for good reason. And I know it sounds a bit too filmi. But it could provide a stubborn non-believing husband with evidence. It would be interesting to hear from one who has tried this strategy.
5) Be nice to your sisters-in-law...........KILL THEM with kindness. Help them out. Compliment them. Praise them. Do the same with your MIL. And maybe they'll start behaving like decent human beings.
6) Try Mabrook's sneaky tricks. When you're overwhelmed with the children........hand them over to the devilish daadi. Give you MIL some work to do. And do it sweetly. If she complains....give her a slight guilt trip by reminding her she's a dadi and dadis love to hang out with their grandkids and spoil them. When she becomes overwhelmed..........maybe she'll realize you need a maid.
7) Take a break from hubby, go live with your parents.......until he realizes that some changes need to take place. If that's not going to work..........then continue being the bigger person.......continue being nice to them..........and pray to Allah that He have mercy on you and help you out of your situation.
Re: Husbands-StringPuppets-why?
^ AH the classic blackmailing hubby in front of Girls parents! lol
^ AH the classic blackmailing hubby in front of Girls parents! lol
I understand that sometimes the daughter-in-law can be the trouble-maker. BUT......in this scenario......if the poster chooses to resort to involving her parents........it's because the hubby and his own mother aren't giving her basic respect.
MILS don't always think of "what goes around comes around".......they don't think to themselves, "Gee, what if MY OWN DAUGHTER was treated like crap by her in-laws." And husbands don't always think "Man, would I want my own sister to be treated like dirt by her in-laws and husband?" or "Would I want my own daughter to be treated like this in the future?"
People have no sharam....no haya.....no FREAKING CONSCIENCE! Why is it blackmailing if a girl turns to her parents? It is the most natural thing in the world. Out of ALL the relationships in the world.......it is your parents/immediate family that a child (son or daughter) should be able to turn to during hardships. It's classic in the sense that it's a very natural thing.
ok Gulluble i do understand some ppl think the tricks i gave u on other thread r all drama-baazi. but i speak from experience only n i have seen the worst. i'm sure i can write a whole book on it.
i'll re-emphasize somethings here again
1- if he says say sorry then say sorry even if u r completely innocent( u r doing it to gain HIS trust)
2. never ever talk to ur fil against ur mil, sil or even hubby(he'll never take ur side)
3. honest communication never works in ur situation. u hav to b diplomatic n tactful. "diamond cuts diamond" & "tit for tat" remeber that
4. do not isolate urself from ur inlaws. keep mingling even if they don't show u they like it.this is wat they want. they don't talk u talk. they don't reply u don't care. they taunt u smile.( the distant u get the united they'll b)
5. whenever ur hubby talks in favour of ur mil,sil never ever explain or give ur side of story. listen n agree or stay quiet but say nothing. (saying anything will make no diff at all.)
6. Don't raise ur kids alone. the more u share them with ur inlaws the better will b for u n them( kids bring ppl together)
7. find ppl inside inlaws that r easy to b friends with. start with them. make them ur buddies n then move ur way up the ladder from there
8. don't whine inside ur bedroom. only make him happy. do things that strengthen ur bond. don't waste a min discussing family issues in ur privacy. if he tries hush him with a killing smile n divert him.try new things, massages, fun fights, writing msg on mirror with shaving creams/lipsticks, tell jokes, dance on music watever it takes. the happier he's from u mentally, emotinally n sexually the more supportive he'll become
now u might think i want u to live under pressure n b their slave but NO. u r going to b planning for the long run. for bigger Joys u r scarifising small joys.
Dharlay se reho, apni he kero but meethi zuban rekho n jahan jhukna para for the time jhuk jayo. don't care for ur mil's mood until ur hubby says so. once he says we won't do it coz of mom change ur plan. if he feels nothing keep on with ur plan.
bring things to the level where u say nothing but ur husband sees it n takes ur stand urself. it won't happen right away ,. he might not take ur open stands for yrs to come but u'll see huge diff.
ur mil n fil won't live for ever. its u n ur kids who will be with ur hubby at the end.
finally it all boils down to "ager is gher main rehna hai tu" meaning "ager meray saath rehna hai...." so u want him or u want ur mil to win over. u decide.
PS: Read HUSBUN-ALLAH-E-WA-NAIM-UL-WAKEEL, NAIMUL-MAULANA WA NAIM-UN-NASEER all the time.
I understand that sometimes the daughter-in-law can be the trouble-maker. BUT......in this scenario......if the poster chooses to resort to involving her parents........it's because the hubby and his own mother aren't giving her basic respect.
MILS don't always think of "what goes around comes around".......they don't think to themselves, "Gee, what if MY OWN DAUGHTER was treated like crap by her in-laws." And husbands don't always think "Man, would I want my own sister to be treated like dirt by her in-laws and husband?" or "Would I want my own daughter to be treated like this in the future?"
People have no sharam....no haya.....no FREAKING CONSCIENCE! Why is it blackmailing if a girl turns to her parents? It is the most natural thing in the world. Out of ALL the relationships in the world.......it is your parents/immediate family that a child (son or daughter) should be able to turn to during hardships. It's classic in the sense that it's a very natural thing.
So without looking at the MILS side of the argument you are willing to take your Hubster in front of your parents and proclaiming you're always going to be right? Isn't that double standards velvet?
So without looking at the MILS side of the argument you are willing to take your Hubster in front of your parents and proclaiming you're always going to be right? Isn't that double standards velvet?
Read thoroughly please.
I even suggested in my post that a discussion can take place with the darling MIL present......along with the DIL and her parents.....and her husband.
And I emphasized having a calm discussion........not to point fingers and say that "I'm right, it's my way or the highway". I made the point that a compromise needs to be reached by both parties.
And........did you bother reading Gullible's post? Not only in this thread, but her previous one? If you had read it thoroughly............I'm surprised that you'd hurl the "classic blackmailing" accusation if a girl wants to turn to her parents for support (since she's not getting it from hubby and in-laws). You totally failed to take into account the abuse/blackmailing/manipulation.........that the MIL has been doing.............but didn't hesitate to accuse the bahu of blackmailing if she got tired of the crap and wanted help from her parents.
At least....I even suggested involving all parties in reaching a compromise. You on the other hand........seem like the kind who would rather that a woman put up with it...and not open her mouth to complain to anyone...not even the people who raised her.
ok Gulluble i do understand some ppl think the tricks i gave u on other thread r all drama-baazi. but i speak from experience only n i have seen the worst. i'm sure i can write a whole book on it. i'll re-emphasize somethings here again 1- if he says say sorry then say sorry even if u r completely innocent( u r doing it to gain HIS trust) 2. never ever talk to ur fil against ur mil, sil or even hubby(he'll never take ur side) 3. honest communication never works in ur situation. u hav to b diplomatic n tactful. "diamond cuts diamond" & "tit for tat" remeber that 4. do not isolate urself from ur inlaws. keep mingling even if they don't show u they like it.this is wat they want. they don't talk u talk. they don't reply u don't care. they taunt u smile.( the distant u get the united they'll b) 5. whenever ur hubby talks in favour of ur mil,sil never ever explain or give ur side of story. listen n agree or stay quiet but say nothing. (saying anything will make no diff at all.) 6. Don't raise ur kids alone. the more u share them with ur inlaws the better will b for u n them( kids bring ppl together) 7. find ppl inside inlaws that r easy to b friends with. start with them. make them ur buddies n then move ur way up the ladder from there 8. don't whine inside ur bedroom. only make him happy. do things that strengthen ur bond. don't waste a min discussing family issues in ur privacy. if he tries hush him with a killing smile n divert him.try new things, massages, fun fights, writing msg on mirror with shaving creams/lipsticks, tell jokes, dance on music watever it takes. the happier he's from u mentally, emotinally n sexually the more supportive he'll become
now u might think i want u to live under pressure n b their slave but NO. u r going to b planning for the long run. for bigger Joys u r scarifising small joys.
Dharlay se reho, apni he kero but meethi zuban rekho n jahan jhukna para for the time jhuk jayo. don't care for ur mil's mood until ur hubby says so. once he says we won't do it coz of mom change ur plan. if he feels nothing keep on with ur plan.
bring things to the level where u say nothing but ur husband sees it n takes ur stand urself. it won't happen right away ,. he might not take ur open stands for yrs to come but u'll see huge diff.
ur mil n fil won't live for ever. its u n ur kids who will be with ur hubby at the end. finally it all boils down to "ager is gher main rehna hai tu" meaning "ager meray saath rehna hai...." so u want him or u want ur mil to win over. u decide.
PS: Read HUSBUN-ALLAH-E-WA-NAIM-UL-WAKEEL, NAIMUL-MAULANA WA NAIM-UN-NASEER all the time.
I love everything you said...especially the bolded part...brilliant...just brilliant.
Read thoroughly please.
I even suggested in my post that a discussion can take place with the darling MIL present......along with the DIL and her parents.....and her husband.
And I emphasized having a calm discussion........not to point fingers and say that "I'm right, it's my way or the highway". I made the point that a compromise needs to be reached by both parties.
And........did you bother reading Gullible's post? Not only in this thread, but her previous one? If you had read it thoroughly............I'm surprised that you'd hurl the "classic blackmailing" accusation if a girl wants to turn to her parents for support (since she's not getting it from hubby and in-laws). You totally failed to take into account the abuse/blackmailing/manipulation.........that the MIL has been doing.............but didn't hesitate to accuse the bahu of blackmailing if she got tired of the crap and wanted help from her parents.
At least....I even suggested involving all parties in reaching a compromise. You on the other hand........seem like the kind who would rather that a woman put up with it...and not open her mouth to complain to anyone...not even the people who raised her.
Why do i get the feeling that the Mother in law is held in contempt in this?
Is there anything like couple's counceling in Pakistan? Sometimes it requires a qualified third person's view to make your realize your strengths and your faults.
All I know is that an unhealthy relationship between wife, husband and inlaws can take a toll on one's health and lead to depression and lack of self esteem. Not good things to add on top of an already strenuous relationship.
Re: Husbands-StringPuppets-why?
bebo in our cultural system counsellings don't work n the more u involve third parties the more dramatic things become n its like a huge mess with no positive results.
yes if there's someone Mil respects or listens can make effect but y take things outside house. "gher ka kora baher nahi phainkna chahiay" the whole neighbourhood gets smelly.
Re: Husbands-StringPuppets-why?
get your MIL something...i.e gift.
and get your MIL on your side instead of your hubby.
bebo in our cultural system counsellings don't work n the more u involve third parties the more dramatic things become n its like a huge mess with no positive results. yes if there's someone Mil respects or listens can make effect but y take things outside house. "gher ka kora baher nahi phainkna chahiay" the whole neighbourhood gets smelly.
I disagree. I think there is a drastic need of couple counselling in Pakistan. It is confidential and helps the parties involved to develop a healthy relationship.
Thrid parties get involved one way or the other but they usually are not qualified and make things worse.
Re: Husbands-StringPuppets-why?
hav u personally tried it? share how was ur experience then.coz in Gullible's situation its not husband wife alone its whole family involved.
I will definately go to counselling if I ever need it. Just like I would go to a doctor, a dentist or a threapist because they have experties to attend to the problems in their fields.
Gullible's situation is not very different than many girls in Pakistan that is why I suggested counselling if available.
Re: Husbands-StringPuppets-why?
The thing is u will go if such a situation arise but u hav never gone or experienced this thing or seen positive outcomes urself so ur suggestions r just based on assumptions n theories not real life examples from Pak