So it’s been a while since I posted here but I’ve always received good advice on this forum so I wanted some third party unbiased feedback on my situation.
My mother in law moved in with us last year after my father in law passed away. Hubby and I also recently had a baby. I had a lot of health issues during the pregnancy and it was a difficult delivery since the baby was premature and had to stay in the NICU for a few weeks after birth. All in all, it’s been a pretty rough year for us. I would have thought having been through this would bring hubby and I closer together. Instead, we barely even talk anymore. He comes home from work and just watches TV or takes the baby to go hang out with his mom. Am I unreasonable to expect some time with hubby for just our little family? My friends have suggested setting up a weekly date night so we can go blow off some steam. My mom has even repeatedly offered to babysit so we can go out and enjoy ourselves without putting undue stress on MIL. when I brought this up with hubby he seemed on board even enthusiastic I think. But it’s been over a month since we agreed to do this and we’ve only been on one date. I feel myself getting really lonely and depressed. I dont know if it’s PPD but I just feel exhausted from all the sleepless nights with a new baby and don’t really feel like I have anything to look forward to anymore. Hubby always seems supportive and logical but when it comes to his priorities I seem to be dead last.
We have been having some financial issues since we just bought a house and I’m on mat leave for the year, so I’ve pretty much given up everything that costs money. We are running on fumes (emotionally, physically as well as financially) but he still insists that his mom not be inconvenienced. She’s never been good at saving or being thrifty even though FIL was not well off but lately she’s gotten worse and hubby won’t rein her in. We’ve also given loans to both of hubby’s siblings and he refuses to ask for the money back even though we need it right now. MIL has also been buying expensive presents for her family with our money (we have to give separate presents on our behalf too so that’s double the cost). Both siblings are equally irresponsible with money and spend all theirs on fun activities, vacations and going out to eat. But when they need money for something, big brother (my hubby) is ready to take on debt to pay off theirs. Not joking, he just puts everything on a credit card and gives our cash to his family if they need it.
He’s barely meeting my basic needs but his family must have whatever they want. We’ve had some pretty big fights over this and I can see him getting stressed to the point of breaking and that breaks my heart. But still there’s barely been any changes. We also have a ton of money tied up in MIL’s house (50k of MY money) which I dont think I’ll be getting back anytime soon even though hubby keeps saying he’ll take care of it. It seems we are always helping his family when they need it but no one wants to step up to the plate when we are the ones in need of help. In fact my family has given us a huge loan to help us cover the house we just bought And really all I’m asking hubby to do is to ask for OUR money back so we aren’t indebted to my family. His family seems to think he’s their cash cow and all this is really stressing me out and giving me sleepless nights and high blood pressure.
Sorry for the novel but I needed to vent. Any advice?
Re: Husband’s attention
I’ve also been thinking a lot about writing a will because I’m legitimately concerned about what will happen if something happens to one or both of us. A friend suggested having a secret will (even from hubby) saying I want all my money going to my baby and have the baby’s guardian be my family. But not sure how practical that is.
Also if I die, all my finances are so closely tied with hubby’s, so how will they be distinguished so that my money doesn’t end up being given to his family? Hubby doesn’t have much money of his own since almost all his spare cash has been given to one or other of his family members. The house we bought is almost entirely my savings and loan from my folks.
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I am really sorry to hear you are going through a tough phase.
I can understand where you are coming from. Many women develop feelings of loneliness, unworthiness or even depression after childbirth. In your case things have been extra difficult e.g. difficult labor, stay in NICU, lack of support from husband and relatives, financial issues etc.
What you describe does not suggest your husband is totally ignoring you or oblivious to your needs or expectation, for example, he agreed you two have to spend more time together and so you went on a date but this newly found enthusiasm died down quickly. Many couples feel disinterested in each other and might suffer from lack of libido after having children. Your husband is also suffering from other stresses e.g loss of his father, having to look after his mother, financial problems, and debts etc. All these problems might make it difficult for him to bond with you or spend more time with you. I know its not your fault but these things happen to many men. Many men still love their wives but find it impossible to express with words or physical affection especially when they are under lot of stress.
I would suggest not to bring the situation with your MIL or your husband’s siblings into any discussion for time being, at least not initially, as it could backfire depending how close your husband is to his family.
I think you need to communicate with your husband more and explain how you are feeling and what are you going through at the moment. Writing down your thoughts can help. Also offer to discuss any problems your husband might be facing that he may be keeping hidden from you in order to save you from causing further stress. He might need to open up and discuss his issues as well. Offer to listen to his worries, share the sorrow and plan a way out together, after all you two are soul mates. It works both ways. Mutual discussion and reflection on whatever that has happened and happening now and how to resolve the issues together is the right thing to do in my opinion.
Be his warmth, his comfort, and his strength, and he will be your rock. Once you two have taken in each others problems and expectations, and start to work towards building a more harmonious and functional life together, you can slowly discuss and make him realize his responsibilities towards his wife and child.
In case after all this effort you realize there has been no change in him (and off course in you if he has his own concerns about you which you are currently unaware of), then you might need to involve a mediator, like a marriage and relationship counselor, hope things do not come to that stage.
All the best.
Nav
Re: Husband’s attention
Thanks Nav. This is really good advice and exactly what my mom told me when I first opened up to her about our issues. I did try to be comforting and understanding and gently explain my issues to the husband. He always seems to listen and says he understands and that he’ll try to sort things out but he never gives me a plan and rarely follows through with what he says. Classic example is our plan to do a “weekly” date. I’m just so tired of always being the understanding one, the forgiving one and the planner in our relationship. I feel like I need a break from it all. But that’s not really an option.
He’s super close to his family and absolutely hates it when I say something even remotely negative about them (e.g. Their poor financial management and constant reliance on outside help). He’s made it clear that if it ever came to choosing between us, he would chose them over me. He’s quick to anger and we were in a huge fight when he said it, but I do think he meant it.
Re: Husband’s attention
I think he is finding it difficult to balance his affection towards his family and his responsibilities towards his wife. If he is naturally very close to his family and unable to tolerate any criticism even if constructive or made with right intention, it will be very difficult for you to change that.
If you cannot change things completely to your liking, then consider some compromise. May be spend some time with his family as well. You said you are on maternity leave, and I presume you have reasonable qualifications and know-how about life matters. May be you can offer some help to your in-laws in managing their finances better and those type of things. May be your increasing closeness towards his siblings might help him appreciate you more and hence spend more time with you/address your needs etc.
In the end its your marriage and you have to fix the problems in it, which may require compromise, leniency, and even sacrifice, but its totally your decision what you would like to do. Off course you can put your foot down and announce enough is enough (and I will not blame you for doing that), but than you will have to be prepared to deal with potential consequences.
Re: Husband’s attention
His behavior is very inappropriate adults should not be looking for handouts and giving them handouts is encouraging bad behavior, all the kids 16, 17,18 and 19 who hang with our kids if they misspent their monies, their parents don’t bail them out. This guy Michael was saying that he can’t drive his car for a week and I asked him why and he said he spent all his money and has to wait for payday. His mom didn’t even give him a 20 for gas. That is how you make them responsible or accountable. What kind of a man would he grow up to be if his mom bailed him out every time he made a bad decision. Your husband didn’t grow up and his siblings didnt either because of the woman living in your home. I know good desi women are supposed to put up with a lot of crap and he wont be changing anytime soon. After the baby they think the woman is trapped good and solid and things get worse. In some countries guys can take maternity leave so is it possible for you to go back to work and he stays at home?
Re: Husband’s attention
Financial realization and balance between immediate family (wife and infant) and siblings is missing. It is really sad state of affair… you guys his close family but he is running behind his siblings… helping others good… but at the cost of his own family is not good way to live life.
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There is quite a difference between aiding family members and enabling their habituating tendencies toward dependence and self indulgent behaviour… particularly when it begins to affect the financial solvency of your own immediate family unit.
Re: Husband’s attention
This really is a tough situation when husband is not meeting his prime responsibility of taking care of the financial aspect. You have taken this too far by always contributing your money for the expenses (as evident from your multiple posts), that now it has become impossible for you to say no to your husband and that frustrates you. i have seen this happening in some families, where the parents expect the sons to keep on spending money on them whose wives are also working. They have a mindset that since the bahu is earning, so she should spend her money on her needs as well as contribute to the house expenses and the son should spend on parents/siblings. The sons whose wives are not earning are often given leverage, although this is really sad mentality as Islamically as well as culturally, the wife’s needs and all household needs are to be met by the husband irrespective of whether the wife is earning herself or not.
Sadly, in your case, neither your husband understands this and neither your in-laws. i am not sure but if your husband has some inclination towards religion, then perhaps, try to have some scholar explain this to him that this is his duty to t duty to to care of his wife and kids needs. Someone wise who can make him understand that he is exploiting the rights of the wife by putting undue stress on her by having her contribute while he spends on unnecessary expenses of his mom/siblings.
I can understand that he is super close to his family and nothing wrong with that, but why can’t he see that his mom is doing injustice by making him spend all his money on them to the extent that he is indebted while giving other children a free hand a and a luxurious life
Re: Husband’s attention
So I’ve already been trying to do that. I call his sister regularly and take his mom shopping since she’s a bit of a shopaholic. But I’m not the kind of person who rubs their good deeds in people’s faces so I don’t think he really realizes this. We’ve talked about counselling a couple of times but we usually end up patching things up and promising to do better only to have the same thing happen again a few months later.
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You’ve hit the nail on the head with this. His family is so used to him being flush that I don’t think they even realize how much stress their actions have been causing us and hubby would never tell them. I sometimes think about having a frank conversation with his family but I know that might be something that will cause irreparable damage to our relationship. His mom has only recently started to realize that we aren’t actually as rich as she thinks. But all that’s done is that she just gets all depressed and spends her time imagining various aches and pains (hubby knows she’s a hypochondriac). On the flip side she’s super concerned about her other two kids. She was like I have to save for BIL’s (her younger son) wedding. Poor thing is so stressed. And my poor daughter (my SIL) is so downtrodden by her in laws and she has to work to help keeep the house afloat. She literally doesn’t realize that she’s doing the exact same thing to me! It’s so frustrating! She knows that hubby has been giving her my money but she just cries in front of him and says she wishes she could help us. In reality she does have money she could use to pay us back the money she owes us but she’s given part of it to SIL and saving the rest for BILs wedding. I know all this because she’s told me herself.
I’ve been feeling really depressed for the last few days and hubby noticed and sat me down for a chat yesterday. I told him all about how I was feeling. And you guys are right. He’s feeling really torn between his moms “needs” (read demands) and our financial well being. I explained my side of things and told him about how I can’t stop worrying about us and that if we let this fester we won’t be together for very long. He apologized and said he’ll be more cautious in the future. Obviously he can’t cut his mom off but he’ll spend on her but only as much as he can afford on his own salary. SIL and BIL will not be getting any more money from us. He’s spoken to both and asked them to pay us back what they owe us by a certain date but I don’t see them honouring it. I’ll bet my bottom dollar something will come up that will prevent them from paying us back in time and knowing hubby he’ll let them get away with it. Khair, nothing I can do about that. My friend suggested I call up his family and give them a piece of my mind and ask them to pay us back immediately. But that’s not in my nature and I feel it would do more harm than good.
Re: Husband’s attention
^^^dont older people get social security and old age benefits etc, our province has top ups also. Where do you live. Would be worth taking a look at social services.
Re: Husband’s attention
His mom isn’t a citizen and I think those benefits start after 60 anyway so she won’t qualify.
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Aren’t you being paid for maternity leave? Reading your previous threads, a large part of what you needed to do was to put your foot down. Why don’t you take the initiative and start repaying the loan your family gave you for the house. That way you can make it clear that your money is going towards paying your own debts and is therefore not available to give away as a loan. If he’s earning for both of you, then take part of that to do it at regular intervals. If she objects, tell him you (both) owe that money to your family more than you owe it to his.
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If you did not sign a bond for her she might still get some financial aide, you should call social services, my wife helped many get assistance.
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Congratulations on your new home Siren- you’ve been wanting a place of your own for so long and you’ve finally got it. I hope you get the chance to enjoy it to your and it’s full potential too.
Can’t say much about the financial situation as it’s been persistent and is now quite complex. Please don’t ignore how you feel about it though- go for couples counselling. If your husband won’t join you, go on your own. It’s an enlightening process and will teach you so much more about yourself and some of your own behaviours that have/may have contributed to the situation you’ve found yourself in. Make a will and also convince your husband to have a post nuptial agreement. You’ve got to protect yourself and your baby should the worst happen. I’m hoping it doesn’t but with your husband openly declaring that he’d side with his family if he was forced to make a choice- I’d be worried.
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This is a very common scenario among desis. It doesn’t make it right but its common. After a number of years, things change though, when the men realize that they have been made a fool of all these years. Its not about financial dependence always. Its about power! The in laws may be very well off, but they feel entitled to what their son is making. Sadly, a lot of people abuse their power this way.
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What do you think you’re saving in this “relationship” by worrying about your husband and his family’s feelings? Your husband told you, the mother of his child, that if he had to choose, he would rather be with his blood family than you. Do you really think your husband has any respect or love for you specifically? Why do you think he stays married to you? Because he actually wants to be with you OR because he doesn’t want to lose access to your income?
The money issues are not anything new. You posted about it back in 2015. Nothing has changed. Nothing will change in the future. He never cared about you enough to make any changes to his behavior back then. And it’s pretty clear that the child is also not enough for him to change.
You might as well go have a frank conversation with his family and see anything changes in their behavior. Maybe they care about the future of your child more than your husband.
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Yes that’s exactly what we are doing. My salary is reduced over mat leave since my work doesn’t top it up. But we are using all of my salary and part of his to pay off our loan. We also agreed to call in what his family owed us so we could pay off our own loan. Problem is that his family did say they’ll send us the money back asap and still haven’t despite hubby having reminded them a couple of times. I don’t get how people can be so besharam.
Thanks muspus! Even though things have sort of settled down between us, you’re right in that counselling will be beneficial for us. He’s already said he’d be willing to go if that’s what I want. I just don’t want my baby to grow up in a home where the parents are constantly fighting.
To be fair we didn’t have a kid back then and his mom had just moved in. He was giving all his time to his mom and none to me. I was also upset that we were getting zero alone time. Never went out without mommy in tow either. When I protested he said he would leave me sooner than he’d leave his mother. Not that I’d ever asked him to to leave her.
I told his mom the whole story and said we really need her to pay us back. All she said was all the money I have is meant for my other daughter and son. I’m not confrontational by nature so I’m not even sure what I could have said to that.
She also said she told hubby to sell her house so we could get our money back but when I asked hubby about this he said she was just being emotional and that she’ll change her mind later.
Re: Husband’s attention
Well I like to give credit where it’s due. Has your husband’s behavior changed since you got pregnant? Is he actually taking steps to spend more quality time with you and the baby? What has he done to show you that he cares about giving his child a financially secure future?