Husband in control of finances

[Nats]

Re: Husband in control of finances

Good Luck @pakigirl333. Have courage and discuss this. Hopefully all will be well.

[Nats]

Re: Husband in control of finances

@pakigirl33

If I were to go buy a pair of shoes for my kids tomorrow yes there will be an issue made out of it as in why couldn’t you wait till the weekend and ghar se nikalne ka Bahut shauq hai stuff that no one would want to hear. My household setup is such that I stay home with kids unless it is really necessary for me to go to store to get milk and such otherwise I am home and on the weekends we go out sometimes to the mall but very seldom buy anything and of course there is grocery which again we do together. The reason I feel awkward spending money is because of the reaction I get . Firstly he doesn’t get involved in the shopping other than wanting to know the price and if its on sale or not and secondly the change in mood being happy if nothing is bought vs being irritable if I buy some. Call it my low self esteem or whatever but I don’t feel comfortable buying anything when my husband doesn’t get happy if I buy something for myself. It shows a lack of care and respect which is hurting.
I will still talk to him in regards to the setup we have and also look for a job when my kids are of school age . I have a degree in accounting so hopefully won’t be too hard to find a job

I know a family in a similar situation. The father had a good income of his own but hated to spend on his kids or wife. Would start fights with lots of gaalis and hate words if his wife would buy something for the kids. On the other hand, used to be very happy in buying clothes/toys for his sister’s kids!!! Incomprehensible!

[Sady]

Re: Husband in control of finances

I dont mean to be harsh but I find it very hard to understand how someone can spend 5 years of her life with that kind of miser without sharing the same personality traits as him. Someone different than him would have objected the very first time he would have demonstrated that habit. You cant get your kids a haircut or shoes to save money. Are you allowed to bathe them by your own will as that would also cost water/bills or does he also calculate how much milk/food your little one takes? I feel suffocated just imagining that and you spent FIVE YEARS putting up with that miserly behavior? Why? You encouraged his financial tyranny by remaining silent all these years. You were cruel to yourself for not speaking out before so if you’re suffering more, it is nobody’s fault.

If you’re in the west, you sure would have options to get away from that mentally diseased by seeking legal advice if you also want to. In any male dominated society, it might be very difficult because he might not ‘allow’ you to be out. In that case, the best option is to tell him how disturbing his habit is to you. Let him read some Islamic references about this subject. If he has any respect for his religion, he might change his ways. Let elders of your family talk to him. Personally, I would not have bothered talking or staying with this kind of dysfunctional character for this long.

[Fefe]

Re: Husband in control of finances

@Ne_ne

why not get few pairs when on sale. I tend to buy things in sale too. my son lasts a pair a month or 2 only and i always buy few when on sale or each time there is sale i buy a pair so i have extras. i do same with clothes when new season starts sales start a week later too…so i buy what i need. both of my kids stain clothes alot and jeans and shoes wont last so i keep buying when there is sale on.

try to tell him that u are not wasting money and if u buy in sale

i am like your husband too. but i tend to buy alot especially in sales. before i used to buy in full price but few weeks later same item would be at hugh discount.

i always try to dress my kids far better than myself and my husband.

I also begrudge paying full price so I always buy in the sales, I end up buying too much n lots of it doesn’t get worn.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Husband in control of finances

@rx988

hmm maybe you should charge him for taking care of the household, like 6 figure salary or something.

I burst out laughing. I went to an ISNA meeting once and the Imam said that per calculations he got from someone or the other that the salary would be 250,000 dollars a year.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Husband in control of finances

My chachee went thru the same crap with my chacha. He doesn’t tell her what he has and I’m not even sure if her name is on the account. She gets upset because he doesn’t tell her how much he is sending to his sisters. And so she fought to work and so now she works and she can pay for her personal items herself without havig to ask him. We tried to get our dad to talk to him but it all fell on deaf ears.

Guys in our culture are ridiculous. I think premarital Islamic counseling with some of these counselors, at least in the US, is a good idea prior to marrying.

If you are a girl in Pakistan or India and you’re going to marry a guy in the US, ask for this option. To talk to a premarital counselor in the US. The bigger cities have them. They will openly discuss topics like finances and get the couple to talk about this stuff before marriage.

[simplywicked]

Re: Husband in control of finances

@PyariCgudia

Guys in our culture are ridiculous.

I think this is more widespread than just guys in our culture. I think it’s a human thing…when it comes to finances, MOST people become crunchy to some extent. I know a non-desi gentleman that was the CEO of Bank of America for some time and he had a very similar disposition towards his wife. He did not like her spending habits and didn’t share any of his financial information with her.
I know several other families that are millionaires, but EXTREMELY cheap. Gawd makes me wana puke! I don’t know what good any of that $$ is at that point!

[obaid1982]

Re: Husband in control of finances

I can understand saving and all, but to make a child go without new shoes for 2 year, especially when he can afford it, is pure miserliness. When you all go to mall together, do you kids not ask for toys and clothes and such? A man that doesnt spend on his wife and children when he has the means to do so, should be embarrassed. Perhaps you and kids should go to a family function in phattay puranay clothes to make him feel atleast embarrassed in front of family.
This type of behavior is definitely not healthy for a marriage. If he still continues his ways after you two discuss it out, then definitely push him to allow you to get a job.