I have been sending my wife money from Canada to Pakistan every month since our Nikkah in 2019. I have applied to sponsor her but because of Covid, our sponsorship and PR application has been delayed. She has never ever spent any of the money i sent her in the last year and a half, i always encouraged her that its our money and that if she ever needs to spend it for her expenses she is most welcome. She finally recently in the last 12 days started to utilize her debit card which is linked to our joint account in Pakistan.
I haven't really paid attention to her withdrawing from the ATM for Rs 5 k here or there, or spending for a meal at a restaurant, ice cream place but today she spent Rs 32 k at a grocery store which literally gave me a heart attack. I obviously felt compelled to ask her about it. I didn't ask her aggressively or raise the topic immediately. I waited while asking about her day, how she was doing and 15-20 minutes i decided to ease in to the conversation and asked her what did you spend Rs 32k on at a grocery stroke, that also with a few smilies. I didn't want to ask her in an agree or nasty condescending tone like my sister's husband does with my sister but still it was important that i have this conversation with her.
She claims she got a gift for a family member and a chocolate. I told her that its my job to provide for her and to keep her happy and then in a light hearted tone also told her to please understand the heart attack i will get if i see a charge of Rs 32k on our card. I then told her that lets reach an agreement that if either of us needs to make a major expensive purchase then we will both keep each other in the loop and seek each others consent, run it by each other.
How do you guys have this sensitive conversation with your spouses without getting too overtly emotional with your spouse or being nasty, condescending with them at the same time?
And there my wife spent $250k on her Porsche and I have to swallow the bullet.
Did you set any ground rules, limits or restrictions before giving her access to your accounts and cards? If no then you shouldn’t be having a heart attack. If $32k was a big amount for you then you should’ve made it clear in the beginning how much she could withdraw.
On one hand you pretend to be a big-hearted / rich / caring / ‘money no issue’ show-off kinda husband by giving her unlimited access without setting any limits, on other you are getting upset if she spent xyz amount more than you could have afforded.
Come clear and inform her how much she could spend and what can you afford.
I’m sure she must be feeling quite embarrassed at the moment but mainly coz you did not turn out to be what you made her believe in terms of affordability.
It is Rs 32k, 250 dollars. I feel when much older men go to poor countries to marry much younger girls they should atleast provide them with financial freedom, condescending , hisaab on 250 is not cool.
Laws are strict here and women have lots of rights. Husbands cand admonish or control their spendings
It seems that did not lay down the ground rules from day one.
When I got married, I opened up to her about the risks that I was taking, and told her that we can’t make any expensive purchases for at least 5 years, because financial independence was my only goal in life at that point. She was understanding and asked if she could work, I said by all means.
How can you assume that he is an older man? He might’ve recently migrated to Canada himself for all we know. $250 might not be much to you, but 32k rs is certainly a large sum of money for someone in Pakistan.
He had shared in his last post his wife is 15 years younger, merely 20. Even minimum wage here is around 35 k a year. Yes if 250 is going to give you a heart attack than that should be discussed before marriage and before handing over the debit card. Our laws here prevents spouses from controlling
finances
I had checked for fun and most groceries cost same as in Canada
Why is everyone looking down on this guy? We don’t know his financial condition. Nowhere did he show-off, all he did was let his wife know that the money is “ours”, he never explicatively told his wife his wife that all of it belonged to her.
If someone is having a literal heart attack just by their wife spending a couple of hundred dollars who is not even living with them yet, then they should have a cold hard look into their prospective finances and ability to to provide and maintain a decent lifestyle and shelter for their partner, children and other essential expenses that will pile up as married life goes on especially in the West, this is only the beginning, $250 will be easily spent on a daily basis. Not sure if the OP has thought through all these upcoming expenses!
Ok so you would not assume an accountant living and working in Canada for close to a decade might not be able to afford $250 spending money for his new wife? who come on man…
Who cares man? If you can’t give the man some grown-up advice, don’t mock him either…
Btw, if you went through the trouble of finding out what he does for a living, you must’ve also seen that not too long ago, he was making a little over 1/6th the cost of your wife’s Porsche…
In our society trying to control a spouses spending is classified as financial abuse, admonishing, condescending and over emotionalism is classified as verbal. psychological and emotional abuse, One of the guy we know married a girl younger than his daughter and ended up in jail losing everything.
For Advice in this society most western men hand over finances to wives since women are financially more responsible and they approve mans spending, my best canadian friend makes 250k plus, wife doesnt work and he cant eat a burger without her permission.
A lot of us are wary of the exploitative nature of overseas marriages so we feel it is important to speak up. It is the west that prompted women protection laws in PK.
So true brother, my first wife kicked me out of my mansion on the river and I am still paying all the bills, i LAUNCHED HER CAREER IN REAL ESTATE AND SHE IS NOW MAKING insane amount of money and does not contribute in expenses, I go home everyday to give groceries, cook and clean and get chit from her on a daily basis, I cant protest or she will ban me from the house and I wont be able to see my kids, but Sam is so worth it. I cant believe she chose me and treats me like a king. @navzzz is my savior and gave me great advice, doing leg excercises makes one the man that can please. I sometimes climb 150 floors.
The OP has been posting about his personal life on these fora for over half a decade and everybody knows about him. May be my views about other peoples’ finances are skewed by my own circumstances and hence I am not able to relate to his situation…and may be you are able to relate to him for the same reasons, and that is fine. That is the end of my contribution in this thread.
When was the last time you visited Pakistan? I’d like a better view of how well you know the cost of living/lifestyle there.
What does her monthly spending statement look like? How often does she buy things on your credit card? It seems that this is her first time spending this amount. You should have let it go.
Does she have or is she aware of her preset monthly allowance? You need to set clear numbers and let her know.
Spending money after being encouraged to spend it and then being questioned about it would lead a woman to:
Get nervous, go into fight and flight mode, and maybe even lie that the spending was a gift for someone else.
Feel incompetent and undermined - think that the husband is questioning her sanity, intellect and ability to make purchases or manage finances.
Sense mistrust– Husband ultimately mistrusts his wife with HIS money.
Double-guess husband's credibility from now onwards. He contradicts himself.
Fear for her future – It is inherently natural for women to crave emotional, physicial and financial security.
Some men need to understand that once the money is spent, you better make a good face and pretend it’s all good. Complaining and picking arguments won’t bring the money back. Instead, you will put your relationship down the drain, demonstrate to her that it’s YOUR money that you don’t trust her with, ruin her shopping experience altogether and despite having paid for it, you won’t be getting credit for having paid for it. You’ll go from heroic to monster real fast within the count of 3.
What you should have done is: [INDENT=2]1. Wait until she informs you of her purchase and her reasoning for it. Or playfully ask what she’s been shopping around for because you got a notification. Be respectful and gentle. Once the topic gets rolling, you can pitch in and give your honest opinion of how you think 32k is too much for a gift or whatever her story is. Use this opportunity to set boundaries and limits in a respectful manner. Let her know that you trust her with the money. It all boils down to how to speak to a woman. You need to think it through beforehand and make sure your tone and words are amicable and not patronizing.
Example: Apne shopping kee tow soch samaj k kee hogi. Aap bohut [xyz insert authentic compliment here]. Maine pehle aapse nahee kaha kyunk mujhe idea nahee tha aap major purchase kerne walee hain, lakin main chahta hoon next time aap zehen may rakhen. Abee filhal….** [Insert current financial situation here listing examples so she’s in the loop and knows the full picture]. Main khud bhee soch samaj k spend kerta hoon **[Give examples of where your money is going and how you are budgeting so she knows this is a two-way road and you guys are a team]. Lakin InshaAllah, someday jab financial situation better hogee, tab aap apni marzi se karna. [Insert positive, realistic promise here].
OR you would take the backseat and let it go. It’s the first time she’s done it. Let her slide this one time, it’s not like the money will come back. Wait a few days and indirectly mention your financial circumstances so she would be more responsible next time. You must give her detailed examples so she has a better understanding of your perspective. She doesn’t live in Canada and lacks awareness regarding your bills/finances. [/INDENT]
Marriage is about taking the backseat every now and then. Nobody likes pettiness, especially not in a man. Learn to let things slide every now and then and avoid micromanaging each other.
** …What’s yours is ours?..
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