Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

Lifestyle Relationships
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Salaam everybody,

I didn’t have/or want to talk to anyone about this and then I remembered gupistan… so here I am.

13 years later, and all the happiness in the world AH, but realised that I really rushed into getting married.

There is sucha culture clash and its all compromise and me trying so hard to be “pakistani” although i was born and raised in the west. 13 yrs later and i realise that theres nothing wrong with me not being “pakistani” and being so pakistani cultured since, hello, i was raised elsewhere.

kids later, and jawaanee sacrificed, I have a peice of advice:

Dont import the hubby from pk. its not fair for neither him, nor you. :frowning:

I just needed to get that off my chest…

Is there another example of this relationship out there? positive maybe? or just hurting with me…

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

so well said.....

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

Welcome back!!!!!

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

Girls from West do not get along with desi boys.Its a sad fact. Parents who are raising children in West should consider marrying their children in West instead of going back to Pakistan. Especially moms of boys who think that desi bahoo will be a better choice.

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

very well said OP

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

I dont agree that EVERY guy is unfit for a girl born/raised in the west, totally wrong misconception. Sure, things may have been different and I'm truly sorry you regret getting married so early but you really just had bad luck. I was raised in North America (both Canada & USA) and I never felt any serious amount of culture clashes with guys raised in Pakistan which goes to show it's def. a matter of luck and fate as opposed to a certain formula.

In fact, I find that most Pakistanis are often a lot more liberal and cultured than people raised out in Europe and North America.

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

most pakistanis as in most pakistanis from the elite educated crowd which has gone to top/or good schools and been exposed to western society from an early age (in person via trips or through other means) compared to avg desis from all kinds of backgrounds growing up in the west....yes (and I am talking elite /educated in pakistani terms, not in US terms)

most pakistanis in general....hahah,...no way...

and your educated liberal desks from pakmanland compared to educated liberal desis growing up in the west... no comparison really..

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

I was raised in both Canada and the US as well, and I have many many guy friends that were born and raised in Pakistan, however I still agree with the OP. My fiance was born in Pakistan and lived there until he was 12, and although he is still very connected to the traditional culture, the fact that he spent his formative teen years in Canada is the reason that we are together.

If a guy has spent some years living/working/studying in North America, it's different. But I definitely agree with the OP that marrying a guy straight from Pak makes things difficult in terms of expectations and cultural adaptation. The only exception I know is with guys from a very wealthy background, but even they usually do part of their studies abroad. But traditional middle-class larka mindset is almost always quite different from the mindset of girls born and raised in Canada/US.

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)


Interesting post. When you say you are not "pakistani", what exactly do you mean by that? i was just interested in some specifics eg not as religious...

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

Word.

The trends definitely show that there's a lot of work to be done and differing expectations between Desis living abroad and Desis living in Pakistan. Sure, not as a whole but trends are just that and there are exceptions to every trend.

I don't get why Desis abroad are so hell bent on importing guys and girls. This is another trend that needs to be addressed. Again, there are exceptions and a lot of Desis get married with others that experienced similar environments but it seems they are the relative exception to the rule.

What gives?

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

Chicklit....why'd you marry him then? Was it a love marriage or an arranged one? Did you have these doubts before you married him and were they squashed by family pressure?

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

It's simple - math my friend. In Pakistan, you have a much LARGER pool of highly educated (doctors etc), good looking girls. I feel as long as you stick with major cities, the girl won't have a big culture shock coming to US.

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

Girls from the west and Guys straight from pakistan dont work unless the guy is from a more elite background.

If the guy has been in the west for some years id say more than 5 working and getting themselves eductaed then it can work.

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

I don't think its a larger pool issue only in terms of giving them access to more candidates, The major reasons are family marriages, some distorted views on the purity of people living in Pakistan (which does not apply to one's own siblings or kids), and people can not land the type of match they want here due to better candidates than themselves competing for the same people, so they go to pakistan

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

OP what compromises did you have to make out of curiosity?

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

Your example cannot be generalized.

You married in rush. That is where the problem lies .......if any.

I am not sure what it means by jawaani sacrificed, when you said "13 years later....... and all the happiness in the world AH".

Lots of examples of multicutural marrriages being successful.

Lots of examples of same culture marriages unsuccessful.

Both members need to realize the importance of trying to work out the differences if agreed to marry.

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

fair enough. Personally speaking, i find that the characteristics I'm looking for - professionally educated, good family background etc - i find that pool to be much larger in pk.

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

Most westerners marry within their own culture, why the high divorce rate then? They don't import no dulhas, do they?

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)


My point is if there are so many issues with such marriages, why are they still happening all over the place.

I mean the answer is fairly obvious but why persist?

Oh well.

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Re: Husband from pk, Wife from Canada = abcd (american/canadian born confused desi)

confused post to be honest. all the happiness in the world but at the same time hurt and sacrifice. which is it?

to me, the point that sticks out is the rushing into marriage bit. you rush, you make a decision that may not be the best for you, then you regret.