thank you all so much for the input i am really grateful because i have no clue what to do, well i decided i was going to speak to my husband about the situation when he came back which he did on Thurs, HOWEVER other issues within our marriage came up which led to him yelling at me in front of his parents, which really wound me up this led to him taking me home and he decided to discuss EVERY problem we have had in our marriage with my mum, although i have never ever discussed my problems with my mum, not saying i dont discuss my problems but i don't with my mother because i know he would lower in her eyes and plus my mother is so upset lately because we lost our Nani and my father 6 month ago which is a added stress on my marriage because i was close to my dad and he died very suddenly. well my mother reassured him even though he said alot of things that she didn't agree but she didn't feel she could take my side because he would feel my mother was being biased as well as feeling insulted because he was in her house, well he left with the conversation incomplete because he was going to a iftari dinner and said to my mum he would return later to pick me and discuss further, my mother reassured him and said don't worry i will samjhao her (meaning me). even though we were waiting he did call or come to collect me, which upset me because i felt he just threw me out and didn't want to spend time with me because he was flying out the next morning for another 2 week trip. well my mum called him and said look should have really Called at least, she said we still have this problem pending what shall we do and he said let discuss this problem with my parents now. me my chahcha's son and my mother went to my in laws to resolve the issue, along with his parents but all my husband did was belittle me in front of everyone and told EVERY EVERY problem in front of everyone i was so humiliated, and all my mum kept saying is look beta i think were ever husband is that is were the wife should be, because my husnad can accommodate me while on his trip i have actually been with him once. but all he kept saying to his mum is Ami she just wants to move out, (which i would like EVENTUALLY), anyway he kept belittling me and all my mother in law doing to me is staring at me an would not shift my eye form me, then my mother in law said tell me which daughter in law marries and has her own house, i have never heard that daughter in laws do that, which i found strange and i said very politely well Ami mentioning my husbands sisters name saying that she had,and my mother in law flipped at me and my mother and screaming and point her finger in my face saying HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT, THAT IS SUCH A GHALAT BAAT, and really yelling, and i could see she was being very insulting to my mother even though we were in her house, so my mother got up and said, to her font you ever ever raise your voice at me is that how you treat mehmaan when they come to your house, (i am of pathan origin and its sacrilege to insult guests while they are at your house). and we left the house, i have not heard from my husband i know he flew out on the same day of the argument, which was Sunday. now what shall i do HELP
Re: husband away
wow.. sure does change the picture doesnt it.
another typical desi household, same set of problems. so saddening :(
your husband should have not included everyone in ure personal problems, taht was very immature of him. you should have stood up and told your husband you will not be a part of this and walked out of the room.
i dont think there is much communication going on here.. and thats where u 2 will have to start. would seem hard enuff with him not being around.
Re: husband away
wow.......well firstly i am sorry to hear about your Dad, i think you said u have been married a few months so u loosing your dad at the same time must of made matters worse and put alot of stress on you,
i think you need to write your Hubby a long detailed email not now but in a few days, as he might still be vexed over the whole thing.
and explain things your way, i dont know detailed what happened but get him to listen to you, and you listen to him,,, seems like he is upset with you (hence why he has been bad mouthing you)
the thing is seems like he is a mummy's boy,, most cases paki guys are,, well his mum and family must mean alot to him so you should keep them happy too,
Re: husband away
i feel for your mum who has lost her husband and being shouted at by your mother in law
but shouting doesnt make things better, makes it worse. much worse,
my sisters in laws and my parents where going through some problems and where not talking for a while,,,,but made up on sunday :)
Ramadan is the month for forgivness!
Re: husband away
I am sorry to hear about your dad. It really is a great loss and I pray to Allah to give you all the strength and sabr.
Just so I get a little more perspectives here how old is your hubby?
There are few things you can do now:
- Email/call your hubby to patch things up
- Call your MIL and patch things up. Even though she was the one to create a bigger problem out of everything by yelling at you, you might need to just apologize and get her to motivate her son
- Leave your hubby. Extreme solution but i would use this as a last resort.
salaam
thanking everyone SO much for the kind words and dua's especially to daddy, nice to know there are such wonderful people in this world. in reply to your question Ansoon my husband is 31 years old. i really don't have a problem in saying sorry i promise you but i ALWAYS seem to be the one who has to apologize and he is just taking advantage it. my family and friends are advising me either to divorce OR go back and carry on the same way. to be quite honest i really do care and love him alot and don't want a divorce but I KNOW 100% this situation is not going to stop, one month later another problem is going to arise and he is going to drop me at m mums and go abroad, i just want our problems to be nipped at the bud my chacha's son suggested that i wait for 1 week and see if he will contact you and then see what he says and then take it form there, however if he does not contact within a week then he is (my cousin) is going to talk to him. one last point it REALLY saddens me that at least he could have telephone or emailed my mother just to say sorry as he is the younger an my mother did really get insulted, it from this that you can tell that he just to stubborn and gharoor.
Re: husband away
Yes you have all the right to expect an apology from him towards your mother .. that's the least he can do.
He should also apologize to you .. what kinda person is he who just drops you off at your parents house? seriously!
I am glad that you are trying to find all possible solutions before considering divorce but sometimes, we are not given that many options.
Re: husband away
Since you have lived it you know how to fix the things , but I agree the way it is going and the way the family set up of your husband is and the way his mind set is I see no hope for things changing pretty soon.
He does not seem daring enough to try to change his job . If he cannot take stand for his wife in front of his mother , how can he face the real world. He does not look forward to be home with you either. He thinks it is the best solution to end any kind of friction between you and his family that you stay at your home while is gone and you come back to take care of him while he is back home.
Re: husband away
islamically...a man should not be away from his wife for a certain set amount of days... I cant recall how many days at the moment...perhaps someone can share their knowledge on this.
However from my understanding, if the man has to travel beyond that set amount of days it is best that his wife accompanies him if possible.
Personally, if above options are not possible then I would not live the entire time he is away with my in-laws....spend some time with them and some time with your own family.
Discuss it with your husband...tell him how you feel. Communication is the key.
Re: husband away
Im so sorry to hear of all this. You got married and lost your father right away and now this not too long after that. It would have been nice to see him being there for you and comforting you in your time of need. Unfortunately, it seems as if he is bent on making the problem worse, dumping it all on your shoulders and running away. You have a few choices here:
A - Deal with it. Apologize to everyone and go back to your home and husband. Make it work because you love this man and every marriage goes through its initial growing pains. Its only been 9 months. Give it more time and learn to live with this hoping it will change one day.
B - Face it. Talk to your husband. Get through to him first. Take the initial step and control over your life. Tell him you're sorry things blew up but why cant we sit down and talk about it? Then talk to your MIL and be so sweet in front of your husband to her she thinks you've lost your mind. :) Once you are back home, we can cook up ideas for your husband to start changing his ways.
C - Leave him. Plain and simple.
Re: husband away
asalaam u alaikum
first im very sorry about ur fathers passing away...may ALLAH grant him the best of places in jannah-ul-firdouz inshaALLAH. [innah lilahi wa inna ilaihi raji un]
second dear sister the situation u face is very complicated but it isn't impossible. by the looks of things there r 2 probs... 1 ur hubby not paying any attention 2wrds u and 2nd ur mother in law is helping to create deeper complications for u and ur hubby. the solution sister isn't very easy, but u say u love ur hubby, if this is tru inshaALLAH u will go thru any hardship to get ur marriage back on its feet...becuz right now its being defeated by lil things which are being blown out of proportn...
lets look at the whole story...by the looks of things ur hubby is mummys lil boy still. so in the time he spends out of home, u need to build a bigger stronger bond with ur mother in law. i knw she was rude, and most of the times elder ppl r rude and we have to drop our heads and jus listen. u must do the same...treat her like ur own mum...hence [mother in law] she is ur mother too even if it is by the law only. so wat im saying is tht if u start treating his family like u wud ur own then u will inshaALLAH start to see change very soon! it takes yrs to gain trust and love but hearts can be won in seconds! u must change urself for the better, i knw u think y must i be the only one to appologize but think about it...one must not have an ego to save a relation...becuz apologizing does not mean ur lower then the next person or tht they r correct, it just means u value ur relationship alot more than ur ego! so it doesn't matter how many time u say sorri or how many times he doesn't. wat matters is tht u keep ur rishta alive. it takes years to build a good strong relationship , and for u my sister its been only 9 months.so my advice is to keep ur in laws happy...i.e ur mother in law and father in law, if they r happy with u and they cant live without u and treat u like a diamond which they will inshaALLAH start doing once u show ur true love to them, then wats ur hubby to say anything to u... he abys his parents and thts good mashaALLAH but u can use this to ur own advantage... get them on ur own side...show them tht u have come into this house and ur just as important as any other family member. no1 will gang up on u.
and one more thing sister. if ur mother in law asks u retoricl qz , its best not to answer, as they r trick questions... becuz it will seem ur answering back, which is considerd rude in joint families... its in a educated persons nature to just stay shushd up when uneducated ppl r lashing out. dnt get angry and dnt feel frustrated as these will never let u free. over come ur anger by reciting something holy till u calm down. remember anger does nothing but make things worse esp in a marriage.
Re: husband away
so how do u change urself...okay. so u say u stay at home etc ur not working. y dont u take up a hobby or study futhr ? get closer to ur religion, just keep urself occupied in things.
and u must return to ur home, as ppl will start pointing fingers if u leave it too long.
and about ur mum. yes i can understand he[ur husband] shud not have lashed out on ur mum or even bring her in the mid of ur personl problems this is very child like behaviour, u shud write him an e mail reqsting to speak to him and give him a time. make sure u have lots of time and tht u r alone.and tell him in a calm sensitive manner how u r feeling and what ur going thru. and ask him y is ur marriage not working out, as u had hoped? tell him tht u miss him, and so get workd up about things. and tht u guys need some time to ur selves. take a lil holiday[weekend] somewhere nice just the 2 of u.
in the convo u shud try and sort out some of the issues.
the best thing is to sometimes see it from his point of view and understand him...and if he cant c it from ur point of view then u must help him c it.
most men r not in touch with their senstv side , they have a wall which u must break thru to get to their tru being. marriages r tough to build so never give up hope and never think of leaving...thts a cowrds way out.
sister u are in my prayers inshaALLAH...and i will pray tht ALLAH grants u the happiness tht u both deserve with eachother.and to bless u with peace in ur married life inshaALLAH.AMEEN...
what a monstrous husband you have. it sounds like because of this marriage there is absolutely no peace in your life.
Re: husband away
Sorry to hear about whats going on in ur life..
were u engaged to ur hubby before gettin married or it was direct shaadi..?
May Allah help u in everyway,AMEEN.
You are in such a difficult situation... It is unacceptable for your hubby and his mom to speak harshly and inform all the problems to your mom. It is even more rude the way he took you at your mom's. Do they believe that since your dad is no more, they can walk all over at your mom's? I would be very much hurt with their behavior.
You say you love him, but you must understand that even if you love him you must stand up for your own dignity and your mom's, and must not allow him to behave in such manners. I am sure you and your mom are hurting from his immature actions.
We do not know your hubby's version of the story, so we cannot judge him and your problem fairly.
All marriages have problems, but this issue from "your" side of the story is definitely serious and will continue to "grow". No one forgets the insults. Even if you make peace with him now, you will bring up this topic over and over with him if you ever argue again.
Since you do not have kids, set yourself free girl.
Re: husband away
Next time he comes home, make sure there is no condom in use.
Get pregnant and download something.
Had a friend who got married, wasn't home all the time... work travel, so his wife expressed her frustration obviously and then she got pregnant and now he is thinking about changing his job.
Divorce is and should be the last resort, its not like he is doing something wrong by working and you are doing something right by asking for divorce when this issue can be solved in other ways.
Those who are advising divorce in this matter, go F yourself and advise that for your daughter, sister, etc.
I have question and would be very grateful on some insight, I have mashallah been married for 9 months, however my husband is always away abroad on work he will be away for 2 or 3 weeks at a time and come home for a couple of days and be off again, while I am left with my mother in law, father in law, sister and brother in laws, it is really starting to get to me so much, as I am at home because at present i don’t work i wanted to know what the Islamic opinion was, when he is abroad should I stay with my in-laws house, go to my parents house or should I really be with him abroad
KAK109...Donot be so silly.
Why you let him go abroad alone?
Men are cheaters, be careful.
When he comes back home , start crying , do faasad, riots, say agar tum mujhe saath na lay gaye to main suicide karo gi.
got it?
Divorce is and should be the last resort, its not like he is doing something wrong by working and you are doing something right by asking for divorce when this issue can be solved in other ways.
jaan: People are suggesting her divorce only based on her hubby and his mom's behavior - and NOT because he is working a job that requires traveling.
unfortunately - we do not have enough details on what led her hubby to take her to her mom's... that too in such short span of married life.
Next time he comes home, make sure there is no condom in use.
Get pregnant and download something.
Had a friend who got married, wasn't home all the time... work travel, so his wife expressed her frustration obviously and then she got pregnant and now he is thinking about changing his job.
Divorce is and should be the last resort, its not like he is doing something wrong by working and you are doing something right by asking for divorce when this issue can be solved in other ways.
Those who are advising divorce in this matter, go F yourself and advise that for your daughter, sister, etc.
ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO NOT HAVE A KID IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!!!
What is wrong with you??!! She is going through SO MUCH right now...she just lost her father, is being dragged into this saas-bahu war, her husband works abroad, completely non-cooperative, leaves her at her mom's house with no clear indication of what he is thinking, wont speak to her and you advise that she have a kid???!!! Somehow, more financial and emotional responsibilities will solve this?
Dont leave him if you feel you MIGHT be able to make this work...work at it until you know you've done everything.
JaanLeva. You arent a woman and dont realize the stigma woman have to bear if they are not only divorced but have a child as well. What if things (Allah na kare) get worse and she has to leave him? Now, she is pregnant!
NO NO NO - DO NOT HAVE A BABY RIGHT NOW. Im not saying to wait for the perfect moment because there is no such thing. However, you and your husband need to have at least an understanding (minimum, forget love right now) before you bring a baby into the picture.
Re: husband away
dnt think of leaving!! u have to give it time:S and effort!!
remember we can not get involved emotionali in something like this, as any thing we might say may trigr something off in our sisters mind... we r not!! trying to poison her mind against her hubby or her morther in law. and y shud she not have children maybe children wud change her hubby. he might feel more love towrds our sister.
we shud all just try and listen as i think ..for now all she needs is someone to just sit and listen without judging her and her hubby or their relationship. and to encourg her to step back and rethink her own attitude towrds her hubby... becuz he really cant be all so hrrbl c'mon the guy agreed to marry her as she agreed to marry him, and the mother probz arrngd the whole thing!
and mother in laws arnt all tht baddd!!!! get this myth out ur minds!! they r mothers and mothers r not bad...yes they feel anger but if ur own mother gets angry wit u , u wudn't start answering bak wud u! u wud instd jus listen...:s i hate double standrds!! get over the whole saas bahu issue...it dnt have to be tht way!! its up to urself to change it!
so sister just cool off ur mind.. and like i said once b4..get closer to ALLAH..and inshaALLAH HE saw will help u and give u peace within!... never think of the worse.be postv:)