I’ve been talking to someone I know who got married recently, she’s around 8 years younger than her husband and they’ve had a good start to the marriage so far. She’s always said that she wants to wait for 2 years before she has kids, as she feels like she wants to progress in her career before taking some time out. Her husband initially said he was okay with this, but now has started to pester her with the ‘baby question’.
The reason he’s starting to feel like this is because he feels like it is the right time for him to have kids, he’s worried about being too old before he becomes a dad and he wants to start early because he feels like it’s the next natural stage to move onto.
My friend is just a bit worried as she does want to have kids one day, but just not NOW as she is too uncomfortable the idea now. Her husband is not backing off from the issue, and it’s starting to make her feel that she should give in, as they are becoming argumentative about it. She’s currently taking birth control and has started taking it secretly so that her hubby doesn’t see, but isn’t sure what to do as she doesnt want to hide things from her hubby.
What would you advise someone in that position to do? Stand their ground and take their birth control etc, or just listen to what hubby wants? Can there be any such compromise here?
I've been talking to someone I know who got married recently, she's around 8 years younger than her husband and they've had a good start to the marriage so far. She's always said that she wants to wait for 2 years before she has kids, as she feels like she wants to progress in her career before taking some time out. Her husband initially said he was okay with this, but now has started to pester her with the 'baby question'.
The reason he's starting to feel like this is because he feels like it is the right time for him to have kids, he's worried about being too old before he becomes a dad and he wants to start early because he feels like it's the next natural stage to move onto.
My friend is just a bit worried as she does want to have kids one day, but just not NOW as she is too uncomfortable the idea now. Her husband is not backing off from the issue, and it's starting to make her feel that she should give in, as they are becoming argumentative about it. She's currently taking birth control and has started taking it secretly so that her hubby doesn't see, but isn't sure what to do as she doesnt want to hide things from her hubby.
What would you advise someone in that position to do? Stand their ground and take their birth control etc, or just listen to what hubby wants? Can there be any such compromise here?
i don't think it is a good move to secretly take birth control. I think that is being deceitful. I do believe it is far enough to want a little bit of time of your relationship.......go on a honeymoon, etc but you should have your husband on the same page as you.
I believe the ultimate decision to have kids should rest with the woman. It's HER life and her body that will undergo overwhelming changes (definitely more so than dad!). Pressuring her into having a baby may make her resentful and angry, definitely not something a new mom should be feeling.
Though going on birth control secretly is not a good solution, she should stand her ground.
Personally I feel women should not be pushed into having kids. And some women when they are pushed into having kids are resentful towards the hubby and kids, and that does not make for a happy family.
I think the husband should wait, she is young and both should be on the same page of wanting kids.
He's right when he says that it's his right to have children. So, unless he made a promise or something to her that he'll wait, I don't see him doing anything wrong by asking for a child. A child is a right to both partners and she shouldn't be taking pills to prevent that.
As for her career, the first and foremost responsibility for a woman is towards her husband and children. And, no I'm not being a sexist, but really, Allah has given the right to motherhood to women, she's in the best position for this job. It's not her job to work outside the house, even though she can. A man's responsibility is to provide for the family.
Even if she does have a baby, she can still continue her job, Insha'Allah, after a break. Lots of women do that.
As other have stated mad hatter, she should just let him know that she needs time to get used to the idea. Having a baby is a big deal and ultimately her decision since she will be the carrying him/her around for nine months. @ KaafHaaAynSaad, I don't think she is working to provide the family, I think she has a career for a sense of fullfillment.
She's always said that she wants to wait for 2 years before she has kids, as she feels like she wants to progress in her career before taking some time out. Her husband initially said he was okay with this, but now has started to pester her with the 'baby question'.
So the wife was honest with him about her feelings. He was fully aware of her desire to wait and in fact, led her to believe that he would be supportive. And now as her husband....he needs to keep his word.
At the end of the day....she obviously has some "dreams" she wants to fulfill. The husband being 8 years older than her.....he needs to be a "man of his word" and stop pressuring his wife. This is something he obviously should've throught more about BEFORE marriage. But now that they're married, he needs to keep his word and not take advantage of his wife's trust in him (she trusted him when he told her he was ok with waiting to have kids).
Out of curiosity.....how old is the husband that he feels such a rush to have kids?
He's right when he says that it's his right to have children. So, unless he made a promise or something to her that he'll wait, I don't see him doing anything wrong by asking for a child. A child is a right to both partners and she shouldn't be taking pills to prevent that.
As for her career, the first and foremost responsibility for a woman is towards her husband and children. And, no I'm not being a sexist, but really, Allah has given the right to motherhood to women, she's in the best position for this job. It's not her job to work outside the house, even though she can. A man's responsibility is to provide for the family.
Even if she does have a baby, she can still continue her job, Insha'Allah, after a break. Lots of women do that.
What's more fulfilling than becoming a mother?
Nothing wrong in being a mother but if you're not ready, you're not ready, end of discussion. It's easy to say "but it's a natural role for women!" but really.....it's only men who would never understand what motherhood and pregnancy entails that say that.
A woman's only role isnt' to be a homemaker and have kids (if she finds fulfilment in only that, then that's absolutely great) but if she wants a career too, there should be nothing wrong with taht either.
as fro the couple in question, I understand her feelings but she's really not helping herself by taking birth control on the sly. as difficult as it may be, she should be honest and upfront with her husband and hopefully they can work it out.. (and not just "have a baby" to fix the issues.)
She has to fulfill the rights of her husband, too. Both have equal rights to having a child.
There are women who are desperate to have children, while their husband want to "enjoy life" and be more settled. I have read that myself. in that case, the husband is at fault for withholding her rights.
She has to fulfill the rights of her husband, too. Both have equal rights to having a child.
There are women who are desperate to have children, while their husband want to "enjoy life" and be more settled. I have read that myself. in that case, the husband is at fault for withholding her rights.
I do not think husband is at fault and he is not withholding her right. In this classic case, one party is not ready to have kids..what are ya gona do..shove the decision on your partner in the name of "right".
As for a topic in discussion. Generally speaking as i stated..there has to be proper communication based on compromise and mutual understanding. Marriage doesn't mean..you shove the decision on your partner..it means to communicate and come to common ground of some sort.
She has to fulfill the rights of her husband, too. Both have equal rights to having a child.
There are women who are desperate to have children, while their husband want to "enjoy life" and be more settled. I have read that myself. in that case, the husband is at fault for withholding her rights.
And where do her rights come in? If she could suggest to wait fora year instead of two and he agreed on it, that is a compromise that both can be happy with. but if he is saying "no I want kids right now." then yes he is wrong.
And for the desperate women argument--just because person 1 is desperate for a child doesn't mean person 2 should just have kids right away.
A person NOT willing to have a child at the moment (girl in question only wants to delay by a few years, not forever) isn't doing anything wrong.
As far as I know, both have equal right to it, even if he wants his children right away. When you get married, you should expect to have kids. Unless, he made a promise of some sort, I really think she should agree to it. Her first priority is towards her family. Khair, Insha'Allah, I hope they reach a mutual agreement.
I'm just giving my opinion, sisters. Though, I see you guys don't agree with it.
I don’t think she should go behind his back and take bc pills, by adding deciet to an already rocky situation, she will not be doing herself any favors. With that being said, the decision has to be mutual. It’s not like she’s saying she never wants to have children…right?? What’s the big deal in waiting a couple of years, especially since they had already mutually agreed to this??
Forcing your wants on a spouse is never a good idea and it’s not condusive for a healthy relationship. A child concieved out of force could lead to possible resentment in the future, and that would just be a crying shame. Playing the devil’s advocate here, what happens if she caves in to her hubby’s pressure, gets pregnant and has the baby and still is not ready/happy to be a mother… :nono: not good at all…hubby needs to chill and respect her desire to not rush into parenthood…