I haven’t posted in a really long time, but wanted to ask how you would deal with this situation as it happens quite often in my home and gets on my nerves.
So my hubby has three guy friends from college who are all married with families of their own that live within 30 minutes from us. We get together every so often and enjoy each other’s company for the limited amount of time we are together. They are all very nice (husband and wives), but very stingy when it comes to gifts or bringing stuff over or splitting the bill. My hubby still goes out of his way to buy them expensive gifts and always take nice gifts (food and otherwise) for them. He also ends up paying the bill for dinners a few times we have gotten together when everyone is supposed to chip in ( the bills are over $250). They never paid him back. We are by no means rich or better off than them. The guys all have similar jobs to hubby and two even make more than him.
Now hubby is coming back from an overseas trip and wants to make sure out of the sweets/mithai/goodies he is bringing back that I distribute half amongst his three friends and keep the rest for us meaning about 1kg for each. Mind you I have a large extended close family here too but he’s not bringing for them. How do I deal with this? His friends hardly bring us anything when they come from trips or have their parents visit from Pakistan. Plus it’s not easy bringing stuff from overseas as it is. What can I do? I’m not trying to be cheap or anything but just tired of dealing with this.
You cannot value a persons friendship based upon what kind of gifts he/she brings. Some people are just too stingy but are sincere and are a great help when you need them. I will not mind paying for their dinner. Then there are others who are quick to reciprocate gifts but are selfish and more of fair weather friends, I don't value their gifts who expensive they may be.
That's true. It's not really about them giving us gifts- lavish or not. It's more about my husband being too nice and spending too much on them. They may be sincere friends, but how can you be so oblivious to thinking about or considering others needs and feelings? If all the guys have planned dinner, don't you feel obligated to chip in, since your family is a part of the dinner?
thats why I don't have friends. I mean I have friends but I keep them leashed to the school/work. No home. So I don't have to deal with this BS. Family comes first before friends. Too bad your husband doesn't understand this.
Just tell your husband how you feel. Why does he keep doing shizz for them when his friends are stingy as hell?
I have spoken to him about it and he knows how I feel. He still thinks it's ok for him to do as he does. He thinks when he gets gifts and pays for food it's not a big deal. They will "pay him back later"...which never happens but they won't decline meeting up again for dinner. He tells me I don't have to meet them if I don't want to. I don't dislike them or mind their company but I hate it when we're always the ones going out of our way to dine and gift them. Any advice or tips on dealing with this?
The fact that they don"t give expensive gifts is ok. I don't give expensive gifts either anymore as we socialize a lot and it all adds up. And I am glad others don"t give expensive ones either but its not ok at all not to chip in for dinner! Seen that a lot in Pakistan but not in the US. If we plan to go out with our friends and they feel a place is too expensive for their budget, we change the venue.
Since, your husband is still abroad why don't you tell him to bring enough mithai etc so that you can give it to other people that you want to as well? Or cut down on the amount he is giving them so you can give to your friends/ family too. He will not budge from his stance of not giving gifts at all to his friends.
You cannot value a persons friendship based upon what kind of gifts he/she brings. Some people are just too stingy but are sincere and are a great help when you need them. I will not mind paying for their dinner. Then there are others who are quick to reciprocate gifts but are selfish and more of fair weather friends, I don't value their gifts who expensive they may be.
you can't get a better answer in this thread. For guys, a friendship isn't has to be materialistic. What matters is if the friends can be there for me when i need them. To prove that, they don't have to pay my bills or give me expensive gifts. you kind a just know and specially if you have old friends then yeah.
Ugh. It's so annoying. They might be "there" for him, but they weren't there to help when we moved, they didn't come to the hospital or home when we had our babies, etc, etc. I bet it's partly because hubby doesn't expect things in return but darn it doesn't that allow us the chance to sometimes be a part of that too? I'm not going to ask him to bring more stuff, as he will just say to give from our portion. Heck, he's not even bringing any for his sister!
do you guys suggest I bite my tongue and just make smaller packs for his friends? What about advice and tips for future gift giving and dinners? How do you ensure everyone understands that they will pay for a group dinner? Or even take turns paying?
How can I make hubby see that we are the only ones who take stuff like cake, pastries, chocolates, gifts for kids when we're invited to their homes EVERY time? The last party we were invited to was a birthday so I packed a nice gift. One the drive there hubby stops by a nice bakery and picks up a cake my daughter picks out so she can have it with her friends there to share. (We're going to a kids bday so why do we even need a cake??) We show up to the party and the wife didn't even put it out. I kindly pointed out that my daughter brought it for her friends and she tells me bluntly not to mind and that she will save it to have later when all the guests leave because it looks so good. ?!?!? She is gori but goray aren't even like that! I told hubby and he's like well she told you like it is. Then whyyyyyyyyy do you continue to be so generous? Lol sorry I just needed to vent....
I completely understand your frustration. The difficulty is that if your husband acknowledges it all but still thinks okay, I'm not sure what can be done. There has to be some willingness on his part that things should change. After all, if the friendship is not based on materialistic things, then he shouldn't feel the need to go over the top.
I wouldn't say anything and see if you can make smaller packs... if you need to mention what you're doing, say that it's the thought that counts and that X amount should be enough. But then you do need to see how he reacts to this....
For the dinners, that unfortunately is up to your hubby to sort out so you will need to get him on board and make him appreciate that it's difficult financially to keep footing the bill and why doesn't he suggest that every time there's a dinner, it's the next persons 'treat'... after all, you're not taking them out for dinner. Personally, I dislike this and think the bill should be divided at the end of the meal.. then there is no bad feeling if one dinner cost more than another but that would really require more effort on your hubby's part to hold back when the bill comes so that there is a discussion about splitting it.
Ugh. It's so annoying. They might be "there" for him, but they weren't there to help when we moved, they didn't come to the hospital or home when we had our babies, etc, etc. I bet it's partly because hubby doesn't expect things in return but darn it doesn't that allow us the chance to sometimes be a part of that too? I'm not going to ask him to bring more stuff, as he will just say to give from our portion. Heck, he's not even bringing any for his sister!
do you guys suggest I bite my tongue and just make smaller packs for his friends? What about advice and tips for future gift giving and dinners? How do you ensure everyone understands that they will pay for a group dinner? Or even take turns paying?
How can I make hubby see that we are the only ones who take stuff like cake, pastries, chocolates, gifts for kids when we're invited to their homes EVERY time? The last party we were invited to was a birthday so I packed a nice gift. One the drive there hubby stops by a nice bakery and picks up a cake my daughter picks out so she can have it with her friends there to share. (We're going to a kids bday so why do we even need a cake??) We show up to the party and the wife didn't even put it out. I kindly pointed out that my daughter brought it for her friends and she tells me bluntly not to mind and that she will save it to have later when all the guests leave because it looks so good. ?!?!? She is gori but goray aren't even like that! I told hubby and he's like well she told you like it is. Then whyyyyyyyyy do you continue to be so generous? Lol sorry I just needed to vent....
We can't really know what kind of friends they are, only your husband can know that but one of my best friends is extremely kanjoos makhi choos. It bothered me at that time and I even said it to him on his face (we were very close) and he said, he is just like that and can't help it. Then once I was in deep ****, that could really have turned my life upside down. I was in bad and dangerous company and did not realise the gravity of situation. He really showed a lot of guts, he saved my ass and pulled me out of that situation even though by doing so he put himself in real danger. I forever feel indebted to him.
Ugh. It's so annoying. They might be "there" for him, but they weren't there to help when we moved, they didn't come to the hospital or home when we had our babies, etc, etc. I bet it's partly because hubby doesn't expect things in return but darn it doesn't that allow us the chance to sometimes be a part of that too? I'm not going to ask him to bring more stuff, as he will just say to give from our portion. Heck, he's not even bringing any for his sister!
do you guys suggest I bite my tongue and just make smaller packs for his friends? What about advice and tips for future gift giving and dinners? How do you ensure everyone understands that they will pay for a group dinner? Or even take turns paying?
How can I make hubby see that we are the only ones who take stuff like cake, pastries, chocolates, gifts for kids when we're invited to their homes EVERY time? The last party we were invited to was a birthday so I packed a nice gift. One the drive there hubby stops by a nice bakery and picks up a cake my daughter picks out so she can have it with her friends there to share. (We're going to a kids bday so why do we even need a cake??) We show up to the party and the wife didn't even put it out. I kindly pointed out that my daughter brought it for her friends and she tells me bluntly not to mind and that she will save it to have later when all the guests leave because it looks so good. ?!?!? She is gori but goray aren't even like that! I told hubby and he's like well she told you like it is. Then whyyyyyyyyy do you continue to be so generous? Lol sorry I just needed to vent....
I totally understand where ur coming from, it's so annoying, my husband is the same. He goes all out for his friends.
When I go out for dinner with friends we split the bill or pay our own but if its with hubby n friends he pays for everyone. I don't think this is fair, n I don't know how anyone can sit back n let 1 person pay the whole bill!!
I don't thinks can do much as he knows how u feel but hasn't changed. N if he isn't even bringing back for his sister then what can you do? Other than making smaller portions without him noticing.
Seriously, after a few times of this happening one can easily conclude that those others are taking him for a ride.
Some people just can't realize this forever......until something happens that makes them realize it all of a sudden.
its hard, but try to make new friends, and reduce time with those friends (slowly) if possible.
How can I make hubby see that we are the only ones who take stuff like cake, pastries, chocolates, gifts for kids when we're invited to their homes EVERY time? The last party we were invited to was a birthday so I packed a nice gift. **One the drive there hubby stops by a nice bakery and picks up a cake my daughter picks out so she can have it with her friends there to share. (We're going to a kids bday so why do we even need a cake??) **We show up to the party and the wife didn't even put it out. I kindly pointed out that my daughter brought it for her friends and she tells me bluntly not to mind and that she will save it to have later when all the guests leave because it looks so good. ?!?!? She is gori but goray aren't even like that! I told hubby and he's like well she told you like it is. Then whyyyyyyyyy do you continue to be so generous? Lol sorry I just needed to vent....
I'm sure the firendship is strong in other ways, but I totally get why you'd be annoyed both at them and him. Frankly, if someone acted like that, I wouldn't bother bringing anything again and again and being so generous.
And to be totally honest, that's actually really weird to bring a second cake to a birthday party when it wasn't even requested.......I kinow your reasons and intentions were different but if I were a host, I'd maybe even feel a little insulted, that what I have isn't good enough for you? (I know that's not the intention but that's how the action can come across). I would do a nice gift the first time, but after that I would only reciprocate. If you don't give my kids anything, or if you give very little (which is totally ok!) then dont' expect me to shell out $50-100 for your kids bday. It's not being stingy or chota dil its just not being taken advantage of.
Wow! Some friends they are! I can understand some people being frugal! But being frugal does not mean preying on other poeple's money! If you chose to go out to dinner with someone offer to split the bill or politely decline and offer to do something more frugal. I have friends who have adifferent budget than ours and gardly eat out. But never have they taken advantage of us like that. We do other things together like go to the zoo or do potlucks.
Keep talking to your husband, hope he understands!
Some people have deep-seated insecurities that cause them to "buy" relationships. Is your husband close to any of his family? Seems not if he's not bringing anything for her. (This should make you feel better about him not bringing anything for your family.)
Some people are just generous and don't consider money to be the defining factor.
Allah keeps track of such stuff even if we don't.
I wonder how much of his spending is being considered as sadaqa and keeping you and your family safe from difficulties.....
Some people have deep-seated insecurities that cause them to "buy" relationships. Is your husband close to any of his family? Seems not if he's not bringing anything for her. (This should make you feel better about him not bringing anything for your family.)
Some people are just generous and don't consider money to be the defining factor.
Allah keeps track of such stuff even if we don't.
I wonder how much of his spending is being considered as sadaqa and keeping you and your family safe from difficulties.....
I don't agree with the last part of your comment because I see sadaqa as a means to help those who are in need. There are definitely people more deserving of OP's husband's help, since some of these friends earn more than her husband does.
OP, I know exactly what you're going through. My husband and I had a lot of arguments over this exact issue early on in our marriage. He has lived away from his family a lot and says his friends are like his family to him. He would go out of his way to help friends who rarely returned the favour. Like with you, none of them ever offered to help us move (my family was the one that ended up helping us with all that). My husband, on the other hand, drove almost 2 hours to go help his friend get his new apartment set up. He would also give them thousands of dollars in loans (and sometimes even as gifts) to deck out their rides, so then we sometimes had to postpone and/or cancel activites we wanted to do.
It took us a while to rach a resolution and was a very slow process. I had to keep explaining to him why we needed to save our money, but alhamdolillah he got it eventually; although to be perfectly honest, I think it was more the fact that his parents needed money that made him change. The way we resolved the gift situation is that now we keep an eye out for sales on stuff we might want to gift our friends. That way we'll still be giving them something nice but not breaking the bank either.
My suggestion in this situation is...let him do as he pleases.
It sounds like he's just like that. And he won't understand your stance until he sees it too. And he might - but it will take some time as well as silence from you. Let him do it until he gets it.