^ Yeah, I didn't say "Involve" any elder. I said, "seek advice" from an elder. And yeah she should seek advioce from someone whom she thinks is the right person. And Jonestly I cannot pass that judgement that all elders of Asian society are the same.
Yeah ultimately she is the one to take charge. I have seem many couple getting into serious misunderstandings despite good pre-marital understanding. But the circumstamces make us respond differently in reality. May be both of them need each other's support at this time. That is why I wrote that comment.
These matters are to be handle without involving emotions, any emotionality can play havock with the whole situation.
Here is a suggestion that all of you Foreign Born FOGs use to begin with" I will call immigration and have you deported". Try that and see if he slaps some sense into you or takes you up on that offer, if he does the latter, the problem is you.
there could have been some hope but then i read "watches hindi movies"..
anyway.. sorry to make light of your problems but honestly it's not as if only he has changed.. you don't even realize that you're going through a pregnancy.. there are tons of hormonal changes and mood swings that go with it and you have gotten extra sensitive to things.. as for him.. he appears like a desi murd to boot.. too clueless to know what's going on with you..
which is why desi moms have to invade their son's houses when the wives get pregnant to provide that extra moral support.. OR brides get sent back to their home for deliveries!! unbelievable isn't it.. a whole culture of men not being able to deal with this thing called pregnancy which they helped cause in the first place!
how long are u into it.. do u guys know the gender.. would it have something to do with it being another daughter.. (i'm only guessing here)..
just talk to him and tell him what u told us.. that he comes across as insensitive not asking you about your health or getting involved in the pregnancy.. get him to read a few books.. (find the short ones) or some magazines would do too for the short attention span kind.. but then again.. if he can sit through three hours of mind numbing stupidity called hindi movies.. he can wade through an article or two on how to be a supporting husband during a pregnancy.
Not making light of PA's post but Parda, do you have lamas classes in your city? Take him to one of those. I heard they tie a watermellon around the hubby's stomach and make him walk for a few minutes. This is to develop empathy in him for what his wife is going through.
well lets not get TOO tough on the poor guy here. I heard tales of hubbies who faint dead away at the sight of women in labor, one guy (no, not a desi) whose heart stopped (!!!!) in the delivery room. Some guys just cant handle it. Us women have no choice, you know?
And maybe he's one of those desi guys who were raised in segregation where womens issues were off-limits to him. If thats the case, then he's completely lost man. Between finding himself in europe and having a wife with a troubled pregnancy he doesnt know what to do. I truly pity him, almost as much as the wife....and I truly think they'd be better off if they went "back home" for a bit.
the husband seems depressed and maybe he should go see a doctor. its hard adjusting to life in a new place especially if he doesn't have any other family or friends there. if not he can just take a trip back home to see his family and friends that might help.
Parda:
Unless I missed it, I don't recall u writing how your husband was when you had your first child. You said that you have a 3 year old daughter......how was he back when you were pregnant with her?
If he was caring, affectionate, helpful etc. during the first pregnancy, then all this talk about him being a typical desi male who doesn't know how to handle female issues doesn't apply to him.
First of all, has your husband's behaviour generally been like this or has it started recently? I mean, the lack of caring, not doing work around the house etc.
Is he still giving your daughter attention?
The spark in a marriage does tend to die down after a few years, but when a wife is pregnant guys do step up a gear and help out. I take it he knows about your difficulties and the recommendation of complete bedrest? Neglecting his wife and expecting her to do the shopping under such circumstances is extreme. Something is definately bugging him or hes just acting like a neglectful jerk. You have to talk to him straight in the eye and tell him how you feel.
Please, think carefully before you involve someone else. Your husband may resent it and blame you for getting others involved and not talking to him directly about it or trusting him enough to sort through his own issues on his own/with you. Also, people can be very meddlesome and make things worse rather than better, which is why I’m totally against involving others.
A lot of men are completely oblivious of what a woman is going through during pregnancy (not just desi men) but men in general. My friend is currently six months pregnant and her husband just doesn’t care. Well, he obviously does but he just doesn’t know how to show it.
With your hubby, it could be a number or things; he could be trying to come to terms with becoming a father, again, or can merely be very homesick/depressed as Mama has suggested.
Keep talking to him and let him know how you feel.
I o think that is better to sort out the differences without putting an 3rd person into it.
Anyway i am tyring and praying, lets see what it brings me next.
God bless you all.
You are the best Judge Parda, BUT the third party acts as a catalyst. There are many a things that the spouse may be not be comfortable to talk about (again contingent to the relationship) the counselors are expert with their choice of words and with the human psychology. GOOD Luck
Sorry to hear about the mess. I have been there & done that!
In my case third part aggrevated him. I would advice against it.
In my opinion if he is not going to change by directly talking, its not going to matter whoever else comes to solve the problem.
Dont worry gurl after da baby arrives hes gona b happier den eva inshallah, may b hes not gettin enough attention at the momment dats all. I kno ur the 1 who should b gettin looked after but around dis time wen a woman is pregnant men tend 2 get jelous becoz of the attention u get, dont worry its all normal congrats though tell us wen u hav da baby an we'l help u name it an all.
Purda...you have thanked everyone for their comments but you havent answered any questions that have been raised...
One person asked if he was like that during the birth of your first child...if he wasnt then that rules out a lot of comments which suggest his issue is to do with the birth of the child...and suggests it could be something else...
You havent mentioned whether this phenomena is recent or whether your husband has always been inconsiderate?...from your tone you seem to be upset with him generally but be clear as to whether this is a sudden change or whether he has always been like this...obviously its beneficial if this is a sudden change becuase then you know thats not who he is but something he is going through...If hes always been like that then you need to evaluate the situation differently cos its not to do with the child but something else...
It is obviously clear that he is upset and depressed about something...your issue with him is to do with his lack of consideration...he doesnt communicate with you and hasnt supported you...im just wondering whether you have asked him what is wrong and supported him...if he is upset and you are giving him silent treatment then that is only going to upset him more...just my opinion...you need to ask him whats wrong...you are husband and wife...you should be able to work through tough times and you should feel comfortable and have trust to express your problems openly and as a couple work through them...im just sensing a hostile atmosphere between the two of you which is naturally detrimental to any progress...I advise against a mediator becuase people tend not to appreciate if their home life has been discussed with outsiders...its you and your husbands business...discuss it with other people but solve it between you...
Please be a bit more clear about what the situation is...at the moment everything is vague so everyone is making assumptions about your married life...all that is clear is that both of you are unhappy...if you want more constructive advice elaborate somewhat and answer the questions that guppies have raised and we will try our best to assist you...
