So here is the story. Boy meets girl, they introduce families to get the rishta approved ( to say it was very long and complicated hassle is an understatement). Now its time to discuss haq mehr cuz they are getting the nikah soon.
Here is the problem.
The boy wants to decide this with the girl only cuz is between them, understandable. However the girl knows for a fact her parents will want to discuss this with his family instead. And as typical haq mehr situation goes, it is known that most women dont even take the haq mehr, or take it and give it right back blah blah. Thats for the girl to decide. However, most parents (hers are annoyingly traditional) want the haq mehr for more “to show” purposes than anything else, getting actually money from the groom is not the concern, its just a number on a piece of paper - but again, the higher the number, the higher the izzat,or so its said.
Anyway… what should the girl do? The girl is NOT going to keep the money all to herself anyway, it will go right back to their account (but due to financial restraints, the groom isnt exactly loaded if you know what i mean). Yet he insists on giving it to her for her to do whatever with it, cuz that is the Islamic way and wants her to give a number. However she knows this will cause problems with the parents.
Advice please. And no funny business, actual sound advice is helpful.
Nikka is a contract, its a serious social contract. Just like a mortgage, car lease, or employment contract, you DONT write one thing on the contract for "show" but emotionally and ethically commit to something else verbally. As you have describe, such behavior only opens the contractual agreement to a lot of mess, misunderstanding and invites quarrels and egoistical arguments in the future. GUARANTEED.
Bottom line in your scenario: The girl's parents are essentially demanding an unreasonable, unreal, burdensome amount from the guy in exchange for their daughter. They insist putting a price on daughter for their ego's sake. They are turning it into a transaction, while mehr is only a right of the girl. It is ONLY a mandatory GIFT. Not a transaction FEE! They expect the couple to jump legal hoops later even if it creates injustices (girl demands money later thats right fully hers under some circumstance, but guy thinks he was forgiven and didn't actually HAVE to give it,for instance)
Only 3 ways this can go:
1) The girl's parents would suck it up, be real and grounded and drop the fake status quo. Also a highly unlikely path
2) Guy is forced to deal and settle with this abusive arrangement just to marry in (religious) legal courts and forced to violate his legal contract by not being able to give the mehr
3) The girl actually may NEVER end up getting her RIGHTFUL mehr because she is courteous about the abusive amount set on the contract and decides to give up her right and never sees her mehr.
Basically, if the parents DONT stop being total idiots in religious matters (such as a religious wedding) and STILL want to hold the "religious" wedding, then BOTH the bride and the groom will be WORST off as a result and be forced to act unjustly to the other or oneself.
This essentially prevents the groom from GIFTING out of love and joy and the bride is deprieved from receiving that love-filled sincere gift of mehr.
I don't know what advice you are looking for here....
To avoid any bad blood between both families keep the haqq meher situation to yourself. If you insist this is between you and your to-be...parents will not have a chance to have a back-and-forth.
I know why parents do this but its wrong. I did it the way I listed above and mine was the wedding with the LEAST amount of drama.
^^ keeping it to yourself is hard too, you know how it is with desi families... and this is decided ahead of times to avoid a fuss at the nikah time... sure the couple can decide amongst themselves what is right, but when families get in the middle, it turns ugly
Thanks for the scenarios bidganawab, it makes sense... and your question, what advice are you looking for.. is that how to handle the situation to avoid the fuss over this
Your husband to be agreeing to give you a large mehr on paper on the premise that you will forgive it requires a lot of trust that could theoretically end up becoming a massive liability for him. Why can't you tell your relatives etc. to mind their business? Don't tell me you're one of those "log kya kahain gai" people?
.... he insists on giving it to her for her to do whatever with it, cuz that is the Islamic way and wants her to give a number. However she knows this will cause problems with the parents......
The Islamic way would be to discuss it with the bride's guardians. If he is so Islamic, he shouldn't be talking too much with na-mahram to-be wife anyways.
The girl should just woman up and tell her parents not to bring this up with the guy's parents. Or she could wait for a guy who is okay with the izzat dar haq mehar her parents want.
^^ keeping it to yourself is hard too, you know how it is with desi families... and this is decided ahead of times to avoid a fuss at the nikah time... sure the couple can decide amongst themselves what is right, but when families get in the middle, it turns ugly
I do know how it is...that's why I am saying this.
I've seen the fuss at Nikah time and its so ugly.
It takes some courage but its the best route because at the end neither side can be mad at each other...they can get mad at you (which will be forgiven and forgotten since you're their children) but not each other.
Nobody in this scenario is taking the nikkah document seriously. In case women need to lawyer up watch them go over every document's fine print but the nikkah document and haq mehr provision continues to be a joke.
The girl should leave her parents out of it. If they try to get involved she should tell them she has discussed it with her fiancé and they have agreed on an amount which she is satisfied with. That's it. No need to say anything more. After all, once you are married and living with your husband, you will not be discussing every single aspect of your marital life with your parents so set the ground rules now. It's between you and him and that's final.
She said haq mehar was brought up at the nikah for the amount of 25 lakh rupees, but none was given to the bride as the couple was not living together. It was decided between the families, cash haq mehar would be given at the rukhsati. Bride also received two heavy gold karas, one diamond polki set, a small gold/stones set, and additional small gold earrings/lockets etc by other relatives. Over 4 years period, bride was given cash, clothes and small tops/necklace on each Eid, also given gifts n her birthday.
Earlier this year, the brides family asked for an increase in haq mehar as the the Rukhsati dates were being finalised.
25lac is like 25 grand here. Who has that sort of money? And that after footing the cost of the wedding and jewelry. Whats wrong with people these days? Even if I sell myself out there every day 24/7, I still won't be able to save that much money before I turn dead old beat. Thank god I am not married. It seems so stressful
25lac is like 25 grand here. Who has that sort of money? And that after footing the cost of the wedding and jewelry. Whats wrong with people these days? Even if I sell myself out there every day 24/7, I still won't be able to save that much money before I turn dead old beat. Thank god I am not married. It seems so stressful
25 grand is a lot of money but you can definitely save that much in two or three years. Heck you could do it in an year if you get lucky with the right kinda job, parents let you crash at their place for free, feed you at no cost and give you a ride to work.
The way you do it is you get a decent paying blue collared job. Work a ton of hours. Move in with your folks if possible and give them as little as possible for rent. No rent would be awesome. Get rid of all your expenses except for essentials like food and clothing. If there's nobody who can give a ride to work get a cheap car with just liability insurance.
The number isn't that big. It can be done. You wouldn't have a life but you'd have that money in your bank. Though I wouldn't do all that just so I can give all that money to some mah rani.
^ yah 25 grand or even more is not that difficult to save. Most of the times what happens in desi families that they do all the above things you mentioned plus give their tuition/college fee too unlike others which saves them from student loans.So whatever they earn after equipping themselves with quality education,is their's & they serve it to those mah ranis.
First time I’ve heard of someone waiting 4 years between nikah and rukhsati.. Rukhsati isn’t even obligatory.. why would anyone wait around 4 years for it
Isn’t haq mehr brought up during the nikah? I think this is the first time I’ve heard of someone doing a nikah without ANY discussion of haq mehr.