Re: Husband in control of finances
^Who said anything about permission? What implication that i made..which reflects that wife requires permission?.
Re: Husband in control of finances
You can only determine if someone can be trusted if you let them go a little bit…if you give them some dheel…some freedom or flexibility. When you take that away, what you get is obedience and control…not necessarily trust.
Re: Husband in control of finances
Just musing on the situation. Not directed at u.
Re: Husband in control of finances
Does this apply only for this situation. Or in general?
Re: Husband in control of finances
I would not be too perturbed. Some people are clueless in a good sort of a way. Your husband has no clue you are getting affected adversely. Bottling it up means u will burst one day. Time for u to communicate GENTLY how this makes YOU feel. Don’t attack HIM. Just say how YOU feel.
Re: Husband in control of finances
I will definitely talk to my husband about letting me have some freedom when it comes to spending ,be it buying some for myself or kids. I don’t think I can ask him about stuff like his savings, bank account etc, wont feel comfortable ,( just not me). A question for the married ones, do you ever feel like you are spending someone else’s money any time you go shopping with your husband ? I do because of the way my husband behaves and reacts whenever we go out
Re: Husband in control of finances
Lots and lots of women feel that way. You are not alone. You need to talk to him because you are raising his kids and taking care of the house. Enough of a job on its own.
In the beginning of my marriage i felt it A LOT. I never asked my husband for money unless it was absolutely necessary and even then i only asked for the specific amount needed. The problem i faced was that my husband was very sketchy about work… it put a strain on finances, or so i thought. He has always asked me do u need this or that, go shopping etc… but i myself felt awkward and never told him if i needed anything… that made him feel like ok if she’s fine, that’s that. I’ve been married for 5 years as well and now alhumdulilah we are in a much better place. My husband had a talk with me and made me realize in a marriage it’s my Islamic right to ask for whatever i need or want for myself, and it’s his responsibility to provide and i should ask him without any hesitation. We’re much more open with each other now.
I understand how u feel about not wanting to ask abt the details of his finances, i was the same way. But knowing helps bcos say one month he makes a normal amount and the next month he gets a bonus… u would know that way what time is appropriate to go shopping. If u don’t know why he says not to spend money… u’ll see ur husband as kanjoos when maybe he’s just in a tough spot. When we were in a financial strain i attributed it all to my husbands lack of work ethic… i found out later he was sending a huge portion of his check to his family for his brothers upcoming wedding. I felt bad cos i had thought all that time he was just not working… had i known, i would have supported him and those crappy times in our marriage wouldn’t even have existed. Communication and open-ness about all aspects (emotional, financial, family etc) are extremely important in a marriage. If u are not open… it leads to resentment over time. Maybe your husband doesn’t have any other expenses at all… but if he doesn’t know how his behavior/reactions about money makes u feel… he won’t change, simply cos he doesn’t know. So be open… u shouldn’t feel awkward with ur husband… ur the mother of his children! Good luck.
Re: Husband in control of finances
Here is my advice, get a part time job, dont depend on him anymore, get a job and then buy the things you desire.
Re: Husband in control of finances
Being a mother and housewife is hard work, it’s a job in itself, I find this a lot harder than when I used to go to work before having my kids. And your husband should realise this. Maybe you do need a part time job but what I think is more important is for you to let ur husband know how you feel. Being stingy with things like shoes is just too much, this is an essential not some unneeded toy.
When I stopped working I found it hard asking my husband for money and when I did start he would just say take whatever you need from my wallet, n I found this quite uncomfortable but now I just take it and he knows that I don’t overspend and fritter money away that’s why he says take whatever you need whenever you need it. He wouldn’t say this if he knew I was going to waste it. I would still prefer if he handed me money each week but he just forgets. I also have his credit card just incase. He rarely asks what I have bought, and has no idea about the groceries. He takes my car n fills up with petrol cause he knows I hate doing this, without me asking him. N this is the least he can do.
Who does the grocery shopping? Is he kanjoos with food items as well?
If I were you I would just use the card for clothes and things for the kids, there’s always something the kids need, nappies, clothes, shoes etc. it could be something to do with his upbringing. What is he like with housework and looking after the kids? Where r u based?
Re: Husband in control of finances
When I first got married, I totally felt weird spending “someone else’s” money, but over time my husband won me over with his attitude. In the begining, I would actually try to pay for my “wants” with my own money. Like when we went shopping, I would whip out my credit card and insist on paying to the point that my husband got angry (being a man, he couldn’t stand the thought of his wife paying for anything lol). Eve my mom thought I was crazy for hy “his money”, “my money” mentality.
But after 5 years of marriage, you should be comfortable enough with your husband to ask about finances. After all, you guys are together and therefore his money is your money (though your money is still yours 
)
Re: Husband in control of finances
you haven’t answered the most important question, how much does he make ? we can’t judge your situation based on your sentences, we need proof, you know for science!
Re: Husband in control of finances
Ok…so he does not control your spending 100%. You are still free to spend someone your self (things like eyebrows) and you can buy groceries/diapers without consulting him.
I feel like an idiot here but I still don’t understand this. Did your husband specifically tell you that you MUST ask him for his permission before buying clothes and shoes? Let’s say you went out tomorrow and bought 1 pair of shoes for your child…how would your husband know? Would you see that charge on the credit card and ask you what you spent it on? OR do you go up to him and say “hey honey look what I bought today”?
I don’t know about other women here but those responses from my husband would not bother me and stop me from buying something. By saying the things in bold, he’s not preventing you from buying it. He’s sharing his opinion that it’s not needed but is leaving the final decision up to YOU (ie. marzi hai tumhari). Now if YOU are choosing not to buy b/c YOU feel awkward by his comment…whose fault is that? If he doesn’t think it’s something you need, do you want him to lie to you? 
I’m sorry but in these particular responses, the issue is with you and your lack of self-esteem/self-worth when it comes to money.
This guilt you feel about spending money b/c you don’t work…after 5 YEARS of marriage is a bit silly frankly. You guys are a family. You both are partners in making this family work. That money belongs to both of you and until YOU start believing it…your money problems will continue.
Re: Husband in control of finances
If I were to go buy a pair of shoes for my kids tomorrow yes there will be an issue made out of it as in why couldn’t you wait till the weekend and ghar se nikalne ka Bahut shauq hai stuff that no one would want to hear. My household setup is such that I stay home with kids unless it is really necessary for me to go to store to get milk and such otherwise I am home and on the weekends we go out sometimes to the mall but very seldom buy anything and of course there is grocery which again we do together. The reason I feel awkward spending money is because of the reaction I get . Firstly he doesn’t get involved in the shopping other than wanting to know the price and if its on sale or not and secondly the change in mood being happy if nothing is bought vs being irritable if I buy some. Call it my low self esteem or whatever but I don’t feel comfortable buying anything when my husband doesn’t get happy if I buy something for myself. It shows a lack of care and respect which is hurting.
I will still talk to him in regards to the setup we have and also look for a job when my kids are of school age . I have a degree in accounting so hopefully won’t be too hard to find a job
Re: Husband in control of finances
hmm maybe you should charge him for taking care of the household, like 6 figure salary or something.
Re: Husband in control of finances
If I were to go buy a pair of shoes for my kids tomorrow yes there will be an issue made out of it as in why couldn’t you wait till the weekend and ghar se nikalne ka Bahut shauq hai stuff that no one would want to hear. My household setup is such that I stay home with kids unless it is really necessary for me to go to store to get milk and such otherwise I am home and on the weekends we go out sometimes to the mall but very seldom buy anything and of course there is grocery which again we do together. The reason I feel awkward spending money is because of the reaction I get . Firstly he doesn’t get involved in the shopping other than wanting to know the price and if its on sale or not and secondly the change in mood being happy if nothing is bought vs being irritable if I buy some. Call it my low self esteem or whatever but I don’t feel comfortable buying anything when my husband doesn’t get happy if I buy something for myself. It shows a lack of care and respect which is hurting.
I will still talk to him in regards to the setup we have and also look for a job when my kids are of school age . I have a degree in accounting so hopefully won’t be too hard to find a job
Re: Husband in control of finances
I think its normal to feel that you are spending someone else’s money in the beginning of your marriage where husband and wife start living together and have no clue how/what other person feels about finances. Its perfectly fine but after 5 years and you still think that his money is not your money is a pretty weird. You stay at home and have no source of income so obviously you’ll need money from him. Does he stay at home and take care of kids like you do? NO. Do you feel like you are doing some kind of favor on him by taking care of kids. NO. So why should you feel that he is doing you a favor by giving you money. I am going to be very honest, the faster you change his mentality/habit of his, the better off you will be. If you tell him its acceptable to be treated this way then he won’t change.
5 year is a long time for you to not have any say in finances. To ask for money to buy the smallest of things. Like Paheli said ignore his comments on iss ki kiya zarorat thi, when he says that just say zarorat thi and walk away. You don’t owe him an explanation if you can’t buy basic things apni marzi se. You aren’t living a larger than life lifestyle. You shouldn’t have to answer for every small thing. Let him react the way he reacts. Kab tak ho ga. One day he’ll trust you, one day he’ll know that you need to breath too. You need freedom too. And please go out more.. lol.
Re: Husband in control of finances
Thanks everyone who posted a reply and gave their input. After reading most of the responses I feel that I guess I have to change my ways too on top on talking to him about it. I think I have to be a little thick skinned and try and brush off his comments and ignore his attitude. To be honest, I am still not feeling comfortable to do this but I guess I have to push through and do it. Wish me luck ,hope I succeed
Re: Husband in control of finances
Good luck! :k: Keep us posted.
Re: Husband in control of finances
why not get few pairs when on sale. I tend to buy things in sale too. my son lasts a pair a month or 2 only and i always buy few when on sale or each time there is sale i buy a pair so i have extras. i do same with clothes when new season starts sales start a week later too…so i buy what i need. both of my kids stain clothes alot and jeans and shoes wont last so i keep buying when there is sale on.
try to tell him that u are not wasting money and if u buy in sale he will be more satisfied and will think you are saving. just play with his mind.
i am like your husband too. but i tend to buy alot especially in sales. before i used to buy in full price but few weeks later same item would be at hugh discount. so i changed my strategy and started to buy in sales and its not out dated as well. for example, currently in aus its end of summer so winter stock is already in and on sale too even though its still hot.
i always try to dress my kids far better than myself and my husband. if kids are well dressed, well looked after they will be more confident and i have seen kids who are poorly dressed will tend to have low self esteem. try to convey this to your husband.
it should not just be matter of savings or money but kids confidence and well being.