A friend of mine is going through a rough time. A couple years ago, she met this guy who was really interested in her and pursued her like crazy. He would make these big romantic gestures, carefully thought out and well-executed. Everyone (including me) pushed her to go for him because he seemed pretty nice on the surface. Little did anyone know he was previously divorced and had a kid whom he disowned and hates with a passion. He came clean about his past after making sure my friend was fully attached to him emotionally. Well, there was a lot of drama afterwards in my friend’s family, not because the guy has a past but because he hid the truth for so long and only told her when they had become very serious and he knew she couldn’t back down now. He admits his approach may be perceived as wrong but says that he really likes her and wanted her to get to know him first without any labels.
The girl’s family finally agreed, at her insistence, to meet his parents. But at the meeting, the guy’s parents treated my friend like dirt, saying things like their son is so bhola-bhala/innocent…your daughter is seeing an opportunity…he hasn’t even come out of his tormented past yet…we are sure all this was just his ‘gham-ghalat karne ka tareeqa’ (he was just passing time with your daughter to forget his first love, his ex wife).
Anyway, after all this insult, the girl’s family, shocked and humiliated, obviously backed down and so did my friend for some time. But now again (it’s been a few months since the meeting) the guy has been messaging her nonstop and she is being pulled back into this mess. I just don’t know how to make her see that this is bad for her and she shouldn’t let herself be hurt by this dude over and over again. Even if he takes a stand for her (which he won’t based on past experience), his family will never accept her (and God knows for what reasons! My friend is mashallah a very good catch, so I don’t know why the objections). Any advice on what I should do to help her come out of this?
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Please make sure she doesn't go back to him, it will be the biggest mistake she makes in her life. She should count her blessings that the guy's parents were not happy with the rishta. You should tell your friend that there is no point entering a relationship where the guys parents don't approve (for all she knows they could have been the reason for the first marriage breaking). Also the guy doesn't seem trustworthy at all, especially the fact that he hates his child is ALARMING. This should send warning signals to her.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Its really sad to see where our society is heading, Girls running after cheaters, Men with kids are having illicit relations with married ladies.I wonder where have all the morals vanished.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Its really sad to see where our society is heading, Girls running after cheaters, guys prefering to marry divorced ladies, Men with kids are having illicit relations with married ladies.I wonder where have all the morals vanished.
Please tell....how is a man wanting to marry a divorced woman show a lack of morals?
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Ditto to Sara516^. I personally think a man that has a strong enough personality not to give into the social norm of wanting a virgin bride everytime he marries is a gem; in fact more of them amongst society would make the world a better place. There would be less parents worried about their divorced daughters and the choice of finding suitable matches for them would widen too.
OP, your friend IMHO had a bloody lucky escape. Why go back to something that didn't work previously.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Ahmed you would do well to remember that our beloved Prophet Pbuh married a divorced woman to show ppl that think like you that there is nothing immoral in marrying a divorced woman.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Marrying a divorced woman is not a problem or social stigma.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Slap her if she is still interested in this jerk. 
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
what a wimp...i dont know why guys dont man up and stand up to their families saying "i picked this grl and i'm not a baby so plz respect my choice". no, instead they let the grl be constantly humiliated by his family.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
She met him a couple of years ago but the meeting with parents took place a few months ago?? This has been dragging for quite sometime then. If it's been a couple of years, how're his parents still saying he hasn't gotten over his ex-wife yet?
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Icicle1: To be fair, some of us just ask for it, i.e this girl if she allows him to restart the whole process over again.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Its really sad to see where our society is heading, Girls running after cheaters, guys prefering to marry divorced ladies, Men with kids are having illicit relations with married ladies.I wonder where have all the morals vanished.
eerrr wth...our society is being infested by ppl like you...
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Hey Madzy!
The fact of the matter is that he lied to her (about his ex-wife). This should give her enough hint that how far he could go to manipulate her. Secondly..she sounds like..she is way to attached to him and her judgment is clearly clouded..that is why she is making excuses. She needs to let him go. Period. It will hurt her badly!..but she will get over this Insha'Allah. Tell her to let him go. And what most suprising is that..fella's parents' did tell her parents that..he hasn't gotten over his ex-wife. That should give her enough clue about all this.
Just tell her straightforward..that this is not meant to be for her.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Ahmed you would do well to remember that our beloved Prophet Pbuh married a divorced woman to show ppl that think like you that there is nothing immoral in marrying a divorced woman.
Dear Heart
Prophet Mohammad PBUH life is a sublime example.Ila Mashallah, Lets just suppose, Would you ever allow your Husband to marry a widow?
Lets just not get into it.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
She met him a couple of years ago but the meeting with parents took place a few months ago?? This has been dragging for quite sometime then. If it's been a couple of years, how're his parents still saying he hasn't gotten over his ex-wife yet?
They were introduced awhile back...like two years earlier maybe, but it was just as coworkers. They have been "together" maybe a year or so. The guy's parents are in Pakistan, hence the delay in the meeting of parents. Thing is, she and everyone else (including me) only knows as much about the guy as what we have heard from him. We don't know anyone else from his past (like back in Pak), so there is no way to verify any of what he has told anyone. Also, I personally would be hugely turned off by a guy who hid such a big piece of information from me.
But as Xtron mentioned, she is way too attached to him at this point and that is clouding her judgment for sure. It doesn't help that he keeps messaging her that he got into an accident or losing hair or what not. I just don't know what I can say or do to save her. She almost got into an accident when his parents returned back after the meeting. She has started looking like a patient and someone who is really miserable. Her mother approached me recently and asked me to talk some sense into her, as her parents are really worried about her. But I find nothing I say is working on her. She just keeps crying and saying, none of you know him well, he really cares about me etc.
Please pray for her and if someone has seen anyone go through something similar, please share what course of action works best in this situation.
Thank you, all.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
had a kid whom he disowned and hates with a passion.
A man who is capable of hating his own child, truly a maasoom in any failed relationship isn't worth one tear. Your friend is foolish to want to be with a man capable of abandoning his child and having hate in his heart for that child.
This is the fate that could be her own and her childrens. Enough said.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Madz#1. IMO she's being sucked into the familiarity of the relationship rather than the guy himself. Letting go of someone with whom you've been so emotionally attached with is really hard. Maybe (I could be wrong) at this point she needs a friend to listen to her cry and vent it all out. Maybe, she needs your presence by her side more then your words of advice. I think the wound is too fresh and she just needs time to get back to reality, in the mean time hear what she has to say and gradually help her see the light by talking about the practicality of the situation and the options she has for her better future, with or without him.
P.S. If your friend is a Muslim, has she tried doing an Istekhara for this guy?
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
Madz#1. IMO she's being sucked into the familiarity of the relationship rather than the guy himself.
^This.
I think it's not just the familiarity, but also the amount of time she's spent with him. Maybe she feels that all that time, be it months or years, will have gone to waste if this affair doesn't result in a marriage. If this is the case, then she's stuck more in the past and not concentrating on the present and future.
Apart from the above two psychological reasons, another factor to examine would be her self-esteem and why she doesn't want a guy who would be a more dedicated father. Does she think that she's not worthy of someone better or that she won't be able to find someone better?
I think you should address the possible psychological reasons with your friend as they might get to the root of the problem. She may at first disagree, but you would have planted the ideas in her mind and maybe she'll start to really think about things.
Lastly, if there are activities that she has slacked off on such as hobbies, personal goals, and even ibadat (which can bring peace), encourage her to get back on track with that so she has less time to dwell on him. If possible, a break or change in scenery. Maybe join her in various activities so she has company. It's a process, it will take time.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
A man who is capable of hating his own child, truly a maasoom in any failed relationship isn't worth one tear. Your friend is foolish to want to be with a man capable of abandoning his child and having hate in his heart for that child.
This is the fate that could be her own and her childrens. Enough said.
Sehrysh, you're right. The first marriage was a college affair turned into love and later arranged by parents. So that was a couple years of knowing each other well before a commitment happened. The engagement itself lasted over a year. Dhoom dhaam se shaadi and then the problems started. The marriage lasted less than a year and the baby came after the divorce papers were filed by the wife.
The guy or his family have refused to see the baby girl because they hate the ex wife and firmly believe she will raise the baby to be just like herself, so what is the point of associating with such people.
It sounds so cold and harsh. And now that he is claiming to be in love with my friend, who is to say that he won't turn on her in future and leave her without much thought or remorse! It all sounds so scary and I'm genuinely very concerned about her. I hope Allah gives her guidance in this matter.
Re: How to help a friend see the light and move onto from a painful past?
madz#2 and indigo,
Thank you. What you said makes sense and I'll try to approach her accordingly next time. Another problem is that she lives close to work and away from her family and friends. So it isn't feasible for anyone to give her physical company during this time. Only thing we can do is talk to her and pray for her. Istakhara sounds like a good idea too. I'll suggest that to her. I figure she wouldn't react negatively to that.