Seems like an arranged marriage, what a waste of a mans life where he is not loved, respected or appreciated. It seems that many eastern people don't have the appreciation of being organized and disciplined. In simple words, organization good, chaos bad, clean good, dirty bad. Also if you do things because of peoples comments than you need growing up to do. A mature person does not care what people say. You put things in the house because that is what works for you not for superficially trying to impress people. Most important thing is love and respect and if furniture is more important than your relationship than you guys need to get your priorities right.
Sure love, respect and understanding is the core of a marrige!! And certainly do that. However when I have over a very long time given up on every small and big thing he wanted me to I feel that I have come to a point where my Identity is being lost. I have moved from my country, my Family, my friends, my network. Given up my career. given up every small volunteer effort to help others, given up on my clothing style and so much more. While it might sound superficial to some it does define your lifre quiet a lot. He wants to save money so I gave up shopping New clothes for a long time leading to his relatives taunting me for wearing the same old stuff and him not saying a single Word to them. Yes his relatives are superficial ppl but if he has a high self esteem that he doesnt care about what others say about him to him then he should also be able understand that I have been feeling Down due to his relatives comments and he should say something to them. but not a Word. he is too nervous, he says...but then stay out of my decisions to how I want to dress myself as long as its not haram style!!!!
I myself am a very organized person. so your comment that I being a desi dont appreciate organization is simply not valid. My only main issue is that I have given up so micu for him during all these years, and instead of he tries to make me feel appreciated and valued he critisizes quiet a lot while doing stuff at home that makes me feel like I am unable to take care of my home. Of course I appreciate his interest in helping out at home but does a man really have to involve himself in the content and structure of each and every drawer of ALL wardrobes in the house?????
You are earning our own money, so why have you stopped spending on yourself. He can save his money if he wants but if you want to buy things here and there, he should accept this. Dont give up on these small pleasures, its your right after all you are working hard. Maybe try to ignore him or his moods, if he asks you why u bought something, tell him you needed it bas! There are some men, who think saving is the only way, which I understand, if you want to buy something big like a house/car then u need ot save, but if u are not spending lavisly and spending wise, he should not have a problem with it.
You are earning our own money, so why have you stopped spending on yourself. He can save his money if he wants but if you want to buy things here and there, he should accept this. Dont give up on these small pleasures, its your right after all you are working hard. Maybe try to ignore him or his moods, if he asks you why u bought something, tell him you needed it bas! There are some men, who think saving is the only way, which I understand, if you want to buy something big like a house/car then u need ot save, but if u are not spending lavisly and spending wise, he should not have a problem with it.
We saved a lot before buying the house. really a lot. now he wants to save in the same way and pay the morgage faster so that we dont have a loan left when the kids are teenagers. But it is in the same period that we have to enjoy living life, to travel and have leisure activities. Now he has made a Budget for 2016 and if I say a Word that goes against the Budget we have agreed on he panicks. Come on we are 2 adult persons and we can agree on a Budget and then change the priorities if needed. But if he has to buy something he finds necessary i.e some special wardrobes and wardrobe interior he goes out of his way to get it. and if I mention that I am looking into buying some clothes online from Pakistan he typically comments in a way that I dont feel like doing it anymore.....
Ask him to give you a monthly allowance. Save that up for things around the house, your clothes shopping etc. I know it sound childish and very difficult to deal with, but if you two trying to save money you will have to do something.
and if I mention that I am looking into buying some clothes online from Pakistan he typically comments in a way that I dont feel like doing it anymore.....
Why do you even mention to him that you're looking to buy clothes? You know by now what his response will be. When you want to buy clothes, just buy it. Does YOUR salary go into a joint account? You don't have credit cards or bank account solely in your name?
Sure love, respect and understanding is the core of a marrige!! And certainly do that. However when I have over a very long time given up on every small and big thing he wanted me to I feel that I have come to a point where my Identity is being lost. I have moved from my country, my Family, my friends, my network. Given up my career. given up every small volunteer effort to help others, given up on my clothing style and so much more. While it might sound superficial to some it does define your lifre quiet a lot. He wants to save money so I gave up shopping New clothes for a long time leading to his relatives taunting me for wearing the same old stuff and him not saying a single Word to them. Yes his relatives are superficial ppl but if he has a high self esteem that he doesnt care about what others say about him to him then he should also be able understand that I have been feeling Down due to his relatives comments and he should say something to them. but not a Word. he is too nervous, he says...but then stay out of my decisions to how I want to dress myself as long as its not haram style!!!!
I myself am a very organized person. so your comment that I being a desi dont appreciate organization is simply not valid. My only main issue is that I have given up so micu for him during all these years, and instead of he tries to make me feel appreciated and valued he critisizes quiet a lot while doing stuff at home that makes me feel like I am unable to take care of my home. Of course I appreciate his interest in helping out at home but does a man really have to involve himself in the content and structure of each and every drawer of ALL wardrobes in the house?????
Marriage is a big deal and after you have children your identity is sort of lost anyways, it is not only you who sacrifices. Husbands and fathers do also. A proper mindset is to see things as blessings which you are seeing as sacrifices. You moving abroad is a blessing, having an opportunity to raise kids rather than focusing on your clothing is a blessing. Adults cant be glued to their birth families and moving away is a growth opportunity. Your husband has a legal, moral and ethical responsibility to stop you from yelling at kids you should be happy that he s preventing you from destroying you children's life. Try not focusing on yourself b your family. People talk, they taunt, they gossip ad immature people pay heed to it We have a very young tall, blonde, blue eyed co worker and there is a lot of animosity towards her and he just laughs it of.
Look for positive reinforcement and love from with in yourself and your family and screw everyone else.
Marriage is a big deal and after you have children your identity is sort of lost anyways, it is not only you who sacrifices. Husbands and fathers do also. A proper mindset is to see things as blessings which you are seeing as sacrifices. You moving abroad is a blessing, having an opportunity to raise kids rather than focusing on your clothing is a blessing. Adults cant be glued to their birth families and moving away is a growth opportunity. Your husband has a legal, moral and ethical responsibility to stop you from yelling at kids you should be happy that he s preventing you from destroying you children's life. Try not focusing on yourself b your family. People talk, they taunt, they gossip ad immature people pay heed to it We have a very young tall, blonde, blue eyed co worker and there is a lot of animosity towards her and he just laughs it of.
Look for positive reinforcement and love from with in yourself and your family and screw everyone else.
that has been approach untill now. I am just tired and exhausted. And I just wish my husband could learn to take care of my feelings too and not just enforce his logical argumentation on me all the time be it Budget, spending Money or anything else.
My husband at first also didnt like me ordering cloths from pakistan but I still did it lol he got used to it and now he likes it when I wear nice salwaar Kameez.. dont give up, he will change, show him the way, show him how he can save but still spend on small things which makes you happy, dont make an issue, if he says this is the way, say yes this is the way but still do the thing that he doesnt make it his ego, now how u do this, you have to find out, like make his his favorite dish and they say casualy, u know there was this crazy sale on the place and I ordered 2 pakistani suits, bet when he is fed and happy he will not say a bad word.
My husband at first also didnt like me ordering cloths from pakistan but I still did it lol he got used to it and now he likes it when I wear nice salwaar Kameez.. dont give up, he will change, show him the way, show him how he can save but still spend on small things which makes you happy, dont make an issue, if he says this is the way, say yes this is the way but still do the thing that he doesnt make it his ego, now how u do this, you have to find out, like make his his favorite dish and they say casualy, u know there was this crazy sale on the place and I ordered 2 pakistani suits, bet when he is fed and happy he will not say a bad word.
my hubby is not like that. he would love the Food and say Nice stuff about it but then he would talk about Our Finances and how important it is to stick to Our Budget if I have spent way too much Money. But I Guess I need so sit alone With the Budget and find ways to change it somehow. During all the years of pregnancy and after-birth baby years I have been so tired that I have outsourced all this Budget stuff to him and he ahs become to controlling about it. time to regain some Control back. after all I contribute With half of the Money in the household!!!
that has been approach untill now. I am just tired and exhausted. And I just wish my husband could learn to take care of my feelings too and not just enforce his logical argumentation on me all the time be it Budget, spending Money or anything else.
The most important thing in a marriage is the relationship, if there is no love and caring and financial goals are achieved, that is not an accomplishment. A man is required to make his wife feel special on a daily basis. People should not take each other for granted. All my western friends know that they need to continually work on the relationship but not my desi friends. Do you think it is greed or insecurity, can you have a heart to heart with him. It feels like he is trying to secure your and the children's future. Ask him what worries him.
My VP lived a very frugal life, his juniors drove shiny new cars and him an old van, they vacationed in 5 stars and him camping. He surprised everyone by retiring at 50. But his wife was fully supportive of him. They just have such a beautiful relationship and their eyes sparkle when they look at each other and have raised great kids. No amount of money can buy that.
Chameli420... Look at the blessings in your life. You have a genuine guy as your husband. He is not a spendthrift. You make a budget to stick to it. Not make a budget and overspend by 3-4 times.
Love him as much as you can and it would be good for you. Cribbing all day and thinking that it is his upbringing is the cause for the problems will not get you anywhere.
So I am quite involved in many of these things at home and actually have re-arranged kitchen after seeing a show on tv and I think most furniture and most paintings are ones I selected. Now I wonder, if Mrs. Chaudhry was all smiles and may be posting like this online or Is it you Mrs. Chaudhry ??
Ok well kidding aside, I think the issues you have mentioned can be annoying to you but they are not as serious as many others have in their married lives and seems like something that can be resolved by talking or if Husband likes so much domestic work than may be let him be and you find some other things to do.. Hope all works out.
So I am quite involved in many of these things at home and actually have re-arranged kitchen after seeing a show on tv and I think most furniture and most paintings are ones I selected. Now I wonder, if Mrs. Chaudhry was all smiles and may be posting like this online or Is it you Mrs. Chaudhry ??
Ok well kidding aside, I think the issues you have mentioned can be annoying to you but they are not as serious as many others have in their married lives and seems like something that can be resolved by talking or if Husband likes so much domestic work than may be let him be and you find some other things to do.. Hope all works out.
hahaha so it sounds like that I actually could be Mrs Chaudary:p
There is no doubt that I am married to a really Nice guy. It is just his need of Control that has exhausted me. I think he has in the past few days realized how frustrated I am and I am hoping for some positive change .
I also have realized that I need to put an effort into this and not just let Things happen cuz I am too tired to get involved. cuz I will be frustrated over the consequenses anyways and dont really stay quiet then....so its better to respons earlier than responding after Things happens and he gets confused over delayed responses......
thanks everyone for Your advices...good to just vent here than do something stupid out of anger and frustration...