I need advice on how to make my parents accept a risht for my sister.
The guy’s family came over a month ago to ask for my sister’s rishta. My parents were shocked cuz she is the youngest, still studying and on top over all this the guy’s family is of a different caste which is a big NO NO according to my parents.
My other sister and brother are too afraid of our parents and dont say a word to them so my parents dont get much resistance in this case. I tried to explain things to them and they just hung up the phone on me!
I live in a different country so the only way of speaking to them is on phone and they dont let me!
My sister likes the guy - not in lve with him or anything like that - but she really is fond of his values and personality. She really is picky and this guy seems to be fullfilling all her requirements.
She sent me a text message and told me that she was feeling very down cuz the guy’s family is in Pakistan and might find a rishta there.
My instant response to that is that if a guy cant convince his family and stand up for her today he is so not worth it. Her response to that was that they have the same spiritual guide (shaykh/peer) and if he tells her or him that they should let go cuz our parents arent accepting they feel that they have to do so as their shaikh’s request is an order for them. I dont really understand that mentality but want to respect my sister’s choice and path of life and want my parents to agree and accept the rishta.
I am sure there are lots of ppl here who have been through this.
My instant response to that is that if a guy cant convince his family and stand up for her today he is so not worth it. Her response to that was that they have the same spiritual guide (shaykh/peer) and if he tells her or him that they should let go cuz our parents arent accepting they feel that they have to do so as their shaikh's request is an order for them. I dont really understand that mentality but want to respect my sister's choice and path of life and want my parents to agree and accept the rishta.
I am sure there are lots of ppl here who have been through this.
So pleeeeeeease share your thoughts!
I am not getting you here. You said the guy's family came for rishta last month SO how are they not accepting this rishta?!. IF they are not then they wouldnt have come over. I am confused. Now ofcourse they can't wait all life for your family's response. Everyone has to go on with in life.
My suggestion: You said your sister is young, still studying SO as an elder sister make sure she is picking the right guy. Maybe its not only the caste that your parents has issues with? Can't you go home and have a one on one talk with your parents since you seem to be the one most comfortable to talk to them regarding this situation.
About your sister being young and studying, I dont know how many years of college are still left and if the guy's family would wait that long but you can try convincing your parents that they do not have to marry your sister off right away, they can wait until she finishes her studies and do only an engagement now.
About caste thing, well I cannot think of anything.
I know some people are just fixed on caste thing and it is difficult to convince them that it is just a caste and not religion.
I just came back from my home town. Visited my parents for 2 weeks holidays and was chocked to see what they are up to.
My sister is 21 and studying. There was another rishta for her during my stay and they were not interested in that rishta because my father says they don’t know the family. They said no to them. My comment was that they don’t know ANYONE at all at my sister’s age from their own caste so they have to start being more open to people.
My sister is insisting to proceed with the first rishta that was from outside the caste. She spoke to my mother and mum got very hysterical. I tried to speak to my dad but he got furious and I just felt all the bad feelings coming up again that I have tried to hide away from my own upbringing and teenage years where my parents really gave me a very hard time.
Now my sister wants me to speak to my dad through text messages cuz she thinks that I am the only one of the siblings who can help her….i m just stuck….if I write something he finds harsh he’ll just yell at my sister and they will all act weird and stupid with her..she is already depressed due to the family issues and the enovironment at home…don’t know what to do and how to help her
1.** Stand against your parents**....basically disobey them and get your sister married to that guy
Still hold parents decision as final.....then you can't do anything.....better to accept it and try to make your sister understand that some things are not destined...and thats all.......get over it
so keeping in view the situation....you can opt for 1 or 2 above
Your sister should talk to your mother about her preference of that proposal herself... so then your mother can discuss it with your dad. At least try talking so you wont have any regrets that maybe you should have tried harder... leave the rest to Allah.
My sister has already spoken to our mother but she wasnt willing to listen to her or me. she got hysterical while my sister was incredibly softspoken and calm.
My sister really wants to get married and move on with her life cuz noone in the family seems to care about her wishes in the daily life. she just wants to have her own life, her own place etc.
My mother has spoken to my dad but not to help my sister's case but to tell my dad that its impossible.....
My sister has already spoken to our mother but she wasnt willing to listen to her or me. she got hysterical while my sister was incredibly softspoken and calm.
My sister really wants to get married and move on with her life cuz noone in the family seems to care about her wishes in the daily life. she just wants to have her own life, her own place etc.
My mother has spoken to my dad but not to help my sister's case but to tell my dad that its impossible.....
I think you need take a stand against your parents, its time you and your sister stood up for your rights. Islam allows a woman to marry by choice and you need to drill that point home to your parents, that if they are being stubborn...they are in essence going against the teachings of Islam because of their preference for caste. I do feel sorry for your sister, your parents are being very unreasonable and they can't trample all over their daughters' wishes. You could also try to involve some older family members or friends who understand your sister's predicament and get them to intervene on her behalf.
Any khala, phuppo, mammu or chacha will just make the matter worse. In fact even the other siblings will make it worse by speaking to them as they agree with their views or at least pretend to do so......
alright then... drastic measures should be taken... ask your sister to start looking depressed and stuff in front of your parents... especially your mom, well i'm sure she already is depressed but resort to a little, subtle emotional blackmail... immature yes but it might work cz after all parents do love their children and want them to be happy.
In my family it doesnt help to cry. specially not in front of our mum. While I was visiting my family I saw how my brother misbehaved with my sister and used foul language. My mother blamed my sister for provoking my brother which made my sister cry a lot since she felt injustice.
My mother didnt even bother to make her stop crying or hug her or anything. Instead she started telling her off and speaking in a tone that made her cry even more.
I have also experienced such stuff before I got married.luckily I met a man who is caring and never made me cry!Alhamdulillah!
In my family it doesnt help to cry. specially not in front of our mum. While I was visiting my family I saw how my brother misbehaved with my sister and used foul language. My mother blamed my sister for provoking my brother which made my sister cry a lot since she felt injustice.
My mother didnt even bother to make her stop crying or hug her or anything. Instead she started telling her off and speaking in a tone that made her cry even more.
I have also experienced such stuff before I got married.luckily I met a man who is caring and never made me cry!Alhamdulillah!
Wow... well its time you and your sisters took a stand... I say Rebellion!
I say don't listen to all the advice on the internet and make matters worse. Take opinions with a pinch of salt (even my own) and look at your situation with your own eyes. Judge what is best for everybody concerned. If everything else fails, there is always abducting your sister, forcefully marry the guy and your sister and running away into the sunset. If that is too bollywood for you, try believing in fate and that Allah does everything for the best.
may I ask what caste your family belongs to? and the caste of your sister's suitor belonged to?
and did you consider convincing your sister instead of your parents? may be they are right this time. besides you cant judge the book by its cover so how can your sister be so sure about the guy's value even without being with him 24-7 because whether its a girl or a guy, everyone puts a good image, no one shares their dark side.
ps1. anything involves peeri-feekeri one should keep themselves away from it
ps2. anything that makes you crazy and you start feeling that "without IT, you are incomplete", should be left immediately .
ps3. your sister is 21, so what the rush is about?
1) wth is caste? We're not India. Muslims do not believe in caste system, all human beings are created equally and if your family doesn't see that they have much bigger problems to think about of their own before they involve another family through marriage.
2) I can't believe no one has said this yet.... Your sister should do Istikhara and then leave it up to Allah and see what happens, if its meant to be, things will become easier for her to get married to him. If things become more difficult, then it is really a sign that this could potentially be disastrous for her and Allah has something way better in store for her.
3) This peer stuff, I don't really wanna get started on it, but bottom line is, if the guy would take the word of his peer to marry someone else, then why would she want to be with him anyway? That dude would run her life, telling them what to name their kids, who they can socialize with, etc.
Basically my advice is, before trying to take matters in to your own hands, consult Allah. See how that works out. And then if your istikhara turns out good, then step two is to make dua. And then step three would be to possibly consult anyone that your parents might listen to to help persuade them. But again, if they are caught up in "caste" stuff, your sister will probably never have a happily married life. People with such narrow thinking as castes will always make your sister feel like she married in to a bad family and tell her how much she's missing out on and help build animosity between the spouses. It's a recipe for disaster.