My daughter is 3 years old. I m living in my parents home now a days and will continue living for next few months due to my studies. (My in laws live in another city). The problem is that my 30 year old brother (he is unmarried) shows his love and affection towards my daughter by continous kissing on her cheeks. I never liked it. NEVER
I dnt say that i sense something REALLY WRONG and alarming in my brother's way of love . But still I DO NOT LIKE IT. I have tried to convey my reaction in hidden words to my brother many times but he does not get it. I cant discuss it with my mother openly she will get furious over my wrong thoughts and will take side to her son (i know her v well).
plz tell me how to convey my reaction so that my brother will stop doing it. And no one would take me wrong
I AM WORRIED . PLEASE I NEED HELP i cant share it with any friend even. Thats why i have posted it here
Has he done anything questionable towards you when you lived in that house or any other family member?
How is your brother’s relationship with your baby? Do you have other neices and nephews? Is he the same with them? Does he show his love through other ways such as taking them out, buying them candies/toys and playing with them? Maybe he is just really fond of kids and likes the cuddles. Toddlers are really just lovable and its fun cuddling them. I suggest you really sit back and evaluate your thought process. It is easy to judge your post but as a parent myself I understand your urge to protect your child. I am also aware of the fact that we cannot really know someone else’s situation and the events that might have led to such anxiety. Whether or not your thoughts are justified entirely depends on your brother’s character and how you’ve known him to be over all these years.
From a third party’s perspective there is a 50-50 chance of your brother being a pervert.
Let’s assume your brother’s intentions are wrong: If he is someone you cannot trust, then by all means distance yourself and your child and move to your own place instead of living with them. If you cannot do that, then your daughter’s safety is clearly not as important as your personal agenda for why you are living with your family. Minimize contact between your baby and him until you move out asap.
Let’s assume your brother is innocent: you should still move out because I cant imagine having mentally degraded someone so low and living with them everyday.
Conveying your thoughts directly would only start a drama that will last a lifetime. Not to mention tarnished relationships between you and your family. I’d start to openly teach her (in the presence of your family) about no random kisses/hugs. During your casual discussions, bring in the fact that your daughter is growing up and you are teaching her about personal space to protect her from strangers. Include how you are toning down excessive kisses/hugs so that if anything at daycare/school happens, she’d tell you about it. If your brother pays no heed to your words, go ahead and confront him gently while reinforcing the material I listed above. If he is smart, he would amend himself without further reiteration from your end.
It took you three years to realize that your baby being excessively kissed makes you uncomfortable whereas you should’ve stopped anyone from doing this since day 1. When you reinforce the same set of rules from the very beginning it eventually becomes norm for your social circle and family members and they don’t take it personally anymore.
A mother should always trust her gut.
No
You have to talk to your brother. Dont say what you are thinking but just tell him your daughter is not a infant anymore and more of a kid. And as a kid you dont like her to feel anyone’s touch (or kiss) by any means which includes him. I’m not sure how religious you all are or not even sure if religion has a ruling here but you can mention it to him. Just dont go too deep. Hopefully he’ll get a hint and not do anymore. You have choose really good words during that discussion otherwise it may end up ugly
I have started living with them since last 2 months only. And plan to live for only next 3 months. I m living here coz i hv to finish my degree my exams r near otherwise the trauma i m facing on each weekend ( he comes on weekend only ) would def. leave this place.
he also loves loves the same way with his nephew but not more than my daughter bcz she is LAADLI of everyone she is eldest them all. I cannot understand how to space her on weekends i m so helpless.
and i never seen or experienced that my brothr had been indulged in any wrong doing. At least as much as i know him so far
yes he takes her out to buy candies
i m so tired of this situation that even i have started scolding my baby out of depression. Now everyone says i m a bad mother
Some people are, by nature very touchy feely type and they just can’t resist the urge to show their affection to their loved ones. Your brother is 30 & unmarried so maybe his parenting instincts are also kicking in and if there are no other toddlers in the house, your daughter naturally gets his full attention and adoration. Being 3 yrs old is still quite an adorable age group.
One of my first cousins, being the baby brother of 3 older sisters continued to get similar affection from the oldest sister even around 14, 15 yrs old and it would annoy the hell outta him 
So, if you don’t see any other odd/alarming behavior from him, most likely it’s just a passing infatuation and things will fall in place gradually.
I live in pakistan in a small city. We r religious but at a medium level. I have tried saying him my thoughts in hidden words but he just does not get it. If i say it openly to him he and my mother will take me wrong and saythat i have filthy thoughts.
what should i do now
@Cashmere
Somoeone in my close famiy tried to molest me when i was only 11 years old. God saved me. This is the reason behind my disliking of extra kisses to my daughter.
i never disclosed thisbad incident of my life to anyone
I understand the dilemma. But somehow I’m a big advocate of resolving things with communication. Is he close to any other female figure besides your mom? But usually a third-person only ruins the thing.
May be its time for you to announce upfront to everyone that you dont want anyone, like really anyone to kiss your girl as she’s growing up now. And also that you dont care if someone gets mad on this or wutever. Now some people mya ofcourse react angrily but since you are addressing everyone, your brother wont feel its for him only.
It’ll give them all a message that you are over-protective of your child and there is nothing wrong in that.
Normally people who do these kinds of things have a history of these actions. The absence of any such history means perhaps he is just a huggy uncle. However, if you are not comfortable with anyone touching your child then that should be respected.
- I had kind of suspected that, in that case you are right in keeping *vigilance
There is only one way you can do talk to your brother and tell him to stop and that is: talk to him, firmly, that don?t kiss him on cheek. Let him be shocked or angered if he does. Remain unapologetic if he acts hurt. And then act just as you usually do.
I will do it now. I hope he would get my point
otherwise he would discuss it with my mother and things will ruin for lifetime
Thanks to all of u. At least u all did not misunderstood me. It made me feel confident. Thanks for suggestions.
do you feel same way if anyone also kisses the kid? like your father, husband, father in law etc?
No one kisses her so much. This excessive thing makes me worry.
oh well… do note one thing…this is going to be enormously hurtful to your brother…so keep that in mind and prepare to live with it.
Teach the child instead what is ok what is not and who can do such things and when is too much
The kid herself can stop mamoo or make him understand better
Or better still teach her in front of your brother