Hi all
I am posting after a long time, hope everyone is doing well. Have been busy with kids and life in general. Every time I have an issue that I feel I can’t seem to discuss with anyone I come to this forum.
ok now the issue, ever since I got married which was 5 years ago, my husband has had the control of the finances as in I didn’t know how much he made a year, how much he has in his bank account etc. I have a credit card that I can use when I want . One thing about my husband is that he doesn’t like to spend money instead he likes to save if he could he would save every single penny and not spend anything . In these five years, I have become somewhat use to his ways but after having kids it seems difficult to do or may be I can’t tolerate it much as i did when it was just me.
like for example, I have to ask him before buying anything for me or kids, and it has to be on sale and it should be a need not a want. Like for instance my daughter has only one pair of boots since 2 years and I can’t buy her a new pair cuz the only pair she has is just fine , like I can’t get my sons haircut every month or so cuz i can trim the hair at home . I have never actually talked to him about it because I feel since I’m not earning I shouldn’t have a say in the finances , But it is getting to me now ,so long story short i have started to feel frustrated having to ask him for every small thing . What should I do , do I need to talk to him about it or is this something common and I’m making a big issue out of nothing ?
Are u guys living on a tight budget for a reason? I mean, is the savings going toward idk.. a house or some other large investment? Do u guys have other larger expenses that his income is spent on?
If u know the answer to those quesions and there is a reason for saving, then u shouldn’t complain cos it’s prob temporary and when iA u guys don’t have those expenses u can spend more freely. If u don’t.. then ask him and make sure ur aware of ur finances. Just bcos ur husband earns it doesn’t mean u can’t ask him about it. U could also ask for an allowance that u know will work for both of u… large enough so u can do ur shopping etc. And small enough that it doesn’t take away too large a chunk of savings and he knows exactly how much he’s allotted to u for that. U don’t have to ask him repeatedly and he can be satisfied that u are within a specified budget.
Re: Husband in control of finances
Yes, you need to talk to him. Money is made to meet both wants (within moderation) and needs ..Not only needs. When your husband does the groceries and buys himself some ice cream…is he chastised for it? Lol, does he ask himself, “Is this an absolute necessity like water or soap? Or is it a want?” Some leniency is good even if one is saving up for major purchases. You shouldn’t have to ask permission each and every time you need/want something. So, talk to him…maybe a monthly spending budget can be set so you don’t have to ask him every time.
I do think monthly haircuts are a bit much though. 
Re: Husband in control of finances
Marriage is a compromise from both sides. So it isn’t right that you should be the only one doing so unless for good reason, i.e. saving money since your on a tight budget. However, the fact that your not earning should not mean you not entitled to his money. After all, men are supposed to be the breadwinners.
If you still have an issue, why not get a job yourself, then you won’t be feeling this way. Provided, your kids are of school age which will make it easier.
Re: Husband in control of finances
What use is the money if you can’t spend it? Ask him where are the savings and what are his plans for that money.
Re: Husband in control of finances
No, this is not normal. No one should live like they’re dirt poor when they’re not. This is miserly behaviour that has no place even in Islam. Does your husband pay Zakat if you guys are muslim? (this is a very important question because it’ll clarify to you how and in what way money is dictating his values and choices)
Re: Husband in control of finances
We are not on a tight budget Alhumdulillah . The first year of our marriage I didn’t even know how much he makes, my husband never told me and I didn’t feel comfortable asking, then I found out one day when he needed my signature on some tax papers when the lady at the office told me, actually showed me the actual amount he made before I signed lol. My husband just doesn’t like to spend money unless it is absolutely necessary . I will talk to him about it but don’t know how and where to start
Re: Husband in control of finances
Those 2 statements contradict each other so which one is it. Can you use the credit card when YOU want? Or did you husband specifically/directly tell you that you MUST ask him for permission before buying ANYTHING for yourself or the kids? Did he directly tell you that you cannot buy anything that’s not on sale and can’t buy anything simply b/c you “want” it?
BTW, did he grow up poor?
Re: Husband in control of finances
She probably means that she has to ask permission before she can use the credit card for a specific purchase.
Re: Husband in control of finances
How is your daughter still fitting into those boots for the past 2 years?
My advise, start socializing with other families who spend normally, he may see the light. I have seen some people do what you have described especially in the early years of marriage, they save a lot not just for a specific thing but because saving is good and if they can save 90% of their income! they would.
Re: Husband in control of finances
Im wondering about the last part too. I know a few people that came from very poor backgrounds and they continue to live very simply (bordering on the verge of miserly) because that’s just what they’re used to.
I know many women who are given credit cards, access to bank accounts but aren’t allowed to spend anything without asking first. If they do spend, they have to give explanations which they would rather avoid. I think with someone like your husband, they also have trust issues. They don’t trust anyone or even think is important to tell your spouse what you make. Did you try working on this issue in the past or have you just accepted that that’s how its going to be? Have you tried to talk to him, gave him financial opinion, showed him he can trust you?
when I got married, my husband was very different. He would save save save and I liked spending. He would sometimes ask me what I needed money for. Just after couple of months we realized we are different when it comes to money matters. Lots of argument later we have accepted each other how we are. I never for a minute think all what he makes is his. Its ours and I should have equal say. You will need to make your point, you will need to change his mentality. This is not our mom, dadi’s age where both the spouses don’t have equal say or where the husband still hides his income or doesn’t think its important to tell about finances. Show him, he can trust you. Don’t go on shopping sprees. buy things you really need/want. It will take time, but he will change.
Re: Husband in control of finances
sooooo how much does he make and can help my second cousin’s best friend’s former roommate get a job?\desified]
Re: Husband in control of finances
One tip i would like share with you OP is that..give him a reason to trust you first. I think many of us men struggle of the fact that we would like to gain the trust of our wives. And how should one do that?..well may be talking about finances and give him helpful tips to save more or ways you can perhaps save him money. (in your case). And slowly slowly gain trust. I know i know..women think.. her guy doesn’t trust her. Well that might be true..but doesn’t mean we don’t completely trust our wife. And us men..we should also keep the effort of honestly sharing our finances..which i know i kinda lack.
Re: Husband in control of finances
Going by what OP wrote, it seems that she has been following his “rules” from day 1. In fact, according to her she has “never actually talked to him about it” meaning she’s been doing it without complaint. They’ve been married 5 YEARS and have 2 children. As a man, how long do you think is reasonable before a husband realizes his wife’s spending habits are not going to bankrupt him?
BTW, while this seems like a trust issue on the surface…I think it’s more about respect. When I hear about a husband treating his wife in this manner…especially when they’ve been married long enough where he should be aware of her personality/habits, to me it shows a complete lack of respect. A lack of respect for her judgment. Its a bit ironic actually. She’s responsible enough to give birth to and raise his children…but not responsible enough to decide when money needs to be spent on small things like kids shoes/haircut etc. without consulting him.
Re: Husband in control of finances
My daughter is still able to fit her boots cuz we bought them bigger so they would last longer, so first she wore it with really thick socks till they fit her perfectly.
Re: Husband in control of finances
Yes I have a credit card that i can use when I want to so like if i go to get my eyebrows done or go to get milk or diapers i can use it, but not if i wanted to go buy lets say clothes or shoes i would have to ask him first otherwise he gets upset and there is tension in the house which i hate. So I always ask him first, and if he thinks it is not necessary he would say something like iski kya zarorat hai or he will say marzi hai tumhari but I think you don’t need it so that makes me feel awkward enough not to buy.
Re: Husband in control of finances
Ok granted I’m not a parent, but this is just…like… HUH???
is that even a normal thing to do ???
Can a kid even walk in shoes that are 2 years too big???
Re: Husband in control of finances
I should have mentioned..in the begining of the marriage. Especially arrange marriage, can’t say anything about love marriage. And yes it is quiet un-healthy of hiding pay as well as keep the account off limit to wife after 5 years of wedding. So my implication was more what OP should have done. Since that wasn’t the case..then probable solution should have been..where both can open joint account aside from having their own accounts.
Re: Husband in control of finances
Why’d he get married if he requires his wife to ask his permission to buy things and then to guilt her into not buying them. If he begrudgingly approached the zimaydari of having a wife and kids, then why get into it in the first place?