I am having so much problem to understand my husband since a few months. We are married for 4+ years now, and we have seen much better times then now.
Our daugther is mashallah 3 years old, and i am expecting again.
But it seems like we are living apart from each other. He does not care for me in anyway, neither does is tells what is bothering him all the time.
I myself am born and brought up in Europe, my husband came here a few months before our marriage. Now i think that all paki mard , who are important are ythe same… uncaring…!!
I am having a problem pregnancy with many difficulties, my gynac has told me to take compleet bedrest and not to stress, even this all is not effecting him. He is reacting so strange…
I am sure that there is NO other women or any kind of relationship, cause he is not a type of man who would go beyong his limits. I myself am i part time working lady, he does not even lean a finger to help me in abyway at home , he does not even go to the shops to buy groceries he works full time, he comes home…,. goes to sleep or watches hindi movies all time time. He has no other activity…
I am so deeply depressed, nothing is working my life is a mess.
can’t even think of seperating him, I love him he is the father of my kids. But why is he behaving so strangly??..he attitude is like ‘‘DAMN care’’!! And this hurts deeply.
I hope and pray that no women suffers like this, but still if you have any advice for me then pleasee… tell me..!!
heres ur first problem: the stuff u just told on gupshup, u should just tell him all this to his face...face to face, email, a letter, anything! how is he supposed toknow how u feel if u dont tell him??
second problem: get involved in his life...talk to him about his day, what he wants to do, go out ...the two of u...no kid...or even make a family day..trust me, guys like to talk about themselves..they can go on for hours...
if this doenst work...do what i do...the silent treatment..works everytime!! trust me! my man is alwasy coming to me whenever i use it....i have this attitude.."if u dont care, then why should i care?"..wait and see what wil happen....
good luck!!
p.s i aint no dr phil, nor do i have a degree in psych...its just my way of handling the situation.....
Your first and secound advice.... i practise these all the time. But doesnt work.
So I will have to see about ur silent treatment... as i have not done this one before. U know i am afraid '' ke aise dooriyan barh jaae geh'' . my very dear friend also told me to try this. So insalah i will now.
thanks.
Parda, you need a 'mediator' I don't know how severe and intense is the case, but try a mediator, someone who is a mutual friend of yours and your hubby to help you out.
You need to figure out why does he behave this way? Is it his nature or something else? Does he even know about his behavior towards you and your kids? Does he acknowledge his responsiblities towards you and your child? May be he is amongst his friends or friends circle who are like him (with the same mentality) which could only change if the person is educated and you may not be the right person to educate him. It's some else a mediator or a Counselor. There are so many things that can triger all this....
And, of course you shouldn't be the lady to take all this for the Rest of your life. Life is a gift from GOD, but beautiful living is wisdom.
I could be wrong with what I say here but from some of the couples I've met, I've noticed some things about some desi men. (remember I said SOME!)
It sounds to me like he's missing his homeland....he's homesick. And submerged in an entirely different culture, maybe missing his friends and family from back home very much. The way of life is so very different for him now and that must affect him greatly.
Also, some desi men have great difficulty relating to "women's problems", pregnancy and "women's issues"....due to cultural barriers they encountered in their upbringing. In addition to that, he may have trouble relating to health problems. Perhaps he just doesnt know what to say, how to handle the situation. Over in Pakistan, they have names for the husbands who help out around the house and they arent nice names! It isnt always understood that life and lifestyles are different in different countries.
Perhaps if you start a conversation with your husband about his homeland, get him talking about "back home" and then ask him how much he misses being there, does he want to return, is he happy where he is etc...you may get to the root of the problem and address the issues from there?
Just a guess...good luck to you and I wish you a healthy beautiful baby!
Yeah, but still - if your wife is pregnant, and you're not even helping her out or doing groceries and that sorta of stuff to help out a bit...then that's kinda callous.
Maybe, you can sit down with your parents as mediators and with him, and then have him talk it out. If there are complications in the pregnancy, he needs to be a real mard and be there for you.
This husband of yours where is he from? He doesnt come across as a Pakistani, we are way too sophisticated and affctionate than wht you have described, either case if you are unhappy, maybe it's because of you and not him, you do know the hormonal imbalance that women go through while in pregnancy. I would say go eat some imli,achar, and have an ice cream. Leave the man alone, he already has to think about you, his daughter and the new arrival. Gas aint cheap you know.
Woman, you have the best tool that mother nature has armed you with, use it. It's called the inherent ability to NAG. Just nag the living day lights out of him. Nag about lack of affection, abundance of Hindi films, lack of grocery items in the house, abundance of sleep, lack of his time spent with the daughter, abundance of his solitary moments...and so on.
It is sad to know your story. I deeply condemn such attitude from a man at a time when he needs to concentrate on some important issues with you. Before I say my words, I'd wanna say something that I disagree with you. Not ALL the Pakistani mards are same. Most of the times, it is the communication barriers, difference is the way two people respond to each others needs is that plays a part in this situation.
From whatever you have written here and I can see there are multiple opinion in this thread that are given. My advice is this might be a temporary hurdle in your way. All you need to know is to know "what is bothering him". being a woman, a nd a wife, it is you who can do this job the best.
Remember, nobody will respond to your concerns in an attempt to seriously provide you a solution. We all are careless in responding. The best person to take advice is your mother. Please don't embark on anything that can demage your marriage relation. It may not be that serious and the problem could be of mere mis understanding. I have read in your response that you are only demanding needing and wanting things. Try to look at the whole scenerio from his side. He might be in the same situation. And over and above, you have not communicated him anything from your side. It is highly possible that you are not able to give him enough reassurance he needs and it may be highly possible that the way you are expressing it he is not understanding it that way. I am not sure.
It can purely be a matter of mis-communication. Please seek advice from some elder, most probably your mother. I am sure, it will change one two of you'd know each others needs.
Desi men don't know that women are allowed to blame anything on pregnancy. Talk to him, better yet take him to your doctor so she can tell him that you need rest and he needs to do the house work.
That only helps if the elders are sensible. I've seen enough Pakistani elders make wrong decisions based on wrong premises. Our society has a serious problem when it comes to arranging marriages - they get people married who have not been prepared to handle a marriage.
She needs to talk face to face with her husband first and primarily. Use your own brain/judgement first and see how far that takes you. The situatoin could very well be benign.
ok so this man who is heartbreakingly homesick goes food shopping for his wife. The folks back home find out and label him with those awful names they have for "pussy-whipped" men. He dreads this more than he dreads the sad looks of his wife. This COULD possibly have something to do with his lack of involvement with his wife.
If he can't adjust to life in europe then he should take his family back to where they can live happily and in harmony, yes? she certainly seems like she would do whatever it took to make the marriage work.
I am not married nor I have seen this kinda situation that this lady is having but what I think is your husband is financially upset but he doesn’t want to break it to you for whatever reason.
I would have suggested you to bring it up but I really don’t know what kind of reaction he’ll get. So maybe try talking to his buddy’s wife or something and see maybe if she knows something about it.
Well it could be financial problems, but then if his wife is pregnant, he needs to be honest with her about it, and then try hard to find another job...
We are married for 4+ years now, and we have seen much better times then now.
