I just need to get things out of my system and need some advice. I feel like I am stuck.
I have been married for almost 10 years. The first few years went well. We travelled a lot and did many activities together. It was not all like a fairy tale cuz I felt that I had given up on a lot due to his opinions and wishes. Then we had our first child 5 years after marriage and it was like a roller coaster show started. I saw some new sides of my husband. I knew from before that he was very detail oriented but with a kids he started behaving even more like it. i.e I had a long discussion with him on why we need to teach our kids urdu so that they can communicate with their grand parents. To him it was not important at all. This is in adiddion to that he doesn’t value relations that much. He doesn’t call his parents. Doesn’t speak to my parents when they call. He seems like he is living in his own bubble.
Then we had another child, moved to a new house and new discussions began. He is extremely involved in the interior of the house. We have lived here for 2 years and it is still not a decorated home but just a new house with a nice exterior but a neglected interior. People come over and comment that it seems a bit empty. Hell yeah it is empty cuz hubby needs to comment every single suggestion from me on what to buy and how to decorate. It is so extreme that I don’t feel any wish to decorate my own home any longer. And I had looked so much forward to buy a new home and decorate it!!!
He is so detail oriented that he would stand behind me when I was folding clothes of my baby and putting them in the drawer that he started commenting that the children’s wardrobe should be organized in such and such way. Making me feel like I am unable to organize my kids’ wardobes!!
He reorganized all cupboards in the kitchen when I wasn’t home and showed me that this is the best and efficient way of utilizing the place. Again - making me feel like I am unable to take care of my kitchen.
He reorganized another wardrobe and labelled every drawer and box in it. Yes, it is good that he is so interested in the household but it is just too much when each and every drawer in the house is controlled by his control freakiness!!!
When I speak to my son who is soon 5 years old, he would comment that don’t talk to him like that. In front of the kids he would challenge me as an authority and the kids don’t listen to me. They listen to their father. He makes me feel like I am a bad mother because I scold at my kid. He makes me feel bad about the household when he doesn’t take into consideration my feelings around this control freakiness that he is possessed with!!!
On top of all this going on at home I work full time and am pretty stressed out. When I talk about reducing work hours he just pulls me off and tells me that I will loose money by working less but my employer will still make me work the same. As long as the money keeps coming he doesn’t seem bothered with the huge stress level I am going through with a full time job and two kids and the household.
I am just so annoyed and pissed. What good has he to offer me. He doesn’t even have a stabile family who can show care to me or my kids. Both his parents and other relatives have misbehaved with me and his reaction has only been ‘ I don’t like conflicts’ acting like a small kid closing his eyes from the outer world. WTF!!! Doesn’t he know how to protect his wife from his family’s stubid behavior.
I feel like I always have to put up with him and his family. I am the one who has to compromise on things. Be it household, interior, kids, job – he needs to have a say at every single thing. I have been so exhausted with the kids that I have ignored this for a long time. But I am fed up now. So much that I just want to leave everything and run away somewhere!!!
My family is not much of any help. They live in another country and they are too busy with their own stuff that they cant bother asking me how I am doing!!!
When I read this, my first thought that came into my mind is that, these are minor differences... the clean freakness that your husband has, can be a blessing, at least he is helping you, some husbands, do the opposite, they look for something and destroy the whole neatness or they dont care if things are messy. I would look at it as help and be happy at least there is something that is being done without me moving my fingers :D
About decorating that home, I had this same issue with my husband, he has a taste, let call it he like minium things and I felt the same that my home is unfinished, now I have adjusted, he has adjusted too, we make sure that things not over done but still look simple and easy to manage.. some people dont like over done homes,
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Another thing about working, he might have a point but if you can get a maid to come to your home todo the cleaning, then u are not very tired and can rest on weekends instead.
I think your family life is ok, small minor disputes are there in every marriage... just image if he is not there would u be happy and will u miss him, I bet u will... enjoy your life with your kids.
i would say the same thing, believe me two kids and an adult kid become so much more difficult to handle. I have to remind my husband how to do things, how to help etc. So if he is reorganizing everything around the house, consider it a blessing. I have actually considered hiring somebody to help me organize and you dont even have to worry about that.
Regarding teaching Urdu. Well if he give's you a hard time about it, tell him learning another language improves the kids learning ability and it's such a great skill to have. There are many articles to support this, and you can send him some.
Decoration, my hubby doesn't have a decorating sense, but hates me spending money on decoration. we made a deal a little while back and we stick to it often. I make the small decision and he makes the big decisions. Decorating the house is a very small decision and he should let you handle it. BUt i have a feeling this won't work with him. Have you tried letting him pick out items and decorate the house?
If managing kids, full time work and house work is too much. Tell him you have decided that you will work part time. You are too tired and dont want to work full time anymore. End of the discussion. But remember after that you can't complain to him regarding overworking etc.
Since you are both working full time, you can suggest to your husband that he be in charge of cleaning cabinets and organization plus go along with him making him feel like he is the lead in terms of decoration. But make suggestions along the way.
Do you think something in your husband's past may have triggered him to behave this way? Maybe he was bullied or neglected as a child and the urge to organize things gives him a sense of control? You mentioned he's detached from familial relations, how is his social life?
I gotta agree, some husbands make a mess of things! If he has such a good skill at organizing, let him be the one in charge! Lay back and let him design the house. If he takes on this project maybe you can have a sense of relief and focus on other things, or sneak away with teaching the kids urdu.
@OP - In essence you are making a mountain out of a molehill
Your husband has a perspective and I tend to agree with him on many counts. He does not want his kids to learn Urdu since many kids who are exposed to multiple languages in the formative years do not master a single language. It is important for the kids to assimilate and be good at English. As the kids grow older(after 7), you can introduce them to Urdu. Kids learn fast and should not be a concern for you. Maybe your choice of interiors is indeed not good and he has a better choice. Maybe he has a point. I think he would have the same frustration as you since your choices do not match.
Dont be too controlling on the kids.
Also never blame his family for what he is. There might be issues and I dont think every man behaves the way he does due to his family. He has a personality of his own and respect him for that.
While you talk about you giving up so much due to his opinions, dont you think your husband has the same to say about you.
@OP - In essence you are making a mountain out of a molehill
Your husband has a perspective and I tend to agree with him on many counts. He does not want his kids to learn Urdu since many kids who are exposed to multiple languages in the formative years do not master a single language. It is important for the kids to assimilate and be good at English. As the kids grow older(after 7), you can introduce them to Urdu. Kids learn fast and should not be a concern for you. Maybe your choice of interiors is indeed not good and he has a better choice. Maybe he has a point. I think he would have the same frustration as you since your choices do not match.
Dont be too controlling on the kids.
Also never blame his family for what he is. There might be issues and I dont think every man behaves the way he does due to his family. He has a personality of his own and respect him for that.
While you talk about you giving up so much due to his opinions, dont you think your husband has the same to say about you.
No marriage is a fairy tale and please grow up.
You must be the husband.
You have hit the nail here Glitter Bomb!! He certainly had a very difficult childhood with parents who fought extremely, a mother who took him and his sister to Pakistan against their will (where he got seriously ill and was hospitalized) because his mother wanted a divource and his father refused because he didnt want their property shared in half half after a divorce. His sister tried to kill herself cuz of all the drama between the parents and between her and her mother. It is in no way a normal family and no Wonder thaat everyone in this Family is suffering from issue or the other and coming into this family as a daughter in-law has been very difficult for me!!!especialliy when leaving behing my own Family and not having a caring family to come into at all.
In addition to the chaotic Family situation at home he was bullied at School for being Brown etc. He was the only child with foreign background in the area in addition to his sister. So the white kids bullied him a lot.
As a result to all this he isloated himself during teen age years playing a lot of video games with a few local friends from the area.
His current social life is very much a result of all the above. He didnt learn the social skills as his parents were too busy fighting and btw need to develop some social skills themselves!! He doesnt know how to deal with Pakistanis and when we socialize with Pakistanis he always tends to do or say something that makes People react that hubby is acting strange. It has taken me tons of hours to teach him the basics reg. desi culture and how to deal with desis.
He has been very firm in the beginning that he just wants to be himself in every social setting. but when he started seeing reactions I got to experience of his 'just be myself' attiude he has taken a chill pill.
I am married to really Nice person. I dont qestion that. Neither do I complain about his kindness.
What I need to vent about here is his Control freakness when it comes to Our home. And how Our social life has been impacted cuz we have been socialising a lot with his Family - both Close and distand relatives- but now we both see how they have been exploiting him and how they degrade me. I am just pissed that he never stood up for me in these settings cuz he just never picks up the typical desi passive agressive auntiy style comments.
Talk to ur hubby about his behavior. Tell him that I'd he wants he can take over the cleaninf/organizing part. This will give you some help too. That's what I did... (well, and i.left my home for 1 night but I wouldn't recommend it). Hubby has changed completely. He helps so much around the house and with the kids now. I have also learned to ignore some stuff too.
Talk to ur hubby about his behavior. Tell him that I'd he wants he can take over the cleaninf/organizing part. This will give you some help too. That's what I did... (well, and i.left my home for 1 night but I wouldn't recommend it). Hubby has changed completely. He helps so much around the house and with the kids now. I have also learned to ignore some stuff too.
We have stopped socializing With them after years of wasting my time With them. Could have socialized With other ppl and gotten to know them by now instead of being so lonely at this stage.
After I stopped socializing With them I have seen how a few of these ppl have turned to be really bad tameez aunti types saying stuff to me that really shocks me!!
We have stopped socializing With them after years of wasting my time With them. Could have socialized With other ppl and gotten to know them by now instead of being so lonely at this stage.
After I stopped socializing With them I have seen how a few of these ppl have turned to be really bad tameez aunti types saying stuff to me that really shocks me!!
If u aren't seeing them anymore, how are they saying things to you?
If u aren't seeing them anymore, how are they saying things to you?
I am not seeing them meaning I dont visit them and i dont invite them over. But I do bump into them at i.e SIL's Place (since they are her relatived) and at shopping centres etc. we live in the same area so its impossible to competely avoid them....
As far as the kids are concerned, you need to tell him quietly (without getting angry or judgmental or emotional) that you two need to support each other and present a united front in front of the kids.. Even if he disagrees with you at the time...
Get him involved.. Ask him what he thinks would be the best method to discipline your kids....if not scolding then what else...and make an honest attempt at trying it out
his unwillingness to scold the kids might be rooted in his childhood and his own home environment (i can't bring myself to fight with my husband because I hated it as a kid when my parents fought with each other and don't want to go through this now..) tell him that being their mother it really hurts you that your kids don't respect you or respond to you etc...
Be patient..like you said you are married to a really nice guy...you just need to ve gentle (and positive) in your approach and hopefully he'll start seeing things from your perspective...
As for socializing... You work na.. So maybe start with making new friends there.. Reconnect with old ones if possible... Those handful of friends your husband used to have as a teenager... Are they still around? Married?
Take your kids to the park or play area and connect with other moms... Maybe even join some sort of a class (a good way to get some me time away from husband and kids)
Seems like an arranged marriage, what a waste of a mans life where he is not loved, respected or appreciated. It seems that many eastern people don't have the appreciation of being organized and disciplined. In simple words, organization good, chaos bad, clean good, dirty bad. Also if you do things because of peoples comments than you need growing up to do. A mature person does not care what people say. You put things in the house because that is what works for you not for superficially trying to impress people. Most important thing is love and respect and if furniture is more important than your relationship than you guys need to get your priorities right.